Please Give Me Love c5

I still haven’t been able to call him “father,” but it’s true when I say that our hearts have become a bit closer. With regards to his children, we’ve been able to open up to each other a bit more, and we’re on friendly terms. When it comes right down to it, I’m not sure if I’ve truly let my guard down, but they have no sins. Not only that, they’re so pure that I can’t even begin to compare, and since I’m related by blood to these people, I truly want to get to know them. His wife is a very nice person, and she worries about me. The other day when we were alone, she opened up to me and told me this:

I still haven’t managed to accept such words with open arms, but I think little by little, I’ll come to accept them. He has a sincere and kind family that makes me truly envious of him. I was honest with her and told her that I was the cause of what he had to go through, and she smiled kindly saying that that’s not true, and that his actions came about from his feelings of regret. She told me it wasn’t my fault, and she ended up comforting me.

I’ve also decided to quit my night job at the end of this week. I’ve started to feel like if I stayed any longer, I might never escape from that world, and since I’ve been able to save a bit of money, I’m at the point now where I’m actively going to the Public Employment Security Office and trying to find a new pre-school to work at. If I’m able to find employment at a pre-school, that will be where I’ll re-start my life, so I want to try my best (oh, right. I shouldn’t try my hardest, right? Well, in other words, what I mean is that I want to accept this challenge in a relaxed manner).

You must be surrounded in snow and it must be really cold there, huh? Please make sure to take good care of your body, and please watch out for your health to make sure you don’t catch a cold.

December 5th.

I want to go on a trip again. It’s so refreshing. I wish I could go on a trip everyday. Where should I go next?

My Beloved Motojirou-sama,

A cactus is something that isn’t supposed to need much water. It dying despite that makes me wonder just how dry my days have been. Does that mean I’m living a life of indifference to the degree that I let a cactus wilt and die? Perhaps it means I’m living my life without taking a good look of my surroundings.

If something has happened, I might be a bit undependable, but this time, I’d like to be your support. You’ve always been the one to help me, so this time, I’ll show you that I can be a support to you too.

Ririka.

P.S.

Have hearts of cactuses

Because they are needles to protect ourselves,

Gazing up at the sky burning with stars,

Embraced by the cold light of the moon,

The cactuses of the desert,

Surely, someone will speak to you.

Toono Ririka-sama,

It was because Fuki-chan had her biggest surgery yet in the middle of November (it was one to make an incision in her windpipe. Once she had this surgery, she would no longer be able to speak. After it, it would become increasingly difficult to communicate to each other our thoughts, so we were both depressed about this). During this time, I couldn’t write you a reply. It was a very serious operation, and although she was able to safely come out of the operation for the time being, her voice was lost forever. Now, a tube has been attached to her throat, and it seems that she doesn’t want me to see her like that. Her body has gotten even thinner, and it’s as if she’s just skin and bones. It hurts me to see her like this.

And for a while after the surgery, my visiting hours became limited to twenty minutes a day, so I did have plenty of time to write a reply…but I don’t know how to put this— it took me that long for my emotions to settle down, and I wasn’t in a condition that allowed me to face writing a letter. The life and death of a person strains one’s daily life. It pins one down and strangles that person. Every time I looked at Fukino’s pale face once a day for twenty minutes in the dimly lit hospital room, I truly felt the difficulty of cheering another person up.

Motojirou.

P.S. Wish upon a star.

My Beloved Nagasawa Motojirou-sama,

Despite writing in my letters to you that I wanted to be a source of strength for you, the overwhelming reality that faces me is too much for me.

I thought it would be good for you to be able to listen to some relaxing music, so I’ve included in this letter a cassette tape of songs that I compiled. If you listen to this when you’re in pain or when you can’t sleep or when you’re irritated, I think it will soothe you.

1. Sentimental Walk (from the movie soundtrack “Diva”)

3. Gymnopedies No. 3 (Erik Satie)

5. Allegro de concert, op. 46 (Eldar Nebolsin)

B side

Thank you for the tape. It was the best gift I could receive right now. When I live my days just praying like this, music is a source of comfort for me above all. Humans have invented many boring things and have destroyed nature in the process, but music was a magnificent invention. I honestly do believe it is amazing. It is only when you are listening to music that you can open yourself up and lend your body to the melody. Your song choices were the best present for the heart of a person like me, who is in a state of pain and irritability. It must be because we are true pen pals that you are able to fill this hole in my heart like this. I thank you.

The beautiful songs you sent me have been gently, but surely lending me strength. Thanks.

From Motojirou.

P.S.

Oh, right. Today’s Christmas Eve, huh? No wonder it seemed so lively outside. But right now, I just can’t be in the mood for celebration. If memory serves me right, last year, I wrote to you about the illumination ceremony of the Christmas tree, right? It makes me nostalgic for last year.

My Beloved Motojirou-sama,

To be honest, there’s something I have to apologize to you about. There’s something I need to confess to you.

