18 1

Oh, and there’s more,” Yume continued, snapping her fingers. “He’s got a real refreshin’ smile. You see it, and you feel ripe as grain!”
“How’s he make you feel right as rain?!” Ranta shouted instantly, impressing Haruhiro.
“You picked up on that one fast...” “Yeah,” Kuzaku agreed.
“Ripe as... What was it? Grain? Whatever she said just now. You instantly knew she meant ‘right as rain...’”
Yume pressed a finger to her lips and cocked her head to the side. “Fwuh?”
“I-It’s not that hard, man!” The masked man stamped his feet indignantly. “You just haven’t trained enough! Train, man, train! Train like mad! What are you training at...? Hell if I know!”
Haruhiro caught himself having a little fun teasing Ranta, and wasn’t sure how to feel about it. This wasn’t the time to play around. But the trouble was, no matter how hard he thought about it, no matter how much he racked his brain, would he ever find a solution to their problems? He couldn’t stay on edge twenty-four seven. And he was fortunate to be with comrades he could let his guard down with. He had to blow off steam like this when the opportunity arose, buckle down when he had to, and wait for a way out of the situation to present itself.
Haruhiro found himself glancing at Merry. Not like he was looking to her for agreement. It was just, she was being awfully quiet, unlike the others, so he was a little concerned. No, not a little, a lot.
Merry was staring into space all alone.
She was clearly not seeing Haruhiro and the others. Her eyes were turned upward a little, and off to the side. Her lips were drawn taut. Was she gritting her teeth? Her jaw looked tense.
He hesitated to ask, You okay? Maybe it was a bit much to think this based on the evidence, but something seemed off about her.
“The Forbidden Tower, huh?”
Was it Merry who’d said that?
It seemed like it. But the voice was awfully low for her.
Haruhiro gulped. His mouth felt dry. There was something weird with his throat too. “Merry...what’d you say, just now?” Merry turned and looked at Haruhiro.
It was strange, frankly. Nothing felt right about it. The way Merry was looking at Haruhiro. It was like she wasn’t seeing him at all, and that hurt. Merry had suddenly become a total stranger. That’s how it seemed to him. Or perhaps Merry didn’t know who Haruhiro was? If it wasn’t something like that, she wouldn’t be looking at him the way she was.
“Is there a way inside the Forbidden Tower?”
Was Merry asking Haruhiro that?
 
 

“Huh? Uh...”
But Haruhiro had no answer. Merry should have known that. Or did she not know now? Did she even care?
“The Forbidden Tower, huh?” Merry repeated again, then suddenly started walking.
Ranta shifted his mask aside to shoot Haruhiro a dubious glance. What’s with her? Is something up? he seemed to be asking, but that was what Haruhiro wanted to know.
Kuzaku glanced at Merry’s back. Then he looked at Haruhiro. “Something up...?”
I’m telling you, I don’t know. Haruhiro nearly snapped at him. It wouldn’t have been terribly mature, though, so he reconsidered and held it in. He was more uneasy than angry. What was happening with Merry?
“Merry-chan, is somethin’ the matter?” Yume ran after Merry. Haruhiro followed suit. Yume quickly caught up to the priest and started walking next to her. “Merry-chan...?”
When Yume called her name, Merry simply glanced over. That was all. She was just checking what was beside her, not showing any interest in Yume’s existence.
Yume and Kuzaku both looked befuddled. Ranta and Setora were blatantly suspicious. All of them, however, were silent. Everyone, Haruhiro included, was nonplussed.
Merry headed straight for the north gate. It stood open, guarded by soldiers of the Frontier Army. Obviously, they stopped her.
“I’m paying respects to the dead,” Merry told the soldiers without hesitation. “My comrades lie buried on the hill just over there. Once I visit their graves, I’ll come right back.”
The soldiers were confused, but they ultimately let Haruhiro and the others pass. When he saw how easily they let the team go, Haruhiro almost felt disappointed.
A thought crossed his mind. Maybe he was overrating Jin Mogis.
It seemed Mogis hadn’t taken Shihoru captive after all. She was likely in the Forbidden Tower. Had she lost her memories and was now being manipulated by the master of the tower?
He could assume that it was Mogis’s men who’d abducted Shihoru. But after that, she’d been handed over to the master of the tower, and was no longer in Mogis’s custody. That meant Haruhiro and the team had no reason to obey Mogis.
