chap 13+4

Nothing bad will come of it.
Well, of course not. You won’t even be able to feel things are bad anymore.
It’ll be easy. It’ll set you free.
You suffer because you think you are there. Affirming that you are there every moment, it’s pretty exhausting, isn’t it?
Because you have to keep affirming it.
Like stabbing yourself with a needle.
Prick, prick, prick.
It’s a thin needle, so holding it is a lot of effort.
It’s possible you may drop and lose sight of it.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self. Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
Your self.
With each moment, that needle stabs into the back of your hand somewhere. There’s no need to work so hard. It’s a lot of effort, right?
If you get tired, you can rest.
Don’t push yourself, rest.
Rest.
Rest now.
Rest.
Come now, rest.

Stop.

I open my eyes. Even if it’s dark, I can see. Take a breath. Breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Even if I can’t control my heart, I can control my breathing. I can sense it. That I am here. The one controlling my breath, that is my self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.

My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self. My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
My self.
With each moment, I affirm my existence, like stabbing in a needle.
I exist.
Here.
I am here.
Someone look at me. Hear my voice.
Feel me.
Hold me.
Please.
Sometimes, I just don’t know. Sometimes? All the time? It’s not a matter of frequency? How often? Is it important? It’s nothing to think about so deeply, I think. Because I’ll get used to it. I can get used to anything. At this rate, I will end up getting used to it.
So look at me. Hear my voice. Feel me. Hold me. Please.
But I don’t want to use you like that.

I am impure.
 



