How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis Chapter 64: Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

A gentle breeze drifted in from across the water and the flame went out. I continued to stare at what was now just my finger, then I repeated the hand movements to bring the flame back. Nothing happened.

I tried a number of times, but I couldn’t make it reappear. It was fine, though. The flame had definitely been real and if it was possible once, it meant it was possible again. Just knowing that made a huge difference. Now I just had to figure out how I’d done it.

My first thought was that the weed was responsible. Perhaps it contained some magical ingredient that allowed the smoker to do magic. But there was one flaw in this theory, which was Pitt. I had seen him do magic with the fish-calling, and he didn’t smoke. Then again, Nabbo was on his pipe pretty much 24/7, so there was always a cloud of smoke hanging over the platform. Second-hand smoke magic?

It seemed a bit of a stretch. 

My other thought was that the weed had put me into a very relaxed state of mind. Just before I managed to produce the flame, I had reached a point where I really didn’t care, about anything. Not about the others going off together, not about being alone, not even about whether I’d be able to produce a flame.

If not giving a fuck was the key to being able to do magic, I had the potential to become the greatest wizard this world had ever seen.

Of course, trying to not care about something you actually care a lot about is no easy task. That’s where the weed came in. It had got me to a place where I stopped caring, I just needed to get myself back there and see if that did the trick.

Since everyone seemed to be busy doing their own thing, I went back to camp where I could get a fire going the old fashioned way. I took Nabbo’s pipe with me, which was a bit cheeky, but he could always make another one. And I had saved his life, which was an excellent trump card to use as my excuse.

It didn’t take long to start a fire. I leaned in to light the pipe and took some nice, deep drags of pondweed. The effects quickly washed over me and I returned to the warm bosom of stonedom.

But the flame still wouldn’t work. I tried it a number of times, all to no avail. Even though I was stoned, I couldn’t recapture that feeling of general ambivalence from before. I cared too much (not something I ever thought I’d have to worry about). 

What was at stake was so huge, it was impossible to act like it wasn’t. I couldn’t help but get worked up about it as I made the finger movements.

I took a break and attempted to calm myself, but my head was too full of the possibilities and my anticipation remained sky-high. Of course, there was one other way for a young man to release some of his tension. Yep.

To be absolutely clear, this had nothing to do with everyone else getting laid and me feeling lonely. This was for science.

I went into my tent and took care of business. I’m not sure what the world record is for quickest wank, but I’m pretty sure I smashed it. As I lay there, slightly out of breath, the sheer ridiculousness of what I was trying to do made me giggle uncontrollably. 

Eventually, my amusement at myself subsided and I tried to make magic happen. It worked first time. Flame on! I couldn’t believe it. 

I burst out laughing again. If I had to jerk off every time I wanted to use magic, it was going to make battling monsters very tricky—not many fights allow for a fap break.

Still, I could use magic!

The flame danced on my finger. It wasn’t a fireball, but it was a start. I blew it out and crawled out of the tent to find the rest of my party standing there with confused and slightly judgemental looks on their faces. The judgemental part may have been my imagination.

“What were you doing in there?” asked Claire.

“Er, magic,” I said. Which was true on a number of levels.

Producing a flame there and then was not an easy thing to do. All four of them staring at me expectantly was a lot of pressure. I raised my hand and moved my fingers. A flame appeared. 

They were suitably stunned. And then they were shrieking and jumping up and down, hitting me with a barrage of questions. I told them about how being stoned had put me in the right frame of mind (I skipped over the other part) and they were keen to try it for themselves.

We sat around the fire and passed the pipe around. They quickly got stoned, but there was a slight problem. Unlike me, their reaction to being baked wasn’t a zen-like chill, it made them horny—literally the opposite of not giving a fuck. 

They started giving each other sideways glances and flirty looks. None of them were able to produce a flame, unsurprisingly. Not often you need a bucket of cold water to get a fire going.

I know I said I didn’t begrudge them their fun, but this was just irritating. Go off and shag yourselves silly in private if you want, but don’t get all hot and bothered in front of me. That’s just rude.

“There’s something I want to say to you all,” I said. Their attention returned to me, reluctantly. “I know you guys have hooked up and are couples now.”

They seemed surprised I had figured it out.

“Ah, yeah” said Maurice. “Sorry about that.”

“We didn’t want you to feel awkward, that’s why we didn’t mention it,” said Claire. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, sorry,” joined in Flossie. Dudley also mumbled something apologetic.

All the apologising was annoying. It wasn’t even sincere, the smug bastards. Sorry for having loads of sex when you weren’t. I wonder why Hallmark never printed that card?

