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How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis Chapter 259: There Was an Attempt
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How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis Chapter 259: There Was an Attempt

Chapter 259: There Was an Attempt

We travelled back to the pond we had stopped at to regroup and assess the situation. 

“How are you going to get good enough to beat him?” asked Maurice, a little concerned that his girlfriend was about to get married off to someone with a much better resume than him.

“He didn’t give us a time limit, did he?” I said. “You never know, I might be a quick study. Depends how good a teacher the old geezer is.”

“You want them to wait in there while you spend the next three weeks cultivating your skills in a cave somewhere?” He was starting to get a bit shirty, which was more to do with his concerns for Claire than any genuine animosity towards me. We were in the same boat and we both knew there was no option other than to learn how to sail it.

Three weeks, though, was somewhat optimistic.

“I don’t know how long it’ll take. Or even if it’s possible. But it’s bought us some time.” 

Dudley started twitching, which was an indication that he was gearing up to say something he had no confidence in. “I’m not really comfortable with the idea of Flossie being all by herself.”

“She isn’t, she’s got the other two with her. They’ll be fine for a bit.” Neither of them  seemed to be comforted by my words. “This was their idea, you know?” 

“They didn’t ask you to challenge a god to a wizard’s duel,” said Maurice. There was a definite hint of blame in his voice. And it wasn’t aimed at the girls (where it belonged). 

“They didn’t ask at all.” Two could play the blame game. “If they come up with a plan that only involved them, then you’d have a point. But they dragged us into it. You can’t just point the way and expect others to take care of the rest. We don’t work that way. If I have to do this, then I’ll do it my way.”

“Aren’t you just pissed off with them giving the orders?” said Maurice. He had to be really upset to say something that dumb.

“No. I don’t even know what their orders are. If I did, I could decide to follow them on merit. Or not. But throwing us in like this was not their finest moment. So we’ll be going with my version. Yolo 2.0.”

“And what if you can’t upgrade your magic?” asked Maurice.

“We’ll deal with that when it’s an issue.” I turned to the Elder. “How long do you think it would take to get me to a decent level?”

The Elder stared at me with a blank face, which actually said a lot. None of it good.

“Three lifetimes would not be long enough.”

“I picked up what he taught me.” I pointed at Nabbo who was watching with a sloppy grin on his face. He, at least, wasn’t upset. I was tempted to cadge an eighth off him and take an early lunch break. “Only took me a few days.” I was rounding down.

“Yes, I’m sure it was a sterling education,” said the Elder witheringly. Nabbo didn’t seem to mind, the grin remained just as sloppy. A teenth would do, just to take the edge off.

“Can we just try? It’s as much for your people as mine. He isn’t the deity you think he is.”

The Elder closed his large, bulbous eyes and nodded. “I will do as much as I can, but there is no shortcut to mastering the magic only few have access to, and they are trained from a young age.”

“I’m not as old as I look,” I said. “My healing magic tends to dry my skin.”

“You can heal as well as create fire?” He sounded surprised. Maybe this was the sign he’d been looking for, the prodigy who could dual wield.

“Yes!”

“Then there’s even less chance. The more disciplines you invest your energy in, the weaker your source.”

“That’s for your people,” I said, sounding quite convincing, I thought. “I’m a Visitor. Normal rules don’t apply.”

“You don’t have a strong enough base. You need to have something you care about. You don’t have that, do you? Something you feel belongs to you and only you? That’s yours and that you’d never give up?”

“So I have to be an egomaniac? Make everything about me and don’t give a shit about anyone else?”

“Yes. All powerful men, magicians or otherwise, are that way. It is how great accomplishments are achieved.”

He wasn’t wrong. Leaders, businessmen, stars of entertainment, they were all fucking awful people. It only helped them reach the top quicker. 

“Alright, alright, I get it. But I’m just not the possessive type.”

The Elder shook his head. “No, you are not.” He said it like that was a bad thing.

