Lemon Incest c14

It was even more so after I had recovered from my drawn out illness.

It wasn’t just that; the very fact that he had held my hand that night and talked to me felt a step removed from reality, as if it were nothing more than a dream caused by the fever.

I guess you could call it a gut instinct. In stark contrast to the lonely, heartbreaking story he had told me that night, I was overwhelmed by this feeling of wanting to live. A voice inside of me told me that now was the very time to live.

That being said, the more I spent time with him, the more suffocated I felt.

I wanted to touch him; I wanted to touch him longer and stronger. But it could never come to a point where it would lead to more than that.

But if someone were to ask exactly what it was that I wanted from him, I wouldn’t be able to answer. Was it that I was wishing for a repeat of the brief kiss we had exchanged the first time I went to his apartment? Or was I hoping to share the passion that the kisses lead to?

There were times I reached out to him to wrap my arms around his neck, and I would leave an affectionate kiss on his cheek, but that wasn’t something I did because I desired him.

There were times he stayed over at my place, but we never slept side-by-side. I always slept in my bed, and he always took the sofa in the living room.

We both slept in our respective rooms. And the next day, when we would use the bathrooms, we both timed it so we wouldn’t go when the other was there. So it made sense that there was never a time when we would see the other changing.

When I felt these doubts, I didn’t hesitate to call or text his cell phone. And in most cases, his reply was instantaneous, as if he were also waiting for me to contact him. When I sent him a text message with emoticons, his reply also included them. Even if his reply was about something trifling, I would gaze at it time and time again, and I would instantly feel better.

On a warm day just after mid-April, I called Muda on his cell phone and asked him if he could meet me because I needed to tell him something.

Even though it was most certainly the case that Muda had noticed the changes in me, I didn’t want to continue to take time off of work and yet allow him to deposit into my bank account an exorbitant amount each month. I knew that the money my father left for me would run out sometime in the near future. I had no idea as to what I planned to do about the future, but the one thing I did know, was that I could no longer continue to live my life depending on Muda.

Muda, who arrived at the café in Shirokanedai that I had suggested we meet at, had a gentle smile on his face that gave no hint of any bitterness.

Time and time again I had continued to turn down his requests to come and visit me. It wasn’t possible that he hadn’t sensed what it meant for me to do such a thing, when our relationship was based on me having sex with him in exchange for receiving money.

“I wanted to see you, but you wouldn’t let me. It seems that you don’t like me anymore, is that it?”

“Why are you being so polite? It’s as if I’m talking to a stranger.”

No matter how you looked at it, he wasn’t someone who aroused disgust in a person. Rather, for some woman, he probably would have made the ideal lover. He was never jealous or possessive. He was good at being generous, and it was easy to be around him.

From the very beginning, that was how our relationship had been. And it had monotonously continued; it was neither good nor bad. The relationship had practically melted into the fabric of everyday life.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said. “I think things were going well between us, and I have many things to be thankful to you for. I mean it.”

“Well that came out of the blue,” he said. One eyebrow twitched slightly, but that was all. “You’re going to quit? So what does that mean?”

“…I want to end things between us.”

“What’s the reason for this?”

“Does it have something to do with that young man coming into your life?”

“So are you trying to say… that you’ve gotten sick of me?”

“So you’re trying to say I’m Mr. Nice Guy?”

He had a sad smile. It was the first time he showed such emotion in front of me.

It was a clear, sunny day outside. The streets were lined with beautiful trees from which light filtered through. The smiles of the people who walked on the sidewalk were basked in the light, and for me, it felt as if I were watching a different world from afar on a movie screen.

“Is that right?” He said.

For an instant, I saw in Muda something akin to the love that my father had held for me. I realized that for the longest time, I had been subconsciously searching for my father inside this person.

Muda wasn’t angry. He didn’t lament and he didn’t spit out harsh parting words either.

When we were together, we didn’t bring up the past, and we didn’t talk about the future either. Most of our conversations skirted around the heart of the matter.

And yet, at the same time, every time our eyes met, sparks would fly. Deep behind our gazes, we could read the loneliness and unhappiness that the other had felt in their lives until now. Reading those feelings brought us even closer together, and it urged us to pursue the passion we felt.

The previous night, he had come to my place late at night and we had spent the night together without sleeping a wink, and in the afternoon, we stayed in my living room exchanging few words as we dozed off from time to time.

We always exchanged a brief embrace before parting ways. It had become a ritual since a while back; it was though an embrace that gave no whiff of sexual desire.

I’m not sure if this feeling of not wanting to part from him was what made me do this, or if it was a result of a sudden overwhelming sense of sadness that swept over me, but in that moment, I did something I had never done before. My arms were still wrapped around him as I stretched up to kiss him on the cheek.

