NHK ni Youkoso! Vol 1 Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Part One

food, so I decided to try sleeping to conserve energy. I would be awake

schedule.

worst, my stomach hurt a little bit. By the time the fourth day rolled

ramen. I want to eat curry and rice. Regardless of my will, my body

Finally, on the fifth day of fasting, I left the apartment. Spending my

magazine, I decided to start doing physical work that very day. 

199

bringing supplies into event halls, helping with moving and the like.

higher-ups; even so, the work was refreshing. The rougher I treated my

several years, I could go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed.

month. After registering with a temporary agency, I was able to get daily

immediately reduced the amount of work I was doing. I decided to work

half. As long as I could make about one hundred thousand yen a month,

Whenever possible, I tried to work nights. Nighttime traffic control

taking a four-day legal training course; once you finished that, however,

In the middle of the night, I waved the glowing red guide stick back

thing I could hear all night long was the echo of construction equipment

alone. Sometimes a car would pass, but all I had to do was wave the

Because I almost never needed to speak to others while working, I

conditioned reflexes to wave the guide stick, back and forth, back and

Welcome to the N.H.K.

thousand yen per night, counting my travel fare.

and then shut myself away. This lifestyle continued and, with

winter.

thoroughly cold—probably because I had previously sold off my kotatsu

was freezing, always shivering uncontrollably. At that point, in place of a

Yamazaki had left behind when he moved.

want to have to carry it, so I was going to throw it away. But seeing as I

He'd left with those words.

whirring indicated that it was operating, and an anime wallpaper

generated an amazing amount of heat. Soon, I warmed up and began to

Just then, I recognized a familiar icon displayed on the computers

It looked like the executable file for the erotic game that Yamazaki

The hard disk started groaning. After a long loading period, the game

I played it for several hours. And then, I understood. . . I understood 

201

The genre was an RPG, but it was an extremely cheap RPG, with

It wasn't an erotic game any longer, and the story was utterly

journey about love and youth taken by soldiers fighting against a giant,

who becomes a warrior to fight evil and protect the heroine. This wishfulfillment

meaninglessly on and on and on.

Come on, what idiot could have come up with such a stupid scenario?

for the story.

understood the scenario of the game: Soldiers taking a stand against evil.

organization; we had wanted to fight villains. If a war had broken out,

attacks. That definitely would have been a meaningful way to live and an

have battled them. Fists raised in the air, we would have fought. There

There weren't any villains, though. The world was just complicated

was excruciating.

Welcome to the N.H.K.

progressed farther into it, I realized that it actually had a wonderful

character, fighting an enormously powerful enemy, vowed to protect the

"I'll protect your life!" Heedless of his own safety, he prepared to

end of the game.

attack." No matter how much I attacked the last boss, I couldn't do any

Finally, I had no choice but to use the special attack—the final death

mortal wound to the enemy. There was no other way to defeat the final

hand and went to perform his special attack.

executed his special attack on the final boss—the game suddenly froze!

apparently had left a letter that seemed like an excuse.

organization than to use your special attack. You can gain victory only if

actually is made up of our entire world. Because the second you choose

disappears into nothingness. Then, peace will come to you. Still, I didn't

definitely isn't that I just didn't want to go through the pain of drawing 

203

terrible game. Nothing like that. . . "

watched Yamazaki desperately work on this game, but the final

What in the world could he be doing right now? This question suddenly

news from him since he left, and I didn't feel like contacting him, either.

Christmas came once again. The city lights twinkled.

Tonight's work was traffic control in the parking lot of a new

entrances were equipped with fully automated ticket machines, I had

machines; but each time, I just ended up swinging my stick back and

There were no accidents, nothing happened, and Christmas Eve

About an hour before the store closed, a car came by. The car itself

note about it. However, because the interior lights were on, I recognized

Startled, I tried to push my cap down over my eyes as much as 

204

recognition. But I felt that my high school acquaintance, sitting in the

Of course, that, too, was just a delusion.

stick and helmet into my bag. Swaying back and forth on one of the last

stopped by a convenience store to buy alcohol and the like.

the steep road that led to my apartment, I drank a beer. I hadn't had

hiked up the long, sloping path. In the distance, an ambulance's siren

Merry Christmas.

drunken stumble. Walking carefully, I could avoid swaying drastically,

and wobbled from telephone pole to telephone pole. I tripped over a

of the road when, right in front of me, an ambulance rushed past.

I thought perhaps I should complain in a loud, drunken voice, "You

I stopped in mid-sentence.

dashed out of the front door. He yelled to one of the paramedics as they

Dive

the stretcher back through the front door. Misaki was limp.

ambulance at a breakneck speed.

