c14 8

The first was a desire to be with Alice. I would make Alice like me, as a friend maybe, and hang out with Alice. If I did, I could look at Alice all I wanted, hear Alice’s voice, and smell Alice’s scent.
The other was a desire to get to know that person, and uncover Alice’s true nature. I suspected that Alice was all appearance, and little else.
To put it bluntly, I loved Alice. Yes, I was in love with Alice. But I hated Alice just as much.
The thing I’ve always wanted, the thing that, if I had, I wouldn’t need anything else, Alice was born with. How could I not hate Alice?
I mean, if I found out that Alice was all looks, that there was nothing special inside, just a void, if I found out Alice was the ultimate doll, that would have been some consolation.
Hey, what do you think?
What is Alice thinking?
I don’t know. I don’t really know. There’s no figuring that person out.
Alice never talks about personal feelings.
I never know if Alice is lying or not, either.
Alice is cautious.
Wary of me.
But still, Alice doesn’t try to push me away, or avoid me.
Does Alice hate me?
I wonder about that.
Maybe Alice is just cautious.
Is it hatred, maybe?
Even though I love Alice so much...
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t knoooow.
There were days when Alice was listless, and other days filled with gloom. Whenever I saw Alice depressed, I felt uplifted and full of energy. On the other hand, whenever Alice was strangely cheerful, I was struck by uneasiness, and I’d feel down myself.
Sometimes, Alice was disappointingly normal. Deliberately bringing up popular topics and seeing what reaction I’d give, saying boring things anyone could come up with, and making me disappointed.
For me, whenever I saw Alice try to talk about things everyone knew, even though Alice wasn’t especially knowledgeable about the topic and only had surface-level knowledge, yet was attempting to talk about it like it was a familiar subject, that was the least “Alice” thing I could think of.
However, Alice most definitely had a side like that.
I often started to feel ill after I ate something, so on those occasions, I immediately threw whatever-it-was back up. Naturally, I made sure no one saw me doing this.
No one paid attention to me, so I felt safe in the thought that no one would realize, but whenever I was done and came back, I’d receive a knowing look, like Alice understood my circumstances and was just saying, “Welcome back.”
Every time, I felt like Alice was seeing right through me, and it gave me the chills.
I tailed Alice countless times. I was as careful as I could be, trying to follow carefully, but at some point, I always lost sight of Alice.
I think Alice probably noticed and shook me off. Despite that, Alice never said a word about it.
I gradually became thoroughly obsessed with the idea that Alice might completely understand how I would react to and feel about anything Alice did.
It wasn’t just me; Alice was toying with everyone nearby, and while it seemed blatant sometimes, there were other times I had to conclude I was overthinking things.

