Outaishihi ni Nante Naritakunai!! Chapter 173

"Eh…"

When I stood up, I heard Sion's mutter.
Still sitting on the sofa, Sion was fixedly staring at me.
I was at a loss for the answer… And ended up saying what I think.

"Let's, see. Probably I do… Is what I think"
"Probably? That's very vague. When I saw you together the other day… you looked like very intimate lovers"

I averted my eyes from Sion who asked so in wonder, and looked outside the window.
The weather is fine today. While gazing at the floating white clouds, I again answered with what came to my mind.

"Honestly speaking, I don't understand well. I think I'm fond of him, however, I wonder if this feeling is temporary or not… I'm not sure myself, and so I've been keeping His Highness waiting all this time"

… I don't understand why I'm telling this to Sion.
Still, I somehow thought I wanted him to listen.

―――― Him, who had never said he loved me in the past.

"… It's my fault, isn't it"

While I continued absentmindedly watching clouds, Sion murmured.

"Nn? Did you say something?"

When I looked back at Sion and asked him, he said No with a faint smile.
Then with relaxed movements he stood up from the sofa.

"… Since I promised, it can't be helped. I'll encourage you just once"
"Eh? What, Sion?"

Unable to understand the meaning of his mutter, I tilted my head.
Without answering Sion only smiled and walked up to me.
Confused about his intentions, I blankly watched his movements.

"Lidi…"

Having come close, Sion called my name, and with natural flow scooped my jaw. Just like that he tilted my face.

Eh… what? Perhaps I'll be kissed?

"Noo!!"

Before our lips touched, I promptly slapped his cheek with my left hand.
It wasn't conscious. It was an instinctive action.
Silence followed the dry sound of the slap.
Haa haa, roughly breathing I intensely scowled at Sion.
Sion stared at such me with a smile.
His cheek turned slightly red.

"What are you doing suddenly!?"
"Sorry… But, that makes it clear, right?"
"Ha? What are you saying…"

When I scowled at him again not understanding what I had been told, with Good grief Sion shrugged his shoulders.
I felt offended as he said "After all, you're dull" with a sigh.
What's with after all. After taking a little distance from me, Sion slowly spoke.

"Do you hate me?"
"Ha? What's this out of nowhere?"
"Never mind that, please answer. I'm asking whether you hate me"

I was bewildered by the sudden topic change.
But, overwhelmed by Sion's serious face, I reluctantly spoke.

"… I don't really hate you…"

I don't intend to reveal it, but we're acquaintances from my previous life.
Since we met here by chance and he said he'll stay in this country, I would like us to build a friendly relationship.
When I answered, Sion nodded with a self-satisfied look.

"You don't hate me. Fine. Then, can I take it to mean that if you had to say, you're fond of me?"
"Eh? Eeh, well, I think it's similar…"

Despite being bewildered by Sion wanting a clear answer, I nodded my head.
If I don't hate him, I'm fond of him. It's putting it simply, but it's not wrong.

"Is that so. I understand… Then let me ask you. Why did you refuse my kiss just now? If you're fond of me, there's no problem with kissing, right? After all, aren't you kissing with somebody you're not sure if you're fond of almost every day"
"… Ha?"

The words he said were so unexpected, I couldn't deal with them immediately.

"Am I mistaken? The King's Flower is the proof a Princess Consort. And you're living in the same room as His Highness Friedrich. Of course, it's also accompanied by that kind of act, isn't it?"
"Er, rr. That's, well…"

Unable to deny, I nodded. It's known within the castle anyway.

"Please answer, Lidi. Why am I no good? If you had to say, you're fond of me, right?"
"…"

Sion pressed me for answers.
I can understand what he's saying.
But, it's different.
Freed and Sion are fundamentally different.
Although it's (provisional), I'm roughly aware I love Freed.
On the other hand, I have no feelings for Sion anymore. I find him nostalgic, but that's all.
Driven by a strange feeling of irritation I answered.

"His, His Highness and you are different"
"What's different? The nuisance is different, but without a doubt you're fond of both of us, right? Yet you refused my kiss, and accept His Highness Friedrich's kisses. What's the difference? Please explain so I can understand. Of course, without giving a reason such as that he's your fiancé"
"Err… err"

I became more and more confused.
Speaking of the difference, of course it's in the romantic aspect. I think I more or less love Freed (provisionally) in that way, but it's different towards Sion.
But, I can't answer the implication behind the words 'Why do you accept without being sure' without hesitation.
… After all, it's something I also thought about a little.
Even if he's my fiancé, I shouldn't accept without being sure.
And yet I chose to continue accepting Freed. There were times when I even invited him myself.
Having that pointed out, I could understand less and less.
Still, with a feeling that Sion is trying to teach me something important, I desperately thought over it.
Sion piled up words.

"The reason you only allow His Highness Friedrich. What is it?"
"That's…"

It's simple.
… It's because I know I don't dislike kissing with Freed.
It's not just kissing. Everything beyond that too. Even the act of him boring inside my deepest place and filling me.
Every single thing has felt good from the beginning.
I've not once felt uncomfortable.
That's why I didn't need to think about it.
My encounter with Freed was at a special place called masquerade ball, where I only went with the aim of losing my virginity.
I thought kissing was a rite of page for that sake, and in fact I didn't need to worry much, since I didn't find it uncomfortable. Kissing, and beyond too.

… Then, why wasn't it uncomfortable.
Finally confronted with the question I purposely hadn't thought about until now, I was at a loss.

"If you can accept being embraced without being sure whether you're fond of him or not, there's no problem if I'm the other party. If you don't mind, shall we try it out?"
"Stop!"

When he reached out his hand again, I shook it off with all my strength.
Everything about me is rejecting him. I screamed that I hate anybody other than Freed touching me.
Whether I'm sure or not, that's the truth.

"Let me ask you once again. Why do you reject me like that and yet don't clearly reject His Highness Friedrich? Is it after all because he's your fiancé? Is it because you can't help it, and are embraced by His Highness despite actually hating it?"
"That's wrong! I've never thought that I hate Freed!… After all, after all"

I don't know how I should explain.
Still, in a tiny voice I told him what I understand right now.

"… Unless it's Freed, I'd hate it. I'd absolutely hate it if it wasn't him"

I'm certain of that much.

As I am now, I don't want a man other than Freed to lay even a finger on me in that sense. I shudder from the mere thought. It's enough to make me feel nauseous.
Sion sighed at my reply.

"… If it's not a special feeling, then what would you call it. Are you still under the impression that it's a temporary thing? If you don't cut it out with your unawareness, you'll only hurt yourself"
"After all… it's different"
"How is it different"

Ah, the dreaded ambiguousness of suki.

Chapter end