Please Give Me Love c4

I quit working at the pre-school. After much thought, I realized that I really had no other choice. I also informed Kiba-san of this, and it seems that he has finally accepted my decision. The Kiba-san at that time looked very haggard, and the broad, fatherly-like chest and shoulders had become like sticks.

I’d like to work at another pre-school. During the day I go to the Public Employment Security Office, and I search for a job that will allow me to interact with children. I’m looking for a job in places like public nurseries and company daycares.

Ririka.

Dispensing with the preliminaries—

The reason why it took so long to write a reply was that Fuki-chan’s condition suddenly worsened soon after I sent my last letter (that’s right, right after we had begun dating), and she was in low spirits because of it. I have been tending to her all this time. Her legs began to show signs of weakening, and she became unable to walk and had to be hospitalized for emergency treatment. Currently, she isn’t able to get up from bed, and it’ll probably stay that way until the very end. It’s not surprising that the shock that she received psychologically from this was great. Being faced with the reality that she can’t control her body with her will anymore— it seems she has realized for the first time the horror of death.

When that kind of reality is before your eyes, it’ll change the way you see the world. Even if you curse the early years you spent without knowing a parent’s love, you are still living in the present with a body that is sound. I understand that you are hurting, but there are others out there who are hurting much more than you. There are those who are in a situation in which it is beyond their power. Although I do think that it’s wrong to compare you to people like that, I just don’t want you to think that you’re the only one who’s suffering. At the present time, I feel like I am relearning the preciousness of life.

Falling for someone for the first time ever in my life made me realize that to love someone can be a trying thing. I also learned just how hard it is to put myself in someone else’s shoes and view things from their perspective. I suddenly become aware of the time limit placed on this love, and it stuns me. Despite being able to have fallen in love for the first time and being able to have a requited love for the first time, this thing that is going to tear us apart is threatening towards us. I can’t believe it. Although I’m not you, it makes me want to think that there is no God or Buddha.

When it all comes down to it, the saving grace in all of this is Fuki-chan’s cheerfulness. Although she does get angry at my five minute delay, at the end of the day, she’s a strong person who remains positive no matter what kind of situation she is faced with. The way she tries her hardest to live without ever giving up on life gives me strength. Her favourite saying is “Let’s smile,” after all. She says to me: “Let’s smile. No matter the circumstances, humans weren’t born onto this Earth to suffer, so let’s smile. Make me smile. Make me smile more.” Fuki-chan’s laugh is twice as loud as other people. Her laugh is so loud that it echoes in the hospital room. She’s so cheerful that I wish you could hear her laugh.

I’m somehow managing to keep on going in a place that is set a bit apart from the hustle and bustle of the Hakodate that is in the midst of summer. After this, I’m off to the hospital again. Because I wrote this letter, I am in a big haste as I prepare myself for being five minutes late. I think my writing is in a bit of a disarray, so please forgive my writing. Once I get a little more used to this life, I’ll start writing longer letters again, okay? Please take care of your body and soul.

August 15th.

P.S.

Thank you for your reply. I was very happy to hear from you—so, so happy! I had given up hope of ever hearing from you again, so when I spotted your letter in my mail box, although I know this is a bit of an exaggeration, it made me feel as if someone had told me that it was okay for me to continue living.

Regarding Fuki-chan, it’s nothing I can say this and that about, so someone like me isn’t able to cheer you or Fuki-chan up. It’s just…it makes me think that I have to try my hardest to live as much as she does. When I am about to take it easy on myself, I should imagine Fuki-chan trying her hardest to battle curse of disease (on a side note, I’ve never met you face-to-face either. It’s strange…), and I’ll try my best.

Ririka.

Hello Motojirou,

To be honest, night work is hard. Because I can’t drink alcohol, as I interact with the middle-aged men, I am covered in the smell of alcohol and tobacco and it makes me suffer. In the morning, I can’t help but be reminded of the refreshing feel of the time when I cleaned the pre-school grounds. I can’t forget the scent of sunshine and children. I can’t forget the gentleness of the trees lining the brightly lit greenways that I went for a walk down together with the children. I can’t forget the children’s sleeping faces, their carefree laughter and their conversations. I can’t forget anything and everything.

