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Kyle distanced himself and my hands subconsciously relaxed . I wasn't afraid of Kyle, but out of habit I was wary whenever I was alone .
Kyle seemed to notice . He took an extra step back, looking guilty . "Jake . . . "
"Sorry . . . " I told him, wiping the sweat from my hands onto my shirt, trying to be discreet . "I'm not scared of you . "
Embarrasment and guilt were clearly visble on his face . "I wouldn't be surprised if you were scared of me . I haven't been myself this past month . "
I nodded slowly . "I know . "
He grimaced . "It must be terribly obvious if even you noticed . "
I cracked a smile at the joke . Feeling awkward about standing, I pointed to the steps . "Do you want to sit down?"
"Yea, that'll be better . " He sat down first .
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I sat down on the other end, just keeping some space .
He spent some time just staring at their fake backstop that can tell how fast they throw . I waited patiently .
"I want to be the best pitcher out there . " Kyle stated suddenly . "I want to be better than Dave . Better than Garret . The best in the county and in state . "
Unsure of what that had to do with me, I continued to sit in silence .
"I've been mad this past month . With my performance . With Coach not choosing me in the finals . It hurt, it really hurt . " He grimaced . "And I lashed out . Not just on you, but on Dave too . I shouldn't be so jealous of my twin, I should support him too . I'm his brother before being his competitor . " He glanced at me . "Same with us . "
I blinked, confused . "I'm not a pitcher . . . "
"But you're great . Amazing . Your talent exceeds everyone on the team . Even Zeke . So even though you aren't a pitcher, I was jealous and angry . Jealous of what I didn't have . And then angry because it seemed like everyone around me had some kind of talent that exceeded mine . That's why I'm so intent on getting to that pitching camp this summer . I need to distanced myself from everyone else . Stand out in the crowd . "
"You know . . . " I cleared my throat . "You're not alone . In that feeling that you're behind . "
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"It's different for you, Jake . You never played any games before yet we're on the same team . We've had different starting points, yet you're already on my level . " He shook his head . "No, you're above me . You crushed me during your tryout and made me feel inferior . I feel . . . since then I've been kind of on edge . But then, I had that perfect game and it helped my self confidence . "
I held out a hand to try and interrupt . "I meant, everyone feels that way sometimes . Like they're falling behind . " I pulled my knees a little closer, hugging them to my chest . "I still feel that way, not just when it comes to baseball . I can only hit . Everything else . . . I feel embarrassed . " I paused for a second . "I still struggle . With strangers, speaking up, talking to classmates . The list is endless . "
He sighed . "That just makes me feel worse . Your problems are so much more than mine . You've dealt with abuse and I'm crying over not pitching in the finals . " He covered his eyes . "I'm such a baby . "
I frowned . "That doesn't make your problems invalid . You can't compare our struggles . " I thought about it . "When I said everyone feels behind, I wasn't being vague . Noah . . . he feels like he needs to catch up to you guys a lot . The way he looks up to you guys and sees you three as his goal, it makes me a little sad . For him . He can't see how close he is . And then there's Dave . When he was injured, he struggled too . "
Kyle uncovered his eyes and looked at me . "Wow . You're more perceptive than I thought . " He cracked a smile . "I had a talk with Dave when I first got back . He's been my best friend since birth, but I haven't been acting like it lately . He told me his difficulties on encountering multiple injuries this year . I'm a real jerk, aren't I?"
I laughed a little . "Not even close . " I have seen some real jerks in my short life . . . Kyle didn't make it to the top five . Plus . . . he's an Atkins . He's good at heart .
"I don't think I've ever heard you talk this much . I really thought I'd be doing most of the talking . Apologizing . " He looked me in the eyes . "I really am sorry . "
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I shrugged, a little uncomfortable with the attention . "It's okay . "
"It's not . " He corrected me . "You shouldn't be okay with being treated like a spare wheel . "
I shrugged again . "Sometimes I feel like a spare wheel . "
He was taken aback . "What?! How could you feel like that?? You're one of us, really!" He got off the steps and went down before facing me and looking me in the eye . "Have I made you feel like you don't belong? Is this all my fault?" He looked up at the sky . "Are you punishing me for being selfish, God?!"
My lips twitched . So dramatic . "It's not you, it's me . "
He stopped looking at the sky and blankly stared at me . "That's exactly the phrase I used to breakup with Marie . Are you trying to break up with me now??"
I sighed and got up, slightly taller than him thanks to the steps . "You guys make me feel exhausted sometimes . " I turned away and headed for the house .
"Wait! What do you mean by that?" Kyle chased after me, yelling .
Noah was waiting at the sliding door, opening it when he saw me coming back . "Hey, how'd it go?"
I smiled . "I think he's back to normal . "
"Jakeeee! Tell me what you mean!" Kyle complained from behind me .
Noah raised an eyebrow .
"He's trying to dump me! Like the way I broke up with Marie!" Kyle turned his complains to Noah as we collectively moved to the living room . "And he says I exhaust him! What does that mean by that??"
Noah rolled his eyes . "Obviously that Jake doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with you . You know how he was before . He'll just shut down when he reached his limit . Now leave him alone . " He gave Kyle a small push . "Just because Dave has forgiven you, doesn't mean you're okay with me yet . I hope Dad talked your ear off all weekend . "
The last sentence made Kyle stop fooling around . "More so on the ride home . He gave me the silent treatment at first . " He shivered . "Just sitting quietly in the car . Then made me set up the tent by myself . When we went to hike up the mountain, he didn't say a word . "
Noah scoffed . "That can't be that bad . Whatever . I'm going to watch the game . Jeremy is coming over for dinner afterwards . "
I sat on the couch with Noah . Kyle joined Dave on the floor, spread out . Zeke ended up joining us later, when the game was halfway through . Seeing the somewhat peaceful atmosphere, he gave a small smile, patted Kyle on the head, and sat down on the couch . A missing piece was put back in place .
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