chap 13+11

For one thing, it wasn’t like Alice to tell long-winded stories. Was Alice the one talking? Was it something else?
No, Alice was talkative. He was starting to get that feeling. It wasn’t like he knew Alice all that well to begin with. It’d be fair to say he knew practically nothing. Wasn’t it messed up for him to say what was or wasn’t like Alice?
Seriously, it’s messed up.
Everything here is.
Including me.
As they got closer to the town, the haze cleared. They weren’t on sandy ground anymore. The ground was dirt. When had that happened? He hadn’t noticed the transition at all.
There were grass and trees growing. The bark was brown, and the leaves were green. He thought these were normal plants, but when he stepped on them, they blew to pieces, leaving no trace in no time. They were like hallucinations. That, or illusions.
The buildings were fairly tall. Like giant stone pillars. There were rectangular holes lined up systematically across their surface. They had windows, but the windows lacked glass panes, or even wooden shutters, so they looked like some sort of nests, too.
The buildings had no doubt all stood upright at one point. But now, some had collapsed, while others were leaning.
Because he had been vacantly staring up at the buildings, Alice’s figure seemed far away. He quickened his pace to catch up.
“Um, what is this place?”
“Ruins No. 6,” she said. “Before it came to be called that, it was a town called Asoka, I hear.”
“Asoka...”
“That’s just a thing I heard, though.”
“Are there... people here? Erm... Other than you, I mean.” “No one sane,” Alice said with a little laugh.
“That includes you, I suppose? Princess.” It was a husky, male voice. Not Alice’s.
Looking up, someone was leaning out of a window on what was probably the third floor of a building on their left. He wore a mass green cloak, along with boots. From the look of him, he was a human man. He had longish, wavy black hair, and a short beard.
“...Ahiru.” Alice glared at the man, lowering the shovel from their shoulder. It looked ready to peel again, like when Alice had killed the dazzler.
The man cocked his head to the side, then smirked. “Don’t make such a scary face, princess.”
“Then don’t call me that.”
“But you are a princess, aren’t you?”
“You want to die, Ahiru?”
“I don’t, which is why I won’t fight you straight-up.”
“Don’t hang around me.”
“Then go back to the king,” Ahiru said. “You do that, and I’ll never show up in front of you again. I swear.”
“There’s no way I’ll go back.”
“The king is mad. If you won’t go back, there’ll be trouble.”
“Not for me, there won’t.”
“For me, there will.”
“Yonaki Uguisu, huh?”
The moment Alice said those words, Ahiru’s right leg started to tremble. His knee was going up and down, as if keeping a rhythm. Though he wore a slight smile, he was shaken up inside, or infuriated maybe.
Alice stabbed the shovel into the ground twice, then three times. “How brave of you, Ahiru.”
The wind blew. Even with a mask on, it tasted a little sweet.
Ahiru pressed his sleeve to his mouth. “That guy,” he said, looking at Haruhiro. “He’s new, isn’t he? What are you planning to do, princess? Boil him and eat him? Or bake him and eat him?”
“I’m not a dream monster. I don’t eat humans.”
“If you eat humans, you can steal their ego and build it up fast. You wanna get stronger, don’t you, princess? If you do, eat that guy.”
“Shut up, Ahiru. I’ll seriously kill you.”
“I’ll be back, princess.” Leaving them with those words, Ahiru vanished inside the window.
There were no entrances or exits to the building other than windows. Alice tried heading towards the building where Ahiru presumably was, but soon came to a stop, head cocked to the side.
Haruhiro sensed something was off, too. It was not so much a sound, as a vibration. The ground was shaking.
Haruhiro turned back. There was a building almost directly opposite from the one Ahiru was in. It was heavily damaged, with cracks throughout it like a spider’s web, and it looked like it might be leaning their way a bit, too.
Not long after there was the snapping sound of something hard breaking, a scraping sound, and a terrifying low rumbling from the earth shaking. Could it be— It’s not the ground?
The shaking, was it from that building?
“Run!” Alice took off running before the word was finished.
Haruhiro ran, too.
The building quickly came down behind them. He didn’t turn back to check. The sound, the impact, and the cloud of dust were so incredible, there was no need to check and see. He didn’t have time, either.
It wasn’t just that building. This place, Ruins No. 6, had tens of buildings, possibly more. There was nothing but buildings up ahead, too. Alice and Haruhiro were moving down a road between the buildings. It might not have been all of them, but they were collapsing here and there.
“Damn you, Ahiru!” Alice shouted.
