NHK ni Youkoso! Vol 1 Chapter 9

Chapter 09

Part One

over, and lonely. To a hikikomori, spring is also painful because

Summer, of course, is especially painful.

night, they kept whining and whining. The summer was also cripplingly

know if my air conditioner was wearing out or if this summer was just

Sometimes, I wanted to yell, "Whoever is responsible, show

heat had worn me down completely. My appetite was depressed, and my 

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my weariness was impossible to dispel.

noise. From early morning until the middle of the night, anime songs

hours of sleep a day. He was working hard on his creative projects, with

himself to these meaningless activities.

game."

"Tomorrow, I'm going to start making a bomb."

Without answering Yamazaki silently gnawed on some white bread.

properly toasted my bread and quickly fried an egg.

without permission."

Misaki was wearing long sleeves even though it was summer. She was in

"This is so fun, so fun, so fun," she said. She really did seem to be

Of course, tonight felt tropical. It was so hot that I sweated even 

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Misaki, however, seemed cool enough. Hair streaming behind her as

you want to eat the leftover cat food?"

quite a while since he had shown himself. Either he had been hit by a car

At any rate, I turned her down. "I don't need it."

Jumping down off the swing, Misaki stepped into the cozy sandbox

neighborhood kids had left behind, she started making something in the

I asked, "What is that?"

She was right. It certainly was a mountain. Set in the middle of the

Mount Fuji drawn by Hokusai,28 thus looking as though the slightest

perfectly complete. It was wonderful work, using sand wet with the

Clapping her hands to brush off the sand, Misaki circled the

mountain."

forward kick at the mountain. "Things with shape will one day fall

Days of the End

"That's right." I nodded.

backpack, night after night. She apparently borrowed them en masse

practical guides, and reference books. Misaki read books of all different

"Well then, the text for tonight is The Last Words of Famous People.

moment of their deaths. . . "

"Let's think about what life is!" she cried.

such grand, unusual declarations with an utterly normal expression.

yesterday's topic of "Let's think about what it means to live," it wasn't

Regaining my composure, I urged her to continue, and Misaki

The book collected the last words of famous people from all around

respectfully. As she read from the book, however, Misaki seemed to

"'More light. . . ' Well then, whose words could these be?"

Welcome to the N.H.K.

"Three. . . Two. . . One. . . Time's up! The answer is Goethe. Well,

it up far, far ahead of time."

"Okay then, next question. 'Mikka Tororo29 was delicious.'"

death note."

I couldn't really brag about knowing famous people's last words, but

of that death note, "Mikka Tororo. . . this is like some kind of joke, isn't

"Conversely, that might be why people are struck by it."

repeatedly. "Tsuburaya, the runner, apparently went home to the

mother and father, it says."

"I guess everyone wants to return to their hometowns before they

"Now that you mention it, Misaki, are you from this city?"

from over there." Misaki pointed in a north-by-northwest direction.

a small town on the Sea of Japan, with a population of five thousand.

become a somewhat notorious spot for suicides. 

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era, it's like it's become a Mecca for suicides. They say that so many

they had to construct safety barriers to prevent further incidents. When

on those bluffs. One day, I saw a strange woman there."

was a beautiful early evening and the sky was a bright red. The woman,

"And?"

now, I sometimes see her in my dreams. It might have just been a dream

healthy-looking face. Alone, she stared at the ocean and late-afternoon

disappeared. A strange story, isn't it?"

"What could have happened? I think she should have at least left a

lighten the mood.

"It makes you itchy."

"It's delicious, though, isn't it?"

But Misaki was laughing. "Ah, how fun, how happy. You think so, don't

Welcome to the N.H.K.

"Sure."

approaching." Misaki returned the book to her bag. "I've given all these

model adult, right?"

you? Why you've become a worthless person? Why you've become a

I didn't answer.

Still seated on the bench, I looked up at her. The park was so dark

her face.

and uncle, so I'm going to leave town."