“I dislike quite a lot of things, though. Doesn’t it work in reverse?”

“Hate is a poor substitute.”

“Hate leads to the dark side of the force,” said Maurice, unable to help himself. Even under the threat of imperilled girlfriends, nerd gotta nerd.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said the Elder. “What force? This is no time to be spouting gibberish.”

I could see Maurice tensing, ready to abandon Claire for far more important matters.

I stepped in before things got really tense. “But you said you have to create a gap between the way you feel about what you care about and the lack of feeling for everything else. Can’t you just create that gap by having a lack of feeling about your own shit, and even less interest in everyone else’s?”

If it was a matter of differentials, I could just as easily make up the difference in the opposite direction.

“You would have to create a great deal of rage and sustain it. That is no easy thing. Wanting and desiring is effortless. Anger weakens after a good night’s sleep.”

He did have a point, but did it have to be hate?

“I’d still like to try. I’ve found a non-traditional approach sometimes produces unexpected results. We can at least see if there’s any hope.”

“There is no hope,” said the Elder. 

“Okay, first that’s very negative. But now you know what he’s like and what he has in store for you, don’t you think it would be best to explore alternatives to dying?”

“We will leave,” said the Elder. “This was our home, but there are other forests, other swamps.” 

The frogmen around us murmured and muttered in agreement.

“You think he’ll let you? So you can tell everyone what he’s up to?”

That gave the Elder pause for thought. “We will attempt the impossible,” he finally said. “Perhaps you can surprise us all. But I doubt it.” Wouldn’t have killed him to give it a bit of a more positive spin.

So my training to become a level two mage began. Slowly. The Elder’s used the shame-based technique of training, where you constantly act horrified at how useless your student was. 

“What are those finger movements? Did he teach you that? He has arthritis, that isn’t even close to the correct configuration.”

There were a lot of finger exercises and breathing from the diaphragm. My magic didn’t seem to get any stronger, but my next opera recital was looking promising.

After two days of focusing everything I had on getting some indication of improvement, some sign, I was still only able to produce weak flame, although I did sense a little more heat in them. Admittedly, I was the only one. 

The fireballs I had been hoping to create were a long way off at this rate. 

Maurice and Dudley paced around, hanging out with the frogmen and generally letting their concerns overwhelm them. I was spending every waking moment trying my hardest, but no one had the slightest faith in me. Which was perfectly understandable. Some traditions are there for a reason.

“Open your palm,” said the Elder. “Now, produce a flame without any finger movements.”

“How?”

“Imagine the movements, but don’t make them.”

I did as he asked and three hours later, sweat covering my face, a tiny flame appeared at the tip of one finger.

“No,” said the Elder. He slapped my fingers and the flame I had so painstakingly produced, went out.

“Make it appear in the palm of your hand.”

It was getting dark on the fifth day when a light blue wisp appeared in my palm. I pushed down my excitement in case it broke my concentration and watched the flame dance. It was very faint and probably only visible because of the gloom of dusk.

I still didn’t have a strong base, as the Elder called it, but I had used every other technique he had showed me, fighting through the frustration and desire to give up. The flame lasted a few seconds and then faded away, but I could still feel it. Its warmth was more than the soft glow I was used to. I couldn’t help but get my hopes up. Dudley was sitting with his back to a nearby tree, watching me with his sharp eyes.

“Did you see it?” I asked without looking up.

He nodded. 

I turned my hand from palm up to palm out, facing him. I pushed the warmth towards him. 

His face tilted back a bit. “Oh, that’s quite pleasant.”

His response was irritating. I was going for something more than ‘pleasant’. Not that I wanted to hurt him, and I could have healed him if I had.

“Ow,” said Dudley, flinching to get his head out of the line of fire. “That hurt.”

My hand had suddenly tingled when I got annoyed. It wasn’t anger, nothing that intense, but it had come from deep within me. Perhaps my source of power was something I could produce in large, sustained amounts after all.