But you see, oh right, I almost forgot about it, but for the weekends, I was able to find an afternoon job. Where do you think it’s at? Well, as it so happens, you-know-who had a help wanted sign for a part-time position at his antique shop.

He didn’t remember me. That time that he guided me to the station, it was night time, and all I did was follow from behind, so he didn’t remember me. But, he seemed to sense something, so he asked me whether we had met anywhere before. I shook my head slightly and I denied it, and I went on to fill in the blank columns of a resume-like form that was handed to me. Strange enough, everything progressed deftly in a quick fashion as if it was set up by someone.

Can you imagine it? I’m working under the father who threw me away. He doesn’t even know that he’s related to me by blood. What an unusual situation.. It’s a strange situation which I never once imagined I would be placed in.

I’m a little scared because I’m not sure what I’m trying to do. I’m afraid because I feel as if I might be up to no good again. Since, after all, I’m sure I must be glaring at his back with a very scary expression.

As we polished the aged furniture together, he started asking me of my early years. I glossed it over by telling him reasonable sounding lies so that he wouldn’t catch on, but when he asked me what my father did for a living, the blood rushed up to my head and I couldn’t speak. When I stayed silent, he apologized to me. Everything gets on my nerves. I feel as if my mind and soul are about to go crazy. What is it that I’m trying to accomplish by doing this?

Toono Ririka.

P.S. At my night job, I’ve come to know a person who writes TV scripts.

Dispensing with the preliminaries–

It’s hard to sleep on summer nights in Tokyo. I toss and turn in bed many times as I battle the summer heat. Although I do have this thing called an air conditioner, the electricity bill isn’t something that one should take lightly, so I sleep with the windows open. By the time I get back to work, the bathhouse is closed already, so I soak a towel and wipe my body with it. The smell of tobacco is hard to wash off.

I couldn’t help but hate the self that wanted to feel something by being by that person’s side. This must be why I did what I did.

“Listen closely– this is a bird cage from almost a hundred and twenty years ago. See? The sturdiness of the wood, the design— everything is magnificent. I was able to get this for free, can you believe it? I guess it pays off to be kind to people, huh?”

“How can he look like that?” As I gazed at his smile, my soul shook with anger. Does this person even know how I felt living a life of aloneness? Inside my heart, I was yelling at him saying he probably couldn’t even comprehend how much I suffered in my youth.

I asked him where he thought the bird that was in that bird cage went. He seemed taken aback and asked me to repeat the question saying: “Eh?” He then replied: “The bird that was in the bird cage? Who knows. It probably died. Otherwise, it probably flew away.” I couldn’t forgive him for his nonchalant reply.

After a while, he turned to me. Then, he got to his feet with his face a deep red, and yelled: “What did you just do?!” I tried saying in a small voice: “Daddy” He yelled again saying: “You didn’t hear me? I asked why you did something like this!” His face was red and he looked as if he was ready to lunge at me at any minute.

“Daddy, it’s all right, isn’t it? It’s just a stupid bird cage.” I said this clearly, and I glared at him. His lips began to quiver, and his eyes opened wide as if they were about to pop out. He then made a gutteral sound and said: “You…”

I tried asking him: “Why are you happy? Why am the unhappy one? Why am I living such a wretched life?” I also asked: “Why can you be happy being surrounded by a new family while I, who was thrown away, live a poor, wretched, rubbish life?”

What is it that I wanted? Was it revenge? Was it that I wanted to clear away the anger I felt for having being abandoned? Did I want to make him regret what he’d done and make him feel sorry for his action? Or was it that I wanted to test him to see whether he still remembered my existence? Or maybe it’s because I wanted him to look my way? Maybe I wanted to tell him: I’m here. The child who has been living quietly until now is here.

Toono Ririka.

Nagasawa Motojirou-sama.

I was taken to a French restaurant for the first time in my life. To be honest, I grew up in an orphanage so I never went to restaurants like this, and when I confessed to him that I didn’t know the table manners when it came to eating at a place like this, he looked apologetic and taught me various things– in other words, table manners. Like a father would.

Last night, that person (this is referring to my biological father) came to my apartment. A few days had passed since I destroyed his bird cage. I was surprised. I shouldn’t have written down my real address on my resume. I guess I should’ve just made up an address, huh? At any rate, I heard a knock at my door and when I went to answer it, he was standing there. He said he wanted to talk, so we decided to go to a café near my house.