"Where are you going?"

no one knows me; someplace where I don't know anyone. That's why, by

person."

girl who said terribly unreasonable things.

"That won't change anything," said Misaki.

try to convince her of her success. "No, because of you, I really have been 

179

new city."

In an optimistic tone, I said, "Thank you! I owe you my life. Oh,

alone. If you want it, I'll give it to you as a present. . . "

"It isn't what you mean?"

me without saying anything else.

I started walking toward my apartment; as I did, Misaki called out.

"What?"

really have become an outstanding, socially adept person, Satou. Meet

rains!"

Meanwhile, Yamazaki really was making a bomb. He had gotten hold of

bomb.

gunpowder went way back into the distant past. For example, it was 

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weapon called the tetsuhou,

black gunpowder. Despite being an extremely primitive compound of

that when used in an enclosed space, black gunpowder generates enough

people inside.

"It's obvious, isn't it? I'm going to blow up something!"

other use for a bomb.

ask you."

"Who are your enemies?"

bomb."

"Like, politicians or something."

Yamazaki grew silent and went back to his work. Before long, he'd

detonator, which used an analog clock, also was finished. The only thing

any time.

high spirits. "They'll all be blown up! I'll kill all the villains!" 

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"Ah, that was fun," he concluded.

To start with, we didn't know where to find any villains. Because

neighborhood park on Saturday night. So no one would see us, we

explode, but it was more a whimper than a bang.

Amid these distractions, Sunday arrived. As I had promised, I met

apartment.

and was bored. I decided to try ingesting my entire stash of stockpiled

laughed.

In general, drugs can be classified into one of three large categories:

energetic. Cocaine and stimulants are famous uppers. Downers are

didn't know firsthand, but it seemed that taking them would feel really,

Welcome to the N.H.K.

mushrooms represent that category.

few side effects—unlike uppers and downers—and more than that, they

On the day after my date, I took drugs again. I decided to take a

First, I set the groundwork with thirty milligrams of AMT. AMT is

discovered that a large dose could cause hallucinogenic effects, it was

After taking it, for the first two hours, a person would be plagued with

pleasurable. It also happened to be the best thing ever for combating bad

Next, I boiled down the seeds of a harmal plant and drank the

the goathead family, originated in Tibet and contains the Indole-type

doesn't produce any real effect; in combination with other hallucinogens

dozens of times over. That's the Ayahuasca method. As harmal is an

other dairy products; but as long as those foods are avoided, it shouldn't

Well, my real opportunity had arrived. My consciousness already

true trip would begin. I would keep going and going! 

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pestle, I washed the powder down with a single gulp of orange juice. On

of 5-MeO-DMT. DMT is a drug containing only the effective

the Amazon use in their Ayahuasca ceremonies. Though legal, this drug

theory, the hallucinogenic effects are more than one hundred times more

In just one second, I had become paralyzed! The drugs had taken

The Satou Special—my wonderful, ultimate method, devised

By effectively combining four types of drugs into a single cocktail, I

touch. With a hard thrust, as if riding a rocket ship, I was shot into the

thoroughly. My physical body disappeared.

epiphany!" Yamazaki declared. "This is really, really bad!"

Yamazaki was getting agitated. "Are you listening? Listen closely:

As there was nothing else I could do, I listened closely. 

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imaginable, Yamazaki said, "I was able to logically prove that I am the

I died.

"Please watch, and I'll clean up your room now, using my

about the floor and screamed, "Move!"

"Hey! I'm ordering you! Why are you resisting me?" Yamazaki

Observing this situation, I felt something rise up inside of me. It was

Folding my arms, I thought carefully about this feeling. Finally, after

It was nausea! I was attacked by violent nausea. I tried to dash to the

forward. The hall seemed to have stretched into a fifteen hundred foot

the bathroom before spraying-vomit everywhere?

Yamazaki had just said it. He had said, "I am God."

did I know? Because I was God! I had confirmed that truth just a

I would definitely make it in time. I am God. I will make it to the

Days of the End

I made it.

much better. Then, I became energetic. I was enjoying myself. Skipping

grinning.

his breath, he looked like he was thinking of something criminal.