I plucked a stalk of grass out of the ground. It was green and moist, the kind of healthy young shoot my flames couldn’t ignite. I placed it on my palm and worked up a flame. The grass didn’t seem to mind the flame flickering around it. The flame went out. 

My hand felt warmer, but not by much. I focused my mind on how Jenny and the others had forced me into this position when everything had been going so well. The stalk glowed, turned orange and then dissolved.  It didn’t catch fire, there was no burning smell. A line of ash was all that remained.

How useful would that be? Not exactly a fireball. Still, it showed I was capable of growth, even if it was very little, very slowly.

The One True God wouldn’t be too concerned. But then, he wasn’t the one I was planning on challenging. Not yet, anyway.

I practised some more, getting better at killing innocent young grasses. The fresher and juicier, the better. It was strange how the heat disintegrated them so completely. 

Once I felt I had it down so I could reproduce it easily, I got up and went over to a small group of trees. I had been at it all night and it would soon be dawn. Everyone else had gone to sleep.

I kicked one of the trees. “Hey. Wake up.” There was no response. “Do I need to get an axe?”

A pair of eyes opened. “Do not threaten us. We are one under the soil. You can always join us.”

“Big talk from the One True God’s pet guardian. You’ve been here the longest, haven’t you? You’ve seen it all before. Knew what he was planning.”

The eyes blinked slowly. 

“So, it’s time for you to change sides.”

“Why would we do that?”

The sky was getting lighter and the sun’s first rays would soon be here. I lifted my hand and pointed at a branch. “See that leaf?” I held up my palm and the leaf glowed orange and vanished. The twig attached to it did the same. I could run the heat from one link to the next. It was so pleasing to do, even though I was holding a litany of irritations in my mind as I did it, I almost forgot the reason for the display.

“Stop!”

I closed my palm and burnt my fingertips. I swallowed the yell in my throat.

“If you burn me down, you will only burn yourself.”

“I can heal.” I showed the tree my red palm and soothed it away with my other hand. 

The tree’s branches swayed and vines shifted around as it prepared to attack me. 

“You’ll just be sending more fuel towards me.”

The vine settled down. “What do you want?”

My irritation with myself and Jenny and the whole world faded away. “I want you to help me kill a god.”