I occasionally had the delusion that though Alice was in front of me, the real Alice wasn’t there. I could see Alice clearly, without squinting, but I couldn’t reach out and touch that person.
The thing I thought was Alice was just a mirror reflection of Alice, and if I turned around, Alice would be there, but if I touched that Alice, it was always just a mirror, too.
Every once in a while, something Alice said or did would touch my heart or hurt me with its sharpness. I was getting hurt by Alice on a daily basis. However, I practiced the utmost care, and made sure I never hurt Alice.
If killing Alice would let me become Alice, I’m sure I’d have done it. That was, of course, impossible, though.
If I killed Alice, Alice would disappear. I wouldn’t be able to see Alice anymore.
I was not Alice’s only friend. Curse the rest of them. I wanted Alice to myself, but if I was too pushy, Alice would come to hate me, so I had to mind myself.
Alice’s friends were all people who made me want to say, Why are you even friends with someone like that?
I had ten or twenty complaints about every single one of them, and it was exceptionally painful for me to get along with them.
Even so, I had to do it.
When we were on a school trip to the sea, and talk of gathering volunteers and going spelunking came up, I wasn’t interested in the slightest. However, I heard one of Alice’s friends would be participating, so I panicked.
Knowing them, they were sure to invite Alice along. Alice probably wasn’t keen on exploring, but might reply, Oh, sure, why not?
I decided to act first. Before they could invite Alice, I’d do it myself.
Betraying my expectations, when I said we were going on an adventure, Alice was interested enough to go get a shovel from somewhere. You never knew what Alice would do.
I do regret it.
The kid I thought might invite Alice along never actually participated in the adventure. I didn’t care about the cave at all. It was just that I never wanted to feel like someone had taken Alice from me.
If that kid had invited Alice, and Alice had gone, I didn’t want to be saying, I’ll go, too, then. You couldn’t have made me say it.
Because I invited Alice on an adventure for that petty reason, my fate changed massively.
Ohhh, ohhh, I don’t want to remember!
As we pressed through the cave, we got surrounded by gas at some point, and eventually ended up unable to see. I couldn’t even find Alice, who should have been right beside me.
“...Nui?” I have a faint memory of Alice calling my name.
I might just have imagined it, though.
(Ito Nui...)
I wanted to hear it so badly, it may just have been an illusion my brain created for me.
It probably has to have been.
“Nui...!”
I definitely heard someone’s scream. Lots of them, actually. There were voices I recognized, too. There was a sound I couldn’t quite identify.
What on Earth was happening?
I got scared.
There isn’t a person who wouldn’t have been scared in that situation.
Alice! Alice! I think I called out. More than anything, the fact that Alice wasn’t at my side terrified me.
At some point, my world had stopped being about me, coming to center around Alice instead. All thoughts led to Alice, and anything not Alice-related fell out of me and vanished.
It was Alice who made me realize I was suffering from what you’d call an eating disorder. It’s not that Alice told me that directly. But Alice was good at hinting at things subtly.
One day, Alice talked to me about it.
“I know you may think I’m kind of weird, Nui. But you’re pretty weird yourself.”
“How so?” I asked.
Alice went silent for a moment, then replied, “It’s just a feeling I have.”
Whenever Alice went silent, I remember thinking about all sorts of things. That was how Alice would make me think, getting the point across without coming out and saying it clearly. It must have been self-protection for Alice, too.
I managed to uncover the fact that Alice had been bullied before. It was something I heard from other people; the bullying had been really intense, not just fun and games.
When I found out Alice had been through such a terrible experience, I felt so sorry for Alice, I cried. At the same time, it gave me leverage over Alice, so I was really happy.
When I thought about the moment when I would present my secret weapon to Alice, I was so excited, I couldn’t sleep. Using dolls to represent me, Alice, and the onlooking crowd, I put on a little performance of the scene.
I could corner Alice at any time.
I could make Alice submit at any time.
But I wouldn’t do that. That was because Alice was important to me, and I loved Alice. This was the proof of my love.
Still, if Alice ever mistreated me and tried to throw me away, I’d use my secret move. That was when I’d finally hurt Alice badly.
And so, I finally confessed my feelings to Alice.
I said that no matter what Alice was really like, I would love that Alice.
I said that I really liked Alice.
That I loved Alice.
I said I’d never hurt Alice again, that this was the last time I’d dig at old wounds.
I wanted Alice to trust me, to open up and show me everything, and to know it was safe to do that.
I was confident a day like that would come.
But now, Alice was gone.
Gone. That was what Alice was.
It was more than thoughts like, I can’t see, or, I know we went into a cave, but this can’t be a cave, or, Where is this? or, Our spelunking group seems to be under attack, or, What is attacking up? Is it a beast? Or a ghost?
What really frightened me was, Alice is gone.
Alice couldn’t be gone. The world could be turned upside down, and if I was with Alice, it’d be no big deal.
Alice is gone. That’s the one thing that troubles me.
“Nui...!” Alice was calling.
(You feel that strongly...)
I searched, and searched, and searched for Alice. Searching, and searching, and sear, search, sear, sear, searsear, searerererchinginginginginginging and searchsearchsearchsearchsearch.
I was so lonely and alone.
Being all a-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lone was just too sad.
Doll.
Doll.
Who are you?
I’m Alice.
Who’s that?
A-lice.
Alince?
Alinoce?
Alialialialinocececececececececececealincealialialinocececececececec e?
There’s no person like that.
Not anywhere.
Not anyone.
Dolls, dolls, it’s just you and me.
Let’s all live in happy harmony.
(They’re here.)
You, I think you’d be better with long legs. Let me extend those for you.
Now that your legs are longer, they’re out of balance with your arms. Let’s make the arms longer, too.
You could use a longer neck, too.
Your head is kind of big.
Let me put this little head here on you.
Your ankles are so fat and ugly. Let’s file them down.
(Alice is here...)
“Nui...!”
(Alice is here. Really here.)
“Nui!”
(Notice.)
(Come back.)
(Ito Nui.)
“Nui!”
(Nui-san.)
(Come with me.)
“Nui!”
Alice?

