I Shall Steal the Heavens 54 Chapter 53: Inner dialogue

I felt someone roughly slap my swollen cheek, brutally yanking me back into harsh reality. Blinking the comfortable darkness away, I looked up and stared at a sneering Ba Yun. When he saw my eyes opened, he grinned.

"Goodness, you really like to sleep, don't you?"

I said nothing.

"That won't do. It's already the next day. We need to start business again."

"…"

"Say something, won't you?"

Ba Yun struck me. I felt something squirm beneath my skin, the part where Ba Yun hit me, and felt revolted. Disgusted. Terrified. Sick to my stomach. But as nauseous as I was, I had nothing to throw up.

Ba Yun had not been feeding me. From time to time, he had splashed enough water on me – not enough to hydrate me, but just enough to keep me alive. Thanks to that, I was running on pretty much empty.

Shaking his head, Ba Yun placed a thumbscrew on my thumb. I didn't even flinch, didn't react as he tightened the screw, and blood burst from my ruptured flesh. Something writhed and died underneath the flesh, but I hardly felt the sensation. Or I did, but after having experienced through Hell, my mind only vaguely registered the pain.

Pain was something I had become overly familiar with, to the point that it no longer shocked or forced a response out of me.

Ba Yun looked disappointed, and he took out another fingerscrew and placed on my index finger this time. The raw skin, still exposed to air after having my newly grown nail ripped out for a second time, stung, but like I said, it barely elicited a response from me anymore.

"You know…I was once like you."

Ba Yun was muttering something as he got to work. I vaguely listened to him, half-paying attention because there was nothing else I could do.

"I was also captured…by a terrible bastard."

Like I care.

"It may surprise you, but this bastard is someone from the so-called orthodox sects…part of the so-called justice-preserving Martial Arts Alliance."

Well, of course. While I wouldn't be surprised if the culprit turned out to be another rogue martial artist from a demonic sect, it made sense that a member from one of the orthodox sects would capture a demonic sect member.

"You see, he captured me on the pretense of interrogation. He justified to the higher-ups that his interrogation was necessary." Ba Yun barked out in harsh, guttural laughter. "It was for the sake of obtaining information on the demonic sects, he claimed. The higher-ups in the Martial Arts Alliance, those so-called paragons of virtue and justice, they knew. They knew the truth, of course. But none of them objected to it. They closed their eyes and let the atrocities happen in front of them. You can ask your beloved principal if you don't believe me."

Xiao Zhang was not my beloved principal. And I believed him. Having been a historian in my previous life, I was highly aware that the so-called good guys were often not as untainted and spotless as they made themselves out to be.

History was written by the winners, after all. And as much as they could try to deny it. Even the winners carried out unsavory acts of unspeakable violence, sometimes against their own citizens, in the name of war.

"…"

Ba Yun glanced at me, slightly disappointed that I showed no response to his dialogue whatsoever. He sighed and shook his head, deciding to push forward with his self-pitying narrative. I only felt sick listening to his voice.

"The hellfire toxin I used to suppress your qi…that's something I learned from him, you know? Thinking back, I guess it was necessary for an interrogator to have one. It was necessary if you want to keep a life prisoner without killing him. After all, most martial artists would be able to break free from their restraints and escape if you don't suppress their qi."

"…"

"So this man, you see, was a demonic liar under the guise of an orthodox sect member. Perhaps they all are. Hypocrites, every last one of them. All spouting crap about justice and honor and virtue, but inside they're the same as us. At least we're not delusional enough to lie to ourselves about our true nature."

You might be rotten inside, but don't put me in the same boat as you. While I wasn't spouting platitudes about justice and honor, I at least thought myself as a decent person who wouldn't hurt anyone for no reason if they didn't provoke me.

"So this guy, under the justification of gathering intelligence, used the hellfire toxin on me. And then he tortured me. For the good of the people, or the good of the Martial Arts Alliance, or so he claimed. He would rip my fingernails out, screw my thumbs and fingers, beat me until I lost consciousness, dunk my head in water…"

Ba Yun paused, a sour expression on his face. Then he shook his head.

"Ah…the memories. Even now, I still shudder when I recall the things he put me through."

He then placed his arm around my shoulders, dropping his voice into a soothing whisper as he lowered his mouth toward my ear.

