Lemon Incest c7

When the Cablis I ordered arrived, I waited until both our glasses had been filled before raising my glass, “well then…let’s do a toast.”

“To us.”

I nodded, and we clinked glasses.

Since I grew up as an only child, to be honest, I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like to have a brother. To have someone who I lived with since I could remember who was similar to me in age and not only that but who was related to me… I couldn’t imagine what that would have been like.

The relationship must be so that the two people would know each other inside and out. They would fight for food, poke jabs at each other, and at times be verbally abusive to the other. They would show each other tears and words of embarrassment that they would never show or say to others, and those things would just melt into the fabric of everyday life as they grew up alongside each other. How to suck up to their parents, how to deceive their parents, the pathetic face they would show when they are sick, their mannerisms, their habits, their characteristics… they would know down to every last detail.

If the wheel of fate had been slightly different, then that may have been very well how we might have ended up. It may be that if circumstances were different, I might have been living my days sharing days like that with him.

“What are you thinking about?” asked Shougo, who was leaning over his plate eating a spare rib.

“A scene with lovers having dinner while gazing at the night view?”

“Then what was it?”

I couldn’t possibly tell him that I had been thinking of a scene of an older sister who was spitting out a stream of abuse towards her younger brother who was clad only in underwear. I must have had a slightly annoyed expression on my face because he stopped pressing for the answer.

“I don’t like talking non-stop. I want to talk only when I want to talk.”

“I guess.”

It felt comfortable to be able just eat in front of a guy that I just met without having to put on airs. I didn’t care if the juice dripped down and fell on the sleeves of my white sweater. I felt happy being able to just concentrate on eating despite being in the company of another person.

“I’d say it’d be more strange to eat something like that in a really dainty manner.”

“I know someone like that too. She was eating an ice cream bar, but any time she ate from it, she would first scrape a chunk off onto a plate before scooping it up with a spoon to eat it.”

“Oh, I saw someone do that once too. I heard it’s because she didn’t want to make any noise when she was eating in front of others. She didn’t use a fork though, she used chopsticks. She wrapped the buckwheat noodles neatly with her chopsticks before eating it. It was a wealthy old woman with caked on make up though.”

“Yeah, but it’s those kind of people who end up taking a big bite out of melons.”

Our eyes met as we laughed.

“Well then, I guess it’s about time I started drilling you with questions then.”

“What’s that?”

“Feel free to ask me anything. What do you want to know?”

“I told you, didn’t I? There’s no need to rush. Well then, putting that aside for now, it’s my turn first to ask the questions, okay? You’re enrolled in the lit department at university, right? What’s your major? I realized I had forgotten to ask you before.”

“Just spit it out. What is it?”

“You’re studying philosophy?”

“I’m not laughing. Why would I? I’m just surprised, that’s all. Huh…is that right? Philosophy…huh? I didn’t see that one coming.”

“Hmm…I don’t know about that. You definitely don’t look like the type to major in philosophy though. Maybe it’s because of the stereotype of students who major in that field have. I mean…there’s pretty much a clear-cut image of the kind of person who’d major in philosophy.”

“Well, they wear a navy blue turtleneck sweater, and a long-sleeved shirt with dirty, wrinkled sleeves. They have a stubble, and always walk around with a constant scowl on their faces with knitted eyebrows. They probably constantly suffer from a stomach ache or something.”

“Why did you decide to major in that?”

“I’d think the more that you study philosophy, the more confused you’d get though.”

“That makes sense. So who’s your favourite philosopher?”

“Nietzsche has a mischievous side?”

To think I’d be talking about Heidegger and Nietzsche with my brother who I’d met for the first time in twenty four years on a rainy winter night as we sat at a table overlooking the night scenery….I wanted to tell him this, but I realized there was a part of me that was still resistant to the thought of referring to him as my “brother.”

“A corporate soldier who majored in philosophy? Talk about leaving a bad taste in my mouth. And at any rate, I’ve never once thought of joining a first rate company– and besides, someone with a background like me wouldn’t even make it to the interviews. I don’t really want to become a professor either though.”

“Because it’s childish.”

“There are a lot of people like that. The way they express themselves is really childish. I guess that does have some sort of charm to it in and of itself, but I have a feeling I wouldn’t be able to fit in.”

Shougo chuckled, “It’s as if I’m being asked by my elementary school teacher what I want to become when I grow up, and when I can’t give a clear answer, the beautiful teacher would get angry and spank me, and I’d burst into tears.”

“I do have this confidence though that I can do anything I set my mind to, since it is the case that I’ve done all sorts of jobs until now. Whether I enter a company and become a business man or whether I enter the underground world, I think I’d be able to survive somehow. I might even be able to pretend I’m gay and work at a gay bar.”

“Well, is it any wonder? We do share the same blood, after all.”

“Pardon?”

When he put it like that, even though I was the one who brought up the idea of asking questions, I had no idea what to ask anymore.

When it came right down to it, those were the only things I wanted to know. It was partly because I knew he hadn’t revealed his true feelings yet on those matters; but that being said, there was a part of me that wondered what would come out of finding out about those things. Even if he told me, I felt that there was really no meaning in it.

“Do you not like men lighting your cigarette?”

“So you don’t like being attended to by men?”

“What do you mean?”

Shougo let out a loud laugh. “I get what you’re saying. When I worked at a host club though, it was kind of a given to do things like this. I got into a habit of doing it so that whenever there’s a woman in the room, I just instinctively light their cigarette, pour their beer, and make whisky and water for them.”

“But if you’re not happy, then there’s no point.”