This sort of thing has happened before, hasn't it. . . ? While I thought about

Everything I was looking at had happened before.

After a moment, I became unsure what was really going on. "Huh, have

"What are you saying, Satou? I have no idea what—"

Lying face down on the floor, I thought as hard as I could. When I

civilization several thousands of years ago, who had transmigrated

keep this revelation from Yamazaki. It was a gravely important secret,

After a little while passed, Yamazaki broke in on my thoughts. "You

I breathed. I came back to life. Sincerely thanking Yamazaki, I

to say, "thank you, thank you." 

186

acted like he was in extreme physical distress. Clutching his throat, he

wrong?" he just uttered an inhuman cry and, without speaking,

Finally, he picked up a notebook and ballpoint pen in order to

down in the notebook.

use my voice."

as hard as I could.

returned.

the night, so I wasn't afraid that we'd be seen by the police or any

We headed toward the neighborhood park. Yamazaki was walking

thoughts and also be human? I found the idea a little mysterious.

park. This was bad: It didn't hurt. It didn't hurt at all. I am actually a

Thus, I discovered a new truth.

streetlamps were the only light source, the park shone and glowed like a

Days of the End

Everything there pulsed with life: the gentle creaking of the old bench,

of the branches and leaves. All this, every last thing, was alive.

music."

music was playing.

the grass, shoving our heads under the bench, combing the park for quite

the largest tree by the road.

mechanism. Yamazaki and I considered it together. We concluded that

sucking it in.

Yamazaki slowly shed his clothing and dove headfirst into the lake.

It seemed that the lake was, in reality, just a plain old sandbox. It

Yamazaki told me.

were going back in time, and then we were headed forward into the

"Hey, Yamazaki. What day of the week is today?"

already. 

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we had detonated Saturday night's bomb.

"Okay, it will explode after three minutes. Please, back far away

Me, myself, and Yamazaki retreated.

wanted to be a soldier, but that dream didn't come true. My father it

that is. I think there's some evildoer out there somewhere. I wanted to

As I could see only our backs, there was no way for me to check

"Huh? Three minutes already have passed, but it didn't explode."

loud bang, and Yamazaki fell over.

This bomb I worked so hard to make only has the power of a few

And then, he went back home to the countryside.

that Yamazaki had left was waiting for me. She asked, "Aren't you

"No, I'm not lonely. . . " 

189

unfolded as wholesomely as a date between middle school kids in the

We took the train into the city. There were large crowds, so we

were separated even once, it would be the end of everything. In this large

careful.

plodding along. "Where should we go?" I asked.

"What about lunch?"

"What about a movie?"

We watched a movie. It was an astounding Hollywood action flick.

around in circles as he floated high up into the sky. Then, he died. I

"That was very interesting. Do you think I should buy the

Misaki was blown away by the thousand-yen price tag, though, so

"That's the price they usually are, isn't it?"

When we exited the movie theater, we were once again at a loss over

Welcome to the N.H.K.

"Where should we go?"

"What about lunch?"

We kept walking aimlessly. We had no place to go, and I didn't

by it.

lot of people there, of course—and in the very center was a large

Seated on a bench, I was dazed. We chatted amiably until sunset.

remained, Misaki pulled her secret notebook from her bag.

I responded, "It doesn't matter anymore. This stuff isn't going to

"Don't say such negative things."

able to do."

"What part of you?"

"You're strange," I stated. "You've always been strange. Ever since I

"Really. . . "

Days of the End

In front of us, a pigeon waddled by. Misaki tried to catch it.

after they all failed, she simply stared at the fountain in front of us.

which of us is more worthless, you must be more worthless then I am,

I agreed with her completely.

Satou."

the matter. At this point, though, it really didn't make any difference, as

Misaki was smiling a fake smile that would have made anyone seeing

her lips, unnaturally pulling them upward.

end up liking someone like me."