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Catalogue
343: But Can You Do This?
342: Happy Endings
341: I Am What I Am
340: How Was It for You?
339: Nothing Holding Me Back
338: You Do That Hoodoo
337: Not All Heroes Wear Capes
336: Woke AF
335: Compartmentalise. Compartwomentalise and Compartchildrentalise, too
334: Adapt. Absorb. Assimilate.
333: On the Stump
332: The Popular Vote
331: New Model Army
330: Plenty More Fish in the Sea
329: Meat Is Murder
328: Voulez-Vous Trébuchet Avec Moi?
327: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
326: Marry in Haste, Repent at Leisure
325: Welcome to Shrine Island
324: Captain, My Captain
323: Half-Life 3 Confirmed
322: Expect the Unexpectable
321: Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area
320: Pacifist Run
319: Boss of This Gym
318: Second Prize in a Beauty Contest
317: Personal Allowance
316: Twisted Firestarter
315: A Good Quest Is Hard to Find
314: World's Greatest Solo Player
313: The Stupid Fat Face of Adveristy
312: Another Fish Mess
311: Death by Water Pistol
310: What a Time to be Alive!
Chapter 309: Don't Forget to Breathe
Chapter 308: Wizard Bitch
Chapter 307: The Older Woman
Chapter 306 - Paywall
Chapter 305: Further Beyond
Chapter 304: Sisters of No Mercy
Chapter 303: Shame on You
Chapter 302: There's No You in Team
Chapter 301: Cockblocula
Chapter 300: Indignation Remix
Chapter 299: Planning for the Future
Chapter 298: Never Prosper
Chapter 297: Lead Me Not into Temptation
Chapter 296: Be Nice to People on the Way Up
Chapter 295: Hold the Moan
Chapter 294: God of Wut?
Chapter 293: Freedom for All
Chapter 292: Losing My Edge
Chapter 291: Don't Hate the Player
Chapter 290: Vines of Communication
Chapter 289: Dead Gods and Englishmen
Chapter 288: Till Death Don't Us Part
Chapter 287: Show Before Tell
Chapter 286: The Unprincipled Certainty
Chapter 285: Dead Men Walking
Chapter 284: Fear of Flailing
Chapter 283: No Refunds
Chapter 282 : Church of Me
Chapter 281: Burnt Salad
Chapter 280: Feel the Fear and Druid Anyway
Chapter 279: Watching the Defectives
Chapter 278: A Man of Substance
Chapter 277: Every Cult Has a Silver Lining
Chapter 276: Born Again
Chapter 275: Never on a First Date
Chapter 274: Bad Sensei
Chapter 273: Pope Idol
Chapter 272: I Have the Power
Chapter 271: Underdog Now, Overlord Later
Chapter 270: WWJD?
Chapter 269: Chilling
Chapter 268: These Aren't the Druids You're Looking For
Chapter 267: Welcome to Gorgoth
Chapter 266: God Tier
Chapter 265: Land of the Setting Sun
Chapter 264: Colin-Fu is Leaking
Chapter 263: Childish Colino
Chapter 262: Cash Me Outside
Chapter 261: Grotto Life
Chapter 260: Too Few To Mention
Chapter 259: There Was an Attempt
Chapter 258: Party to a Lie
Chapter 257: Attention Please
256: Procrastination Agent
Chapter 255: Flags Flying High
Chapter 254 - Guardians of the Greenery
Chapter 253: Tilted
Chapter 252: The Touchables
Chapter 251: Chinny Chin Chin
Chapter 250: Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner
Chapter 249: Pest Control
Chapter 248: The Hero's Jenny
Chapter 247: On the Hook
Chapter 246: Eye on the Prize
Chapter 245: Battle of Five Armies (Part 2)
Chapter 244: Hanging by a Thread
Chapter 243: Beware My Power
Chapter 242: Blow by Blow
Chapter 241: Dark Side of the Brain
Chapter 240: Head Counsel
Chapter 239: Enemy Lines
Chapter 238: Dargot After Dark
Chapter 237: From a Great Height
236. Diamond in the Rough
Chapter 235: Gathering of the Clouds
Chapter 234: The Frenemy of My Frenemy
Chapter 233: The Hard Carry
Chapter 232: Bone to Pick