“I don’t care about that. I feel awkward most of the time already, you lot fucking isn’t going to change that. But I assume you haven’t been using any kind of contraception, so there’s a real danger one of you might get pregnant.”

This dose of reality wiped the smug sympathy from their faces. Colin-Fu, black belt.

“We really don’t need the extra problems something like that will bring. Right?” I looked to them for confirmation.

They said nothing.

“Look,” I said, “it’s not like having a baby would be the end of the world. People have been having kids in difficult situations since, well, since there have been people. It’s normal. All I’m saying is, it wouldn’t be helpful right now. Having to travel around with a pregnant woman, dealing with the birth, keeping the mother and baby safe when we get into fights… it’d all be a huge pain.”

Nobody agreed with me, but they didn’t disagree, either. They sat there fidgeting.

I continued. “All I’m saying is, if you do end up with a bun in the oven, I will be leaving the group to go off on my own.”

Claire stood up, face contorted into a mixture of disbelief and outrage. “What? Why?”

I held up my hands. “Hey, I’m just being honest with you guys. Like I said, being in a tough spot has never stopped people having kids. I’m sure you’ll do just fine without me.”

“Why do you have to be like this?” said Claire. “That’s a really shitty thing to say, Colin.”

The Sorceress Supreme was about to unleash her arsenal of guilt-inducing weaponry, I could tell. Well, fuck that.

“I know we’ve come a long way together,” I said calmly, “but once you have kids, everything changes. One for all and all for one becomes women and children first. Which is fine if it’s your women and children, but I don’t want to become a nanny to a bunch of sprogs, thanks very much. It’s your choice to have kids, and it should be your responsibility to look after them. Don’t you think that’s fair?”

There was an uncomfortable silence.

Claire was the only one standing. She was also shaking with rage. “So, you’re saying we have to stop having sex or you’ll leave.”

“What? No. How’d you come to that conclusion? There’s lots of ways to have sex without getting pregnant. Handjobs, blowjobs, up the arse. All I’m saying is I don’t intend to have my already crappy life turned into a bigger bag of shite just because you were having too good a time to remember to pull out.”

Claire face got redder and she looked like she might explode any minute. “I am not going to have sex up the arse just to make you happy.”

“Well it wouldn’t just make me happy, right Maurice?”

Maurice was caught a little off-guard. “What? I mean yes. I mean no. Wait, what are we talking about?”

“Well, you can forget it,” Claire screamed at Maurice.

“But I didn’t even…” Maurice was at a loss for words.

“And you,” Claire pointed at me, “you’re just jealous.”

“Yep, you got me, Claire. I’m super jelly. So jealous, that I’m encouraging you to have anal sex. Because that’s what you do when you’re jealous, isn’t it? Try to convince the people you’re jealous of to to take it up the shitter. A well-known cure for jealousy.”

Claire seemed unable to find the words to express her feelings. She turned to Maurice and pointed at him. “No!”

“It wasn’t even my idea!” said Maurice, a little unconvincingly, if you ask me. 

Flossie suddenly got up. We all waited to see what she had to say. She stood very stiff with her head bowed, staring at the ground. “Ah… Ah… Ah don’t mind taking it in the boom.” She slowly turned towards Dudley, still intently gazing at her shoes. “Ah mean, if that’s what you want.”

Dudley’s face did the kind of gymnastics that would’ve scored a perfect 10.0 at the Olympics. I can’t say for sure what was going through his mind, but my guess would be something along the lines of:

Oh my God, this is it. The dream! The dream!

No, wait, it’s a trap, she’s testing me. I should say I don’t want to.

But what if it’s my one and only chance? How can I say no.

Take the shot! Take the shot!

“Izzat what you want?” asked Flossie bashfully.

Reddest of all the red faces, poor Dudley eeked out a pitiful, “Nooooooooo...?”

“You can forget it. All of you. Flossie, you’re sleeping with me tonight.” Claire grabbed Flossie by the arm and yanked her towards one of the tents. Flossie looked back at Dudley apologetically, just before she disappeared behind the tent flaps.

Maurice and Dudley shared a sorrowful look with each other. I don’t think they knew what had just happened, other than something precious had been tantalisingly hung in front of them, and then cruelly snatched away.

I sat back down by the fire and lit the pipe from my finger. And that’s how you teach people not to go around flaunting their good luck in front of those not so fortunate. Works like magic.

Author’s Note: If you’re enjoying the story, please remember to follow, favourite and rate. Comments are also appreciated.

Out of curiosity, are there any girls reading this story? I'm curious what girls think about my female characters.

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