It wasn’t a good idea to actually take Mogis on since he possessed a powerful relic. They ought to just ignore him and desert the Frontier Army. They’d bust Yume’s master Itsukushima out of jail first, then flee with him. The situation was complicated, with the goals of many different factions in play, but Haruhiro and the rest didn’t care. They could act independently for their own benefit. That was simplest, and didn’t seem like a bad idea.
Merry began climbing the hill. She’d said something to the guards about visiting graves, but she seemed to have no intention of doing so.
It wasn’t raining, but a thick, unbroken carpet of clouds covered the sky. Something flashed in the distance. Lightning. A few moments later, a low rumble like the rolling of a heavy iron ball followed.
The well-trodden path that led from Alterna to the hill was damp and soft. Merry paid it no mind as she climbed to the top, gazing up at the imposing Forbidden Tower.
Haruhiro looked up at the tower too. Upon careful inspection, something about it seemed unnatural. Was it stonework? It was constructed out of blocks, that much was certain. But were they stone? Their size, shape, and texture were too uniform for that. Maybe these blocks weren’t quarried from rock. Were they something like concrete, then? Or perhaps, despite their lack of luster, they might be some kind of metal.
The Forbidden Tower stood taller than Tenboro Tower in Alterna. Unlike the former seat of the margrave, it wasn’t ostentatious, so it didn’t give off the impression of being an impressive building, but it was sturdy.
Tenboro Tower seemed like something you could build if you assembled a large amount of manpower, knowledge, and tools. But what about the Forbidden Tower? It didn’t feel like something people had constructed. It would have been more believable if someone said that it had always just been there.
“This is a relic,” Merry said. Haruhiro was surprised, of course.
A relic. That’s it, thought Haruhiro. The Forbidden Tower’s a massive relic. But...why? Why did Merry say that?
Haruhiro should have asked her. There was definitely something wrong with Merry. Even so, no matter how you looked at her, Merry was still Merry. Nobody else. She’d been with them through thick and thin, both before and after they’d lost their memories. A precious comrade, worthy of their trust. If he had doubts, he could ask Merry about them. It shouldn’t have been hard, so why? Why were not just Haruhiro but Yume, Kuzaku, and Ranta all so silent?
Thunder rumbled once more in the distance.
Ice cold rain struck Haruhiro’s cheek.
“Who are you?” Setora asked, breaking the silence.
It was probably the right question, one that cut to the heart of the matter. Which is why Haruhiro couldn’t have asked it. He was sure it shouldn’t have been asked.
Why not, though? Merry was unquestionably Merry, yet for some reason she seemed not to be. In the unlikely event that Merry wasn’t Merry, then who was she? Wasn’t that exactly what Haruhiro wanted to know?
Was he scared? Haruhiro might have been.
Obviously, he sensed something was wrong.
Yume and Ranta had been off doing their own thing, but Haruhiro, Shihoru, Kuzaku, Merry, and Setora had all passed through another world together. And while he didn’t know what had happened there, they had eventually come back to Grimgar. Something was done to them in the Forbidden Tower to steal their memories, leaving Haruhiro, Shihoru, Kuzaku, and Setora with no recollection of anything beyond their own names.
Merry was the sole exception. She was fuzzy on what had happened in the other world, seeming to barely remember it, but her other memories were intact. What did that mean? Merry herself claimed not to know. Whether it was the work of a relic or something else, it was baffling that she had lost only some of her memories. Was it just chance that it was only partial for her? It didn’t seem completely impossible.
But that wasn’t the only issue. There was more than just her memories to consider.
Merry had used magic.
Magic Missile.
Hiyomu had been surprised.
“You’re a priest, but you just used magic,” she’d stammered.
This had been not long after they’d returned to Grimgar without their memories. At the time, it hadn’t meant anything to Haruhiro, but now he understood. Merry became a volunteer soldier as a priest. She’d been one ever since. There was no way she should have been able to use a mage’s spells.
Besides, it felt like Merry had been acting weird back then. She’d seemed to suffer after firing off that Magic Missile.
Merry suddenly gulped, her eyes widening. Haruhiro understood. He sensed it keenly. It wasn’t a subtle change. Even when they’re just standing around, people have distinctive habits. Things like tending to rest their weight on one leg, or hold one of their shoulders higher. She had changed completely. What had changed, and to what degree? That was hard to explain. But it undoubtedly had. It was significant enough that he could be certain of it. “Merry...?” Haruhiro’s voice was shrill, cracking.