His lips were closed tightly. His well-shaped nose moved slightly. He closed his eyes, opened them once again, before he bit his lip with a dark expression on his face. There was a harsh unforgiving strength to the hands that held me– it was as if he were trying to crush something that he despised with all his heart. His hand closed roughly into a fist as they grabbed a hold of the hair near my ears. I felt my hair, and with it, my ears, being pulled sharply back. I winced.

“I’m sorry.”

In the apartment, I could hear the echo of the rain falling outside. Everywhere we touched… our chests, our cheeks, the breath released from our lips sizzled like fire.

He let go of me as if pushing me away. He opened the door and left the apartment without another word. He disappeared beyond the door as it closed behind him, and the heavy lock that was utilized in all the apartments echoed with a heavy thud as it clicked into place.

I called her at her office. The reason why I decided to tell her this way was because I didn’t want her to ask me about the nitty-gritty details, but my worries were in vain. All she said was, “Oh is that right?” and she didn’t ask anything more.

“Don’t worry about it. I just finished a particularly long and troublesome meeting with a client, so if it’s now, I have plenty of time to chat. Let me just ask you this though, if I may… did something happen? I mean, with Muda-san.”

“Is that right?” Misao let out a small sigh. “Then I guess it couldn’t be helped. Well, if you think about it though, your relationship probably wasn’t one that would have lasted forever. The end would have come sooner or later.”

“Well, breaking up with him is fine and all, but what are you going to do from now on? Are you planning on finding some other place to work?”

These were words I just said on the spur of the moment. It wasn’t anything that I had ever given a thought to about before. When it came to her work, I never took an interest in it, and I always considered myself an outsider. Not only that, but first and foremost, if we not only lived together but worked together, there wasn’t any way to avoid our relationship from changing. Even if it was Misao-chan, whom I cared deeply about, if she became someone who supported my livelihood, she would become someone whom I couldn’t fully let down my guard against anymore.

“I’m not cheap to hire, you know. Are you able to pay handsomely for my services?”

“I’m just kidding. If you were to hire me, I probably wouldn’t be able to do anything more than pour tea to begin with, so if you would agree to me working there regardless, I’m fine with being paid the same as a college student working part time.”

“Give what a try?”

“Oh, Misao-chan. I was only joking!”

“I haven’t given any real thought to work, I haven’t been able to convince myself of that yet.”

My grip was tight on the receiver as I nodded and whispered, “Thank you.”

This year, I would be turning thirty. Like so many of the thirty-something single women in the world out there, I could start working a normal nine-to-five job working for small pay, leading a frugal but fun life…

It was because of Shougo. It was his presence in my life that I changed. I loved him, so much that I felt as I was being burned from the embers.

If he weren’t my brother, I could have thrown away the soiled life I had left until now… thrown and forgotten about it to start life anew with him. Dreams wouldn’t have just remained dreams anymore– I could have turned them into a reality, taking a step forward in my life as I realized dreams with my own two hands. I would have been freed from the life that chained me to a life of living with my father’s shadow, and I could have been reborn as someone different— someone new.

Despite the fact that each and every day, I carried within me the suffering from not being able to touch him freely, I was still able to make mine these feelings of happiness, calmness, and trust that I had never experienced before. I was able to feel the joy of becoming close to someone.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I’m fine.”

“Ah, as much as I can.”

“You could say that. We might just be the closest siblings in the world.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve already made plans to meet up with Shougo-kun tomorrow.”

“We’re going for a drive. Well, it’s a drive, but not to anywhere far away. We’re just going to Yokohama, but we’ve had it planned since a while back. He made plans with the owner of the place where he works part-time to let him borrow his car. And since he was given the okay for tomorrow, we can’t change the days. The owner seems to like him quite a bit. But it’s not in a romantic light, it’s more like he’s taken Shougo under his wing. At any rate, the owner’s pretty well off, so he has a Jaguar and Porsche at his home. Can you believe it?”

“That sounds like fun,” Misao said. She said this in a teasing voice. “Well, be safe. Don’t let him have anything to drink since he’s driving, do you hear me?”

“Well then, call me whenever you get the chance. I have so many things I want to talk to you about.”

“Don’t be silly, that’s not what I want to talk to you about.”

“At any rate,” Misao said. “I’m glad that you were able to put a period to that part of your life that involved Muda-san. I don’t know how you felt about that matter, but I think he was someone who, in his way, was always thinking about your best interests. But, it’s over, right? With that, you can start a new life for yourself.”

“Well, there’s no need to rush. You’re still young; there is plenty of time to think about what you’re going to do. You have a mountain of potential; it makes me almost envious.”

“But I’m not young like you.”

“Oh Mio,” Misao said in an exasperated voice before breaking out into laughter.
I joined in her laughter and with that, we ended the call, with our voices still mingling in joyous laughter.

Chapter end