Alice didn’t go straight, but turned right and left. It was less that they had some plan in mind, and more they were changing direction each time they spotted a dangerous building.
“Alice...!” Haruhiro shouted.
“You’re so annoying! Shut up and follow me!”
Of course, he had no choice but to do that. Haruhiro didn’t know this place. He could get out of Ruins No. 6 if he turned back the way they’d come, but that road was no doubt blocked by the rubble of the first building that fell. He had no idea which way was the right way to go.
The moment they turned right, the building in front of them started coming down like it had been liquefied. When they turned left and continued that direction for a little while, two buildings on either side fell over, hitting each other.
As they raced desperately under the falling fragments, he felt like this was all driving him crazy, and it was hard to maintain his sanity.
Somehow he got the feeling that this wasn’t a good mental state to be in.
He was drenched with sweat, but his whole body felt cold, and his stomach felt like it was trying to escape out his mouth. For now, he wanted to be out of here, to escape this situation. How long was this going to last for?
Give me a break, he pleaded.
He wanted this to be over soon. No matter how he wished for that, reality wouldn’t cater to his needs. When things didn’t end, they didn’t end.
But what about here, in Parano?
If he really wanted to end it, there was a way.
A way to end it all right now.
An emergency exit, you could say.
If he couldn’t do anything else, he could just go out it.
Haruhiro could see that emergency exit. No, he couldn’t see it. He just sensed it. It was always behind him, wide open.
To be more precise, it might be more accurate to say it was right in the back of his head. So, even if he turned around, it was still behind him. He couldn’t see it, but it was there. The emergency exit beckoned Haruhiro.
Come, it said. Come to me.
There’s no need to hold back. It’s not good for you.
Leave the rest to me...
Maybe I should? he wondered. All he had to do was hand himself over to it. If he did, he’d be set free from all the fear, and all the hassle.
No.
He knew he couldn’t.
Emergency exits don’t speak. Besides, what does that mean, an emergency exit?
Leaving through a door in the back of his head? It was impossible. It couldn’t be done. But in Parano, those impossible things happened. Besides, this was, yeah, it was an emergency evacuation. What choice did he have?
Haruhiro came to a stop. He was tired, after all. He didn’t want to move anymore.
I think I did a good job.
Did you now?
Yeah, I did well.
Maybe you did.
Isn’t it about time?
“Ahh...”
Spreading his legs, he stretched as wide as he could. He ended up looking upwards.
There was a massive piece of debris, ten times the size of a person, coming down.
“Oh, wow!” He could feel a laugh coming.
It was coming right at him. How could he not laugh? He wondered, should he close his eyes, or should he not? It’d be a shame to miss it, so why not watch until the end?
He reached out, and it was almost there. He could almost touch the debris.
“Hahh...!” Alice rushed back, and provided unwanted assistance. The shovel pointed in his direction peeled, and the black belts of skin pierced the debris, pulverizing it into dust.
The debris rained down like hail. Some of it was fist-sized, so of course he wasn’t unharmed.
“Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow...”
He was hit on the left shoulder, the right arm, and the head by large pieces of debris. Was that why he fell over?
He was on his belly, groaning, when he was forcibly dragged to his feet.
“What the hell are you doing?! Come on!” Alice.
It was Alice again.
“Why can’t you leave me alone?!” Haruhiro wailed.
Even as he whined and complained, he moved his legs which it felt like he could sprain at any moment, and he was running for some reason.
Wasn’t it pointless to run? There were buildings collapsing in every direction. The clouds of dust made visibility poor. He hurt all over, too.
It was obvious without even thinking. They were done for. There was no way out of this. So, yeah. He was evacuating. There was an end to everything. The end would come someday. Why couldn’t it be now?
I’ve had enough, he thought.
He had his regrets. But no lingering attachment.
“Damn that Ahiru! He’s the worst! Haruhiro, come on...!”
His arm was grabbed, and he was pulled along. There was no point in resisting, so he let it happen to him.
Nothing had any meaning.
What was going on?
He wasn’t interested, but Alice hugged him close, that shovel stripped itself again, and a number of those black belts of skin, a very large number, came together to form an umbrella. It reached the ground in an instant, neatly enveloping Alice and Haruhiro.
What was going on outside the umbrella? He could more or less imagine. Probably the buildings all collapsed, and the rubble formed a muddy vortex.
Protected by the umbrella, they were standing in the middle of it.
Dark. It was almost completely dark. But he could see a little.
The shovel. The naked shovel glowed faintly. Because of that, it was slightly bright.