"It's been like that since I was born. It was so bad that my mother

I didn't have any response.

too. Their relationship is getting worse, and they say they want to

"You're just thinking about it too much."

Welcome to the N.H.K.

people wont have anything to do with me. Eventually, everyone starts

evidence that what I'm saying is true."

look at them. Many, many sad scars from old burns marred her white

"It was my second father. I don't even remember his face. He drank

when he was in a good mood, he always was getting angry at me, burning

"I was even scared of school and couldn't go. Of course, I was

terrified. Because if they were normal people, they were absolutely sure

"What about the people at your church?"

working their hardest. So, of course, they won't have anything to do

I didn't say anything.

really worthless person. A totally worthless person—the kind you can't

speaking, who is unbearably afraid of others. Someone who lives among

"Who was it?"

Days of the End

Then, Misaki pulled a sheet of scrap paper from her bag and handed

I felt unsure what I should do. The sun was nearly beneath the

considerably.

thumb print will be fine.

asked. "I mean, you're even more worthless than I am, after all. As I've

prisoner by now, right? Please, be nice to me, and I'll be nice to you, too."

"Why?"

everything more painful. On top of that, it's too empty." I got up and

I tried to be enthusiastic. "You'll be fine, Misaki! This is just a

train your mind and body! If you do that, these stupid thoughts will

down! Look up, and you'll be okay!"

The contents of the contract had seared themselves into my brain. 

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Worthless and Lonely People

B, the two parties agree to the following:

In fact, A will start to like B.

A will never have a change of heart.

As B is always lonely, basically A always will be at B's side.

direction.

If you break this contract, the penalty is ten million yen.

Turning around, I answered in a loud voice, "No, I'm not lonely."

"I'm not.

"I'm not lying," I said." I'm the strongest hikikomori in the world, so I

you, should stop relying on other people, too. In the end, everyone is 

195

absolutely alone; therefore, being alone is natural. If you accept that,

one-room apartment."

"I'm not lonely?"

"I'm not lonely."

I turned around to look behind me.

apartment. In the corner, I sat hugging my legs to my chest, melting into

It was night, and I couldn't see, hear, or do anything. Despite the fact

furniture or anything else, was cold. A dark and terrible chill filled the

I said, "I'm lonely."

"Liar."

"I'm so lonely."

The quivering, shaking, shivering me was clack-clack-clacking his

thought I'd gone crazy. But I wasn't crazy.

Welcome to the N.H.K.

incredibly lonely. I didn't want to be in this state. I didn't want to be

"Anyway," I screamed, "that's why!"

lonely! That's exactly why I shut myself off from the world, why I lock

solution. You understand, right? Hey! You understand me, right?"

"Don't you understand? Listen carefully to what I'm saying. If you

myself in because I'm lonely. Because I don't want to face any more

answer!"

"I'm greedier than anyone. I don't want some half-assed happiness I

That's impossible, though! I don't know why it is, but in this world,

I've been alive for twenty-two years, and I know at least this much. It

beginning, it's better not to need anything."

come up with more ridiculous plans. You'll stop looking to people like me for

She was terribly stupid. She was clinging to a horrifyingly enormous

from a piece of human trash like me. I cursed the misfortune that had 

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choose their parents. I wanted a cheerful girl like her to live a strong,

Please, do your best, somewhere. I'm all right. I'll be fine on my own. It's

Even still, I had hope. I had hope. . . .

It was my hometown, the one that drew forth nostalgic, bittersweet

The eternally fleeting glances from giggling little girls. The peace of the

anywhere. I was fine now.

The life-sized anime doll, which Yamazaki had left behind as a

guided me forward.

white clouds, the cool wind blowing across a spring field that stretched

one pure white flower and held it up in front of me.

Then, she pulled out another petal. "Death."

"Life. . . Death. . . Life. . . Death. . . Life. . . Death. . . Life. . . Death."

The girl smiled gently. 

Chapter end