Merry looked at Haruhiro. Then blinked. She was staring at him like she didn’t understand the situation she was in. Haruhiro could predict what would come next. She’d try to act like everything was normal.
And she did. Merry quickly looked around, probably figuring out where she was.
“Uh... What?”
It sounded like a, Sorry, I was a little out of it for a moment there, kind of response. If Haruhiro were to ask her, What’s wrong? that was surely what she would have said in response.
Huh. Uh, okay. Well, it happens. It does...sometimes. It does. It does.
I can’t say for sure it doesn’t—or I shouldn’t be able to.
Haruhiro was forcefully trying to convince himself. There was something like a well in front of him. When he looked into it, he couldn’t see the water. Instead, he sensed something he couldn’t identify down there. Was it really a well at all? Rather than checking, Haruhiro wanted to put a lid over it. If he blocked it off, it wouldn’t look like anything more than a covered well. It might still be something else, but its true nature would remain a mystery. He didn’t have to know.
“Don’t you ‘what’ me.” Setora’s voice was level. She was more or less calm. Still, she was showing far too little emotion. Maybe she was shaken up in her own way, and was trying to hide it.
“You were a totally different person a moment ago. Why do you think we’re here? It was you, Merry. You brought us out here. More precisely, you started walking to this tower on your own. We came after you.”
“Uh, S-Setora-san, hold on, you could have said that differently. Maybe to sound a little less accusatory...?” Kuzaku said, trying to mediate with Setora.
“Accusatory?” Setora narrowed her eyes a little. “That is not my intention in the slightest. I just want to make things clear. Was Merry always like this, or has something changed from before? I can’t tell. Because I don’t remember, and was never a volunteer soldier to begin with. I can’t have known any of you all that long. How about you, Yume?”
“Fwhuh?!” Yume let out a weird noise.
Setora looked closely at her. “You haven’t lost your memory, and you didn’t leave the party like Ranta.”
“Y-Yeah... That’s true and all, but...”
“In your eyes, has Merry changed?”
“She’s... Erm... Well... Hrmm...” Yume looked down and clutched her head. “She’s changed... Maybe? Has she? Uhhh. Yeah...”
It was unbearable to watch. But if he averted his eyes from the struggling Yume, where exactly was he supposed to point them? What should he be looking at?
Ranta removed his mask and looked up at the Forbidden Tower. The freezing raindrops lashed him, one after another, leaving his face soaked in no time.
“Yume,” Ranta said in a low voice, uncharacteristic of him. “You’ve told me all sorts of stuff that happened while I was gone. But there are things you haven’t told me, aren’t there?”
Yume glared at Ranta. Her eyes were accusatory. “Well, Ranta... That’s your fault for leavin’, now isn’t it? You’re the bad one here, okay? Maybe bad’s the wrong word, but still, if you were with us then, Merry-chan wouldn’t’ve—”
“The hell...?” Ranta wiped his face before looking at Yume again. “What...happened to Merry?”
“M-Merry-chan...”
Yume clutched her left shoulder with her right hand. Her other hand was already clutching her side too.
“M-Merry-chan, she d-d-d—”
Yume kept stammering. What was she trying to say? The word was stuck in her throat, refusing to come out.
Died.
Died?
“Ahhh...!”
He remembered now.
What he’d seen then. The sounds. The smell. It all welled up inside Haruhiro.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!”
There was a large gorilla-like creature covered in a hard dark-brown carapace standing over Merry. He tried to do something about it. He didn’t have the strength.
But he had to save Merry. Had to hurry. Quickly.
Merry could only open her eyes half-way. She was trembling. Quivering. She coughed. Blood came out.
“Magic,” Haruhiro called out to her. “Merry, use magic. You have to heal. Hurry. Merry.”
Right. Merry was the priest. The only one here who could heal wounds. The only one. Merry had to know that too. That was why she was trying to raise her hand, her right hand. She had to make the sign of the hexagram. But her arm wouldn’t rise.
It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’ll help you.
He took Merry’s hand, trying to assist. Merry groaned. She shook her head.
It hurt. It hurt too much for her to bear.
“Merry? Merry?!” he cried. “Wha... Wh-What should I...?”
Something. Merry was trying to say something. Haruhiro brought his ear to Merry’s lips.
