I Shall Steal the Heavens 56 Chapter 55: Descent into insanity

I was mumbling something to myself, my words hoarse and incoherent.

"It's all my fault…"

Hanging my head, I sagged against my restraints.

"All because I exist…my very existence causes harm to other people. Just by existing, I cause others to suffer…I should just die. I don't deserve to live."

Why can't everything just end already?

"Somebody…just save me. Or…just kill me already…I beg of you…"

"How pathetic."

The ghostly figure of Master sat cross-legged in front of me, shaking his head as he glared at me in disapproval.

"No one's going to save you, you know? You can't rely on anyone except yourself."

"…"

"There's no one in this room except you. You've to do everything yourself. If all you do is wait, by the time someone finally comes to help you, you'll be long dead by then. You need to do something yourself, put in some effort from your end."

God helps those who help themselves. Or something like that?

"Maybe." Master shrugged.

Can't you help me?

"Me?" Master laughed. "What good would relying on me do? I'm just a figment of your imagination. I've long been dead. What do you expect me to do? Become a ghost and haunt that fucking bastard who tortured you?"

Better than nothing…

"Except that I'm not real. I'm just something your mind conjured up, you know? To prevent you from falling into insanity. You know as well as I do that your real master has passed on long ago, gone into the great wheel of reincarnation."

So what are you here for?

"To keep you company. You're going crazy from loneliness, you know that, right? Being locked up here, all alone except during the torture sessions. Your mind has already snapped, your spirit has already broke, and your heart is dead."

…

"But I guess the question is why. Why did you end up here? How?"

Because I exist.

"Surely you don't believe that." Master laughed and shook his head. "Now ignore that bullying bastard for a few moments. How do you end up in such a sorry state?"

…I got unlucky, I guess.

"Unlucky?" The phantom that was Master howled in laughter. "That's quite the understatement. Such terrible luck can't possibly befall anyone ordinary. You must have terrible karma…probably commit some sort of atrocities in your previous life or something. I guess you're paying for every sin you committed in all your previous lives in one go. Karma can be a bitch, right?"

That's…I don't know.

I had no idea what I did in my previous life, or if a previous life even existed. I wasn't a big fan of the reincarnation idea. I was more inclined toward the Christian notions of salvation, and worshipping a single God. While I wouldn't say I was completely monotheistic, I would happily devote myself to a single God.

A lot of good that did me.

"No, no, no. Don't turn this into a religious debate. I don't care what you believe in. It doesn't matter here."

Master tutted and shook his head.

"You blame bad luck. I guess it can't be helped. Even a neutral outsider could scarcely believe the sort of misfortune that has befallen you."

I said nothing. There was nothing to be said regarding that.

"But…you know, I don't believe that."

I glanced up at Master, surprised. He smiled scornfully and flicked a finger at my forehead.

"There's no such thing as luck." I never felt the flick. His finger seemed to vanish before it made any physical contact. That was right…this "Master" was not real. "Every situation is an event that is borne out of the interactions between countless circumstances. Like the butterfly effect. A butterfly flapping its wings somewhere would cost an air current that might blend in with the atmosphere, flow across the world and meld with a gigantic whirlwind elsewhere."

I was pretty sure that had been scientifically proven to be false…or something. I couldn't remember. My head hurt too much.

"The point is, regardless of the truth of that claim, is that you should be looking at the source of the situations. Who created these circumstances? What led to this outcome? Is it just luck alone?"

Master leaned closer and sighed disapprovingly.

"Don't you think every single instance of oppression is this world is caused by the victim's lack of strength?"

"…"

"If you were strong enough, would you have fallen to that psychotic bastard in defeat? If you had beaten him, would you have ended up here, tortured and toyed with by that maniac? No…all this is your fault. Your fault for being weak."

I know. I know that.

"No, you don't. You are vaguely aware of that fact, but you don't comprehend the true meaning behind it." Master tapped his temple. "Think about it a bit more. If you were stronger, if you were able to kill that murderous motherfucker, would you have been able to save the mother and child? Would you be able to prevent both of their deaths?"