"Most of the things I'm doing to you now…I learned from him. A so-called orthodox sect member. A warrior of justice from the Martial Arts Alliance. Makes you laugh when you think about it, don't you? It's evil when we do it, but it's good when they do it."

I said nothing. I had never thought of myself as someone from an orthodox sect. In fact, now that I thought about it, I was probably closer to Ba Yun than I was to Teacher Jiao or Zhu Jiao or anyone in my school. My master was the Heavenly Destroyer Tian Mo, the tyrannical Absolute One whose reign of terror as the sect leader of the Heaven and Earth Sect struck fears into everyone's hearts. I was the successor of a demonic sect, and held the Golden Dragon Medallion, the evidence that I would be the next leader of the now defunct sect.

Assuming I intended to restore the Heaven and Earth Sect to its former glory, of course.

Obviously, Ba Yun didn't know that. If he was attempting to sway me over to the demonic way, he probably would be disappointed. Yet ironically, I would probably be considered as someone who was already a cultivator of the demonic way.

"But I'm still grateful to him, you know?"

"…"

Ba Yun chuckled. I continued to hold my silence.

"It was this man who taught me the truth of the universe. He taught me how the world works. It was through him that I finally understood the workings of reality." Ba Yun had stepped in front to pace about, but he stopped and visited a grin upon me. "Something that I will be teaching you too."

Not interested.

"The strong rules over the weak. It's useless to talk about justice and virtue and honor if you don't have the strength to back yourself up. No, no…in fact, it's the strong who decides how to define justice and honor. No matter the world, the weak will always be fodder for the strong. The strong will always dictate the workings of the world."

There was so much bullshit in his statement I didn't even know where to begin. On the other hand, he did have a point. The whole reason why I ended up being tortured as his prisoner was because I was weaker than him. Without the strength to fight back against Ba Yun's tyranny and brutality, I could only be a victim.

All these values and platitudes about justice were useless if they were just words. Ba Yun was partially right that I needed strength if I wanted to enforce those values.

However, power was only part of the equation. Great power came with responsibility. Ba Yun was ascendant now because he was strong, but his tyranny would prove to be his downfall. No matter the history, no tyrant stayed at the top through sheer strength and brute violence forever. His oppressive ways and harsh rule would make him enemies, who would slowly hide in the shadows and wait for their chance to pounce. Furthermore, he would be alone. There was strength in unity, power in the collective. Push them hard enough, and even the farmers would take up arms one day and overwhelm a supposedly technologically advanced foe with sheer numbers. That was the whole point of revolutions. The proletariats would overthrow the bourgeois. The citizens would overthrow the king and execute him, just like during the French Revolution. Strength was meaningless if you monopolized it and neglected the feelings of the collective.

Furthermore, no man was an island. Soldiers, no matter how strong and powerful they were, still needed to rely on the farmers to survive. Without the supposedly weaker farmers, they would have no food to eat. It made no sense for soldiers to oppress the very people who were providing them the basic sustenance for survival.

Of course, that was just a simplification, and throughout history, farmers had always been oppressed. But similarly, throughout history, farmers had also fought back and resisted, revolutions of the lower class had succeeded, nobility and royalties had been toppled by commoners. Power was always in flux. To claim that one could do anything he or she wanted just because he or she had the power was the height of folly and ignorance. The world was made up of a complex web of interdependent relationships. Trying to dominate over the weak was a surefire way to collapse in future. As they said, pride always came before a fall.

Strength wasn't everything.

Unfortunately, I was in no condition to debate or give Ba Yun a piece of my mind. And I was under no obligation to convince him. So I just remained silent as I always had, not even letting slip a groan of pain as he tightened another screw around my right middle finger and drenching the broken appendage with blood.

"…"

Ba Yun regarded me for a moment, seemingly disappointed by my indifference and complete lack of response. Shaking his head, he continued to pace about in front of me again, waving his hands dramatically.

"And thanks to that lesson, I became the man I am today."

He turned around and folded his arms proudly as he grinned at me. I didn't even bother to look up at him.

"One day…one day he forgot to give me the suppressant. He forgot to inject me with the hellfire toxin. And that was my chance. I recovered my qi. And I demonstrated the lesson he taught me. I broke free of my restraints, overpowered him and made him my prisoner. I turned the tables in him and completely reversed our positions."

Ba Yun threw his head back and laughed. I listened disinterestedly.