“Merry? What? Merry, what are you saying?!”
I can’t hear you, Merry. Your voice is weak. Too weak.
“Ha.”
“Yeah. What?”
“...Haru.”
“Huh?”
“I...”
“Yeah?”
“Haru...you’re the one...I...”
“The one you what? What is it, Merry...?”
“...!”
Merry was trying to say something. To communicate something. But maybe she couldn’t say it? Could she not force herself to speak any longer?
He moved his face away a little. Looked at Merry. When their eyes met, she smiled.
I don’t get it. Why? Aren’t you in pain? Aren’t you suffering? You’re scaring me.
Why are you smiling, Merry?
There was no response. And there never would be one. In that moment, he realized it. Clearly.
Her pupils were dilated, unfocused. Merry wasn’t seeing anything. She probably couldn’t hear either. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t feel.
I’m the one you what? Tell me, Merry.
Oh, he remembered now.
Merry had died once before.



4. Why Do We Repeat Ourselves?
“Hey, Haruhiro!”
The next thing he knew, Ranta was grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him.
“Haruhiro! Haruhiro! Why’re you acting like there’s something wrong with you now too, man?!”
There’s nothing wrong with me. Haruhiro shook his head. Nothing’s gone wrong with me. That’s not it.
You’re wrong.
If anything, there was something wrong with me until just this moment.
Why had he forgotten? That was a mystery to him. There was no way he should’ve been able to forget something like this. In fact, Haruhiro remembered everything. He’d never lost his memories at all. They’d been right there inside Haruhiro’s head all along. If they hadn’t, he couldn’t have just remembered them.
“Haruhirooo!”
“Oh, shut up!” Haruhiro shoved Ranta away.
You’re giving me a headache. You’re too stubborn, man. What the hell? Damn it.
Calm down, Haruhiro told himself. Cool your head.
As if I could calm down, he thought.
It wasn’t just Ranta. Kuzaku, Setora, Yume, and even Merry were all looking at Haruhiro dubiously.
“Hold on...”
Don’t look at me like that.
I’ve been messed up all this time, but I’m finally back to normal. Or at least, I feel like I can finally get back to normal, but you guys are gonna make me go crazy all over again.
“Could you give me a moment...? I need to sort through some things. Just for a bit...”
Haruhiro started walking. He didn’t have anywhere to go. He just didn’t want to be here. This was too close to the Forbidden Tower.
It had all started in this tower.
He’d heard someone’s voice.
“Awaken.”
He remembered that clearly. It was a dark place. Under the Forbidden Tower. Ranta was there, and Yume, and Shihoru. Renji. Ron. Adachi. Sassa. Chibi-chan. And Kikkawa. Then there was Moguzo. Manato too.
His feet led him there without him even thinking about it. Haruhiro came to a stop in front of the off-white stone that marked his comrade’s grave.
“Moguzo...”
Haruhiro reached out toward the gravestone. He wasn’t hoping that if he touched it something might happen. Nothing did. It was just an off-white rock. Nothing but a cold, wet stone.
Haruhiro remembered. Renji and his team had helped them carry Moguzo to the crematorium on the outskirts of the city. Moguzo, always bigger and kinder than anyone else, had turned to bone and ash. They had buried him themselves under this very stone.
Manato’s grave had been within sight of Moguzo’s. Right. It was over there.
Haruhiro walked across the sloping grass. The others followed. He noticed that. But Haruhiro didn’t turn around. What was Merry doing? Was she following him like the rest? He wondered about that. If he cared so much, he should have just checked. It was so simple, and yet he couldn’t do it.
“Oh, yeah...” Haruhiro crouched down in front of Manato’s grave. “That’s right, isn’t it, Manato...?”
When they’d left the Forbidden Tower, the wall had risen up behind them, sealing off the entrance. There had been a lever of some sort inside. That lever. That was what opened and closed the door.
 
 

The moon.
After leaving the tower, he’d seen the moon.
A red moon is just weird.
He remembered thinking that.
He didn’t remember anything that happened before he awoke in the basement of the Forbidden Tower. But he felt like, if he just had some kind of lead, he could. It didn’t have to be anything big, just something to start from, and it might be surprisingly easy to recall the rest from there.
The parents he must have had, for instance. His family. Or maybe a friend.