Alice was bent over, holding onto the naked shovel firmly, and hugging Haruhiro. It was almost like they were huddled together, in a tiny tent made for one person.
Was that it? Outside, there was a storm. Not your average violent rainstorm. Well, that was a given, since there wasn’t any wind or rain.
There was grinding and crunching and scratching and banging. The noise was intense. The shovel had to be under a massive amount of pressure from outside. It was bizarre that it didn’t seem to budge one bit under it, but it still felt threatening.
This, when Haruhiro had just been thinking he was fine with it ending here.
“Will it hold?” he asked.
“It’s fine. Who do you think I am?”
Was Alice putting up a strong front? It didn’t look like it.
“I don’t know,” were the words that slipped from Haruhiro’s mouth. “Honestly, I have no clue who or what you are.”
“I’ll bet,” Alice said with a laugh. “I mean, you don’t even know who you are yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, though. Haruhiro. That ass Ahiru was asking why I don’t eat you, but listen. I don’t eat people. I mean, people eating people? That’s just gross. But if I were to eat someone, it wouldn’t be you. Even if I ate you, I’d gain nothing. Your ego is weak. In order to make my magic stronger, I need a strong id, or a strong ego.”
“...Magic? You’re... a mage?”
“In Parano, anyone can use magic. A magic that is theirs alone. My magic... is this.” Alice gripped the naked shovel tight. “It’s Philia.”
He had no idea what that meant. The shovel was magic, or something? Anyway, he’d been calling it the shovel for sake of convenience, but it was obviously not a shovel.
What the hell is that thing? Haruhiro thought to himself. I dunno if it’s called Philia, or what. When it’s naked like that, it’s damn creepy. My ego’s weak? Okay, yeah, if you say that to me, I feel like maybe it is. But so what? Is that wrong?
It’s all a dream. I’m having a bad dream. I felt that way this whole time, and I want it to be true.
But I’m pretty sure this isn’t a dream...
This is the worst.
It’s cruel.
This situation is beyond cruel.
How exactly is it cruel? I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it.
I’m trying not to think things like, “I’m the only one who survived.”
I was doing my best not to think. It’s better not to. I mean, if I think things like that, I’ll fall. I’ll fall all the way, all the way down. And then, in no time—Look.
Here. This is the bottom.
The bottom of a hole that’s deep, so deep that it’s a wonder I can still breathe.
The bottom of hell.
“Haruhiro.”
“...What?”
“Are you crying?”
“Am not.”
“It’s okay.” Alice lightly tapped Haruhiro on the back, as if soothing a child.
What did Alice take him for? Still, it wasn’t unpleasant.
Alice might be right. Even though it was about himself, not anyone else, he didn’t know a thing.
“It’s okay to cry,” Alice said. “I don’t mind. But it’s not okay to drown in tears. Why are you crying? If you’re crying without reason, that’s not good. Don’t think; look at yourself. Don’t avert your eyes. Even if it’s not what you want to see, you have to look.”
“I...”
“You?”
“I’m...”
He covered his face with both hands.
Ahh, this...
This was his face. A face covered with both hands.
He couldn’t see his face.
“There is none,” he mumbled. “No me. It doesn’t exist. I’m not... anywhere. There’s nothing... Nothing to me...”
“You’re here, Haruhiro. You’re here, next to me.”
“But I...”
“It’s okay to take it a little at a time. What is precious to you?”
“Precious...” Kuzaku.
Shihoru. Yume.
Merry.
Setora, too... he was worried about her.
Were Setora and Kiichi one and the same?
Ranta.
Damn it. Stupid Ranta. When you’re not around... somehow, it all feels so bland.
“I don’t like this,” Haruhiro whispered. “Everyone...” Because everyone needs me, I...
Because everyone is there...
I have everyone...
Everyone...
“I’m scared,” he whispered.





Without everyone, I’m...
“I’m so uneasy... I can’t help myself...” he whispered. “My comrades, they’re gone. I don’t know if they’re safe. I want to think they are... but I can’t. I just can’t. It may be no good. This time... this may be it. No way. Am I... all alone now?”
“You have me, don’t you?” Alice asked.
“Oh, yeah. You’re here. You... I can’t tell if you’re kind, or cruel.” “The thing about me is, I can be kind at times, and cruel at others.” At some point, things outside settled.
It was tight inside, and hard to breathe, but warm.
Who and what was Alice C?
 



I have another name, you know. The one my parents gave me. But I’ve always been called Alice.
I was bullied. Not teased a little. Outright bullied.