After wandering about for quite a while, I was able to find your house. I was walking around in a town I wasn’t familiar with only you on my mind. Thanks to my experiences from my Okinawan trip, although I was alone, I didn’t feel lonely. I also kept telling myself that this is the town where you lived, so that there’s nothing to be scared about.

Don’t worry though. It’s not that I went to your town because I wanted to see you. I was just in a state though where I just couldn’t sit and wait patiently anymore, so I went to visit Hakodate. That’s why I didn’t ring the doorbell of your house.

Because she didn’t look to be unhappy, I decided not to try to barge in and come asking for you at your house. That time, if your mother– no, I’m not sure if she’s your mother, but if the woman who came out from your house looked even a little unhappy…if she had a sorrowful expression on her face, I’m sure I would’ve knocked on the door to your house without a moment’s hesitation. But she was looking up at the winter sky with a serene look on her face. From that look, I deduced that nothing terrible had happened to you, Moto. That’s why, in the end, I felt a sense of relief from it, so I didn’t even try to go to the ropeway platform. I just gazed intently at the ropeway going up and down the Hakodate mountain from the base of the mountain.

My gaze stopped at the olden historic building that was to the left and right of the hill that leads to your house, and I gave myself up to the deep emotion that overcame me as I imagined how you must’ve matured and become an adult climbing up and down this hill.

Toono Ririka.

P.S.

Oh, and with regards to him, he’s doing a lot better.

What a surprise. I was truly surprised when I read about how you came to Hakodate while I was in a panic over Fukino.

What did you eat while you were here? When people think of Hakodate, they often praise the morning market and the bay area, but same as it was for you during your Okinawan trip, the best places to eat are the inexpensive restaurants that the locals frequent.

We don’t hold a candle to Sapporo when it comes to ramen, but curry and omelette contained stir-fried rice is delicious here.

I’ll write to you again. I want to stay by Fukino’s side a bit more though, so the speed at which I write replies might be a bit slow, but please wait for me.

December 30th.

It’ll be New Year’s soon. A year passes so quickly; I wish time would pass more slowly. I’m not ready for the new year to come.

He was someone who went to the same school as me since elementary school, and we were in the same class for two years during grades 5-6 and a year in grade 9. Even when we were in different classes, we always hung out together, and he’s a true friend of mine.

I felt so ashamed of myself for feeling this way that when it came time to leave, I couldn’t find it in myself to look at their bright faces (I’m no where near the wonderful person you make me out to be).

Now, I wish for their happiness from the bottom of my heart.

Come spring!

Time flies– it’s been almost two years since we first began our letter correspondence. So many things are happening each day that it makes me dizzy, but I have a feeling these days will continue to stay this way this year. I have a feeling though that I’ll be able to stand anything that may come my way. It just means I’ve shot through that much of a dark year in order to feel this way. Hey, Motojirou. We need to keep at it without ever giving up.

I start working next week, but yesterday I went to go meet with the director and the chairperson. They were very kind people who had a gentle atmosphere to them (the director was a man, and the chairperson was a woman. They’re a married couple, and I got the impression that they’ve been married for a long time), and I have a feeling that I’ll be able to work here for a long time. At any rate, I plan to put my heart into this, and do my best facing forward. Motojirou, please cheer me on.

Ririka.

Toono Ririka-sama,

I spend my days dressing warmly and sighing from the beauty of the world that I gaze down upon.

It seems that spring seems to be coming for you. It is my wish that you succeed in your new work place by putting to use your experiences from your former workplace. Don’t be dazzled by another’s happiness. It’s my wish that you can live your life in a way that allows you yourself to be happy. Your life has only just begun. There’s no need to rush. Also, please don’t hate life and view it in a distorted manner. Don’t look at it distastefully and don’t be envious of others. These are my humble wishes for you.

Blood linkage is a very important thing. Even if you don’t live together, there’s no denying that there is a strong bond that exists. It will take time for you to become closer, but I’m sure there will come a day that you will be grateful for it.

Speaking as someone in that kind of situation, I can’t help but feel envious of you for having been able to reconcile with your father.

Right now, I’m writing this in Fuki-chan’s hospital room. I’m writing this on the small table beside the bed. Humans live countless different lives, but I’ve never once bore hatred towards the life given to me. There are often times I think “I can’t go on anymore,” but whenever I think that, I have a feeling like someone is talking to me. No, maybe it’s better to say that someone is holding their hand out to me. And I, without hesitation, always cling onto that hand. I think that this is the existence of this being called God. Although I don’t particularly believe in one religion (it might’ve given me more comfort if I had), I do have this thing called prayer. “I don’t have faith in one religion but I do have prayers”— that’s a strange thing to say, right? But it’s true. I don’t have faith in a particular God or Buddha, but I do feel like although I don’t know what this being is, there is this particular being who is always there with an outstretched hand. Before I’d realized it, I had begun to reach out my hand to this being that I can’t see. This is why I’ve never once from the bottom of my heart cursed humans or the situation in my life. Even if I think I am suffering, I always thought that there was a meaning behind this suffering. This wasn’t something I told myself to cheer myself up. I really do believe that. That provided me salvation above all.

