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How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis 323: Half-Life 3 Confirmed
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How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis 323: Half-Life 3 Confirmed

323: Half-Life 3 Confirmed

Royn was reeling. The best way to deal with someone who is totally in touch with who they are is and they’re meant to be doing is to introduce them to the idea that everything they want might be obtainable quicker and easier.

Stopping them is hard. Offer them an express ticket to get there faster, and they’ll lose interest in their own plans.

That’s the real weakness of a smug bastard. Doubt.

Not to make them think they’re wrong. They’ll resist that hard, no matter how incontrovertible the evidence. But the thought that there’s an even more unethical way to the top, and maybe others are already climbing it, is enough to induce panic.

Once I’d put the idea of becoming leader of the guilds into Royn’s head, it pushed out all his other ambitions. But the kicker was suggesting Damicar would be the one to claim the prize. Real or not, just the possibility of it happening was enough to send Royn off the deep end.

The practised languorous look he normally affected had vanished, to be replaced by the intense stare of the mad girlfriend. The boy of her dreams was tall, ripped and loaded. And she wasn’t about to let him fall into the hands of any other bitch.

“How can you possibly know what’s on Shrine Island? No one has ever set foot on it and lived.”

“The Golden God doesn’t need to worry about crazy islanders.” I was starting to see the attraction of being a religious person. Not a follower — that sucked and would leave you skint — but as a leading figure in the movement, it was great. Make whatever pronouncement you liked, offer no proof, pass it off as a test of faith if you turn out to be wrong.

Royn considered my words. “Do you really believe you can find the unification treaty?”

See? Not, What do you know? Or Do you have proof? He wanted to know what I believed.

That’s the key to handling stupid people who think they’re smart. You don’t get them to consider whether something is true or not. You get them to think about what it means. Once they think their view counts, then they want to be involved. Facts have to be gathered, but any nonsense counts as an opinion.

“I have no doubt whatsoever,” I said. “Why else would I be willing to risk my life? I know there are some people who are willing to die for their faith, but I’m not one of them. I’d much rather be slightly less blessed, and slightly more alive.”

Royn nodded. He was starting to see me as a holy man, here to share heavenly wisdom. Any minute now the Beatles would turn up and ask to stay in my ashram. I would teach them that creation and destruction were eternally linked, everything that is made can be unmade, and then I’d try to get Paul to unwrite Mull of Kintyre.

“But…. Damicar? How can he be the one to unite the guilds?” He was asking in a reverential tone. I think he was genuinely curious about what it took to win the favour of the gods.

Which is what most people want, to be favoured above others. We compete so we can prove our worth. But to who? If everyone wants to be on stage, who’s in the audience?

I wasn’t totally unsympathetic towards Royn. He was an unpleasant person, for sure, but it’s rare for someone to just be born with the decency gene missing. Most people get messed up along the way, usually when young.

Type A, what we think of as Alphas, deal with it by passing it on, finding solace in getting to be the aggressor instead of the victim.

Type B takes the Beta route and tries to protect others from suffering the same fate as them. But they have to face the Alphas. Nothing as demoralising as getting a job in Social Services where you think you can make a difference, only to find the place run by Type As looking for weak and vulnerable people to mess with.

And then there are those who never suffered growing up. They think people complain too much of their upbringing. Just cheer up and make the best of it. Type C. I think we all know what the C stands for.

I didn’t think Royn was Type C. My intuition was that he had a less than stellar childhood. Why else would he have spent so much time with Damicar?

“Damicar is the chosen one. I don’t know why, but it isn’t my place to question the divine. I expect these things will reveal themselves when the time is right.” I could keep up this level of bullshit for hours. “You could come with us, if you like. I can’t guarantee your safety, but you would get to see the power of the Golden God at first hand. No pressure.”

Royn sank into deep thought. Honestly, it’s amazing what you can get away with when you offer people things you have no power to give them. The bigger you go, the more inclined they are to believe you.

Damicar returned from the bathroom. He looked at the two of us sitting there. “What have you two been talking about?”

