Chapter 03
Part One
direr than Lake Baikal or the Mariana Trench from yesterday’s
For the first time in months, I ventured outside in broad daylight
deserved a shower of applause from the whole world. I wanted to praise
But everything was in vain.
Returning to my apartment, I holed up in my room and started
shouting, "Sake! Bring me more sake!" That itself, however, was nothing
35
that six-mat room, it echoed in dreary misery.
kotatsu. Increasingly irked by the anime songs blaring from the room
My head spun terribly, and I grew dizzy.
That morning, having picked myself up after the previous day's low
That's when it hit me. I'll find a part-time job today.
job. If I did that, my tide would shift from "hikikomori" to "freeter."15
hikikomori. So, I decided to search for a part-time job right away.
employment information magazine. Walking home quickly, I started
Which one? Which part-time job would suit me best?
anything that would make me tired. Furthermore, the idea of working at
sort of customer-service job.
"Manga café, 700 yen per hour."
36
be too many customers coming to a small-town manga café, after all—
a really simple job. This would be the best thing for me.
apartment.
McDonald's. Heading there, I plodded and stomped through a
day for the first time in several months, I again was interfered with by
walked, my shoulders slumped, trudging along the sidewalk's edge.
"Hey, look at that. It's so gross."
"You should go back to your apartment. This town is no place for
The passing housewives, high school girls, and older women all
Oh, I want to go home.
apartment, to sink into my warm bed, dose my eyes, and not have to
did that, it would just go to their heads even more. I must bear it. This is a
In reality, I had some idea that this would happen. I knew from the
The Meeting
return to society. That's why I couldn't lose. Forcing myself to suppress
brisk pace.
behind the station that would become my place of employment from
My escape from the hikikomori life was imminent.
walking around the city during the day, I probably just needed to get
should disappear in moments.
I had to be brave and take my first step inside. Forcefully, I banged
the girl at the register, announcing energetically, "I heard you're hiring
I began to speak, but my sentence broke off, midstream.
were lined up in an orderly fashion, a lone female employee sat in a chair,
through a shoujo manga brought back a strange feeling of having seen her
Actually, I had met her just the previous day.
I felt my body stiffen. She lifted her face from the manga in her lap,
Our eyes met.
38
Unlike the day before, she was dressed in jeans styled like what other
The second I recalled her true identity, my heart started beating at
my brain.
violate some sort of religious precept? No, no, that's of no concern to me—
completely ruined. There couldn't be anyone where I worked who knew
knew. If she does remember, what should I do? I have to run! As this It a
However, right as I began to turn tail, the religious girl called me
of derision as the day before flitting across her face. In a small voice, she
Clearly, I could see the vast difference between how she questioned
the girl had realized that I was the crazy hikikomori from yesterday.
wanted to leave that place as quickly as possible.
I had spoken earlier. As casually as possible, as utterly natural as
"Bi-bi. . . "
The Meeting
What the hell am I saying?
like the wind." A few of the customers sitting in the back began to pay
think? Would you like to come riding with me some time?"
"That is. . . I mean, I've never actually ridden one before! Ha ha ha ha
I couldn't leave the store quickly enough.
beer and shochu.
Except I won't die. The weather is too nice. Instead of dying, I'll just drink
Alcohol. . . I'll drink alcohol. . .
nothing more than an empty phrase spoken to myself—and in the dim
cry.
hikikomori life had ended in miserable failure. At that moment, I wished
I imagined them laughing at me right about then. I was sure
Welcome to the N.H.K.
"Boss, today, a crazy hikikomori came to the store."
"It seemed he planned on working here part time. But for God's
"Absolutely. There's no way an unemployed, disgusting, hikikomori
They were using me as the punch line for their sardonic comments.
take my revenge. . . must take my revenge now! I swear I'll punish you. . .
ways to get back at them. Thus, I decided to give up momentarily and
wanted to forget the bad stuff and just think of good things.
Yeah, if I were feeling pain or suffering, I had merely to think of the
I did that, I might feel at least a little better.