Chapter 231: Sonny Days, Laney Nights
Chapter 230: Elfen Lied
Chapter 229: Resistance Is Fruitful
Chapter 228: Faithless
Chapter 227: Killer Queen
Chapter 226: Gatekeeper
Chapter 225: Requbar Revival
Chapter 224: Silent But Dudley (Side Story)
Chapter 223: Rated, Baited, Delegated
Chapter 222: Colin Ascendant
Chapter 221: Beat the Retreat
Chapter 220: Battle of Five Armies (Part 1)
Chapter 219: Love's Labour Lost
Chapter 218: The Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 217: Dudley Wa Hooo!
Chapter 216: The Naked Ape
Chapter 215: When Two Girls Go To War
Chapter 214: Let Sleeping Dragons Lie
Chapter 213: The Easy Way Out
Chapter 212: Remember the Name
Chapter 211: Head Start
Chapter 210: Working Girl
Chapter 209: Down the Local
Chapter 208: Newkie State of Mind
Chapter 207: Together Again for the First Time
Chapter 206: Fantastic Four and a Half
Chapter 205: Choosing Sides
Chapter 204: Can't Make an Omelette
Chapter 203: Path of Most Resistance
Chapter 202: The Back Stabbers
Chapter 201: Girl Man and Rat Boy
Chapter 200: Never Go Back
Chapter 199: Notes from the Underground
Chapter 198: Ghosting
Chapter 197: Re: Slime
Chapter 196: King Killer Confessionals
Chapter 195: Ratopolis Now
Chapter 194: Duck Hunt
Chapter 193: Escapology
Chapter 192: Mr Sabotage
Chapter 191: Heart of Dimness
Chapter 190: Sonny With a Chance of Power
Chapter 189: Run Rat Run
Chapter 188: Girl Interrupted
Chapter 187: Two's Company
Chapter 186: A Terrible Rebel
Chapter 185: The Good Dungeon Guide
Chapter 184: Escort Service
Chapter 183: Welcome to Requbar
Chapter 182: Dragon and Off Again
Chapter 181: One Man Party
Chapter 180: Don't Talk To Me Or My Son Ever Again
Chapter 179: Yuqi In The Sky With Diamonds
Chapter 178: Out Of The Box
Chapter 177: Better The Devil You Know
Chapter 176: Roguelike
Chapter 175: The Long Way Home
Chapter 174: Betray You, Betray Me
Chapter 173: Martyr Dome
Chapter 172: In The Huddle
Chapter 171: A Winning Plan
Chapter 170: Free your Mind
Chapter 169: Dad Talk
Chapter 168: Sweep The Leg
Chapter 167: Square Peg
Chapter 166: A Bad Feeling
Chapter 165: Block Rocking Beats
Chapter 164: Treasured
Chapter 163: Walls Have Ears
Chapter 162: Saviour Of The Universe
Chapter 161: Welcome To Nekromel
Chapter 160: A New Hope
Chapter 159: Face Your Demons
Chapter 158: In It To Win It
Chapter 157: Galvanise
Chapter 156: Collision Course
Chapter 155: Manual Override
Chapter 154: Democracy Inaction
Chapter 153: Claire Knows It All
Chapter 152: Say Hello To My Little Friend
Chapter 151: Revolution Road
Chapter 150: Destiny Calling
Chapter 149: Forever? Forever, ever?
Chapter 148: Come Here Often?
Chapter 147: Back Once Again For The Renegade Master
Chapter 146: Yuqi Yuqi Yuqi
Chapter 145: The Disorient Express
Chapter 144: Plan Of Attack
Chapter 143: How To Make Fiends And Influence People
Chapter 142: All You Need Is Phil
Chapter 141: Born To Run
Chapter 140: Time Of Your Life
Chapter 139: Sorcerers Vs Warlocks
Chapter 138: Head In The Clouds
Chapter 137: Death From Above
Chapter 136: Lay Of The Land
Chapter 135: Jester Of Your Dreams
Chapter 134: One Up
Chapter 133: A Drop In The Ocean
Chapter 132: All At Sea
Chapter 131: The Only Girl In The World
Chapter 130: Here Comes The Bride
Chapter 129: Revelations
Chapter 128: Welcome Back
Chapter 127: Mask
Chapter 126: Room For Truth
Chapter 125: Face To Face
Chapter 124: Way Of The Beast
Chapter 123: My Dinner With Angry
Chapter 122: Sympathy For The Archfiend
Chapter 121: Castle In The Air
Chapter 120: King Worm