“The Golden God, the future of Gorgoth, the meaning of life and the politics of power.” I find the best way to not answer a question is to answer it as fully as possible. “Anything interesting happen in the bathroom, or just the usual?”

“Um, no, just the usual.”

The man Royn had sent off to arrange for our transportation came running back. I always felt a twinge of jealousy whenever I saw someone doing their job properly. If I could get hold of a few people who did as they were told, quickly and efficiently… but there’s no point reaching for the impossible. Some things are beyond fantasy.

“Leader, the ship is ready.”

Of course, I wouldn’t make people call me Leader or Master or Number One. Those sorts of made up titles are just there to flatter people who can’t face the reality of who they really are. To my people I would just be me, Victor Sifuentes.

“Victor, let’s go.” Royn was polite and deferential. Which meant he saw me as someone he could learn from, or he was buttering me up so I would more easily slide into his trap.

I hadn’t been to the docks before, didn’t even know where they were. There was an underground river that was the main route for goods leaving Gorgoth, that’s all I knew. I was more interested in getting to the island, finding whatever treasures Arthur had stashed there, and then making my next choice depending on how overpowered I was.

If there was some kind of magic sword that sucked up people’s souls and made me a berserk killer, then I might change my plans and start being a bit more sociable. Pay a few friends a visit.

Royn had collected himself and was back to his fake-genial self. He strolled alongside us as we headed towards the main city gates. His men followed, discreetly scaring the shit out of everyone they passed.

As we got closer to the gates, the noise and general level of activity increased sharply. Just like the first day I had arrived, there was a serious amount of traffic coming in through the gate.

They were all headed towards an unloading area where there were numerous large warehouses. Cargo was quickly unloaded, papers signed, money exchanged, animals moved on. It was noisy, dusty and smelly.

Royn said something I couldn’t make out, and pointed. Through the haze I spotted a group of men on a raised platform. They had large books open on stands and were barking orders to the boys who would run up to them, and then hearing the order, immediately run back.

In the middle of this group of raised men was a more portly figure. He wasn’t wearing his toga today, but I could tell it was Malmur, overseeing events.

Malmur caught sight of Royn waving — how he did that through the dust I don’t know  — and climbed down a ladder on the side of the platform. He indicated for us to follow him to the nearest warehouse.

Once we got past the entrance, which was doorless and huge, the noise and dust-levels dropped considerably.

Malmur and Royn went into an instant huddle. Plotting my downfall, would be my first guess. Second guess would be that they were planning a surprise birthday party for me. As we all know, I am an eternal optimist.

Damicar sighed heavily. “This was supposed to be my future.”

I looked around. The warehouse we were in was like the one at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but with fewer ironic undertones.

“Nice,” I said. “Very roomy. You can never have too much storage space.”

“The guild,” said Damicar. “A supervisor, an administrator. Well paid, a job for life.”

Ah, the age-old story. The boy expected to carry on the family business who tried to escape his responsibilities. Everyone thinks less of what they have than what they don’t.

“I used to hate being around this,” he said.

“And now you don’t?”

“Now, it feels… like it doesn’t matter. Ever since I met you, the things that worried me seem less important.”

Possibly he was about to profess his love for me. If he asked me out to dinner, I would probably accept. Hey, he was a bloody good cook, and it’s nice to be wanted. But his demeanour wasn’t particularly romantic. It was more one of loss.

“This change of heart, did it happen after your place burned down?” I asked.

“Yes, I think that had something to do with it.”

I thought it had nothing to do with it. More likely, it was me getting rid of the note in the Municipal Directory. The last link to his dad. Malmur’s change had been immediate, but Damicar had taken longer to be affected. The change was as profound, though. He no longer felt trapped inside somebody else’s expectations.

Malmur and Royn came over.

“Royn tells me he’s loaning you one of his ships,” said Malmur.

At least this meant Royn planned to let us leave. What would happen once we were out on the open seas was another story.

“Yes,” I said. “We shouldn’t be gone too long.”

“Are you really an agent of the Golden God?” Malmur asked. It was a direct question that deserved a direct answer. Sadly, no one ever got what they deserved from me.

