Outaishihi ni Nante Naritakunai!! Chapter 123

"Haa…"

Despite the precious opportunity to talk to Crown Prince, not wanting to see them together I rushed out of the room as if running away.
I was no good. Even though like this I can't fulfill my assigned role.
I should've been prepared to not be upset seeing that woman… no, her close to Crown Prince.
Despite that, it was too much for me to endure and it turned out like this.
One of the royal guards stationed in front of the room called out to me.
When asked whether I finished my business, I vaguely nodded, and was told to follow to the general area.
The royalty quarter is not a place where I'm allowed to act freely.
Since she received the King's Flower, surely she can walk around nonchalantly… Together with Crown Prince.

Just imagining it made my chest hurt, unconsciously I hung my head.
Seeing my obviously strange state, the royal guard asked me if I'm alright.
As I nodded and noncommittally said I've been affected by those two, he strangely agreed.

"Ah, His Highness went there a while ago. It's certainly astonishing watching it firsthand. His Highness's infatuation with Princess Consort is a famous story even among us royal guards"

For your own sake it's better to pretend not to look. Despite the exasperation on the royal guard's face as he said that, he showed a positive sentiment towards those two.
From that I realized she's already recognized as the princess consort inside the castle. Even if I understand it can't be helped, I couldn't help but find it painful. I clenched my fists tight.
I should've given up, I should've clearly understood it's hopeless, and yet why couldn't it be me, I wondered.
The answer is extremely simple.
Because Crown Prince chose her. That's all.

"There we go, we have arrived. Is the carriage arranged?"
"… Yeah, it's already standing by, so it's okay. Thanks"

I thanked the royal guard who escorted me to the general area and parted from him.
The carriage is just nearby. While enduring the chest pain, I boarded the marquis house's carriage that had already been waiting.
While sitting on the seat in the carriage alone, I looked back on my today's actions.
Ultimately, did I succeed. Did I fail. I should've more or less accomplished the mission 'Become friends' that I had thought impossible.
I was honestly surprised how easily she forgave me for taking such insolent attitude the previous time, but what I seek for is not her ability as the Crown Princess. I don't care about that.
I just want Crown Prince's love to be mutual, that's all.

"… I wish I could've endured a little longer"

Looking at it like that, today my result is zero.
It's been several days since then. Perhaps the relationship between Crown Prince and her may too have changed a little. For that reason, I should've stayed there and grasped the accurate understanding of the situation. But…

"I couldn't see it"

The gaze Crown Prince directed at her.
The sweet expression he wouldn't show to anyone that said he couldn't help but hold her dear.
Having that flaunted so close, the love I should've given up on ached.
Even though I understand it's impossible his heart would turn to me.
His whole heart is hers, he only showed us the obligatory smile. Seeing the enchanted smile directed at her, we understood well how devoid of meaning the smile turned towards us was. We couldn't not understand.
Still, it's the reality I fell in love with him. Even if I understand this love was shattered, my heart still continues hurting.
I couldn't stand that situation.
Thinking back on that scene, I let out a large breath inside the carriage.

"In the end, I didn't understand anything…"

Even though I had intended to resolve myself, after all my heart didn't leave unscathed.
I scorned such me for my foolishness. At the same time, I lost strength that's been in me all the time.
At that moment――――.
Suddenly, I noticed. I unexpectedly saw what I couldn't see.

"… Ah…"

I slowly opened my eyes in astonishment.
At that time, I vigorously pushed on unable to forgive her for not being self-aware regarding Crown Prince. But, thinking about it very carefully, my feelings aren't such excessive selfish expectations of her. I finally noticed.
Because, in the end my wish is to make her abandon that love, it's nothing but such a most selfish thing.
For that reason, I wanted her to go through something scary.
No matter who you ask, it's an awful thing.

"I see, isn't that right… Somebody like me has no qualifications to say anything about their problems, I should've known that from the start… To only notice something so obvious this late, how foolish"

If I had thought normally, I should've noticed. It's not a matter for me to interfere with. It's a problem the two of them should solve.
I softly leaned back, and just like I'd thought at the start, thought it'd be good to wish for their happiness from afar.
I tightly closed my eyes. I wanted to cry that I only noticed it this late.