Chapter 119: The King Is Dead, Long Live The King
Chapter 118: Dragon Ball F
Chapter 117: Blast Off
Chapter 116: Follow The Leader
Chapter 115: Enola Gay
Chapter 114: Get Lucky
Chapter 113: Man Vs Wild
Chapter 112: Dog Day Afternoons
Chapter 111: Heroes Of Myth And Legend
Chapter 110: The Worm Turns
Chapter 109: Beware The Jabberwock
Chapter 108: Welcome To Monsterland
Chapter 107: Brassed Off
Chapter 106: Washed Up
Chapter 105: A Bridge Too Near
Chapter 104: Grief Encounters
Chapter 103: Tripping
Chapter 102: Chain Gang
Chapter 101: Colin of the F.O.
Chapter 100: Diplomatic Immunity
Chapter 99: She Afraid
Chapter 98: Walking Through Walls
Chapter 97: The Word Of God
Chapter 96: Blind Man's Bluff
Chapter 95: The Tao Of Colin
Chapter 94: Back To Mine
Chapter 93: Stone Cold
Chapter 92: The Waiting Game
Chapter 91: The Doctor Is In
Chapter 90: Assault On Pickled Gherkin
Chapter 89: Locked In
Chapter 88: The Flossie Show
Chapter 87: Kizwat's Silver Hammer
Chapter 86: Trouble In The City
Chapter 85: A Word Of Warning
Chapter 84: No Deal Or Deal
Chapter 83: Dinner With The Devil
Chapter 82: Welcome To Dargot
Chapter 81: Sunny Side Up
Chapter 80: Gutted
Chapter 79: Dungeons & Divas
Chapter 78: Troll-In-Chief
Chapter 77: Breakout
Chapter 76: Tunnels & Trolls
Chapter 75: Hope Versus Expectation
Chapter 74: Zomber, Please
Chapter 73: Night Of The Living Zombers
Chapter 72: The Mandy Project
Chapter 71: Lizard Blizzard
Chapter 70: Tin Man
Chapter 69: Trial By Fire
Chapter 68: Waiting For A Star To Fall
Chapter 67: Meet The Family
Chapter 66: Together Again
Chapter 65: Dudley Done Right
Chapter 64: Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
Chapter 63: Gone Fishin'
Chapter 62: Save The Frog
Chapter 61: Last One Out
Chapter 60: Sword Smarts
Chapter 59: Book Smarts
Chapter 58: A Wild Princess Appears
Chapter 57: By Royal Appointment
Chapter 56: Wait For It
Chapter 55: It's Nice To Be Wanted
Chapter 54: Win Lose Draw
Chapter 53: Frog Capture Plan
Chapter 52: Man On A Mission
Chapter 51: The Emporium Of Needs And Desires
Chapter 50: Welcome To Fengarad
Chapter 49: The Commander And The Princess
Chapter 48: Fengarad City Limits
Chapter 47: The Goodbye Girls
Chapter 46: Rogue Ogre
Chapter 45: Sword Art Offline
Chapter 44: Then A Hero Comes Along
Chapter 43: When You Got To Go
Chapter 42: There's No Such Thing
Chapter 41: The Farmer's Wife
Chapter 40: Needs Must
Chapter 39: Journey To The West
Chapter 38: Farewell To Probet
Chapter 37: Behind The Curtain
Chapter 36: Loot Roll
Chapter 35: Monster Hunter 2.0
Chapter 34: Teach Me, Master
Chapter 33: Monster Hunter 1.0
Chapter 32: Prepare To Fight
Chapter 31: A New Challenger Has Appeared
Chapter 30: Got To Catch 'Em All
Chapter 29: Into The Woods
Chapter 28: Choose Your Own Adventure
Chapter 27: Shrek 2
Chapter 26: Equipment Upgrade
Chapter 25: Let's Get Salty
Chapter 24: Good Hunting
Chapter 23: Then There Were Three
Chapter 22: A Gift From Prometheus
Chapter 21: May I Take Your Coat?
Chapter 20: Kill The Wabbit
Chapter 19: A Hunting We Will Go
Chapter 18: Lock And Load
Chapter 17: Not Excalibur
Chapter 16: Let's Make A Deal
Chapter 15: Walk On The Wild Side
Chapter 14: Game Plan
Chapter 13: Room For One More?
Chapter 12: Let's Eat
Chapter 11: Taking Stock
Chapter 10: Welcome To Probet
Chapter 9: Party Up
Chapter 8: Dressed To Impress
Chapter 7: Equip Weapon
Chapter 6: FAQ
Chapter 5: Player One Ready?
Chapter 4: Fight or Fight
Chapter 3: Welcoming Committee
Chapter 2: Breathe
Chapter 1: Where Are We?
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