Lemon Incest c10

I knew that it wasn’t something that I could figure out the answer to no matter how hard I thought about it, but even then I couldn’t help but think back, and every time I would do so, I couldn’t help but ruminate again and again on the memory in my mind– it was almost as if I was trying to cling onto that memory.

The first year that I spent with my biological brother who had been torn apart from my family just after he was born… it would be a lie to say that there wasn’t a part of me that was conscious of this. But, at the same time, I wondered if I just took advantage of that fact. Maybe from the very beginning, there was a part of me that wanted to embrace him… that wanted to touch him. In that instant the clock struck twelve, it may just be that something in me was unleashed.

I didn’t know why I would keep thinking back to that. I couldn’t count the number of times I had exchanged a brief hug with a man on the sidewalk in the middle of the night. I had even gotten used to exchanging a light kiss afterwards. Those actions meant so little to me that after we had parted ways I wouldn’t even remember what had happened; that’s how insignificant it was to me. It was almost just a way of showing my appreciation.

But with Shougo… when we had embraced, that feeling of cool detachment was missing. Every time I thought back to that scene, I felt a feeling akin to fear.

As soon as I had warned myself though, those feelings would bubble to surface time and time again, and I could no longer deny that I was being increasingly drawn to him as a woman would to a man.

That being said, for a while after, seemingly peaceful days followed.

Whenever I was with him, no matter how mundane our activity was, I felt excited. Our conversations flowed like water, and even the scenery I had seen countless times seemed fresh and new. We would stop by a stationery shop, and even something like picking a ball point pen together made me feel a rush of happiness.

It may be that he was the first person after my father who I felt a close connection with. If I didn’t count Misao, up until now, I hadn’t really met anyone who I would consider to be someone close to me.

I didn’t avoid those topics because I was trying to distance myself from topics that were shrouded in a fine haze. It was because if we reminisced on the past, it would pain me to see so clear what our relationship was really based on.

It was just after the calendar had turned into February that Shougo said, “Now that I think about it, you haven’t taken me to that café that you work at yet, have you?”

He had said “Now that I think about it…” in a nonchalant, offhanded manner, but I immediately sensed that this was something he had been dwelling on since long before.

“Would I only cause you trouble to go there?”

“Because it seems like you don’t really want me to take me there.”

“By your lover?”

As I said this with a forced smile, inside, I felt that the time had finally come. I had more or less opened up to him about the circumstances regarding my relationship with Muda.

“Since when?” He asked. The noise from surrounding tables drowned out his voice, so I turned to him and asked, “Sorry?”

“What are you talking about?”

I exhaled smoke in a crude manner as I said, “I forgot. It goes a long way back. It’s been going on since he started to give me enough money so I didn’t need to worry about my day-to-day expenses, even though I never asked him to do such a thing….”

“Of course. He even has kids. The wife is a sensible woman who doesn’t go around badgering him and asking questions about why her husband would pay a lowly part-timer such an atrociously high salary. It’s because she’s the way she is that I can continue my relationship with him. That’s all there is to it.”

“Why?”

“I told you, didn’t I? I’m just doing it because I need to out of necessity.”

I lifted my eyebrow high and rolled my eyes as I snuffed out my cigarette. “Well if you’re so insistent, do you want to head over there right now? But just so you know, we’re only stopping by, all right? To be honest with you, he’s been really curious about you too. He hasn’t said this to my face but I can sense it. He keeps calling you the ‘good looking brother.’ Every time he talks about you, he adds that nickname. It’s so stupid.”

I sighed and shook my head as a pained smile formed on my lips, “His name’s Muda.”

I couldn’t help but feel how dirty it was to hear that name being pronounced from his lips, and instinctively I grabbed the receipt as I got up from the table. “Let’s go,” I said. “We’ll drop in, say our greetings and have a cup of coffee then leave straight afterwards. That’s okay with you, isn’t it?”

The café that Muda ran that was called “Muda-Tei” was located a few minutes walk from Hiroo station on the second floor of a building that was tucked away from the main road.

Muda was usually the one running the place, but he also had two employees aside from him. One was a forty-something woman named Watanabe, and another was a 30-something single man who had had completed an apprenticeship at a famous French restaurant. His name was Katsumata, and he spent most of his time in the kitchen as he was responsible for the various cakes that the café was famous for.