“Well, no, not exactly, I wouldn’t say agent.” An agent got ten percent, and my standard commission was fuck all. “I’ve met him, though, and he did ask for my assistance.” All true.

“Where did you meet him?” asked Malmur.

“Under the big temple.” Both he and Royn looked sceptical. “It wasn’t just us two. He had three other guys with him. Well, more like balls of light, really. I’m not sure what their names were.”

Malmur’s mouth had dropped open. “The old gods.”

Sincerity is surprisingly easy to fake. You just tell the truth. People are willing to believe any old crap if it’s true.

Malmur looked at Damicar. “You are sure about this?”

Damicar nodded resolutely.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to bring him back in one piece,” I said with confidence. If we died, we died, but if by some miracle we made it back, I wanted full credit.

Malmur gave Royn a nod. If they’d made some agreement concerning this, then I would probably find out what it was later. I hoped it involved ice cream cake.

Royn led us further into the warehouse. Men were pushing around wheeled pallets piled high with sacks and crates. More men rode on top, moving things between the pallets and the shelves as they whizzed past. It looked very precarious, the stacks wobbling as they were pushed around faster than seemed safe. They had that practised ease about them you see with men working on skyscrapers and dodgem cars, skipping about carelessly, inches from death.

At the back of the warehouse was a large opening that went down into the earth. More pallets were being pushed down this slope, released to be steered by the men on top, like box car racers.

An empty pallet rolled up, piloted by one of Royn’s men. We all climbed aboard and got pushed into the yawning tunnel mouth without further ado. There were no toilet facilities on board, which was a shame as I would have preferred to shit myself in private.

It was dark for the first part, which added a nice unknown element to the terror, and then we were on a downward trajectory down the side of a massive cavern. There was water glimmering below, reflecting light from somewhere.

And in the water were large ships, like galleons. They didn’t have sails or masts, but their hulls were enormous. Unless they had discovered steam power in the last couple of weeks, I didn’t see how they got them moving.

I was too busy holding on for dear life to spend time thinking about possible forms of propulsion. We careened around a number of impossible bends and were soon on a wooden dock filled with workers loading and unloading cargo. We slowed as the ground levelled off and stopped in front of a sleek ship, smaller than the others.

“Here we are,” said Royn. “Captain! Are you there?”

A man in a toga appeared on deck. I knew I recognised the whole toga thing from somewhere. It was what the Pope’s followers wore (although not quite in the revealing fashion Malmur’s wife insisted). It was the blond wig and heavy makeup that put the pieces together for me. The whole crew was made up of Shriners. Controlled by Joshaya, and caught somewhere between life and death.

“You told the Pope?” I asked Royn.

“You both work for the Golden God,” he said. “It seemed the best thing to do.”

Great. Joshaya knew where I was now. But it wasn’t all bad news. I’d been trying to think of a way to get past the islanders without dying, and now I had the ideal crew for the job. The islanders were going to have a hard time killing people who were already dead.

“Ahoy, Captain,” I said. “Permission to come aboard.”