It was almost New Year's Eve. One afternoon, I loitered in front of the

admitted.

station and had gotten the information from her exhausted uncle.

"We thought she was doing better. She'd been much calmer since

that was because of what she'd planned. By the way, how do you know

"We're sort of acquaintances," I answered. I retreated from the

I had been hanging out in the courtyard for nearly two hours.

forth on the path from the main gate to the front entrance.

ward. Apparently, she'd swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills. It was

late. 

206

they may have been from the neighborhood psychiatrist. But to have

going there for quite for a while. That meant that this attempt clearly

What in the world did I intend to do, showing up unannounced? I

Should I cry saying something like, "Don't die!". . . ?

Misaki had written numerous, similar clichés in her secret notebook.

In short, there was nothing I could do for her. It might even be

emptier, getting a hospital visit from a pathetic hikikomori.

but at the hospital gate, my feet would stop on their own. Once more, I

My thoughts were looping around. If this kept up, it looked like I

mind.

could change my mind again. I got a visitor's badge at the front desk,

The entire fourth floor was an open psychiatric ward. At first

psychiatric ward would be full of straitjackets, electroshock equipment,

Dive

cheerful; it seemed like an ordinary part of the hospital.

sixty, apparently a patient, had squatted down in the corner of the

In the far corner of the fourth-floor hall, a nameplate identified

There was no mistake. This was the room.

There was no answer.

However, my knocking seemed to have dislodged the door, though it

"Misaki?" I peeked into the room.

Well, if she's not here, there's nothing I can do. I'll go home!

hospital gift shop. And I noticed someone had left a train schedule open

in red ballpoint pen. Moving it aside, I put down the fruit basket.

read it: "Mikka Tororo was delicious. Therefore, farewell, everyone."

dashed out of the hospital and headed toward the station.

Welcome to the N.H.K.

They should have put her on a closed ward with iron bars over the

should have put her in a straitjacket and pumped her full of medicine to

She was heading back to the town where she'd been born. She was likely

I remembered the discussion we'd had a good while ago:

right before he died. Then, he ate grated yam with his mother and

"Hm."

after all."

return to her hometown. She likely intended to dive into the sea from

wasn't going to be that easy, though. Now that I had found her suicide

As far as I could tell from looking at the notes marked on the

chased after her, I should be able to make it in plenty of time. I knew

part of the trip, I might even reach the destination before Misaki. There

On the night train, I opened a map, purchased at a bookstore along

played when she'd been little. Here it is. The map showed only one cape

Dive

Misaki probably had boarded the train that had departed right

likely was heading for the town where she'd been born, toward the cape

following her.

point, at least, I wasn't worried. The problem lay elsewhere.

I understood her suffering, if only a little bit. It was just the very tip

trapped, as though she'd run out of options. And her pain would never,

Of course, that was natural. In a way, her pain was common to all

feelings. I, too, was troubled by them.

Knowing that, could I stop her from jumping? Did I have the right

appropriate like, "Even so, keep living!" or "Stop whining!"

While I was mulling over these things, the train arrived at it's

Exiting the station, I found that the town was deserted. It was

the station was as silent as a ghost town. There was no sign of anyone on 

210

On top of that, it was snowing and really cold. As the town was

fastened shut the neck of my coat and headed toward the sole taxi in

poised at the threshold of old age, looked like he'd been sleeping in his

Getting into the warm car, I pointed at the map to show him my

expression that said, "Are you serious?"

clank.

"Sightseeing. Please hurry."

along the ocean shore. It headed straight up a steep hill. On the right,

taxi stopped.

there isn't anything here." The taxi driver spoke as though in apology.

"You don't really plan to. . . No, the construction is complete, so it

I looked around. There really wasn't anything here. Or more

As the ocean was on my right side, I thought I would find the cliff if

Dive

area. I felt terribly helpless. For the time being, I crossed the road and,

path.

snow, which came up to my ankles, and taking care not to slip and fall, I

the surrounding darkness grew deeper and deeper.

and I could hardly see anything at all. Then, the brush thinned abruptly.

the Sea of Japan. That's right. I had made it to the very edge of the cape.

ahead. I finally had arrived. I had reached my destination!

I looked around, but I couldn't see much. A large full moon floated

make out anything but vague outlines. There seemed to be no sign of

What did this mean? Had I arrived first? Or had Misaki stopped

My heart began pulsing violently, and my blood curdled.

before I even arrived, right? She'd be here shortly. Soon, Misaki would

I stepped back and sat on a bench that faced the ocean. With my face

An hour passed. Misaki didn't come. It began to seem as though she 

212

Without realizing it, I started talking to myself.

"'Why what?"

"No, you didn't."