That's…

"Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Ideals are amazing and beautiful, I'll admit that. But do you think reality will always go your way? Sometimes you've to abandon your ideals and confront reality. Kill or be killed. If you don't kill, you will be killed. If not you, then someone close to you. Like Hu Shi and her son…"

Master sighed dramatically.

"Ah~ Even though they nursed you back to health, gave you a bed to sleep in, and looked after you when you were about to die…this is how you repay them? By being so weak? By being so indecisive? Thanks to that, you ended up losing both of them."

There's no guarantee that the fucker would have spared the other's life even if I chose one. He's just toying with me. You saw that. You know that. Even if I chose the child, he would have killed both of them anyway, just to laugh at my misery.

"Oh, but you don't know that. You'll never know. All because you never tried. All you know for sure is that your decision…or the lack of it caused both of their deaths. This is the outcome, not of anything else, but your own weakness."

Shut up.

"Running away from the truth now? Can't deal with reality?"

I gritted my teeth. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

"Do you really want me to shut up and leave you alone here?"

Master's voice was soothing, almost kind. I gritted my teeth, tears rolling down my face when I found that I couldn't answer.

I…I…I…! I don't know…somebody…please…

"There's nobody here."

Dad…Mom…please…save me…

"Your parents aren't here either. It's your fault if they worry themselves to death, you know? Do you know how they'll feel when they learned that you've died a pitiful, dog's death here?" Master slapped his thighs as he roared in laughter. "I still remember the day you told them you wanted to enroll in Wu Ling Academy and become a martial artist. How's that working out for you?"

I…I…I wanted to be a martial artist…I…

"Yes, you did. And how does it feel? Being a martial artist?"

I…I…don't know…

"Are you even a martial artist?"

No…I failed.

"Yes, you failed. After assuring your parents that nothing bad would happen. Even after the incident in the abyss, you survived, pulled yourself back to the surface and proudly told your family that you had become stronger. You bragged about how you learned martial arts for the purpose of protecting your family. Even though you're just a weakling who's ignorant of how the world works. But who's going to protect them now that you're gone? And who's going to protect you?"

Nobody…

"That's right. Nobody. You can't rely on anyone these days. You've to do everything yourself. And to do that, you need to obtain the strength necessary to do everything yourself. Otherwise, it's all just talk. All that bragging will remain empty, hot air."

That's right…I'm too weak…I should never have said all those things. I…

"You disappointed your family. You let them all down. They'll be sad when they learn of your death, you know? And it's your fault for disappointing them. It's your fault for letting them down. It's your fault for dying off on your own and making them all sad."

But it can't be helped! I…!

"You what? Have to be a hero? You don't regret trying to help others? Look at yourself!"

Master rocked the chair. Or perhaps I did, but ascribed the motion to the illusion.

"What happened after your noble sacrifice? Is it worth it? Is it worth being a noble hero, just so you can suffer like this? You weren't even their intended targets to begin with. You just took the place of the true victims. What are you, Jesus Christ? You don't mind suffering in their place? Don't make me laugh. I know you're not a saint who believe in that sort of BS."

I…I don't regret it. I don't…

"Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that."

I…all of this happened because I was too weak.

"Correct. But even though you know that you're weak, why did you have to go play the hero?"

….that's right. Why am I suffering even though I did the right thing? Why am I being punished for being a hero? God, this is so unfair. Why are the Heavens punishing me and torturing me when I'm merely doing what is right?

What's the point of doing the right thing if I get punished for it? What's the point of being a hero if I get punished for it?

If that's the case, then I should have just left them to their fate and escape by myself. It's not that I expect to be rewarded for being a hero, for doing the right thing…but this is ridiculous. If I'm going to get punished for doing the right thing then what's the point? I don't care about benefits, but if I suffer for being a hero, then what's the point?

"Yes. There's no point being a hero if you're weak. You won't save anyone, least of all yourself. You should treasure yourself more. Your family…they wouldn't care about the people you saved. They care more about you."

I should live for them…for my family…so that they won't worry, so that they can set their hearts at ease…

"Even if it means leaving other people to die?"

Who cares about other people? I can't even save myself. If they can't save themselves, what right do they have to rely on others to save them?