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Catalogue
343: But Can You Do This?
342: Happy Endings
341: I Am What I Am
340: How Was It for You?
339: Nothing Holding Me Back
338: You Do That Hoodoo
337: Not All Heroes Wear Capes
336: Woke AF
335: Compartmentalise. Compartwomentalise and Compartchildrentalise, too
334: Adapt. Absorb. Assimilate.
333: On the Stump
332: The Popular Vote
331: New Model Army
330: Plenty More Fish in the Sea
329: Meat Is Murder
328: Voulez-Vous Trébuchet Avec Moi?
327: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
326: Marry in Haste, Repent at Leisure
325: Welcome to Shrine Island
324: Captain, My Captain
323: Half-Life 3 Confirmed
322: Expect the Unexpectable
321: Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area
320: Pacifist Run
319: Boss of This Gym
318: Second Prize in a Beauty Contest
317: Personal Allowance
316: Twisted Firestarter
315: A Good Quest Is Hard to Find
314: World's Greatest Solo Player
313: The Stupid Fat Face of Adveristy
312: Another Fish Mess
311: Death by Water Pistol
310: What a Time to be Alive!
Chapter 309: Don't Forget to Breathe
Chapter 308: Wizard Bitch
Chapter 307: The Older Woman
Chapter 306 - Paywall
Chapter 305: Further Beyond
Chapter 304: Sisters of No Mercy
Chapter 303: Shame on You
Chapter 302: There's No You in Team
Chapter 301: Cockblocula
Chapter 300: Indignation Remix
Chapter 299: Planning for the Future
Chapter 298: Never Prosper
Chapter 297: Lead Me Not into Temptation
Chapter 296: Be Nice to People on the Way Up
Chapter 295: Hold the Moan
Chapter 294: God of Wut?
Chapter 293: Freedom for All
Chapter 292: Losing My Edge
Chapter 291: Don't Hate the Player
Chapter 290: Vines of Communication
Chapter 289: Dead Gods and Englishmen
Chapter 288: Till Death Don't Us Part
Chapter 287: Show Before Tell
Chapter 286: The Unprincipled Certainty
Chapter 285: Dead Men Walking
Chapter 284: Fear of Flailing
Chapter 283: No Refunds
Chapter 282 : Church of Me
Chapter 281: Burnt Salad
Chapter 280: Feel the Fear and Druid Anyway
Chapter 279: Watching the Defectives
Chapter 278: A Man of Substance
Chapter 277: Every Cult Has a Silver Lining
Chapter 276: Born Again
Chapter 275: Never on a First Date
Chapter 274: Bad Sensei
Chapter 273: Pope Idol
Chapter 272: I Have the Power
Chapter 271: Underdog Now, Overlord Later
Chapter 270: WWJD?
Chapter 269: Chilling
Chapter 268: These Aren't the Druids You're Looking For
Chapter 267: Welcome to Gorgoth
Chapter 266: God Tier
Chapter 265: Land of the Setting Sun
Chapter 264: Colin-Fu is Leaking
Chapter 263: Childish Colino
Chapter 262: Cash Me Outside
Chapter 261: Grotto Life
Chapter 260: Too Few To Mention
Chapter 259: There Was an Attempt
Chapter 258: Party to a Lie
Chapter 257: Attention Please
256: Procrastination Agent
Chapter 255: Flags Flying High
Chapter 254 - Guardians of the Greenery
Chapter 253: Tilted
Chapter 252: The Touchables
Chapter 251: Chinny Chin Chin
Chapter 250: Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner
Chapter 249: Pest Control
Chapter 248: The Hero's Jenny
Chapter 247: On the Hook
Chapter 246: Eye on the Prize
Chapter 245: Battle of Five Armies (Part 2)
Chapter 244: Hanging by a Thread
Chapter 243: Beware My Power
Chapter 242: Blow by Blow
Chapter 241: Dark Side of the Brain
Chapter 240: Head Counsel
Chapter 239: Enemy Lines
Chapter 238: Dargot After Dark
Chapter 237: From a Great Height
236. Diamond in the Rough
Chapter 235: Gathering of the Clouds
Chapter 234: The Frenemy of My Frenemy
Chapter 233: The Hard Carry
Chapter 232: Bone to Pick