"I see! I understand!" I shouted. "That girl is a special operative for
Despite my earlier resolve, I didn't feel better at all.
My head hurt, and the anime songs ringing from my next door
Before I knew it, I had somehow ended up violently drunk. My
held no hope whatsoever that I could detect. I suspected that, at this
41
like an asshole.
And still, the anime songs echoed from the room next door. In the
continuously—ironically. For someone like me, having lost my
words racked me with rage and self-pity.
songs at such a loud volume. Usually, he played them only during the
Then, it occurred to me: Might this not be some new harassment
that he couldn't even become a freeter!
that the songs would stop. I kicked at the wall. No reaction.
a fool of me. Dammit. Just watch, I'll make you regret this.
I'm going, and I'll show you! You're the ones at fault.
about to fall on my ass, I stumbled to open the door.
dong, ding dong, ding dong. . . "
I tried punching the door.
Welcome to the N.H.K.
particular number was the theme song to Fancy Lala: "I am Fancy Lala. . . "
I twisted the doorknob. The door wasn't locked, and I no longer
"Hey!" I shouted, losing myself in fury. Flinging open the door, I
At that very second, I saw him. A man sat at a computer desk in the
the surprising arrival of a visitor, he slowly swiveled around in his
He was. . . crying.
On top of that, and even more unbelievable, I knew exactly who he
Wiping his own eyes, he gazed at me in disbelief. Thrusting himself
stammered in a trembling voice, "Sa-Satou?"
After four years, this was an incredibly unexpected reunion.
In high school, I had been in the literature club.
Rather, during the new-member recruitment fair, an awfully cute
43
Without thinking, I had nodded. There was really nothing else I
and despite being a year older than I was, the girl was as cute as a pop
Unsurprisingly, having joined the club for such a stupid reason, I
free time, I played cards in the crowded office with the upperclassman.
on other, more important things.
Anyway, it happened after school on one of those club days. My
central courtyard. Suddenly, she pointed at one of the corners of the
"Hey, that's bullying, isn't it?"
uniform. They were punching him in the stomach.
ones doing the bullying, too, smiled broadly. It was the kind of scene you
"That's terrible." The cute girl broke the silence. A very empathetic
which point, an amazing idea flashed through my mind: I could show
"Shall I go help him?"
Welcome to the N.H.K.
I nodded. I figured that middle school brats shouldn't be any
It was fine when I yelled the slogan, "Bullying isn't cool!" and waded
away. The girl looked at me in disgust, and the victim continued to be
Nevertheless, Yamazaki, the boy who had been bullied, seemed to
was under. He even joined the literary club as soon as he moved up to
By that time, I was already a third-year student. Since the older girl
up as the president so I could focus on my entrance exam studies. Then,
Except for talking to him two or three times at the graduation
until this moment.
exaggeratedly high spirits. He hadn't changed at all since I had last seen
seemed to have become somewhat more masculine; that turned out not
combat potential.
The Meeting
Though his eyes were swollen and red from his recent tears, he now
Rooted to a spot by the door, I asked hesitantly, "Why are you here?"
"I. . . " I started to tell him that I had just happened to move into this
hesitated. I didn't want Yamazaki to learn my true status: unemployed,
Not noticing my difficulties, Yamazaki voluntarily explained his
a cheap apartment close to school, I happened to like this one."
"Anyway, please come in. My room is dirty, though."
warmly urged me inside. Obediently, I took off my shoes and stepped
Of course, the layout was no different than my room.
There was a strange atmosphere to Yamazaki's room, an extremely
posters stuck haphazardly to the walls, two gigantic computer towers, a
kinds of furniture and decorations. Everything combined to create a
"Please, have a seat there." Yamazaki's voice brought me back to
Following his directive, I unsteadily ventured deeper into his room.
46
jumped nervously.
Manga, novels, videotapes, DVDs, plastic bottles, empty tissue
"My room is rather dirty."
"Still, I'm really happy. I never would have guessed that I lived next
a faraway look in his eyes, paying no mind as I trampled something
Finally, I reached the computer desk and sat in the revolving chair.