Even in a world in which the average life span is only twenty-five years, I want to believe that there must surely a thing called happiness, just like there exists unhappiness in a world in which people live to be eighty.

Despite the fact that I’m currently living my life taking care of another, I can’t help but feel every single day, in every single moment, as if light is being cast upon me. That’s why I can’t help but always look up to the sky and say my thanks. I also pray that one day I will be able to go to that being’s side. I wonder where that place could possibly be? I’m not sure, but I murmur this to the sky. I think there is a universe beyond the stratosphere that will one day accept me. Perhaps that’s heaven?

I wish I could thank everyone, to the celestial being above who allowed me to have today.

February 1st.

Happiness can be found in your hands. Thank you. And please, don’t forget. I’ll always be by your side.

Hello Motojirou,

I want to thank you again. Thank you, Motojirou.

I’m going to say something silly, but don’t laugh, okay? I’ve finally become used to seeing the bright light. I’ve been able to realize the overflowing energy that one gets from living inside the bright light. It’s as if the time I spent wearing dark sunglasses looking only at what was behind me had never happened. I’ve come to be able to learn the lively motions of being inside the light of the sun. Thank you. I thank you too. I also thank the thing that you said was beyond the sky. Were you referring to a blessing? Was it a blessing you were referring to? Since living beings like us have all been blessed in some way, after all.

Toono Ririka.

P.S.

Lately, I’ve stopped wearing a watch. It seems that it’s not only my sense of time that has dulled– my sense of seasons seemed to have dulled along with it.

Ririka.

Dear Moto,

Ririka.

Motojirou-sama,

Toono Ririka.

P.S.

I’m worried about you. I’m really worried. How have you been doing? I took out the last letter I received from you and re-read it, and it’s made me even more worried. Is there a special meaning in what you wrote in your “P.S.”? What did you mean when you said: “And please, don’t forget. I’ll always be by your side.”?

March 28th.

Can you guess where I am right now? Here’s a hint: look at the envelope to this letter. Bingo! That’s right. I’ve come to Hakodate again. Since I’ve been working my butt off without giving myself a break, I asked them if I could have some time off and as a reward to myself. I’ve decided to go on a do-as-you-please one week trip around Hokkaido. Today, since I’ve arrived in Hakodate, I’m planning on going around to different places. I really did end up coming here!

I’m writing this letter in the lobby of the Hotel of New Hakodate that’s located in the town of Suehiro. Do you remember, Motojirou? You promised me that the next time I came here, you would show me around. But don’t worry. I won’t trouble you because I know you’re busy. Since I’m on a do-as-you-please trip, I might go to Sapporo tomorrow.

Toono Ririka.

P.S.

Right now, as I am writing this letter, I’m at a loss of what to think or do. Overnight, my world has taken a drastic change.

This morning, I went to the ropeway. I couldn’t stand it any longer—I just wanted to get one glance of you. I intended on being satisfied with that and leaving for Tokyo after having seen you working in good health.

Motojirou, you were lying to me. So what, was everything you told me until now lies too? Then who are you? What is the meaning of this?

Suddenly, I was struck by the thought that perhaps this person named Nagasawa Motojirou never existed in the first place.

Motojirou, who are you really?

Inside, it was filled with my letters addressed to you. Even the letter I sent to you the day before was mixed into the bunch. The oldest one was the letter I sent to you stamped on the fourth of February.

Right now, I’m writing this letter in my hotel room despite being dead tired. What am I supposed to do from here on out? Motojirou, do you really exist? I want to see you at all costs, because I have to thank you for all the times you supported me until now.

Toono Ririka.

P.P.S

I’ve decided to go back to Tokyo on the last flight out today. In the end, I wasn’t able to see you.

When I said this, I noticed her turn slightly pale. She looked at me in puzzlement.

The neighbour only told me that those who lived next door have been at the hospital for a while. I sensed after hearing her saying that, that it wouldn’t be right of me to ask any further. You must be spending day and night taking care of Fuki-chan, right? I think that’s probably the case. I wish you could just tell me that.

With regards to the ropeway, I feel as if I’ve been bewitched by a fox, but I’ve decided to give up scrutinizing that, because it’s not that big of a deal. I’m sure you had your reason for lying to me about that.

Right now, I’m at the Hakodate airport. I ended up arriving a bit early, so I’m writing this letter in the restaurant located inside the airport.

I want you to tell me why you had to lie to me.

The image of you guiding the students on a school trip to a safe spot and of operating the cableway has long been established in my mind. And strange enough, that image I have of you wearing a uniform and standing at the Sanchou Station is still firmly engrained in my mind, but those were all lies, weren’t they? Despite having never met you, that image of you still remains deeply etched in my heart, right down to the smile.

I also have another thing that troubles me, and that’s why you felt the need to lie to me.

Were you lying about Fuki-chan too? I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Chapter end