Outaishihi ni Nante Naritakunai!! Chapter 171

On the day I brought Lidi back, I couldn't say anything seeing how she was hanging her head down uneasily.
Seeing her worried expression, I thought I'd ask her about the situation after she calms downs a little and that day I only went to sleep while hugging her.
I wanted to give her a peace of mind.
To tell the truth I was jealous of Sion, and a savage feeling of wanting to crush her in my embrace swirled in my chest, but seeing her face I couldn't do such a thing.
After all I'm utterly weak to her.
The saying love is weakness is scarily accurate.

―――― Since that day, she looks to be brooding over something all the time.

If we talk, she returns a smiling face, but something's different.
It looks like she's worried about something.
If she loses focus, she suddenly enters the world of her own… I have an unpleasant premonition.
Perhaps she's thinking about Sion.
When that thought crossed my head, I shook my head and sighed.

―――― Sion. The former Tarim tactician.

He's an extremely excellent person, not wanting him to leave for other countries I invited him. I don't regret that, even now I think it was the right decision.
It's true that I think it'd be good if he served Wilhelm for a long time.
Still, the part of me that's not the Crown Prince but a man keeps constantly ringing an alarm bell about him.
He's dangerous――――. My instinct warns so.
If it wasn't for his troublesome status, I would finish with telling him not to get close.
That day, I felt an unspeakable fear as Sion reached out his hand to her.
Perhaps she'll get swept away like this, it was such an unfounded fear.
That's why I raised my voice. I had to raise it.

I don't want her stolen from me. I couldn't bear it.
At that time, I instantly thought so.

As a result, Lidi came back to me. When I called out to her, she obediently settled inside my arms. When I stroked her, she smiled happily.
I was very relieved to see her like that.

The brooding face she's been showing me since that day, perhaps it's because of me.

… Perhaps, she stopped caring about me? And became interested in Sion?

I recalled them walking happily. They fit so well while walking together, that out of jealousy I wanted to stop them with all my heart.
Many times I wanted to shout that Lidi is mine.
Lidi knew that Sion is the tactician. And, she didn't tell me that. I don't know what she was trying to do by using Cain and ultimately acting by herself.
… She didn't tell me anything. That weighs heavily on my heart.

… Until that day I was convinced she had feelings for me, and yet that belief crumbled in the twinkling of an eye. Just like a house of cards.
After all, it's nothing but my assumption that Lidi loves me.
It's not like I've heard those words directly from her.
As soon as I thought that, anxiety swelled up.

It's unthinkable, but what if her feelings have already faded away…

Imagining that, I shuddered.
Frightening. I don't want to think of that.
I intend to spend the rest of my life with her.
I already can't see other women than her, I don't want to embrace one.
She's unmistakably my mate. I only have her.
And yet, it might be different for her.
Thinking so, I felt unbearably scared.

What if she tells me she wants to choose Sion?

I can't stop thinking about that. Since she doesn't bring up Sion, I can't enquire about the tactician matter.
―――― I'm weak like this.
Still - I'm scared to hear the definite words from Lidi, so I run away.

Love is dreadful.

For the first time I understood it can weaken a person like this.
Since then, I haven't even embraced her.
Thinking she might decline, I'm hesitant.
If I was rejected, I surely wouldn't be able to recover.

I have no idea what to do if that happened.
I don't want anybody else. She's all I need.
If by any chance she refused me, I'm scared I'd do something awful to her.

I don't want that.

That's why, every night I only sleep hugging Lidi.
I endure with light physical contact.
I want to embrace and fill her, however I desperately endure that feeling and settle on kissing her on a cheek.
It's my only salvation that she doesn't refuse that.

And yet - even though I'm enduring so much, she says nothing about it.
Even though I'd embraced her so much every night.
I'd come inside her so many times, I'd whispered how I love her, I'd conveyed my love to the best of my ability.
I wonder if she thinks nothing of that disappearing.
Thinking so, I felt like crying.

After all I'm the only one in love. I felt like that was thrust at me.

―――― Even though that would have been enough at first.

It's fine as long as I can obtain her. Certainly, I should have thought so.
Now my heart screams that it hates it.
I want everything. I want all of her.
That why I'd been waiting all this time, looking forward to the words I love you to come from her mouth, and yet, was it a mistake?
Then I wonder what I should've done.

―――― Her heart, that I want above all, may be unobtainable anymore.

It may have been stolen by other hands just before it fell into mine.

"Oi Freed. Your complexion is bad. What's up?"
"… Ah, aah"

While I was spacing out in the office, Alex called out to me.
I understood from his voice that he's worried about me.
This is no good.
I gave up on what I'd been thinking about and fixed my expression.

"Aah, sorry. There's this and that. I'm fine, so please don't worry about me"
"Is that the complexion of a guy who's alright. Has something happened? You look awfully haggard…"
"… Nothing"

I looked up at the clock to check the time.
I recalled Lidi's now going to Sion's place.
I felt pain run through my chest.
She wants to go and see his state. The one who was asked that and nodded was certainly me.
I could've refused if I hated it. Had I done so, she wouldn't insist anymore.
But――――.

These last few days exhausted me.

Unpleasant imagination unexpectedly wears out one's nerves.
Perhaps, I'm tired of worrying.
I want to know the conclusion quickly. I ended up thinking so.
That's why, I encouraged her to go――――.
Supposing she goes to Sion and chooses him, I'm sure I'll regret this choice forever.
Why did I act so foolishly - like that.

Even so, supposing that happens, I don't intend to let her go.
In the first place, there's the King's Flower on her chest. The King's Flower is the proof she's my Princess Consort.
As long as it's there, the fact that she's mine remains unchanged.
That's what the King's Flower is.
But, this and that are different.
If she chose Sion, even if she married me, she'd never again respond to me.
We'd be a married couple merely for form's sake, yet our hearts would be distant.
No matter how much I wished for her.
The act of love for me would be reduced to violence for her. There'd be no speck of affection from her.
But, even so. I surely can't let her go.
While crying in my heart that I want her love, I'd continue binding her.

"… Listen, it's enough for today. I'll do the rest, so go back to your room and sleep… If you don't go back to normal, it's fine to take your time until tomorrow afternoon"
"Alex. No, I…"
"I'm troubled if you work with such a face. It's you, anyway it must be something about Lidi, so do something before it gets worse. There's also the former Tarim tactician you brought. The Sahaja matter still remains too, so I don't want more unnecessary problems. Hey, Freed. Never mind and go back… Then make up quickly. You two are just right when you're so clingy it irritates everybody around"
"…"

My chest tightened at being told that in an awfully soft voice.
I slowly nodded and left the office.

―――― Make up. Alex said so, but what if talking with her creates the decisive crack.

With heavy feet and heart, I went back to my room, and opened its door.
Perhaps Lidi's there. She might not have gone to Sion. I held such a fleeting expectation, but it immediately vanished.
―――― There's nobody in the room.

As planned, she's visiting Sion.
I should've known, and yet I was horribly dejected to realize that, I laughed so at myself.

Just how much will I――――.
I entered the bedroom, and fell on the bed.

"Lidi… I love you"

My voice echoed in vain.
I don't want anybody else. I only want her.
There's only one thing I desire.

"Don't go anywhere. Stay at my side…"

And yet, she may slip through my fingers. I was simply overwhelmed by anxiety and fear that were too much to dispel.

Author's note

It's the Singer Arc climax.
Thank you very much.

Just in case.
There won't be particularly depressing developments afterwards.
Outaishihi is basically crossing the midpoint of a typical lovey-dovey story.
(`・д・´)キリッ
No worries.

Chapter end