Her name was Zapp.
There was one very prominent horn on her sturdy head. Her face was big and oval-shaped. Her thin eyes looked nothing if not peaceful, but who knew if she actually was.
Her movements were relaxed, and she was mild. She was hairy, but her tough, brown hair wasn’t all that long.
Her body was huge. Taller than Kuzaku. What was more, Zapp wasn’t even standing up.
A ganaro was a quadrupedal creature, so it wasn’t common for them to stand on their hind legs, but this one was still big.
Ganaroes were raised widely throughout Grimgar as livestock. Humans, orcs, and other races had tamed ganaroes since long ago, using them for milk, meat, or labor. They were a common animal, so Zapp felt familiar.
She was an especially large ganaro. At first they thought she was male, but she was actually female.
Kejiman stroked her strong neck and smiled as he introduced her. “This is my partner. She’s like a wife to me. Wahahaha!”
Did he mean that as a joke? It wasn’t clear, but Haruhiro wasn’t going to laugh.
The boxy four-wheeled cart Zapp pulled was rather small, but it had spring suspension. It was called the Vestargis-go.
It had a crew of one. It looked like you could cram three people into the coachman’s seat, but Kejiman said it really only sat one.
In addition to Zapp, Kejiman brought a bird named Nipp with him. Nipp was a kind of large, flightless bird called a storuch.
There were wild storuches living in the Quickwind Plains, but they were not used to orcs or humans. Only this domesticated breed, produced through the tenacious use of selective breeding, would let humans and orcs ride it.
Still, it was important to never stand behind a storuch. Because they would send you flying with an incredibly powerful kick.
“Nipp is my friend, I guess,” Kejiman grinned. “The only friend I need. Wahahaha!”
He deliberately stood behind Nipp, showing off this neat trick of his where he dodged a powerful kick by a hair’s breadth.
“Even I have a hard time getting out of the way. If you don’t retreat immediately, there’ll be a second one coming, too. If you take two in a row, it’ll nearly kill you. I speak from experience here. Wahahaha!”
With that said and out of the way, it was now the party’s job to protect the merchant caravan consisting of Kejiman, Zapp the ganaro, Nipp the storuch, and the four-wheeled cart Vestargis-go on their twenty-five day journey to Alerna.
Food and water were provided, and he would pay them thirty silver each. Kiichi the gray nyaa would, by the way, not be counted towards that.
Kejiman’s initial offer had been a daily allowance of one silver, making it twenty-five silver per person. It was hardly good pay, and it would have seemed unnatural to accept it easily, so Haruhiro had made a point of at least haggling.
“Now, listen, my life is on the line with this trade,” Kejiman warned them. “It always is, though.”
After holding out as long as he could, Kejiman offered thirty silver, saying he could go no higher, on account of not having the money.
“I put almost everything I have into stocking up, you see. There’s no way I’d have money to pay you people. If I hadn’t met you all, I was thinking I’d be fine going alone. I’d’ve had no choice but to go it alone. What will you do? Will you go? Will you not go? I’m fine either way. It’s up to you people. Do as you please!”
As per their first impression, this guy was nuts. He was a bit nervous to do it, but Haruhiro didn’t want to be taken advantage of, so he kept on haggling, and they finally agreed that once the cargo was sold in Alterna, there would be a bonus.
The Gate of the Sea God in Vele opened at half past six o’clock in the morning. They set out not long afterwards, taking an unmapped route to the southwest.
Kejiman sat in the coachman’s seat of the Vestargis-go, and Nipp followed behind despite not being tethered to it.
Haruhiro and the party were on foot. While making very sure that they didn’t end up behind Nipp and get kicked, they kept on walking.
The humble merchant Kejima’s trade caravan ignored the perfectly fine road paved with whitish stones, the White Road, and instead crossed fields, forests, and hills to push southwest.
That it was better than Darunggar went without saying, but it was also better than Thousand Valley or the Kuaron Mountains. Even if they did nothing but walk for twenty-five days, that was an easy trip by the party’s standards.
“Man, there’s nothing out here...” Kuzaku mumbled to himself, and Kejiman laughed nasally.
“We’d be in trouble if there was. I’m going out of my way to avoid places people go. Now listen, I’m about to say something obvious, but it’s because you people are ignorant. I’d like you to hear me out with that in mind, but there are a million thieves and bandits in these parts. I say a million, but I don’t mean a literal million. That would be way too many. Still, there are a lot of them. I’ve been hit a number of times myself.”
It seemed Shihoru, Merry, and Setora, who had Kiichi with her, were ignoring whatever Kejiman said unless it was important. They didn’t even respond.
Haruhiro know how they felt. The guy was kind of... infuriating, yeah. Haruhiro would have preferred not to listen himself, but the guy was their employer, so he couldn’t ignore him outright.
“So that’s why you’ve developed your own route,” Haruhiro responded.
“That’s right. Light, the Raiders, the Crush Underdogs, Dashbal...
there are all these famous groups of thieves and bandits. If they find you, and think you’ve got something of value, it’s over.” “Light...” Haruhiro murmured.
“Light is a group of volunteer soldier drop-outs. If you ask me, humans who’ve ruined themselves are far more villainous than either orcs or undead.”
“...Oh, yeah? Is that how it is?”
“Orcs, they’re pure, I guess you could say,” Kejiman said. “There’s something refreshing about the way they act. It’s a bit harder to figure out what undead are thinking, but they don’t act cruel for no good reason. The ones you really need to watch out for are humans who’ve gone astray.”
“Right...”
“Still, though, even with scary guys like Light, it’s not like they’ll just show up out of nowhere to kill, rape, and pillage.”
“...Yeah.”
“Ha! ‘Yeah,’ he says! What’s your problem?! Come on! Get involved in the conversation! I’m making an effort to talk with you here!”
I’m not getting involved in the conversation because I’m not that interested in what you have to say. Haruhiro wanted to say that, but couldn’t. It might be satisfying to, but it was sure to cause trouble.
“...Do they threaten you?” Haruhiro asked at last.
“They do. Well, hey. I guess you’re interested, after all.”
“Do I look that way?”
“There! That’s the way to be!”
“...Huzzah.”
“Threats are their usual modus operandi. ‘You pay us this much, we won’t attack,’ they’ll say. I’m sure that larger caravans with a proper defense force can just tell them to ‘Bring it on!’ though. That’s why the thieves and bandits, they don’t attack those sorts of caravans. Everyone values their own lives, after all. In the end, it’s the medium and small ones that get hit. For an independent trader like me, I have to get by on my wits and courage alone. I’m looking for a wife, by the way!”
“...I see.”
“I mean really looking for a wife! I’m super, super looking for one! How about it?! There’s a seat open beside me, you know?!” Kejiman slid over, patting the spot beside him.
The women in the group were freezingly silent.
“Wahahaha! It’s fine, it’s fine. Pure, innocent men who are pursuing their ideals, like me. Women hardly ever understand us. It’s fine. Just fine. When it comes down to it, I can just buy them!” “That’s pretty scummy,” Kuzaku let slip.
Kejiman erupted in an instant, standing in the coachman’s seat. “Hey, you! Who’re you calling scum, you handsome bastard?! Don’t get all full of yourself just because you’re tall and good-looking!”
“Nah... I’m not that full of myself.”
“Yes, you are! You so are! Let me tell you, me, I’ve never once been popular with the ladies! The number of people I’ve gone out with, zero! Still, if I just pay, even a man like me can have his needs satisfied! This is reality! Even if they don’t love me, I have people who’ll pretend they do! If I pay, that is!”
“...Erm. Listen, I’m sorry.”
“You pity me?! Even my own father never pitied me!”
This was going to be the first a long twenty-five days. Haruhiro didn’t even want to think about it.
But, well, it wasn’t like he had no tolerance for men like Kejiman. Besides, once they reached Alterna, it’d be goodbye. If he considered this a limited-time thing, it would be easier to put up with.
On the first day they walked twenty-five, twenty-six kilometers over the course of half a day, making camp at the base of a small mountain.
Even when he slept, Kejiman stayed in the coachman’s position. Haruhiro and the rest pitched tents, taking shifts on watch. They heard the cries of nocturnal beasts, and sensed their presence, but the morning came without further event.
Kejiman being annoying aside, the second day also went well. The third, too. When things were so uneventful, that was actually worrying.
That night, Haruhiro slept lightly even when not on watch. In the morning, he had a short dream. Yume showed up out of nowhere, and she wanted Haruhiro to be a target for some reason.
Well, if you insist, he said, and acted as a target for her. Yume took aim and fired arrow after arrow at him, but they all narrowly missed.
They’re not hittin’, huh? Yume laughed.
They’re really not. Haruhiro laughed, too.
But I’ve got a feelin’ the next one’ll hit, Yume nocked an arrow and drew back the bowstring.

Chapter end