Chapter 231: Sonny Days, Laney Nights
Chapter 230: Elfen Lied
Chapter 229: Resistance Is Fruitful
Chapter 228: Faithless
Chapter 227: Killer Queen
Chapter 226: Gatekeeper
Chapter 225: Requbar Revival
Chapter 224: Silent But Dudley (Side Story)
Chapter 223: Rated, Baited, Delegated
Chapter 222: Colin Ascendant
Chapter 221: Beat the Retreat
Chapter 220: Battle of Five Armies (Part 1)
Chapter 219: Love's Labour Lost
Chapter 218: The Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 217: Dudley Wa Hooo!
Chapter 216: The Naked Ape
Chapter 215: When Two Girls Go To War
Chapter 214: Let Sleeping Dragons Lie
Chapter 213: The Easy Way Out
Chapter 212: Remember the Name
Chapter 211: Head Start
Chapter 210: Working Girl
Chapter 209: Down the Local
Chapter 208: Newkie State of Mind
Chapter 207: Together Again for the First Time
Chapter 206: Fantastic Four and a Half
Chapter 205: Choosing Sides
Chapter 204: Can't Make an Omelette
Chapter 203: Path of Most Resistance
Chapter 202: The Back Stabbers
Chapter 201: Girl Man and Rat Boy
Chapter 200: Never Go Back
Chapter 199: Notes from the Underground
Chapter 198: Ghosting
Chapter 197: Re: Slime
Chapter 196: King Killer Confessionals
Chapter 195: Ratopolis Now
Chapter 194: Duck Hunt
Chapter 193: Escapology
Chapter 192: Mr Sabotage
Chapter 191: Heart of Dimness
Chapter 190: Sonny With a Chance of Power
Chapter 189: Run Rat Run
Chapter 188: Girl Interrupted
Chapter 187: Two's Company
Chapter 186: A Terrible Rebel
Chapter 185: The Good Dungeon Guide
Chapter 184: Escort Service
Chapter 183: Welcome to Requbar
Chapter 182: Dragon and Off Again
Chapter 181: One Man Party
Chapter 180: Don't Talk To Me Or My Son Ever Again
Chapter 179: Yuqi In The Sky With Diamonds
Chapter 178: Out Of The Box
Chapter 177: Better The Devil You Know
Chapter 176: Roguelike
Chapter 175: The Long Way Home
Chapter 174: Betray You, Betray Me
Chapter 173: Martyr Dome
Chapter 172: In The Huddle
Chapter 171: A Winning Plan
Chapter 170: Free your Mind
Chapter 169: Dad Talk
Chapter 168: Sweep The Leg
Chapter 167: Square Peg
Chapter 166: A Bad Feeling
Chapter 165: Block Rocking Beats
Chapter 164: Treasured
Chapter 163: Walls Have Ears
Chapter 162: Saviour Of The Universe
Chapter 161: Welcome To Nekromel
Chapter 160: A New Hope
Chapter 159: Face Your Demons
Chapter 158: In It To Win It
Chapter 157: Galvanise
Chapter 156: Collision Course
Chapter 155: Manual Override
Chapter 154: Democracy Inaction
Chapter 153: Claire Knows It All
Chapter 152: Say Hello To My Little Friend
Chapter 151: Revolution Road
Chapter 150: Destiny Calling
Chapter 149: Forever? Forever, ever?
Chapter 148: Come Here Often?
Chapter 147: Back Once Again For The Renegade Master
Chapter 146: Yuqi Yuqi Yuqi
Chapter 145: The Disorient Express
Chapter 144: Plan Of Attack
Chapter 143: How To Make Fiends And Influence People
Chapter 142: All You Need Is Phil
Chapter 141: Born To Run
Chapter 140: Time Of Your Life
Chapter 139: Sorcerers Vs Warlocks
Chapter 138: Head In The Clouds
Chapter 137: Death From Above
Chapter 136: Lay Of The Land
Chapter 135: Jester Of Your Dreams
Chapter 134: One Up
Chapter 133: A Drop In The Ocean
Chapter 132: All At Sea
Chapter 131: The Only Girl In The World
Chapter 130: Here Comes The Bride
Chapter 129: Revelations
Chapter 128: Welcome Back
Chapter 127: Mask
Chapter 126: Room For Truth
Chapter 125: Face To Face
Chapter 124: Way Of The Beast
Chapter 123: My Dinner With Angry
Chapter 122: Sympathy For The Archfiend
Chapter 121: Castle In The Air
Chapter 120: King Worm