"You were off by only five minutes. Maybe you should be a

I slowly turned my face to the right. Standing there was Misaki. She

Perching on the edge of the bench, Misaki explained, "You finally

long."

A violent rage boiled up inside me. I felt as though she had made an ass

tone as possible, "Well then, let's go home! It's cold out here!"

What do you mean you don't want to?! You, ah crap, just stop making a

somehow, I was able to control the impulse.

of Self-Injury. It had theorized, "Those who try to commit suicide 

213

what they have to say, so try and listen to them with a kind demeanor, as

comments."

I turned to Misaki as I fixed my collar. That was proof of my gentle

Misaki smiled. It was a derisive smile.

all the way here; of course, I held back. In a kindly voice, I asked, "Why

"It wasn't your fault or anything, Satou."

"I've grown tired of living."

"I got sick of everything. There was no reason for me to keep on

making a fool out of me, after all?

longer, Satou. You're just a hikikomori, in the end."

"I will die."

"You don't have to be in such a panic. To begin with, I'm basically

year. If my uncle hadn't found me, I would have succeeded. No matter

Welcome to the N.H.K.

There, in the winter, standing at a cape in the inky darkness, we

years removed from the normal, everyday world.

chattered.

try to stop me if you want, even though it's impossible."

longer held any merit. Without any shame at all, she was arguing for

I rebutted, "If you're saying stuff like that, Misaki, then you don't

In response, Misaki put her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out

"I have a box cutter here." The blade slid out of the handle. She

"That's dangerous!" I tried to grab Misaki's hand.

avoid my grasp.

too dose, I'll probably cut you!" As she shouted this, Misaki stretched

behind her back. She looked like she was attempting some fencing pose.

"I learned it from a book called The Art of Murder that I read at the

Putting several feet between us, Misaki swung around the box 

215

"Aren't you disgusted? Disgusted because the person you came all

though, Satou. I'm sure you were thinking something along those lines,

girl about to commit suicide. That's what you were thinking, wasn't it?

With the moon at her back, it was hard to see her, so I couldn't tell

That much seemed certain. I asked her seriously, "If I told you I'm

"I wouldn't do anything. I'm finished. I mean, you're just a

mind quickly. Besides, in actuality, you don't like me at all, right? If

it's better for me to die. It's not like my desires can be granted by just

die."

"Ha ha ha. You're so funny, Satou. But it's no use. I'm going to die!"

Still, I knew that words like "love" and "hate" probably weren't that

I thought that I should try my best to explain this to her. I should

away at once. The second I pronounced them, they would lose all

Welcome to the N.H.K.

I just didn't understand. What should I do? What did I want to do?

thought.

sooner or later. Even if I do keep living, there will he only more suffering and

be better to die. This was a thoroughly logical conclusion that no one

At least, I couldn't refute it. In fact, I doubted that anyone was less

was.

you're going to die."

Deciding to rely on force, I stepped toward Misaki, who was still

movements, I lunged forward and reached out my right hand. Just before

my palm. A second later, blood began to flow. It soaked into the snow.

Misaki stared at the bloody box cutter, a dreamy expression on her

Misaki looked as though she were also about to smile.

Dive

Finally, I understood. I knew what I needed to do: I would keep this girl

How? Does a hikikomori like me have the power to do things for others?

Yet somewhere, there had to be a wonderful solution. I truly

had to be a way to fulfill Misaki's wishes and my own hopes. Surely, I

I would erase her pain and make it possible for her to live on,

tomorrow, give her the strength to live. The method—I had to know it

Once, she'd said to me, "If that type of bad God did exist, then we

our misery onto God, then we would have that much more peace of

"If I could believe in God, I could become happy. Even if God is a

I have a poor imagination, so I can't believe in God very easily. Look,

the Bible?"

the main instigator of all evil. If she could believe in the existence of

miracle occurred in front of her, it would prove the existence of this

living. I'll grant your wish!

218

require an enormous sacrifice. That, itself, however, was what I desired.

perform.

moment, burning out my life in a wonderful manner. I truly feel alive. I

It was true, looking at it objectively, that this was quite a dramatic

committing suicide. It was all rather moving. Given that fact, the words

something eloquent.

frightened, so I tried to bolster my courage.

realized that I had existed for this moment, when I would do whatever I

mission. If not, then there was no meaning. . . No meaning for my having

I understood everything. I knew everything, and everything was

I would help Misaki, who was shaking with terror. I would give my

all along. The flags that guided me toward the ending all had unfurled.37

scene into motion. Because of that, I would stand up and face it. Misaki

Dive

I was scared. Please, help me. . .