As for the reason I got called Alice, it’s the fault of the book I was reading. Okay, that’s a bit unfair to say it’s the book’s “fault.” Books can do no wrong. But still, I hated being called Alice.
“Alice!”
“I’m not Alice.”
“Aaaalice!”
“I’m not Alice.”
“Aaaaliiiice!”
“I told you, I’m not Alice!”
“Aliiiice!”
“You don’t give up. Whatever. Say what you want.”
“Then it’s okay, right, Alice?”
“Aaaalice!”
“Aaaaliiiice!”
“Alice!”
“Aliiiice!”
“Alice!”
I remember, just like that, it was like I’d given them permission. Anyone and everyone started calling me Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice.
They hid my stuff. Broke it sometimes, too. They scribbled on my things, and threw stuff at me.
Also, and this one I remember vividly, there was this thing they called the Apology Game. They’d surround me in the park, so I couldn’t move. Then I’d tell them to get out of the way, clear the road, or whatever. They wouldn’t, of course. That would piss me off, so I’d try pushing them aside.
Then they’d make an exaggerated show of falling over, saying it hurt, or they’d broke a bone, or they were bleeding, or some other nonsense.
“Apologize! Apologize!” they’d demand. They wouldn’t let me off until I did.
It wasn’t like they would let me off when I did it, either. I’d be told to say it with more sincerity, or if I was really sorry I should do this, or that. They demanded a lot from me that way.
They outnumbered me, see.
They’d shout at me, too. I would have no choice but to do as they said.
As for what they made me do, I’ll leave that to your imagination.
Well, the things they did, when I remember them, it’s worse than just feeling bile rising in my throat; I want to dash my own head open.
The key point is, they didn’t hold me down to do things to me. I was forced, that’s for sure, but I did it myself. I hate the ones who put me through it, obviously. But I blame myself for meekly obeying, too.
In the end, I have to wonder if maybe it was my own fault for being weak. If I hated it so much, I should have bitten through my own tongue. I should have been able to bite them like I had gone mad, too. I wonder why I didn’t.
The name Alice—to me, it’s a wound.
Not a scar, a wound. One that’s big, always raw, and will never fade.
I hate myself more than I can handle. I hate everything about myself, and more than anything, I can’t forgive myself for being like this.
Or so I was feeling back then, anyway.
I was cursing it all.
The whole world, you see.
It all started when I came to Parano, I guess.
That was when I came to realize that even I, who cursed everything, had things I’d loved, things that were important to me.
For instance, I thought I had detested this face, this body of mine, but despite that, I was always looking in the mirror. Pretty closely, actually.
The truth is, I’d think, Oh, I don’t look too bad from this angle, or, That expression just now, that was pretty nice, as I was looking in the mirror.
If someone said, What’re you staring at that mirror for? back then, I’d’ve denied it. No, I’m not looking! But thinking back now, I was looking.
My looks are unusual, but not ugly, I mean. Not that it’d be bad if they were. The things commonly seen as ugly, like cleft chins, snub noses, thick lips, a big belly, they can be cute if you look at them right.
I hated myself, but there were parts of me I liked.
Or rather, as I was bullied, I started to think it was my own fault, and I began to hate that about myself. You could say that I was forced into hating and detesting myself.
It wasn’t that I hated everything about myself. There were bits that pissed me off, sure, but part I was deeply in love with, too.
Then... I realized. I couldn’t take them teasing me, calling me Alice, Alice, Alice. But I didn’t hate the name itself.
In fact, I now feel like Alice fits me better than the name my parents gave me.
Am I cruel, or kind? The answer is, I’m both.
The people who did those awful things to me, it’s not like they were total scum all the time. They’d feel bad seeing a poor abandoned cat on the brink of death, and help their families and friends when they were in trouble.
There were probably some who, even though they were participating in the Apology Game, were thinking, Whoa, that’s rough. We didn’t have to go this far.
One even had pangs of conscience, and covertly sent me a letter. It was in the mailbox. The sender didn’t write their name, but it was neatly written by hand.
When the bullying was at its worst, I did some pretty nasty stuff myself. Like pulling the wings and legs off bugs. Anytime I would watch them writhe in that state, it made me feel better. When I was done, I’d say, I think it’s about time I put you out of your misery, and then kill them.
I thought about doing the same to larger animals. I never did, though. Not because I’d have felt bad for them. It just felt like it would be a lot of hassle, so I didn’t. If it had been easy, I think I would have. It might’ve escalated from there, with me ending up a proper serial killer one day.