“This might sound a bit strange, but in this world, there are women that men genuinely want to treat like a Queen and who they want to act like so, and there are also those who they don’t want to treat like Queens. Ninety nine out of a hundred women belong to the latter category. In our hearts, even though we think how stupid they are, we just do them a favour by treating them like Queens; but you’re not like that. Yeah, you might just be the first woman I’ve met that I’ve felt like that towards.”

“It fits you, Mio-san.”

“I’m just a selfish, impulsive person. Misao-chan’s always on my case over it. I can’t deny that it’s the truth though, so I can’t really say so otherwise.”

Misao-chan’s a fabulous cook. She‘s also skilful. As for me, I’m completely hopeless in the kitchen— all I can do is eat what someone else has prepared for me. I couldn’t care less about things like my health and nutrition; I’m not even really fixated on eating. I could go a day with only coffee and cigarettes. Misao-chan, however, cooks her own meals. Not only that but she always gives it her all. She realized her dream of becoming a lawyer, but as for me, I couldn’t even bother to have a dream to strive towards.

Shougo listened intently to me talking about her.

“That’s right. Is it strange?”

“I’ve never once thought of her as my aunt. She was always ‘Misao-chan’ to me– ever since I was a child.”

“Hmm…I have a feeling that she’s not really like an older sister figure to me either. I couldn’t really say for certain though since I’ve never had siblings.”

“Perhaps,” I said then turned to face him. “This is such an odd conversation we’re having, isn’t it? The ‘mother’ that you’re referring to is your mother too, and Misao Honda is your aunt too.”

“I guess you’re right,” I agreed.

When my glass had emptied, Shougo immediately refilled it.

“Thank you,” I said in a whisper. “You’re welcome,” he replied.

“What is it?”

“Whoa,” he exclaimed as his eyes rounded. “Ever since your mother died?”

“I had no idea. Honda-san…. Well, Misao-san, never once mentioned anything like that to me.”

“So you didn’t really mind that your father was involved with someone who was the sister of your mother?”

Despite having so many things that we shared, there was a part of me that felt uncertain about things if I didn’t confirm those shared things in words. There was nothing I could do about the forced nature of it.

“What do you mean?”

“I can understand that.”

“Well, it’s because it’s the same for me,” I answered and thinned my lips into a smile. “I’ve been told ‘here, this is your younger brother. Here, this man here is your biological brother.’ I was told this out of the blue, and I said ‘oh, is that right…’ But if you think about it, I’d feel messed up too, don’t you think?”

“I’ve never even thought about whether I wanted one or not before.”

“Why do you say so?”

“If I’m not your sister, then who am I?”

“Well then, if you’ve run out of questions, I’m going to go back to eating,” he said this and began to start moving his fork again and eating with gusto. The thin sausages simmered in red wine were ripped in half by his straight white teeth with a dry snap.

I couldn’t help but think the more I talked with him, the more I wanted to know. It was similar to the feeling I had of wanting to see him the more I saw him.

It was similar to the feeling of happiness that creeps up on you when you sit outside on the veranda in the middle of summer as fireworks are lit outside.

Even though you know that that joy would only be short-lived, you couldn’t help but relish the feeling that washes over you in that fleeting moment…. The pure blissful loneliness you feel at knowing it couldn’t last forever…

“Hey,” I said. The moment I said this, the mini tomato that I had put in my mouth burst, and the sour-sweet juice mixed with my saliva. That sour-sweetness helped me to say clearly what I wanted to say: “I’ll tell you something interesting.”

“I have so much fun hanging out with you.”

“Let’s meet up like this from time to time again, okay?”

“And take me to that bar in Shibuya that you work at, okay?”

“And when Misao-chan’s free, we should all get together.”

“Is it okay if I call you when I want to go out shopping?”

“That’s not what I meant…” I trailed off vaguely.

But I hesitated to say this.

Because of the alcohol, the night scenery outside the window became even more sparkling and it felt as if the lights had multiplied in number.

I wanted to ask him if he wanted to come up for some coffee, but I couldn’t find the courage to bring those words to my lips. I couldn’t help but think that my hesitation was the very same as when I was inviting a complete stranger up to my apartment.

“I had a great time too. I’m sorry to put such an unnecessary expense on you though.”

Without looking back, I turned and walked in the direction of the apartment complex entrance. The rain had settled into light showers, and my breath came out in small white puffs.

It was a phone call from Muda.

“I’m out,” I replied. Even though I had arrived back at my apartment building, I still hadn’t returned to my apartment yet, so it wasn’t a complete lie.

“Did you drink too much?”

“That’s what you get for going on a secret rendezvous behind my back.”

“It’d be nice though if I could stop by… if only just for a bit. I won’t stay long.”

“As I listened to the sound of the rain falling, I just got this urge to see you. That’s all.”

I realized what a direct way I said this in, but at the same time, I felt a strange sort of lonely satisfaction from saying it. When it came right down to it, what my relationship with him was based on was sexual and nothing more.

I knew the reality of the situation. Not for one second did I ever forget. Even though I had the money that my father left for me, I knew that the reason why I was able live this way and continue to have such a freewheeling part-time job lifestyle was because of Muda. It was because of my sexual relationship with him that the person who I am now exists.

There was no hostility in his tone. Rather, it was as if he was enjoying this conversation.

He chuckled in a low laugh and replied, “I’ll pass. I can’t say I’m not disappointed though. Will you come to work tomorrow?”

“Let’s kiss in the kitchen.”

“It’s just that I want you– that’s all.”
He said this as he yawned before hanging up with a quiet click.

Chapter end