He was crying as he appealed to me that he hadn’t for a second forgot about me, and that even it took his entire lifetime, he wanted to make it up to me. I told him: “You’re a hypocrite.” It’s easy to say stuff like that, but the sin for neglecting a human life is heavy. No matter the excuse or compensation, it’s too late now— they would only be a drop in a bucket. My hatred towards this person who had ruined my life was much too strong.

I grabbed his iced coffee, and in front of the other customers, I threw it in his face. When I had emptied the contents of that cup, next, I grabbed my orange juice and poured that over his head too. I also dumped on his head the sugar and sauce that was on the table. During this whole time, he just hung his head and took it all. The customers around us were watching with interest. The waiter didn’t know what to do, so he just stood there staring at us with a shocked look on his face.

The invitation from the writer came a day later, and I went along with his invitation as if I was desperately searching for something to cling onto— because I was drowning. If it had been any other day, I think I would have refused. No— I’m not quite sure about that. I did give him my cell phone number, so it might just be that I wanted to seek his sympathy from the very beginning since I am someone without friends. Not only that, but I have no family either. There’s a part of me that wants to be treated kindly by someone. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? It doesn’t matter; this is my life, so I’m going to live it as I like.

He snatched the picture from my hand, and the moment he hastily put the photograph away in his pocket as if it was something I shouldn’t have seen, I got it in my mind that I wanted to take in the scent of the fatherliness that existed within him.

After it all ended, he gently embraced me into his arms, like Kiba-san had done. I pressed my face into his chest, and I sought comfort for my aching heart.

Ririka.

Dispensing with the preliminaries–

During the summer, there are so many tourists, so it was at any rate, an extremely busy time for me. Although I had a couple of partly written letters, I couldn’t manage to finish any of them, and as I went about in my life, September had come. When the season had changed, the letters became like an ancient, out-of-date page from a diary, so in the end, I couldn’t send any of them.

I wish I could show this kind of beautiful scenery to you, who is troubled by life. Perhaps you should take a bit of time to go on a trip—anywhere is fine, it doesn’t matter where. It doesn’t have to be Hakodate. There are many other beautiful spots in Japan. Going South might be a good idea too. Kyushu and Shikoku would be nice. It doesn’t even have to be somewhere far away– if it’s the Kantou region, there must be many good hot springs nearby, right? Why don’t you try hopping on a train and going out to a hot springs? I think taking a trip and giving your heart some time to relax would be the best thing for you right now. I think what is capable of soothing your heart right now is the power of nature. Why don’t you take some time to relax by yourself and gaze at the beautiful fall scenery? Expose your face to the refreshing fall breeze, and breathe in a big helping of the delicious air, and give yourself a change of scenery?

Fuki-chan’s managing to do relatively well. Although when I say this, we can see what the ending will be, so I do admit that our days are such in which we are coming to terms with the other’s suffering. Before I can feel happiness, I can’t help but be reminded of the unavoidable parting, so I guess I am in a state in which I am trying to make the most of the limited time we have together.

I try my hardest to find a cheerful topic, and we talk about things like the happiest day she can remember having. But you know, it took me quite a while to get that answer out of her, but the happiest memory for her seems to be the time when she was still going out with her former boyfriend, and I couldn’t help but feel resistance to that. I felt jealous. But because I couldn’t waste time being troubled by that, I, of course, talked with her about that. At any rate, at this point in time, I listen to the all the events in her life that she wants to remember, like a family member would. There’s not even enough leeway for me to feel jealous. Because if you think about it, she’s going to be leaving this world shortly— yes, she’s going to be leaving (Why?! What does it mean to be gone, to no longer exist?).

Her yell echoed to the outside of the hospital room, and nurses even came rushing into the room. She couldn’t control her muscles so she was flying about in a rage moving the parts that she could, and in the end, the doctor had to give her a sedative to calm her down. Her mother was running around like a chicken with its head cut off all around the room, and it was really hard to watch. It’s true though when I say that if she had been healthy, I would’ve wanted to be joined to her in matrimony, because I have fallen more and more in love with her. But the more I love her, the more depressed I feel at my powerlessness….