Chapter 119: The King Is Dead, Long Live The King
Chapter 118: Dragon Ball F
Chapter 117: Blast Off
Chapter 116: Follow The Leader
Chapter 115: Enola Gay
Chapter 114: Get Lucky
Chapter 113: Man Vs Wild
Chapter 112: Dog Day Afternoons
Chapter 111: Heroes Of Myth And Legend
Chapter 110: The Worm Turns
Chapter 109: Beware The Jabberwock
Chapter 108: Welcome To Monsterland
Chapter 107: Brassed Off
Chapter 106: Washed Up
Chapter 105: A Bridge Too Near
Chapter 104: Grief Encounters
Chapter 103: Tripping
Chapter 102: Chain Gang
Chapter 101: Colin of the F.O.
Chapter 100: Diplomatic Immunity
Chapter 99: She Afraid
Chapter 98: Walking Through Walls
Chapter 97: The Word Of God
Chapter 96: Blind Man's Bluff
Chapter 95: The Tao Of Colin
Chapter 94: Back To Mine
Chapter 93: Stone Cold
Chapter 92: The Waiting Game
Chapter 91: The Doctor Is In
Chapter 90: Assault On Pickled Gherkin
Chapter 89: Locked In
Chapter 88: The Flossie Show
Chapter 87: Kizwat's Silver Hammer
Chapter 86: Trouble In The City
Chapter 85: A Word Of Warning
Chapter 84: No Deal Or Deal
Chapter 83: Dinner With The Devil
Chapter 82: Welcome To Dargot
Chapter 81: Sunny Side Up
Chapter 80: Gutted
Chapter 79: Dungeons & Divas
Chapter 78: Troll-In-Chief
Chapter 77: Breakout
Chapter 76: Tunnels & Trolls
Chapter 75: Hope Versus Expectation
Chapter 74: Zomber, Please
Chapter 73: Night Of The Living Zombers
Chapter 72: The Mandy Project
Chapter 71: Lizard Blizzard
Chapter 70: Tin Man
Chapter 69: Trial By Fire
Chapter 68: Waiting For A Star To Fall
Chapter 67: Meet The Family
Chapter 66: Together Again
Chapter 65: Dudley Done Right
Chapter 64: Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
Chapter 63: Gone Fishin'
Chapter 62: Save The Frog
Chapter 61: Last One Out
Chapter 60: Sword Smarts
Chapter 59: Book Smarts
Chapter 58: A Wild Princess Appears
Chapter 57: By Royal Appointment
Chapter 56: Wait For It
Chapter 55: It's Nice To Be Wanted
Chapter 54: Win Lose Draw
Chapter 53: Frog Capture Plan
Chapter 52: Man On A Mission
Chapter 51: The Emporium Of Needs And Desires
Chapter 50: Welcome To Fengarad
Chapter 49: The Commander And The Princess
Chapter 48: Fengarad City Limits
Chapter 47: The Goodbye Girls
Chapter 46: Rogue Ogre
Chapter 45: Sword Art Offline
Chapter 44: Then A Hero Comes Along
Chapter 43: When You Got To Go
Chapter 42: There's No Such Thing
Chapter 41: The Farmer's Wife
Chapter 40: Needs Must
Chapter 39: Journey To The West
Chapter 38: Farewell To Probet
Chapter 37: Behind The Curtain
Chapter 36: Loot Roll
Chapter 35: Monster Hunter 2.0
Chapter 34: Teach Me, Master
Chapter 33: Monster Hunter 1.0
Chapter 32: Prepare To Fight
Chapter 31: A New Challenger Has Appeared
Chapter 30: Got To Catch 'Em All
Chapter 29: Into The Woods
Chapter 28: Choose Your Own Adventure
Chapter 27: Shrek 2
Chapter 26: Equipment Upgrade
Chapter 25: Let's Get Salty
Chapter 24: Good Hunting
Chapter 23: Then There Were Three
Chapter 22: A Gift From Prometheus
Chapter 21: May I Take Your Coat?
Chapter 20: Kill The Wabbit
Chapter 19: A Hunting We Will Go
Chapter 18: Lock And Load
Chapter 17: Not Excalibur
Chapter 16: Let's Make A Deal
Chapter 15: Walk On The Wild Side
Chapter 14: Game Plan
Chapter 13: Room For One More?
Chapter 12: Let's Eat
Chapter 11: Taking Stock
Chapter 10: Welcome To Probet
Chapter 9: Party Up
Chapter 8: Dressed To Impress
Chapter 7: Equip Weapon
Chapter 6: FAQ
Chapter 5: Player One Ready?
Chapter 4: Fight or Fight
Chapter 3: Welcoming Committee
Chapter 2: Breathe
Chapter 1: Where Are We?
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