"It was my turn to interrogate him. My turn to experiment on him…to use all the devices he used on me on him. It was my turn to enjoy his suffering, to watch him howl in pain as I broke his fingers, toes and limbs with the very tools he used on me. It was fun to see how the former torturer reacted to being tortured."

"…"

"And in the end…I devoured him. Not literally, of course. I sucked him of his qi. He was asking me about the methods and techniques that the demonic sects used, and I was more than happy to personally demonstrate it for him."

Good for you. I'm sure he must have enjoyed the demonstration, especially since he got to experience it firsthand.

"But that's another valuable lesson he taught me, you see." Ba Yun leered at me. "I won't make the same mistake as he did. I won't forget to administer the suppressant."

He rammed the needle in my eye. I twitched and flailed about in instinct, but by now my body had gotten acclimatized to the pain, so I didn't howl as I did during the first week or so. If Ba Yun was disappointed by the lack of my response, he didn't say anything. After pumping the drug into my veins, he removed the needle and scrutinized me.

"I won't lower my guard around you, I won't give you a chance to escape. So if you were planning on lying low to get me to lower my guard, if you're harboring any sort of hope that you'll find an opening to exploit…give up."

The bastard was trying to drown in my despair. He was trying to suck whatever little hope I had remaining in my heart, and shove me down deeper into despair. He wanted me to break down, to give off some sort of reaction. Anything.

Useless. My spirit had broken down long ago, after he broke my body. My mind had hollowed up and I had never entertained the notion of hope or toyed with the idea of escaping. Even as the Parasitic Wasp larvae burrowed and shifted revoltingly beneath my skin, the only thought I had was death.

I was merely awaiting death. Waiting to die. Only in death would the pain and torment end. Revenge no longer occurred to me. I just wanted the agony to come to an end. That was honestly the only thing that occupied my hollow mind right now.

Ba Yun's lips curled in disgust and he cuffed me at the back of my head, causing blood to flow out from ruptured flesh. I jerked and toppled over from my seat, only for the rough leather straps to restrain me and keep me in place.

"…"

Even after the blow, I said nothing. The pain he caused with physical violence was nothing compared to the pain that was squirming and burrowing underneath my skin, rustling within my organs and feeding off me.

"Hah…"

Ba Yun sighed and turned away, grumbling under his breath.

"You're a lot more tenacious than I thought. No one has ever lasted this long…I thought you would be begging me for death, weeping and crying, blabbering and blubbering incoherently. But even at this stage, you continue to defy me with your silence."

"…"

Beg you for death? What was the point? I knew he wouldn't grant me that release. If anything, he would laugh and deliberately extend my suffering for as long as he could. By now, I would have to be mentally retarded if I still didn't realize just how sadistic he was – and precisely because of that, he was extremely predictable.

"Fuck!"

Growling in rage, Ba Yun cuffed me across the back of my head and I lost consciousness again, eagerly welcoming the warm, comfortable darkness that ferried me away from the excruciating agony of physical reality.

*

"How pathetic."

Raising my head, I saw Master sitting right in front of me. Blinking, I glanced around and was disappointed to see that I was still in the torture room. The same vast space, unending emptiness, splotches of dried blood and the accursed table of torture devices next to my chair. Unsurprisingly, I was still strapped to the chair.

"…"

I wasn't dead.

"No, you're not dead. Yet."

Master confirmed, and then he rose from his feet and glared at me reproachfully, with his hands on his hips.

"…then…you must be a hallucination."

"What I am isn't important," the ghostly figure that resembled Master snapped. "More importantly, are you okay with this? Are you all right with dying a dog's death like this? Are you going to let that bastard get away with this?"

I stared at him wearily, drained both physically and mentally.

"What do you expect me to do? I can't do anything. I'm too weak, and he's too strong. He even has me drugged."

"Drugged? Are you joking? With this level of toxins? Don't fuck with me!" Master snarled furiously. "What did you learn Heaven and Earth Formula for? Heaven and Earth Formula is supposed to render you immune to all poisons. It might take some time, but you should already be adapting to the toxins. Not to mention, you absorb that anti-venom quality of the Hellfire Badger in Sen Lin Forest. Your body should have developed the antibodies against the Hellfire toxins long ago!"