When I live my life nursing another, it makes me view the world in a different way. It makes me think about what it means to “live” and to “die.” Although I thought “to live” is everything, I have begun to think now that perhaps that might not be the case. Even when it comes to meeting others— it makes me think about all sorts of things. Because I was blessed to have been able to meet Fuki-chan, it gave me an opportunity to rethink the meaning of human life. I’m not sure what it is that I should be learning from our eventual parting. It’s just, because I was given a course such as this, I think there is a meaning in all of this. I think it would be great if I can figure out what that meaning is. It makes me think that perhaps this is so that Fuki-chan can continue to live on in my memory. In the limited time she has left, I want her to experience a limitless life. I want Fuki-chan to feel a limitless life from the limited life she has. I still don’t know yet what that implies, or how I can make that happen, but I think that there will definitely come a day when I will have the answers to that.

By the time I’d realized it, I had stopped placing my hope on tomorrow. On the contrary, I’ve come to realize that what’s important is now. If there is such a thing as an infinite present time, that means there will be no such thing as us going our separate ways. I want to seal her in this time. Then, even if the days of taking care of her continue on for eternity, I want to be able to spend that time by her side. That probably is an unreasonable wish though. That’s why I’m living everyday to the fullest, and I am trying to remember everything about her. As long as I am alive, she will continue to live on in my memories. As long as I am alive, it means she won’t die.

From Motojirou.

P.S.

Try going on a trip— a trip to create a big change of pace for you. If you don’t will things to change, nothing will change. Action is a requirement in change. Don’t think about it. Just go take a trip right now. I’m sure you’ll be able to experience something that way.

Dispensing with the preliminaries—

The moment I put my previous letter in the mail box, I remembered something I forgot to write so I went back home in a rush to write this letter to you. That’s why I think this letter will get to you on the same day as the other letter. This is letter #2 though, so please read this one afterwards.

The other day, I had night duty at the Sanchou Ropeway Station so I stayed overnight at the lodging at the top of the mountain. That night, I couldn’t manage to sleep no matter what I did (because I couldn’t help but think about Fuki-chan’s future), and because it was no use, I decided to go out for a walk.

When I try walking across the grassy plain, it feels strange— as if I’m walking in a dream. When I’d realized it, I was standing alone in the middle of the field. When I looked around me, beyond the tranquil darkness, the trees were swaying quietly. It confused me into thinking that I was standing in the center of the universe, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of dizziness.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. I thanked God for allowing me to be able to gaze at such a magnificent starry sky. Ririka, have you ever seen a sky full of stars? As long as you live in the city, you probably won’t be able to, huh? You need to go to a place where there is no light; you need to go to a place where nothing obscures the view of the sky.

That’s not enough. When I realized that, strangely enough, I felt renewed. I felt better. It made me think that I should forgive all. It made me think that I should be friendly with everyone. It made me think that I should meet lots of people and shake their hands. It also brought tears to my eyes. They weren’t tears of sorrow but rather, drops of joy for being able to be alive like this, I guess you could say?

That’s why, what I want to say is, Ririka, please go on a trip to see the stars.

Can you guess where I am right now? Look at the envelope. Hurry! That’s right, I’m in Okinawa. I arrived at the Naha airport just now. Although there was the influence from having read your letter, I also saw a dream of flying in space. I guess that’s why I’m here. When I woke up in the morning, “Okinawa” crossed my mind, and that’s how I ended up leaving right away for the airport. That’s when, coincidentally, there was an open seat and when I’d realized it, I had arrived in Naha Airport. That was fast.

I sent off the first postcard from the mail box located at the airport. This is the start of my trip to see the stars. Because I ended up coming here having made no reservations at a hotel, the first thing I did was look for a place to stay. When I placed a call to a cute resort inn that was in a guide book, I was able to find an open room, so I decided to stay there. It takes two hours to get there from the airport by bus, but it should be the perfect spot to see the stars.

From Ririka.

Dear Moto,

I’ll be leaving for the ocean now. I need to walk quite a bit to get to the beach, but I feel excited just thinking about how I will feel when I arrive there after having walked down the mountain path to get there.