"Aah… Why"

Lamenting the surging regret, I covered my face with my hands.
Why haven't I noticed until now. I should've had so many opportunities to turn back.
I was so stupid I even forgot myself in a fit of jealousy, as things are I'd rather disappear.
I gripped my left upper arm.
Touching there, I was struck with terror that the thing at that time wasn't a dream, that it really happened.
―――― A few days ago, as a proof of contract I had a magical mark forcibly engraved.
And now it's hiding inside my upper arm.
When I touch it I feel it insist on its existence with heat.

"If you fulfill your role, it'll disappear. It's just here to make sure you fulfill your promise. You have nothing to worry about if you don't intend to play tricks, right?"

The words of that person resurfaced in my mind.
It's fine, you're just preparing a prank, she said that, but will it really end at that.
My sole comfort is that that person's social position is well known.
That's why having received her invitation I felt like listening to her story, and after hearing her request eventually agreed, even if reluctantly.
I didn't actually want to nod, still I understood the atmosphere was such that I wouldn't be allowed to leave if I didn't.
Right of veto didn't exist from the time of the invitation.
To be driven by such shameless and trifling jealousy, how foolish of me.
Why didn't I calm down myself a little more. Thinking normally, the invitation itself should be impossible and yet.
Why was I so jealous of her. She's loved by Crown Prince.
The shame is unbearable. But, it's too late for anything.
Joining my trembling hands, I prayed with all my heart. I don't even know what I'm praying for anymore.

"Please, please, let it not be an awful thing…"

If it ends as that person said, that's fine. That's the best.
It'll end up as a needless anxiety and a funny story.
But, supposing it doesn't…
Whenever I remember that unpleasant smile, a shiver runs down my spine.
Honestly, I absolutely don't think it'll go according to the talk.
Still, I hugged myself and frantically shook my head.

"… No, Miriallia. You can't. You can't think that"

That's right, it's pointless to think about it.
Because, I took that person's hand, I'm already an accomplice.
I, I have to carry out the assigned mission.
Otherwise, I'll…

"Surely it'll end as she said. I'll only help a little… Right, that's all…"

I desperately pretended not to see the unpleasant feeling swirling in my chest.
I repeated to myself to believe. Otherwise, I couldn't stand it.
I already don't think one bit of making her self-aware.
Rather than that, what to do from now on is the problem.
What exactly will it cause, it's frightening to even imagine.
Rather, I want to kneel before her and Crown Prince and confess everything.
But, I can't do that.
In this magical mark of contract I was given, there's also a part that prohibits revealing information. Knowing it'll get used, I can't report anything.
If I do, even a little, surely I'll die. It's not like I was told that directly, but I understand that somehow.
I'm bound hand and foot, I can't make a single move.
I know it's the result I invited with my rash behavior. But, it's too much.
I wish I'd rather never noticed it. If I stayed foolish like before, I wouldn't be tormented by the feelings of guilt.
As I awakened, I can't even drown the anxiety in jealousy.
While my tears spilled, I noticed a very simple fact.

"… Ah, surely I wasn't loved because I'm so weak"

I was reminded of the strong light in her eyes.
I understand from only talking a little. With her strong will, surely she wouldn't do something like this. With that alone, I felt I understood why I hadn't been chosen.
I hate that she was chosen by Crown Prince. And I'm even more jealous.
Then, I got angry she didn't respond to those feelings.
At first, it really should have been just that.

"… I wonder why it has turned out like this"

Where in the world did I make the mistake.
When I noticed, it had come this far.
I reap what I sow. I know, but I can't say it.

"Somebody, somebody, save me…"

Before I do something that can't be undone.
I perfectly understand it's a convenient wish. Even so――――.

Before the words that my shivering lips spun could reach anybody, they were drowned out in the clattering sound of running wheels of the carriage.

Chapter end