"So what?" I asked bitterly. "Even if I get my qi back, I'm no match for him. That fucker is too strong, and I'm too weak. Moreover, I'm finished. I can feel the Parasitic Wasp larvae squirming inside me. I don't have long to live…they'll tear me open from the inside out soon."

Master sighed exaggeratedly.

"For what reason did I teach you the Heaven and Earth Formula? I had high hopes of you, you know? I had dreams of you becoming the strongest. I was expecting you to restore and revive the Heaven and Earth Sect and bring us back to our former glory."

"That was all you," I grumbled sourly. "I never asked for any of that. I never wished to do any of that. Don't selfishly push all your personal desires and expectations on me, then go and get disappointed on your own."

Master stared at me. At this point, I was tired, so very tired of suffering, so very tired of living. I didn't care if he disapproved of me. I didn't care if he thought I was pathetic. I just wanted everything to end.

"You…for what reason did you want to be a martial artist?"

"…eh?"

Wasn't that obvious?

"Because I want to be strong?"

Master burst out laughing when he heard my response.

"That's the wish of every young man, isn't it? To become strong. But why do you want to be strong?"

"That's…"

The answer came to me so naturally, but now that I thought about, I realized I hadn't actually considered the reason behind it very deeply.

"Isn't it like you said, it's the wish of every young man to want to be strong?"

"But why does every young man wish to be strong?" Master persisted. Scrunching up my face, I thought about it.

"Pride, I guess?"

"So, do you feel proud of yourself right now?"

"That's…"

I lowered my head.

"Any other reasons? Is it just to fuel your ego?" Master's tone was harsh and condescending. I hesitated, but forced my sluggish mind to process the question a little more deeply. "Why is being strong something to be proud of in the first place? So that you can show off? So that you can win the hearts of beautiful girls? For such shallow reasons?"

"…to protect others. To protect the innocent. To protect my family from those who would seek to harm them."

"Now we're getting somewhere." Master nodded, satisfied. "So, how's that working out for you? Did you succeed?"

"What do you think?" I retorted bitterly. "I'm the one who needs protection now."

"I won't deny that…but if I were to reframe the question…do you regret trying to protect others?"

"…huh?"

Taken aback by the sudden change in question, I looked at Master in bewilderment.

"No…I think."

"Really?"

"…really."

"Even though that's what led you to this mess?"

"What do you mean?" I demanded, confused. "I…"

Master sighed exaggeratedly and shook his head. "Has the torture addled your brains? Do you not remember? The whole reason you got into this mess and ended up being tortured in the first place was because you attempted to be a hero."

"I…tried to be a hero?"

Puzzled, I stared at Master, unable to digest his words. I tried to think a bit more, but my mind refused to work. Master sighed again, his patience wearing thin.

"Did you lose all your memories from the shock and pain? Well, I guess I can't blame you. Think back…why did you get captured by this sadistic bastard in the first place?"

"…because I was weaker than him, and he defeated me."

"No, not that!" Master groaned as he buried his face in his palm. "Think back a bit further. Why did you even bother to fight an opponent stronger than you in the first place?"

"I…"

Then I remembered. Lu Shun and the villagers. Old Man Yi. How they were fleeing desperately before the advance of the Chinese Parasol Tree Sect as the rogue martial artists slaughtered and massacred the innocent villagers.

"Ah…"

So that was why. I wanted to save them. I wanted to protect the innocent villagers from the heinous, brutal demonic martial artists. I wanted to save them from the dreadful fates that awaited them should they fall into their hands.

Master nodded with a smile when he saw the light of those memories return to my eyes. Folding his arms, he stared at me.

"That's right. So you do remember."

"Yes."

With a devious smile, Master raised a finger.

"Then another question." His smile widened ominously. "Even after knowing the outcome, even with the benefit of hindsight and knowing that this sort of hellish fate and torture awaited you, would you have still made the same choice and stand against these bastards in order to save the villagers? Or would you perhaps have chosen differently?" he lowered his voice conspiratorially. "After all the suffering you've been through, do you regret your decision right now?"

I closed my eyes. I wasn't a saint, so I would be lying if I said I had no reservations making the same decision without a second thought. And truthfully, I did feel a slight sense of regret and trepidation. If I had known that such an awful fate awaited me, would I still make the same decision? Or would I have fled on my own, leaving the villagers to their demise?

