Samantha's POV .
"Remember when you asked me why I love music?" I asked softly, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them . "It kinda understood me on my bad days . When people judged me, when they hurt me . Usually unintentionally . And when Dad died . It was so intimate and personal on so many levels . And I still find myself looking back at the day I actually shared a piece of me with you -the first time we met- and I can't believe that I actually shared it with a stranger . "
He still sat motionlessly, looking straight ahead but I knew he was listening to me .
"I'm not going to tell you 'I know what you're going through', because, baby, in reality, I don't," I said, studying the yellowing tiles I sat on . "I never had twenty souls wrapped around my neck, an animalistic father, a hopelessly lost cause of a lover and a brother who sacrificed his life for me . I never did .
"I'm not going to tell you 'get over it, move on, talk it out', because I don't know how hard it is for you to keep breathing right now, to order you to do more . I won't, because I know how hard breathing can get on some days," I sniffed, remembering my panic attacks and intertwining my fingers . "I find solace in music . Others find it in talking, boxing, dancing and I don't know what . You might find it elsewhere . And until you find it I want nothing from you . Nothing, but to count on me . "
At that, he blinked . Once . Twice . His head almost turned but he returned it to its original position . I sighed and wiped away my tears . This is not the time to cry, I threatened myself . It would do us no good if one was weeping on the inside and the other was weeping on the outside . I had to get a grip on myself . I had to strengthen up and get past all what happened if I were to help him out of what he was in .
"Before he died-" I started, looking down at my chipped, disgusting nails . "When you forced us to leave my brother's mansion-" I paused and took a deep breath . "Augustus made me promise him something in case he never came back . "
I looked up and Julius was looking straight at me, through his hair . His face was stoic with a shadow of a stubble, but his dark-looking eyes -ugh, that I couldn't see- so I leaned forward and pushed the hair that covered them- His pupils constricted under the bright light as he studied me like he expected something .
His transparently virid eyes glinted with sad curiosity .
I pulled back and settled on the wet floor as I held his eyes in mine . "He made me promise that we should hang out in his 'place' that he said you knew . And then travel to Vegas and get-get married . He left his u-" I stopped, clenched my fists and decided to man up . He had to know one way or another . "His urn . And a letter . For you, Julius . "
He closed his eyes at this and clenched his jaws .
"Baby, you don't even need to talk-" I said with a sad smile . "I'd understand the language of your heartbeat, Julius . You just-you just need to let me in . Trust me in that vulnerable state of yours like I did . . . when I was blind-" I paused and glanced at his wide open eyes . "I know sadness . I know it so very well . And I recognize it in my and people's eyes . And your eyes are sadness, Caesar . And it isn't for nothing . I want to be there for you in every moment of it, baby . In its most merciless and most merciful . I want to be there to hold your hand and hold you to me in its darkest hours to remind you of a love so strong . A love worth living for . "
I then sat on my knees and leaned toward him . He almost leaned back with a slight frown but managed to stop himself as I whispered- "Julius . I understand your fear-" I paused as his eyes sharply landed on mine . "I understand your fear that if you let me in right now, you might risk losing me and going through this pain all over again . The pain of another goodbye- yet . But you're all free now!" I tried to smile as tears slipped out of control . "You're as free as a bird . In fact, I have talked to Alexander today-"
His lips parted and I smiled, wiping the stupid tears away . "Yes, babe, but I'll let him say it all to you . You aren't really who you think you are . " I shook my head . "You're you're a great- a very great person, Caesar . You're so great to have survived all that and managed to keep your heart safe from all the temptations . And I love you, Julius . I love you . You're the most powerful man in my eyes and you have my all . So let me have you . Let me stand by your side . Let me show you the power of us . "
It wasn't long before his eyes filled with tears, his lips quivered and he looked away . I used my hand to gently force his chin toward me . He didn't resist .
"Julius you might think you're doing what's right by keeping yourself away from everyone, everything . From me! But no-" I said, tears filling my eyes, myself . I blinked them away . Out of the way, tears! "This won't end up like Audrey or-or Augustus . This will be different . And I know it because your father told me!" I lied quickly but I'd make sure I threaten Alexander on the damned phone to tell him that Julius would be in no way involved in any of his affairs anymore . I had already made up my mind that when I get Julius a little eased up, I'd have him visit his father . "He told me you can do what you want now . That you're free, baby . So be selfish and choose your happiness-" I smiled in his face as he sniffed and gulped .
He then stared in my eyes for as long as I could remember before he looked down and turned away . My heart sank .
"Augustus would've hated to see you like this . In a cold tub . In a filthy bathroom, away from all the warmth life can pro-"
At that, he lost it . He started grunting and groaning, pulling at his hair as my heart literally stopped . No, it didn't just stop- I felt it die on me . I actually felt my eyes roll back . I felt my heart stop and it was like I was having a mini-death experience because- what have I done? Did I say something wrong? Had I aroused a painful memory?
He sobbed and started banging his head on his knees before his fist came crashing into the wall, shattering the damned tiles . I gasped and immediately got to my feet not knowing what to do . His knuckles where a red mess of flesh and blood and his sobs were agonizing and angry . I stepped closer to him but he punched the wall again and more blood oozed out .
I almost vomited my heart out .
"Julius, please-" I begged him to stop, but he was soon banging his head against the wall, crying his heart out . I couldn't stand seeing him harm himself anymore, so I quickly stepped into the tub's freezing water, unafraid of his anger . I winced at the cold water, sat on my knees, wrapped my shaking arms around his tensed, cold torso and pulled him toward me, away from the shattered wall .
He resisted me .
He resisted me a lot as he cried out in scorching despair and splashed around with his legs, but I would never let him go . I held him harder and wrapped my legs around his middle to lock him here as I cried with him . I had to tire him out . I had to .
And it wasn't really ironic that we were both crying for the loss of two different people . Or should I say, one person? After all, they really were both one . He and his brother .
And it worked . I swear it did . It didn't take long before he rested his head on my collar bone, his wet hair tickling my neck, his eyes closed with silent, defeated tears, running down his deathly pale cheeks .
I mean what could the echoes of a boy's cries have done? What could they have done to reverse what was?
I unwrapped my legs and pulled him closer to me, his body's heaviness light compared to the grief that sat like a bulldozer on my lungs . I planted a kiss on top of his head as I shivered, my tears cascading endlessly as I watched the water redden by his blood . His knuckles were in bad shape, but he was calming down and I daren't disturb him .
I pressed my quivering lips to his cold ear and started singing, in a shaky voice, a lullaby to console him .
"Sleep, baby, sleep . Your father tends the sheep . Your mother shakes the dreamland tree . And from it fall sweet dreams for thee . Sleep, baby, sleep . Sleep, baby, sleep . "
His tensed body relaxed under my cold fingertips and I smiled as more tears spilt from my eyes . "Sleep, baby, sleep . Our cottage vale is deep . The little-The little lamb is on the gree-green-" I almost choked on my tears with this line as it reminded me of his dead brother . "With snowy fleece so soft and clean-" I nestled my nose in his hair and let it soak my tears . "Sleep, baby, sleep . Sleep, baby, sleep . Please, Caeser, please- It'll be okay . Please . It's all going to be okay . Please-"
And that was what I continued doing until his frowning thick eyebrows withdrew and his lips parted as soft, small breaths fought their way out .
And that was it . He was asleep .
I sat there for as long as I could remember, dried tears on my cheeks, the cold walls of the tub painfully poking my shoulder bones and an angelic Julius fast asleep between my aching arms .
***
Chapter end
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