"Great power comes with responsibility. It seems that you're misunderstanding something." Master leaned closer, dropping his voice into a whisper. "I'm not saying it's wrong to be a hero. I'm not saying you can't save others…that you're wrong in saving others. But…"

But what?

"There are times where you have to protect something at the cost of something else. Nothing in this world is free, you know? If you want something, you've to put in the time and effort into obtaining it. It's the same logic everywhere. It's not the matter of you turning into an edgelord and spouting nonsense about letting the world die. No, no, I'm not asking you to become a selfish asshole who only put your own desires first."

Master shook his head and then gestured toward the door.

"After all, if you do that, then you won't be any different from those two bastards who tortured you and put you in your current sorry state, would you?"

Then what are you asking me?

"Simple. Think about it. The reason why you're here isn't because you chose to save the villagers. The reason you're here isn't because you wanted to be a hero. It's much simpler than that. There's no problem being a hero and saving other people if you possess the strength to do so. If you were strong enough, everything would be fine, wouldn't it? The people you saved would be happy, the bad guys would be defeated and arrested…or even killed so that they would never be able to commit atrocities ever again…and you'll be praised as a hero. And rewarded."

…

"You're not being punished for doing the right thing. You're not punished for being a hero. You're punished merely because you're weak. That's all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a hero. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing the right thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to save people. What's wrong is that you tried to save people even though you were too weak. You didn't have the strength to be a hero, yet you tried to do so and fell short. You're being punished for overestimating yourself, for not knowing your limits. For losing to a bastard like Ba Yun."

I…

"But are you okay with that, though? Just because he's strong and you're weak, is it all right for him to do whatever he wants to you? Are you going to let him get away with this? Are you going to prove him right, that strength is everything, and the strong can do whatever they want? What about your values? I thought you strongly believe that power comes with responsibility, and that everyone has a social obligation to each other? Are you going to let that ideal crumble in the face of overwhelming strength and villainy?"

No…I can't forgive them. I can't forgive that bastard Ba Yun for torturing me. For playing around with people's lives and murdering them so casually. I can't forgive the demonic sect…the Chinese Parasol Tree Sect that he's part of, for…abducting people and treating them as livestock, sacrificing them just so they can get more strength.

I can't forgive any of them.

"That's right. If the Chinese Parasol Tree Sect gains any more power, they will soon invade the rich cities of the great Zhou Empire. They'll overwhelm the military forces stationed here. They'll sweep across the streets, abducting innocents and growing their pile of sacrifices so that they can continue their demonic cultivation."

I can't let that happen.

"That's right. You can't. Because if it does…your precious family…your Dad and Mom, your brother Fei Ji, all your friends at Wu Ling Academy…they will end up like that mother and son pair, like Hu Shi and Hu Hai."

I won't let that happen.

I gritted my teeth even as tears rolled down my face.

Not just Chinese Parasol Tree Sect…anyone who dares threaten the safety of my family…the wellbeing of my friends…I'll crush them all.

"Yes. That's what it means to be a hero. You can't save everyone. You can only save the victims. And to save the victims, you've to kill the villains attacking the victims. You know as well as I do that such human trash will remain trash forever. They'll never reform their ways. You let Qi Fu Ren go, you let him live. And what happened? He sought revenge. He's partially responsible for your current predicament. And he's participating in the massacre of innocents. Now…if you did the right thing and killed him when you had the chance…in that official match long ago, wouldn't you have saved many of the villagers' lives? Wouldn't you be able to avoid this fate of being captured alive and tortured like this? All this was because you weren't ruthless enough."

That's…

"True. You know that you can't deny it."

I couldn't muster a response to that. I clenched my fists and tried to pull at the cuffs that bound me to the chair, but it didn't give.

So what? I asked bitterly. All this self-reflection is useless now. It's too late. There's nothing I can do.

"Really?"

Master leaned to peer at me closely, then he jabbed a finger into my face.

"You're still breathing. You're still alive. You're not dead yet. Why wouldn't you be able to change your fate?"

How?

"What do you mean how? Why did you learn the strongest martial arts technique in history, Heaven and Earth Formula? For what reason did I personally teach you? What's the use of learning Heaven and Earth Formula if you're not going to use it?"

How do I use it in this situation?