"It's not your fault, Misaki."

not your fault at all, Misaki. Not a single part is your fault."

surrounded the two of us.

deeper. Why were we so sad? Why were we so lonely? Do you know the

That's why we're trembling. We're forever alone, and we're forever lonely.

don't hate yourself. Don't hate yourself. There are other things you should hate.

"That's right, there are bad people. There are people who've hurt

There's no need for you to be sad. No need at all. Why must you be sad? If

would be strange, wouldn't it? That's just nonsense. That's why there has to be

That's why. . .

However, there is a more than a ninety-nine percent chance that the

simple delusions or even intentional lies. When you visit a bookstore,

Economy! or The Super Conspiracy of the CIA That Hides Their Secret Pact 

220

Even so. . .

A tiny percentage of people actually have stumbled upon a real

eyes a conspiracy that exists, at this very moment, in the most extreme

Who is this person?

What was the enemy's name? I knew it. I had known it for a long

for which Misaki had earnestly wished. Its name was. . .

That's right! I remembered everything now: the name of my enemy,

live until now, and the reason I had spent every day empty and vapid.

listen to me!

detail. "Listen, Misaki. In this world, there is an evil organization. It's

globe. They're an evil, secret society, and they're the ones who put us

happens around you, it's all the N.H.K.'s doing. Everything is the

"For starters, the name N.H.K. itself is simply a coincidence. The

Dive

it whatever you want. If you wish, you can even call it Satan. Or call it

"It's true. The names don't matter at all. They're just a set of sounds.

For example, take that girl from my high school literature club. To her,

continually defeated her. She was weak in both mind and spirit."

I continued, "In the case of Misaki, N.H.K. means 'Nihon Hikan

saw everything in a pessimistic way. Please, forgive me for being alive. Don't

"Then, my own N.H.K. . . .

just as it's their fault that you suffer, Misaki. That's the truth. I learned

them for a long time, but it's no use anymore. I've finally fallen victim to

live on, in health."

I released her and took a step back. Now, I would show her a

would reveal my true nature as a strong soldier who battled the N.H.K.,

If I did that, Misaki probably would believe my story. She would live

pessimistic personality probably would be healed.

Welcome to the N.H.K.

afraid. You were afraid of being hated by others. You were afraid that others'

and that feeling absolutely will never change.

"Ah! I can't go on! It's a psychic attack by the N.H.K.!"

"Do I look like I'm going crazy? If so, then that, too, is caused by the

blow! Just you watch!" I got up and ran, heading for the edge of the cliff.

"Goodbye, Misaki! My legs are moving on their own. I'm going to be

something to return their strike. I'll destroy them!"

"That's right! In order to defeat the N.H.K., I have to sacrifice my

I'll protect you!"

I had to run out into the night sky with all my strength. The cliff

Because of my unbelievably idiotic end, Misaki would have to believe

of that evil organization. And it probably would bring her happiness.

This was all I had wanted. I always had intended to die. 

223

was the clearest way to kill two birds with one stone. I was the one who

After all, I even had tried to starve myself to death. But that had

through with something like a fast: My limit was four days. Then, I had

worked hard before my death. I always had been searching for some way

In short, I was a much crazier person than you. It proves that, emotionally,

this, right? Misaki, while you look down on me, at the same time, please accept

defeat the N.H.K. and get rid of dye evil organization. Please, believe this. If

Watch my special attack and burn it into your mind. Look, can you see it?

the Revolutionary Bomb that Yamazaki refrained from using, an earthshattering

away the N.H.K. But it's more than strong enough to snuff out this minuscule,

will disappear, because the N.H.K. is God. It is the entire world. And with my

why I need to do my special attack right now, with the legendary Revolutionary

I was going to die. I was going to dive from the cliff soon. Behind me,

Welcome to the N.H.K.

No one could stop me now.

invigorated, running as fast as I could, atop the cliffs, in the dark.

There was no reason for me to live. I didn't want to live.

mere seconds, the space of one heartbeat, I would soar out into the wideopen

After just a few more seconds, swinging my arms as hard as possible

I could truly escape, leave my six-mat, one-room apartment and fly

Ah, just a little longer. I'll fly soon.

long jump. I'd jump out. . .

I jumped.

Both my legs left the ground. My body was floating in the air, and

I would fall and smash into the Sea of Japan.

Yamazaki made, I would use my special arrack on the N.H.K. To

wished for that game scenario, and I was going to die exactly the way I

Dive

Soon, I will be saved. . . .

me. The ending of that game—no matter how I tried, I couldn't

fact, was there even an ending at all?

It might have been a dream. I already might have lost consciousness

Japan and a bright, starry sky stretched out before my eyes.

My body would start falling soon. I would die. That had to happen.

On this bluff, where there had been too many incidents,

Revolutionary Bomb disappeared without going off.

No answer came back to me. 

Chapter end