Ohhhh.
So that’s where you were...


11. Embrace Me Gently

[never_let_me_down]

Setora was trying her best not to think, What in the world is going on?
Or rather, at some point, she had stopped thinking that. That was most likely because it had become ingrained in her, the belief that thinking about it wasn’t going to do any good.
She had given up on looking back at the road they’d taken and trying to commit it to memory, too. They just went straight, and would come to bottomless swamps with white bubbles, and cliffs that were like bolts of lightning.
If they turned 180 degrees and went back the way they came, naturally they should have seen familiar places, but for some reason that wasn’t always the case. No, it might be fairer to say it was hardly ever the case.
Impossible! Something is wrong! Maybe it was a rejection of the lack of consistency, or a more primal fear and uncertainty, or confusion, but whatever it was, it was hard to suppress the feeling.
Still, confronting the reality in front of her while harboring those feelings would have been even more difficult. In order to adapt to the unrealistic reality she was in, she had to accept it all.
First, she abandoned any preconceptions of what reality should be like. She accepted the reality she had, but then what?
It made her sleepy, so when the sweet wind blew, she’d cover her mouth with cloth. Drinking water made her intensely sad, so she didn’t drink. The lack of food and water wouldn’t cause her to waste away, so she didn’t eat or drink at all.
“But this is...”
When she climbed to the top of a hill that seemed to spin around, no, that actually was spinning, a town spread out beneath her.
Was it a town? There were rows of buildings large and small with roofs tiled with slate, or something similar, and roads in between them. She could spot gardens and walls, too. There was a thin haze, so she couldn’t see clearly, but might the things moving up and down the streets be humans?
“They still seem awfully normal, or sane. Oh, I guess they’re the same thing, huh?” her fellow traveler said with a laugh.
This woman was acting awfully strange, too, but it was questionable if that was to simply be accepted alongside the other events. She wasn’t sure what to do about that.
Just looking at the woman, she was no different from before. Not like Kiichi, who had transformed massively and now carried his master on his back.
Yes, Kiichi had changed. Looking at Kiichi with her on his back, only one in ten thousand people might still think he was a nyaa.
Nyaas were creatures that were sometimes also called monkey-cats, or cat-monkeys, and when measured from the top of the head to the bottom of the body, tail excluded, even the largest was less than half as long as a grown person. They would walk on all-fours when moving, but they could stand on their hind legs, and with training, they could use their front legs dexterously like hands. But what about now?
Right now Kiichi was approximately more than twice his master’s size, his four legs were all frighteningly thick, and he had the face of a vicious carnivore. There wasn’t a shred of charm to be found.
She couldn’t deny his excessive viciousness was cute in a way, but still, he had left the range of what she would call a nyaa and had burst into an entirely different dimension.
While he defended his master, diligently biting the monsters that tried to attack them to death, Kiichi gradually grew bigger, and stronger. Were all of the monsters in this world highly nutritious?
No... even if he were to eat nutritional supplements in large quantities, as an adult nyaa, Kiichi wouldn’t have grown this large.
She couldn’t understand it, but she had to accept it. However he might look now, Kiichi was Kiichi. He was loyal to his master even without harsh discipline, had a rare personality that included tenacity in addition to his strong curiosity, and was exceptionally intelligent, adaptable, and athletic. Among all the nyaas she had seen, he had demonstrated the highest potential.
It was best for her to optimistically assume that it was because of Kiichi’s nature that, even after becoming like this, he still served his master the same as ever.
In this world, everything changed. Everything was changing. Was it really all right to conclude her fellow traveler was no exception to that?
Guarrrr... Perhaps sensing the disturbance in his master’s heart, Kiichi let out a low growl.
While stroking Kiichi’s neck, she turned to see what her fellow traveler, who was standing next to her and looking down at the town, was looking at. It might be best to put the question to her.
Who are you? No, maybe she needed to be more direct. You’re not her, are you? Not the woman called Merry. You’re someone else. I’m right, aren’t I?
“Hm?” The woman with Merry’s face looked her way and smiled.
It was a fake smile, one she could only imagine the woman had gotten used to after making it millions of times. It wasn’t like she had known the woman that well, but had she been the type to wear a smile like that?
The woman had never smiled much to begin with. Whenever she had smiled, it had been hesitant, like she was afraid her smiling would hurt someone else. That was the impression she had given off.
“Is something the matter, Setora?” the woman asked.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I see. Well, all right then.”
“If there’s something wrong with one of us, it’s with you, isn’t it?” Setora asked.
It wasn’t as if she had mumbled that. She’d said it plain and clear, but the woman didn’t react, as if she didn’t even hear it.
If she was going to ignore Setora, there were better ways of going about it. She had to be pretty bold to be doing it like that.
“It seems to be a town,” Setora said. “Looks like people are living there.”
“I guess so.”
“This time you’re responding, are you?”