Naturally, if I hadn’t been bullied for so long, I don’t think it’d have ever occurred to me to do things like that. Even so, I can’t say I’m not a cruel person.
To give an example, imagine a game where several people, including yourself, are locked in a closed room, and only one can emerge alive.
What would you do in that situation?
Would you kill the others, and survive yourself?
Or would you let yourself be killed, because murder is wrong?
Would you commit suicide?
There’s some merit in the argument that the situation proposed is too extreme, and it’s inappropriate to try and glean anything about the nature of you, as a person, from it.
But anything can happen. It’s not a completely impossible situation. You’re in Parano, too, so you understand, right?
I don’t know how or where you came to Parano from, but I was at a school by the seaside. There was a cave in a cliff along the shore, and people were talking about exploring it.
Around that time, I was using the strategies I’d learned for dealing with bullying, and I was getting by reasonably well thanks to a number of coincidences. It felt like if I screwed up, I’d be right back where I was before, though.
I had a number of friends, and one of them invited me to go with them, so I had no real reason to refuse.
Into the pitch black cave we went, progressing deeper and deeper.
At some point along the way, it was like there was gas. Our vision got worse, and I remember feeling like it was bad news. But all I can say is, the next thing I knew, I was here.
We had carelessly wandered into Parano.
It was beyond unexpected. That something so ridiculous could happen, I mean.
If a person kills other people because some situation has left them no other choice, that’s a person who is capable of killing. If that opportunity had never come along, they might have gone their whole lives without killing anyone, though.
Me, I can kill.
If the need arises, I’ll kill anyone, and anything, with my own hands. No regrets. I mean, if I had to do it, I had to do it.
But I do at least have emotions.
Back then, a star fell. Based on my experience, I figured someone had come to Parano, so I went to check. That’s how I found you. I couldn’t leave you alone, so I saved you.
You’re not my friend, or anything else to me. You, personally, are nothing special. But there’s no one sane in Parano, so I get nostalgic sometimes.
When I see a decent person like you, doing nothing but care for others while being empty yourself, gradually becoming only the you who is reflected in the eyes of others, like some sort of flimsy mirror person, it makes me want to talk so badly.
Well, that’s all, though, really.
I’ve already accomplished my objective, so I’m pretty satisfied.
I might abandon you like you’re nothing. But, like I said, I can be kind sometimes. When I’m nice to others like this, it feels good. But I may get sick of it eventually.
That, or change my mind, and decide I want to eat you. I don’t have any plans for it yet, but I might take advantage of you somehow. Or trick you. When the time comes, I’ll say so.
If you tell the person you’re about to trick that you’re going to trick them, they won’t fall for it, you say?
You idiot. Those times, I’ll tell you when I’ve already done it.
By the way, what do you want to do?
What do you want me to do for you?
 




How long had they been buried alive? It was pointless to think about it. Time held no meaning in Parano. Even if he’d had a mechanical watch, it would probably have stopped, started, turned clockwise, turned counterclockwise, and been utterly useless.
Alice C had used the magic shovel to dig a passage to the surface, making it easy to escape.
Once they were out, Ruins No. 6 had been reduced to a pile of rubble. Very few buildings remained—six of them to be exact—and they were all half-destroyed, or buried in the rubble.
“Looks like that’s the end of my hideout,” Alice said. “Damn Ahiru. Next time we meet, he’s dead.”
“This was all Ahiru’s doing?” Haruhiro asked.
“I told you. In Parano, anyone can use magic. Ahiru’s magic is the same type as mine.”
“Philia? Or whatever it was called?”
“Yeah,” Alice’s eyes narrowed, and there was a laugh.
Haruhiro still hadn’t seen Alice without the mask. What sort of face did that person have?
“Magic in Parano can be widely broken up into three types... no, make that four types. But I’ve never seen the fourth. There’s philia, narci, and doppel. Magic generally falls into one of these three types.”
Alice went on to explain what those meant.
Philia was love. Love used curses to imbue a specific object, like a commonly used item, or a weapon used to protect oneself, with power. These were called fetishes.
“The source of philia is the fetish,” Alice said lifting the shovel. “The charmed item makes the holder stronger, giving them magic. If they lose hold of the fetish, the owner weakens, becoming unable to use magic. I’ve killed dream monsters with this. It seemed weird to go spelunking empty-handed, so we figured we should bring some tools. I was holding it. Not by coincidence. I don’t know why, but I wanted to carry it. I said I would, and I was allowed to. Maybe I had a premonition or something. In the end, it saved me.”

Chapter end