Not knowing what to say, I stared at his seventeen inch monitor. It
"It's strange that we've never run into each other here, even though
I half listened to him while examining the figurine displayed on top
schoolbag on her back.
urban disinterest in one's neighbors."
older than elementary school age, drawn, predictably, in anime style. I
"What's wrong? Satou, you're so quiet. Oh, I guess my music was too
The Meeting
On top of the desk, there were piles of square boxes that appeared to
intimidating labels—stuff like "torture," "wet," "abuse," "lewd," "tie,"
"adventure"—things one didn't typically see. And of course, above the
on it advised, "Not for those under 18 years of age."
of manga next to the wall.
Satou. I never thought I'd get to see you again, and I really respect you.
Picking up one of the manga, I flipped through it. Naturally, I found
aged, along with a yellow mark for "Adult Comics."
probably seen it in a TV commercial. . . "
asked, "What school are you going to?"
Without intending to, I rolled my eyes toward heaven.
the dim life in a dirty school building, beautiful young girls, and boys
Welcome to the N.H.K.
the midst of that surreal time, we all had been dreaming of a wonderful
Those were the days when we were always in the club offices after
smoked cigarettes behind a shabby, old prefab hut that looked as though
jobs, we didn't throw ourselves into our clubs, we had bad grades,
student headed absolutely nowhere, I was always smiling.
and assorted scraps littered the floor, the cute upperclassman and I had
asked.
I should be able to find something I like while I'm there."
She looked away. Suddenly, she murmured, "Remember your recent
kind of cool. You'll be fine, Satou. You'll definitely be fine."
Time passed. She graduated. Later, in the same club office,
"Satou, you'll graduate this year."
"It'll be lonely. Everyone's getting older."
Taking a cigarette out of my pocket, I offered it to Yamazaki, who took
49
Cautiously, he lit it. He launched into a magnificent fit of coughing.
"What goes well?"
daily life. You should work hard, too, Satou, and so will I. I'll leave with
Yamazaki was filled with both hope and anxiety. In that shabby club
were dreaming.
futureless life, scared by my foolish anxieties, unable to see ahead and
life. I was beset on all sides by invisible worries.
Spring passed, summer ended, fall came, and then winter arrived. Then,
My forward progress to the future had stopped, and I was at my
And then, one day, we met again. Yamazaki and I had met again.
All this time, we'd been inhaling the same city air.
we still were looking forward.
missed so much, the setting sun shining through the narrow windows
Welcome to the N.H.K.
"Whatever happens will happen."
That pleasant, gentle time after school.
couldn't even have imagined ourselves four years in the future.
asked, "Where are you going to school?"
"Yoyogi Animation Institute."16
"What are you doing now?" he asked me.
Yamazaki looked away, and an uncomfortable silence passed.
were you crying?"
other students, I didn't have any friends, and I just started living alone.
"You've been shut in here all the time these days?"
I stood up quickly. "Wait just a second," I said, and I went back to
I returned to Yamazaki's room, carrying beer cans in both hands.
The Meeting
"What?"
The day when you can escape from being a hikikomori definitely will
Truthfully, I was noisily professing my own desires. "It's okay,
long as I'm with you, your situation can't get any worse!"
drunk enough that consciousness evaporated. Our party continued late
songs. Because we both were incredibly inebriated, we might have just
Even if it was a dream, that's fine. I sang with vigor.
Lyrics and Music by Satou Tatsuhiro
Oh, this apartment:
I lie on the bed, even while awake, and sleep sixteen hours a day.
A cockroach is hiding.
And I lose weight every day.
52
The gazes of others frighten me, though.
Telling me how hard it is to escape my apartment.
There is emptiness in searching and not finding it.
To lie down in my damp bed.
Oh, I can't go on. I can't go on!
asleep on the floor, I woke up with a terrible headache. Yamazaki had
I gently shook his shoulders. "What about school?"
Saying this, Yamazaki closed his eyes again.
an aspirin and went back to sleep.
Chapter end
Report
|
Donate
Oh o, this user has not set a donation button.
|