When I had asked Muda about this, he said he didn’t care if they had a relationship as long as they were willing to work, and I felt the same way. It was partly thanks to them that I could come and go as I please, and Muda, being Muda, could come over to visit me on those nights of passion because he could leave his café in their safe hands. He considered them to be treasures.

When we had sat down at the counter, Watanabe, who was wearing a white silk blouse and black skirt came to greet me with a smile. “Well isn’t this a surprise. Mio, is this your friend?”

“He just stepped out saying he needed to go to the bank, but he should be right back. As you can see, it’s pretty much dead tonight. I guess it must be because of the weather, being as cold as it is. Would you like me to pour you some coffee?”

Watanabe and Katsumata both knew of my relationship with Muda. They even knew how he had a soft spot for me and was paying for my monthly living expenses. They had also guessed where he went when he would sometimes slip out at odd times from the café without a word.

It didn’t relate to me, but they and Muda were in similar positions. They were all involved in affairs that they couldn’t tell others. They protected each other’s secrets, and it was almost ridiculous the lengths they went to pledge loyalty to keep the other’s secrets.

His gaze immediately settled on us, but there wasn’t any particular change to his expression.

“That’s right,” I replied and I didn’t want him to catch the annoyed look in my eye so I broke eye contact with him. “He said he wanted to meet you, so…”

“I was thinking I wanted to meet you too. Well, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Muda. Your sister is always a big help around here.”

I pretended not to notice the bite in my words. Muda’s smile didn’t waver though as he turned to Shougo to say, “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still am. When I look at you side-by-side, you two truly do look alike.”

Muda glanced at Watanabe and Katsumata, who slipped into the back together as he said, “Well, this is your sister’s work place. She doesn’t come on a regular schedule, but whenever she is here, the number of male customers bumps up. You could say she’s the face of the café.”

Shougo nodded along and from time to time, a cynical smile formed on his lips, but he hardly said anything for the entirety of our stay.

He was trying to make it clear to Shougo that my relationship with him was one that couldn’t be broken even if he tried. He wanted to put it out there that he and I were a set and Shougo was nothing more than a late comer.

I realized this person didn’t have a sense of any of the deep past that existed between a brother and sister who had reunited after a twenty four gap. For him, it was all about what he could do to make sure he didn’t lose his place. His actions didn’t stem from underhanded intentions though– it was simply just his practical way of getting on in the world.

It was a form of control. As long as I was being financially supported by him, I knew I couldn’t escape from his clutches. Even if I were to sleep with a hundred nameless men, at the end of the day, I would end up returning to him. I would be in his care, be fucked by him, be brought to a sexual peak even though I don’t even care for him and let out a scream that even I’m disgusted that I let out, and when it’s all over, I would be dragged down into a bottomless darkness where I would have no choice but to look down at the nothingness below.

For a brief moment, he had a dubious expression on his face, but he replied, “Sure, I’ll drive you.” He then began to rifle through the pockets of his jacket.

“Why of course,” Muda said with a smile as he turned to wink at me. It was a coquettish wink that reminded me of his caresses when we were behind the closed door of a room. “Be safe out there.”

I knew that he would try contacting me later on. It had been over a month since I had responded to his sexual advances. Two weeks ago, he had told me while we were at work that he wanted to see me, but I lied to him that I was a little sick and wasn’t feeling well.

The clock had already struck four, and the town was already being swept by the shadow of night. Perhaps it was because of the wind, but it felt colder than it had earlier.

“That was just an excuse. I only said that because I wanted to get out of there.”

“I told you, didn’t I? I didn’t want to take you there if I could help it. I didn’t want you to meet him.”

In the back of the taxi that was heated so it was almost uncomfortably warm, I suddenly turned to face him.

“Like I said, could you stop referring to him like that?”

“It sounds like I’m not the only one in a bad mood today.”

“You can’t keep up with me? What do you mean by that?”

Dusk was settling in the wintery town, and the illumination lights had already begun to flash. Snow will probably begin to fall soon, I thought.

There was no response. I repeated again, more persistent this time. “Come to my apartment. And if you want to… stay the night.”

I hadn’t set out any glasses. The only things that were on the table were the two cans of beer that I had taken out of the fridge and placed there. The contents had long since been consumed, but I made no move to leave my chair.