In the first place, why am I sacrificing myself for their sakes? They aren't family, we weren't even that close. And whatever debt I feel I owe them, I've paid them several times over. I hunted Wild Boars to feed them over the winter, didn't I?

Then why? Why should I be obligated to save them? Why should I be the one suffering in their stead?

Why was I stupid enough to ever want to be a hero? When I clearly am not one? When I'm just a normal, ordinary guy without any talent for martial arts?

Even then…

"No. I would not have changed my decision."

That was my answer.

"Having gone through this hellish pain…I would feel guilty if I allow anyone to suffer through this in my stead." I snorted at my stupidity. "…I will be lying if I said I don't feel a little regret, and I probably would waver if it actually happened. But the deed has been done, and I've already suffered. It's too late to regret and think about what-ifs. There's no point blaming others for my decision and wishing I could have changed it. I can only look ahead…"

No. there was nothing waiting ahead of me.

"…it won't be much long until my death, until my suffering ends."

How ironic. I was being punished for being a hero, for trying to be a good guy. Meanwhile these evil bastards got away with whatever atrocities them committed. It was unfair. Life was so unfair. Reality was harsh. Though, I shouldn't say I was surprised. In the real world, the good guys didn't always win and the bad guys didn't always lose.

"It's not over yet."

I barked out in harsh laughter at Master's statement. It sounded incredibly naïve to my jaded ears. "Really? Then how am I supposed to end this?"

"Fight back. Retaliate. If someone hits you, hit him back until he is no longer able to hit you. It's that simple."

"No, it's not!" I snapped irritably. "The opponent is very much stronger than me. It doesn't matter what Heaven and Earth Formula I learned. It's not enough. Fine, it's my fault for being unable to learn or master it, but at this point, I don't have the ability to fight back."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't!" I glared at Master, who remained impassive. The bloody geezer was asking for the impossible. "You should have seen how much stronger that fucker is than I am! How much weaker I am! I'm totally no match for him at all!"

Master sighed and shook his head.

"What's the purpose of martial arts?"

"To learn how to fight…for self-defense."

"Yes. But what's the principle behind martial arts?" Master narrowed his eyes. "Why do people bother to learn martial arts? If you're stronger, then why do you need to learn martial arts for? Couldn't you already overpower your opponent with superior strength?"

"That's…"

Then I understood Master's question.

"For the weak to fight back against the strong."

Master nodded. "Very good. So you know the answer after all." Then his voice grew sharp. "Then why are you still whining about your opponent being stronger than you? About you being weaker than him? Isn't that why you learn martial arts in the first place? To overcome that difference in strength? What's the point of learning martial arts if you only fight opponents weaker than you? Anyone can beat a weaker opponent, even without martial arts."

"I…" Swallowing, I found myself unable to refute Master's logic. My shoulders sagging, I leaned against the chair. Something squirmed uncomfortably beneath my skin. And then in another spot. Suppressing a shudder, I looked at Master imploringly. "Even so, it's too late for me. That bastard has implanted parasites all over my body."

"So what? Use that to your advantage."

"…? How?"

I stared at Master, bewildered. Master merely smiled, but gave away nothing more than a hint.

"Parasites are living things. Now, think back among your Heaven and Earth techniques. Which of them are applicable to your current situation? Which one would be the most useful in your current circumstances?"

"…I don't know."

"That's your homework then." Master wagged a finger at me. "I'm not going to give you all the answers. Think about it on your own."

"But…" I protested, but Master was having none of it.

"Homework," he repeated firmly. "I can't always be around to tell you what to do. Hell…" he grinned. "I might not even be real. There's no guarantee that I'm not anything more than a figment of your guarantee. So I won't always be around to guide you. You've to start standing on your own two feet and figuring out solutions on your own."

"That's…"

"And besides, time's up."

"Eh…?"

I stared at Master, baffled by his sudden statement. He was standing up and walking away, almost as if he was vanishing into thin air.

"It seems that your host has returned. I'll see you later…if you survive whatever he has planned for you next."

"W…wait!"

"Fei Wu."

The door creaked open, and the vanishing visage of Master was replaced by the dreadful and very real figure of Ba Yun. I closed my eyes and lowered my head, once again withdrawing into some dark corner of my mind to seek refuge from today's torture.

Unfortunately, this time, there was nowhere for me to run to.

Chapter end