Can She Start Over?

After taking a short break, Annabelle started talking again.

"As I said, my sister was a wonderful person. She was a wonderful student, wonderful child, wonderful sister... how to say it? She was wonderful in everything. I liked her, admired her as she was my idol. She was at a level from where everyone could notice her. That also made me think that if I become like her, I also could see people from above praising me, loving me.

In this excitement, I actually forgot what I was aiming for and forgot what I wanted from my life. I did want to reach higher, but I didn't want to reach that higher from where people couldn't even get to see me. When you climb higher, your vision gets blurry. No matter how high you go, all you can see is a blue wide sky and nothing else. The people you left behind below you... they can see you, still admire you for being able to climb up so high but they can never reach you, feel you, love you like you wanted to."

Anna paused a bit to take a breath from talking. Theodore was still there listening earnestly to her. When her eyes met his, he smiled a bit as if he was telling her to go on.

"So, just like that, I forgot what I actually wanted. I just kept following her just to be like her. But copying a diamond doesn't make a mere stone diamond itself, right? I was nothing compared to her. She was good at ballet, but I had no talent for that. But still, I insisted on learning ballet and gave up soon because of my lack of patience.

And you know what was the reason? It's just because I wasn't the best ballet dancer on my team. I know, all the people are not talented in this world, some people do so many things with their own stubbornness and patience. But I wasn't like myself at that time. I was more of a selfish person, so selfish that I became almost blind to these true facts. Instead of having patience, I blamed my parents for not supporting me. In my eyes, they were always praising my sister and supporting her. It made me jealous. I thought maybe I could do something if they fully supported me. Actually, they were already supporting me, tolerating all my weird actions as I kept doing this kind of ridiculous act on and on. And my sister.... She...."

Anna couldn't hold back anymore. Her eyes became moist as her past memory kept replaying on her mind. Never in her wild imagination, she thought she would cry in front of a man, a total stranger to be exact. Theodore held her hands and squeezed them a little as if telling her to continue.

"She left home. She saw me suffering all this time and she decided to move out to the dorms. And I was the one who made her separate from mom and dad. Just because I wanted to be their ideal daughter, I just erased my own sister's image from the picture. My selfishness... It was beyond imagination back then, and the irony is that I didn't feel a little bit sad when she left. How cruel of me, right?"

Annabelle was trembling as she spelled every word with her mouth. She was so vulnerable, reminiscing about her regretful past. Everybody had some past regrets in their life. Annabelle also had those. If she could go back, so would have made things better. She could have stopped her sister from leaving home, she could have listened to her parents and lastly, there was another thing she wanted to do. To create her own dream and make it come true, was something she wanted to do so badly. Maybe then, her present would have been a little better. Maybe then, she could gladly say that what she does is something she actually wants to do.

"Though she left the house, that was not the end. I forgot everything that I liked to do, started having new hobbies, tried so many things to prove that I was just like my sister. That became the only fact of my life. Those days, even remembering those days, makes me feel nauseous. I stopped doing those things which I liked and started doing the things which people would like. I became a fame doll, a joker who is just always there to entertain people and has no choices of their own. In this process, I lost my dearest friends too. they were so disgusted to even look at me that time that I still can't forget those disdainful faces of them. That was the real me. And even now, I can't just run away from that identity even if I want to."

Annabelle was sad. Remembering her past, she was drowning in sadness all over again. How can she start a new life when she is such a horrible person? Does she even deserve to start over?

Theodore was silent this whole time. He could feel her despair just by looking at her face. He was amazed when she thoroughly told the whole story to him when it was obvious, she never had told these stories to anyone and kept it inside her as her secret.

"Does your anxiety have something to do with this?"

Her face was downward facing the carpet of the floor. She didn't lift her head but just nodded.

"The things you are doing now, is this for you or for others?" Theodore added.

Anna was a bit puzzled by this question. Is she writing because she likes it? Or it's just one of her wishful doings? She doesn't know anymore.

"I don't know."

"Then try to know. If you don't know what you exactly want from your life, how can you live carefreely?"

Suddenly her eyes started to become moist again.

"Then.... then do I deserve to want something from my life?" Anna almost choked in her tears.

"And why won't you?" a small smile was plastered into Theo's face. "Or else your sister's sacrifice will go in vain."

Yes, that was true. Her sister, she sacrificed her happiness just to make sure she was happy. For her, she had to leave home.

But come to think of it, it was truly in vain, the whole sacrifice. Anna properly started singing in her college days. All she wanted was fame at that time. That fame, which could suppress her sister's glory and bury it for good. To think, she genuinely wasn't a good person. She was a vixen who used her own family, wasn't she? Then why does her heart feel so tight after all these achievements? Why can't she be happy?

To tell the truth, her voice was beautiful. Whatever she hummed any song, it would just sound like a euphonious one. She once posted a cover version of a famous English song when she was still in high school and it became very popular. She became somewhat famous overnight just like that. That was just the start. She wrote many songs on her own, adding her own tune into it and singing it with full vigor in front of thousands of fans of hers.

Her voice was the only gifted thing she had. But the irony was, she didn't enjoy her gift that much. That was her nature to do things fully when she started one. She won't give up if she receives a good outcome. And to tell the truth, the outcome was splendid, her voice could make people go crazy for her songs. She kind of became a versatile singer, as all styles of songs would suit her voice. There were a lot of things that she got to learn those days, though she never had any fun and happiness in what she was doing.

She was just doing okay. A sorry life, a sorry face of the legendary Annabelle D'Costa, which was always kept hidden behind the spotlights. In addition, she started to realize what she did before and kept repenting for it every single minute as if someone had set a reminder of her sins. Maybe God took some pity on her also, so she somehow managed to have a break from all this. An excuse to have an endless break.

After telling him all this, he still thinks that she deserves to live a better life. Though she forgot how she used to live when she was genuinely happy, she suddenly felt the urge to try again. That was the only option left for her to improve her sorry life.

All of a sudden, her daze was broken by the sound of the wall clock which was declaring the arrival of a new day. It was already 12 a.m.

Chapter end