"You expect me to give you all the answers or something?" Master scoffed. "Can't you think for yourself for one second? If you've truly put in the effort to learn Heaven and Earth Formula properly, instead of merely going through the motions, then shouldn't you be able to figure out the answers on your own? You have a brain. Use it, boy!"

I tried, but couldn't think of anything. Maser, upon seeing my exhausted expression of resignation, sighed exaggeratedly.

"Look, you've the Hellfire Badger's immunity to venom. Heaven and Earth Formula also grants you unparalleled immunity to poisons. The Hellfire toxin no longer has any effects on you and your qi is no longer suppressed."

So what? Even without the suppressants, I'm still no match for that bastard Ba Yun or even that fucker, Qi Fu Ren.

"You've learned the most powerful martial art in history, Heaven and Earth Formula. Are you telling me you're going to lose to a second-rate demonic sect martial artist?"

I already lost to him.

"So you're going to keep losing to him? You don't want revenge? You're going to just let him get away with torturing you like this?"

Then what can I do?

"Goddammit, I told you to use your brain and think for yourself! You have tools at your disposal. You have Heaven and Earth Formula! Don't just spend your time moping on that bloody chair feeling sorry for yourself! Review the lessons I taught you! Review and revise and remember what Heaven and Earth Formula can do!"

…Heaven and Earth Absorption…

"That's right! Absorb qi from your surroundings. Purify your qi. Don't stop doing that. If you keep doing that, you'll be able to grow stronger and finally get enough strength to overpower even that psychotic bastard!"

It won't be enough. And I can't store and integrate the surrounding natural qi into my innate qi. It won't be enough…

"Is the surrounding qi the only thing that's available to you?"

That statement caused me to stop and sit up straight. What was that supposed to mean? What else was there available to me…?

Ah...

That was right. Heaven and Earth Absorption allowed me to absorb qi not just from the surroundings but also from living things. I had experimented and succeeded in absorbing qi from living creatures and plants. It was not ideal, and it took me a lot of time, but time was something I had in frightening abundance.

As for living things…

I felt the revulsion rise to my throat when something squirmed and crawled under my skin. The larvae had grown, had expanded and were threatening to break out of my flesh and body anytime soon. If I didn't do anything, that is.

I see…so that's how it is…

"That's right. You've learned this pretty well in Sen Lin Forest, haven't you?" Master chuckled as he sat down in front of me and gave me an indulgent look. "The strong eat the weak. The survival of the fittest. Eat or be eaten. In order to survive, you hunted magical beasts and demonic creatures and feasted on them. Otherwise you would be the one eaten by them instead. Isn't that the same here?"

…yeah.

"These Parasitic Wasp larvae have been feeding off you, draining nutrients and qi from your body to nourish themselves. So why can't you do that to them in return? Since they're feeding off you, it's only natural that you feed off them in return."

Eat or be eaten…

"That's the way martial arts work too, isn't it? Defeat your foe and grow stronger…or get defeated by your foe and die. How do you think the top martial artists reach the peak of their fields? By climbing atop the bodies of the defeated, of course."

The Parasitic Wasp larvae are just another enemy…another opponent to defeat…

"That's right," Master agreed enthusiastically. "Defeat the enemy in front of you right now. I know you're harboring intense hatred for that psychotic bastard who did this to you, but you've to deal with the current obstacle first. Only when you've surpassed this enemy can you start planning your revenge."

Something wriggled under my skin again. I shut my eyes and bit my teeth to clamp down on my revulsion.

I've to do this. In order to survive. In order to grow strong.

It doesn't matter who the enemy is. I'll ascend to the top by climbing atop whatever foe who dares get in my way. I'll do whatever it takes to survive, and then get my revenge on Ba Yun and Qi Fu Ren.

I can't forgive them. I won't let either of them get away with this.

I'll kill them.

But first I'll kill these fucking pests who think they can use my body as food.

Taking a deep breath, I began to execute the process of Heaven and Earth Absorption. Closing my eyes, I reached out with my senses and gently drew the qi from the foreign, invasive organisms that were leeching off my body, and then reversed the flow of qi.

I had been sustaining these larvae, albeit involuntarily, for days now. Now it was their turn to serve as my sustenance.

Chapter end