If he could meet someone he used to know again, it might suddenly jog his memories. It didn’t even have to be a person. Maybe a tool he’d used regularly.
Regardless, there was one thing he was absolutely sure of.
He hadn’t always been here.
“Awaken.”
Before he heard that voice and awakened, Haruhiro had been somewhere else.
Not Grimgar.
The moon probably wasn’t red there. What color was it? That, I don’t know. But it wasn’t red. A red moon is just weird.
Haruhiro had gone from Grimgar to other worlds. Through the
Wonder Hole to the Dusk Realm. Then through the gremlins’ flats to Darunggar. From there he’d gone through the passage on the fire dragon’s mountain and returned to Grimgar once more at Thousand Valley, where he’d met Setora and parted company with Ranta. Then there was Parano. They’d entered the Leslie Camp, and as a result were forced to spend a long time in that mind-bending other world.
Grimgar.
The Dusk Realm.
Darunggar.
Parano.
There had to be other worlds in addition to these. Many worlds. Countless, perhaps.
Haruhiro had come to Grimgar from one of them. “I need to sort through all this... I’m confused, Manato...” When he closed his eyes he could see Manato’s face.
Haruhiro’s memories were still a mess, all jumbled out of order. It had been a long time since Manato died—since Haruhiro got him killed.
I let him die.
It was the same with Merry. Haruhiro had basically let her die. He was the leader, so it was his responsibility.
Ranta had left the party in Thousand Valley. Haruhiro and the others had been traveling east through the southwestern portion of the Kuaron Mountains to avoid wyverns. They were attacked by a colony of guorellas in the mountains, and came across a village as they fled. The villagers weren’t human. They were gumows, a mix between orcs and either humans or elves.
No, there was one human.
Jessie. He had blond hair and blue eyes, and said he was a former hunter.
Right. A hunter. When he learned Yume was a hunter, Jessie revealed he had been one too.
Itsukushima. Yume’s father. The guy currently imprisoned in the basement of Tenboro Tower. Haruhiro remembered Jessie saying his name. He’d asked Yume, “Are you Itsukushima’s apprentice?” Jessie was a hunter.
But he could use magic too.
That wasn’t a contradiction. It wouldn’t be strange if an ex-hunter became a mage.
Jessie Land.
That was the place where Merry died. She was completely bereft of life. And yet, Jessie said there was a way.
“She can come back to life, like me, who already died once.”
“But there is a price to pay.”
“She’ll be coming back in my place.”
“You people aren’t stupid, so you understand, right?”
“This isn’t normal.”
“It’s common sense that people can’t come back to life, and that’s a fact.”
Haruhiro dropped to his knees. If he didn’t put his hands on his thighs for support, he was going to fall over.
Jessie was a mystery, and not a man to be trusted. But it hadn’t seemed like he was trying to deceive them.
Manato and Moguzo had taught them something. People die. Lives can be lost. Every life ends in death.
That was why, as Jessie had explained it, Merry’s revival was a special occurrence, and it came with unique conditions. It was no miracle. Like with a magician’s tricks, no matter how mysterious it seemed, there was a proper explanation behind it. But Jessie said he couldn’t spoil the trick. Merry would come back to life in his place. He couldn’t tell them any more than that.
Haruhiro and the party had the right to choose.
No, Haruhiro did.
Haruhiro had made the call himself, without consulting anyone.
He couldn’t bear it. Merry, becoming no more than a memory, like Manato or Moguzo. The pain he’d feel as he looked back on the time they’d spent together. He didn’t want that. This was no joke. Of course he didn’t want it. If he’d had the option, Haruhiro would have made the same choice for Manato or Moguzo. If he could get away with not having to accept the death of someone close to him, accept losing them forever, nothing could be better.
No matter how repulsive the act, it was better than having to bury Merry. He’d learned that well enough the first time. And yet, he’d been unable to avoid going through it twice. He didn’t want to feel that way a third time. He’d had enough.
But what was that? What did Jessie do?
The wound in Merry’s shoulder had been pretty deep. Jessie had slit his own left wrist and pressed it against Merry’s injury. He’d stayed like that for a long time. Eventually, all that was left of Jessie was a husk of skin, no bones. As if Jessie had poured everything that had been inside him into Merry.
When Merry woke, some foul-smelling liquid, not blood but something else, gushed from her mouth, nose, and ears.
If the same amount came out as went in, then the volume was unchanged.

Chapter end