“It might be better to say they’re person-like things, though. Just because they look like people, that doesn’t mean they are.”
“...Well, I suppose not.”
“This place’s got its own rules. They’re a little different from the rules we know. No, not just a little, I guess. They’re really different. We’ve learned that here.”
“You’re rather different yourself,” Setora said. “That’s not how you talked before.”
“What do you want to do? Try heading down there?”
“You’re intending to ignore me completely, then. Very well. In that case, I have some ideas of my own.”
“Hey, Setora.” The woman put on that fake smile again.
Setora had a strong urge to tear that mask off, but if she actually did so, what would be the true face that emerged?
“Can we set this aside for now? We’re kind of facing a crisis. Of course, who knows how long it’ll go on for.”
“I just want to know what’s going on with you, that’s all. There’s too much I don’t understand going on as-is.”
“You aren’t going to accept it, and move on?” the woman asked.
“When did I ever say that? I don’t think I ever said it out loud.”
“That was the look on your face.”
“If Haru met you now, I wonder how he’d feel.”
“...Haruhiro, huh?”
“Unlike me, Haru is fond of you,” Setora said. “He feels attached to you, I imagine.”
“I may need to consider the possibility, but is he even still alive? I can’t imagine a volunteer soldier of his level would be able to survive in this—”
The woman closed her mouth, and got a serious expression on her face. No, not a serious expression; it might be more appropriate to call it a lack of expression. But it was for just a moment. The woman quickly plastered that suspicious smile back on her pretty face.
“For now, let’s assume he’s survived. That seems safest.”
“How odd...”
“‘That expression’s not bad.’ I can understand why you’d want to say
that, but... I’m not so sure. Until we get out of our current difficulties, why don’t we cooperate like before? If we can just turn a blind eye to a minor problem, the two of us can get along. You ought to feel the same. That’s why you didn’t say anything before now, right?”
“You don’t care to put on appearance anymore, huh?” Setora asked.
“Because you’re a reasonable sort. The truth is, dealing with stupid brats is a lot of trouble. Not you, though.”
This woman’s identity was still an unknown, but regardless, Setora could sense intuitively that she was a wicked being. Perhaps driven by necessity, that being was revealing her cards. The truth of it wasn’t entirely clear, though.
It was true, at present, that it would be mutually beneficial for them to work together. But if things changed and she became more of a harm than she was worth, this woman might dispose of Setora to silence her.
Naturally, Setora had no intention of going down easily, and she had to make use of the moves she had available to her.
16
“In that case, keep up the act, at least,” Setora said. “You never know when we might run into the others. I have no interest in what’s inside you, but the rest will feel differently.”
“Well, yes, I suppose you’re right.”
“Please don’t make Haru worry, or be sad. He’s the first man I ever loved. It’s not as if I’m completely over him yet.” “I’ll take that to heart,” the woman said.
“Please do.”
Setora was trying to put on the expression and tone of a woman who couldn’t let go of her romantic feelings, doing her best for the man they were for, but she wasn’t sure how well it was working. It wasn’t as if she had none of those feelings, so it shouldn’t have come across as completely insincere.