I can only say: Wow–! It’s amazing. The ocean is breathtaking; it’s beautiful. This is my first time seeing an emerald green ocean. It’s amazing– it’s so amazing! It truly is. I’m so glad I’m alive to experience this.

Ririka.

Motojirou-sama,

How can a beautiful ocean like that that make me become embarrassed of my existence? The beach I walked along seems to be one that the locals often use for swimming, but I was no longer in Japan. The wondrous color of the sky and ocean— it’s like a mysterious clash where the two meet in the horizon.

I also feel moved that I can send this postcard to the Hakodate-based you whom I’ve yet to meet (although it’s hard to believe, you’re in a town located in the northern part of Japan, and I’m in a town in the southern part). I’m so glad I’m alive to experience this. Who is it that I should thank for this joy? I hold Beethoven’s words close to my heart. “If you overcome difficulties, you will run into joy,” huh? That makes sense.

From Toono Ririka.

To My Beloved Nagasawa Motojirou-sama,

I saw it. The starry sky. I’m writing this postcard right now in the lobby of the resort inn. My heart feels much lighter…I’m not sure I can accurately express this feeling in words, but it’s as if I’ve been reborn. No, I guess that would be a bit of an over exaggeration, but it made that big of an impact on me. Why is it that I’ve lived my life until now without gazing up at the starry sky? I’m surprised that I was living my days completely ignoring the meaning-filled universe directly above me. I felt that civilization is in some ways showing contempt for living by not doing so.

Once things have settled down a bit more, I think I’ll be able to express these strong emotions inside of me better, but for now, please just imagine my excitement from the tremble in my writing, okay? I thank you for recommending me to gaze at the stars.

Ririka.

Motojirou, Motojirou, Motojirou!

The bus is currently travelling through a corn field. On both sides are corn. If this were the city, I’d probably be worried about where we’re heading, but here, I don’t know why, but I don’t feel that way.

From Ririka.

My Beloved Nagasawa Motojirou-sama,

I am grateful to you, Motojirou. I wish I could share this feeling of serenity with you. Please don’t push yourself too hard. Don’t work too hard.

Dear Moto,

When I’m in Okinawa, I see things that should have been obvious to me. I guess that’s why Okinawan people live so long. It’s a no brainer that if you live in an environment like this where you can live your life leisurely, you’ll live a long life. The light truly does shine here.

Ririka.

Motojirou-sama,

Ririka.

My Beloved Motojirou-sama,

Yesterday, the owner of the inn where I was staying said this to me: “There isn’t really such a thing as a painful experience.” When I replied back: “What do you mean by that?” He smiled and said: “It’s all about mental attitude.” It almost felt as if I met you, Motojirou, even though he’s already past 50.

As I was leaving the inn, he told me something similar to that again. The moment I made my way out the front door and was showered by the sun’s rays, I know this may be an over exaggeration to say, but I felt as if everything had changed. As I took a deep breath of the Okinawan air, I realized that my lungs were here. I’m alive. I want to take in more of this fresh air. I want to immerse myself slowly into this thing called life.

From Ririka.

My Beloved Moto-sama,

As long as one’s alive, there really are many things that will happen, but in this current moment and time, I feel as if I’ll be able to forgive all that’s happened in my past.

When I become busy, I send in a big gust of air into my lungs, and I confirm my whereabouts. I allow the air to come in, and I’ve naturally mastered the secret of how to get along well with others. It’s fun meeting different people everyday. Everyone’s trying their hardest in life. Going on this trip, I’ve come to realize that.

From Ririka with thanks!

Dispensing with the preliminaries—

As for me, as usual, I live my days in a routine cycle of work and caring for Fuki-chan. I’ve become fully adjusted to this life. Strange enough, although I’m the one doing the caring, I’ve gradually started to feel like I’m the one (and I know this sounds a bit odd to say this) who’s being taken care of— as if I’m the one who’s receiving treatment for my heart. This is really hard to try to explain this, but although I’m the one who spends all my time caring for Fuki-chan because I want to ease her pain as much as possible and turning down invitations from friends (actually, I’ve kept what’s been happening with Fuki-chan a secret from my friends at ropeway. That’s why I’ve been getting a hard time from those around me. They’ve been saying that I’ve suddenly stopped hanging out with them as much as I used to. But because they’re all really great guys, they leave me be with looks on their faces like they guessed that something was going on in my life), little by little, I began to realize the preciousness of life through this, and although there is no denying that this is a painful experience, it’s making me realize the value of the time that is passing by.