“Muda supports me financially. In exchange for receiving a salary that goes far and beyond what I should be making, I sell my body to him. Doing that has become like second nature to me.”

“That’s just the thing though. I’m not poor. I have the inheritance my father left for me. I could just live my life off of that, and yet I live my life like this without touching a penny of it. Do you know why?”

“It’s because there’s a part of me that wants to destroy myself. It’s not that I can’t live my life on the straight and narrow… it’s just that I don’t want to. Why don’t I just work? I could work anywhere I please. I could be grilling yakitori in some smoke-filled izakaya. I could have my blouse buttoned properly up to the very top button, and do reception work at some small company. I could do any of those things… whatever, whenever the mood strikes me. And yet, I don’t.”

“I’m not interested in working myself down to the bone to climb the steps in life. I know that I should live my life like that… or at the very least, admire those who are capable of doing that, but I just can’t. That kind of success… everything you’d been working for… all that could crumble away with a gust of air from the devil. The only thing I’m capable of is believing that.”

“That’s why it makes me always want to live my life in a dishonest way. There’s nothing more repulsive for me than to be told by someone that I’m pure or that I’m honest, or that no matter how difficult I am to deal with, when it comes down to it, I come from good roots. It puts me more at ease to be told what a sleazy, ugly woman I am for living a life that requires me to exchange sex for money. I don’t want to show anything beautiful that exists within me, and I don’t want anyone to see that either.”

I lifted my head. I didn’t intend to show him such an expression, but I couldn’t hold back the cynical smile that formed on my lips.

“You’re right,” he agreed with a neutral expression on his face as he gazed at me. “But you’ve probably never been told that by your brother, have you?”

A little while later, I nodded and smiled stiffly, “You’ve got a point there.”

“Are you hungry? Would you like to eat anything?”

I silently gazed at him.

“You didn’t like the fact that I fuck him?”

“Am I being too blunt? If I didn’t put it that way though, there are so many things in this world that are hard to figure out because we’re too busy being too roundabout about it. Just so we’re clear here? Muda only wants one thing from me, and that thing isn’t love. What he likes about me is my body. It’s probably the case that he’ll probably try to continue to have sex with me until I become an age when I’m too old to be of any use; and I’m fine with that. That kind of thing isn’t uncommon. I heard that inexperienced women ask while they’re in their bed, ‘so you were after my body, weren’t you?’ but to me, that kind of thing only makes me laugh. What’s so wrong with that? What other reason could there be? It’s the same for men and women alike. Sex is only something that comes about through consent from both parties, after all. People are always going on about love, but that’s all an illusion. Sex is sex. There’s no point in trying to bring in useless things like emotions into it.”

“Act the part? That’s some talk coming from someone who doesn’t even know much about me.”

After he let it all out in one breath, the strength in his body deflated as he slumped over in his chair. His eyes, which were turned up to the ceiling, closed in frustration.

A static-like silence followed. But for some reason, that silence was comforting.

The reason being that he was my biological brother, and I his biological sister. We were both the sole biological link that the other still shared with someone on this Earth.

“Hey,” I said in a hoarse whisper. “I don’t know why but I suddenly feel really happy.”

“We’re having our first serious sibling fight. Don’t you think so?”

“If only you weren’t my sister…”

“There are times when I feel hatred towards Misao-san. I know that she didn’t do anything wrong… on the contrary, everything up until now came about thanks to her, and yet I can’t help but feel this way. I can’t help but think: why didn’t she just let it alone? Why couldn’t she have left things as is? I was fine with the way things were before. I lived my life until now as Iwasaki Shougo without having ever heard the name ‘Shimada’. I was fine with that.”

“Yes, I do.” Shougo answered.

“That stems though from the part of you that knows it’s because I’m your brother, and that you are my sister. If only I never found out that you were my sister. If I could have remained oblivious to that fact, I’m sure I would have bumped into you somewhere and fallen in love with you.”

The sound of the can falling did nothing to hold back our feelings. Similarly, Shougo reached out to grasp my hand in his.

“You’re right… if that had been the case, I probably would have fallen immediately in love with you too.”

“Can I kiss you here?”

“I wish I could kiss you somewhere else.”

“Your lips.”

“I know.”

As emotions of a happiness tinged with sadness consumed me, I closed my eyes.

Chapter end