“Now, then... shall we go?” Setora asked. “To that town?”
Setora riding Kiichi and the woman who was impersonating Merry descended the hill covered in bumps and rifts and headed for the town.
The haze neither thickened nor cleared. The area around the town was just slightly misty. It was bizarre, but not so aberrant she couldn’t accept it. Things must just have been like this sometimes here.
While jumping over rifts, and diverting around bumps that were sharp like swords, they somehow managed to make it down the hill.
The town seemed to be surrounded by a twisted latticework fence. As they approached, they found it ranged from as tall as a person to three times that, and it was covered all over in a thick ivy with thorns.
It might not have been impossible to scale it if they were willing to be a little reckless, but there had to be an entrance and exit somewhere.
They followed the fence, and there was a gate. No door, and no guards. They were apparently free to enter.
Setora went through the gate and entered the town. It was as hazy as ever. There was no one near the gate, but she could see figures here and there down the street.
“It’s quiet,” Not-Merry said in whisper, glancing over at Setora. “It’s quiet,” she repeated.
She was right. If there were no one around, that would be one thing, but there were people walking around, and it was still as quiet as if she were plugging her ears. Did no one in this town make noise, or talk?
Kiichi, who had more sensitive hearing than a human, wasn’t moving his ears at all. That meant he wasn’t hearing anything, either.
“Let’s take a look for now,” Setora said.
She and the others continued straight down the road.
Haze. Figures in the distance. Haze. Figures in the distance. Haze...
Figures in the distance. Haze. Figures in the distance. Haze. Figures in the distance. Haze...
“Hm...” Not-Merry groaned before shrugging her shoulders. “We aren’t passing anyone.”
“It would seem they’re avoiding us.”
“I hadn’t expected to be welcomed... but still.” “Why don’t you try pretending a little harder?”
“Copy that,” Not-Merry said in a foreign language.
“What did you say?”
“Roger.”
“Are you messing with me?”
“Perish the thought.”
“We’re turning back for now—Kiichi.”
Just from hearing his name, Kiichi predicted her commands and did an about-face.
“Can’t we ride double?” Not-Merry grumbled as she followed along.
“If you were the real one, that might be one thing, but there’s no way I would let someone like you ride on Kiichi.”
“I’m not exactly a fake—but even if I were to explain, I doubt you’d accept it.”
“Explaining means you tell it in a way the other person can understand,” Setora said. “You’re speaking only to hide something, or to dodge the issue. That’s not an explanation.”
“Talking with you is fun,” Not-Merry said. “That’s sincerely how I feel.”
The gate was closed. It wasn’t that a previously nonexistent door had appeared out of nowhere. The thorny ivy had grown thick, intertwining and completely covering the opening of the gate.
“Well, now...” Setora said. “Do you think it doesn’t let people out once they’ve come in?”
“That would be one way that we could interpret it... I think. How’m I doing?”
“Enough. It looks like I’m not going to have time to worry about you.”
Twitch. Twitch. Kiichi’s ears shuddered.
Gurrrr... he growled.
Setora could hear something. Like the wind. But there wasn’t even a slight breeze.
Not-Merry was looking around busily, too.
Setora listened closely.

Wellllll...

...commmme...

Setora cocked her head to the side. “I could be wrong, but... we may be more welcome than we thought.”

Wel...
...come...
...to... our...
...town...

Wel...come...
Hmph. Not-Merry snorted. “In that case, they’re not refusing to let us out, but trying to keep us here.”
Her tone wasn’t far from the original’s. But that was upsetting in and of itself.

If they... follow the rules... everyone can stay... happily... in this town...
Rule... One... Be quiet... Don’t make a fuss...
Rule... Two... Fighting is... bad... Be peaceful... gentle... fun...
Rule... Three... You can’t... leave this... town... ever...
Rule... Four... Imitate... everyone...
If they... Follow the rules... everyone can stay... happily... forever...

Whose voice was this? It could be heard coming from every direction. That, or maybe it was coming from inside their heads.
Not-Merry raised just her left eyebrow. “Looks like leaving is forbidden, after all.”

Rule... One... Be quiet... Don’t make a fuss...

“Keep our mouths shut and don’t talk, is that it?” Setora smirked.
She didn’t know who the speaker was, but they were being awfully pushy. At the very least, Setora could be sure the happy life in this town wasn’t going to suit her very well.
So, what was she going to do about that? She didn’t even have to think about it. She was getting out of town immediately.
Setora gripped Kiichi powerfully with both legs.
That was when it happened.
The ivy wall blocking the gate that she was about to have Kiichi tackle and break through was smashed in from the other side.
“Whuh...?!”
What broke down the ivy wall and came through it was a big disc... no, was that a mirror?
Even here, a massive mirror wasn’t going to be moving around on its own. There was someone carrying it. The corpulent man who was holding it held the mirror aloft, spinning it around, then glared sharply at Setora and Merry.

Chapter end