A trip, huh? Sounds nice. I think I told you this before as well, but I’ve never once left this region. Even for the school excursion, I caught a cold and couldn’t participate in it. That’s why I don’t know much other than Hakodate. My experience has been pretty much limited to the two times I went to Hokkaido while I still lived at the orphanage. I want to go on a trip. Not on TV or in photographs— I want to see the world with these very eyes. I wish I could’ve gone around and seen for myself just how big this world is. I wish I could come into contact with the different cultures of the countries beyond the sea— like Southeast Asia, South America, and Africa.

But you know, even a person like me, back when I was a child, slept with a globe placed by my pillow. Back then, it was my dream to be able to memorize all the major cities of the world. I gave free reign to my imagination and played imagining what kind of people lived there and what kind of towns existed. It was fun. Looking back on it now, it really was fun.

I’ll make some time to write to you again, but for now, I better go and visit Fuki-chan. As always, please forgive me for my sloppy writing. I have a feeling that my writing’s gotten worse lately. I’m sorry.

October 10th.

Thanks for the gift. I received the parcel yesterday. It looks like the turmeric tea might become a favourite of my mother’s. Also, I decided to decorate the shells you found at the Tiger Beach on my desk.

Dear Motojirou-sama,

A few days after I had returned from my trip, that person’s wife came to visit me at my apartment. Because this was something that happened in the middle of the night, I was a bit taken aback, but it seems that he had gotten into some sort of car accident. She said that that evening, he had been carrying a bird cage in his arms as he crossed a crosswalk while the light was still red (I think the bird cage was that one that I broke. He must’ve fixed it). According to a person who witnessed what had happened, he appeared to be hanging his head low as he walked, and it looked as if he was leaping in front of the truck on purpose. He was hit by the truck and was knocked down onto the road, and currently he’s in the intensive care unit of a large hospital. Despite wavering between life and death, from time to time, it seems that he’s been calling out my name. He seemed to have opened up to his wife about me, and she even knew that I was his daughter. She broke down in tears saying if only he’d opened up to them sooner about me. She said to me that although she’d never suspected that he had that kind of past to him, knowing his personality, there’s no question that he must’ve been consumed with grief because of it. She said perhaps this accident was caused as a result of that grief he felt.

I was told by his wife: “At any rate, please come to the hospital. The only one who can save him is you.,” and before I could fully comprehended what was happening and before I had restored the order inside of my heart, I went with his wife to the emergency hospital. As a precautionary measure, we had to disinfect our hands at the entrance to the ICU room. It was already midnight by the time I went into that room. He was sleeping. The doctor explained to me that he was in a state close to that of a comatose state. He explained that tonight was crucial, and if he’s able to get through this critical point, that there would be a possibility of him improving. Tears formed in my eyes, and without being able to hold them back, I looked intently at his pale, almost dead-like face. I leaned my head close to his ear, and I tried whispering in his year: “It’s Ririka.” It seemed as if there was a slight reaction, but no sooner did that happen that the doctor patted me on my back saying I should go.

I spent the night there with his wife and children. No one spoke a word as the night passed. When morning came and the hospital started becoming a little more lively, the doctor came to tell us that that person had made it through the critical point. Hearing that… I know this is messed up to say this, but it was in that moment that I realized for the first time in my life that God and Buddha does indeed exist. The son and daughter grabbed each other by the hands and began crying saying: “Thank you! Thank you!” That person’s wife told the doctor: “We apologize for putting you through a great deal of trouble.” I felt so grateful that all I could do was bow my head deeply.

But I couldn’t kill myself. It may be that I’ve become too immersed in life to commit suicide— but above all, I couldn’t shake this feeling of fear. It’s strange that I’m comfortably living my life despite the fact that I pushed someone in the direction of death. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I don’t even know what it is that I should do. Moto, is it all right for me to keep living? Is it all right for me to be alive? I feel as if I might take away many other people’s happiness in the future, and I’m afraid. Please help me. Oh…it’s no use. I might even end up snatching your happiness away from you too. This is a very important

Chapter end