Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatte Iru Volume 14 Chapter 5

Volume 14, Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Gallantly, Hiratsuka Shizuka walks ahead.

The prom was held according to schedule. By the time we finished cleaning up the venue, it had gotten late. We left the vacant gymnasium and moved to the conference room of the main building. Everyone involved in the logistics of the prom were gathering there.

It wasn’t a particularly large group. It included the following: the main staff consisting of the student council and Yukinoshita, helper grunts from various clubs, Yuigahama, Hiratsuksensei, individuals from the parents association, and me.

To acknowledge the achievements of all related persons such as the performers, staff, and others, a quick and modest celebration, more akin to a milestone celebration, was held to acknowledge their efforts.

Everyone surrounded a long table that was loaded with easy meals and beverages. Isshiki stood at the front and darted her eyes around the room, confirming that everyone had a paper cup. Then, she poked Yukinoshita beside her with her elbow.

“Yukino-senpai, can you raise a toast?”

“M-Me?” Yukinoshita said in befuddlement.

Isshiki nodded while silently pressuring her to get the formalities over with. The two engaged in a brief unspoken back-and-forth staring contest, but eventually, Yukinoshita faltered with a sigh.

“Then, I would like to take this moment to say a few things…” Her eyebrows curved against each other, and her mouth formed a bit of a pout. Looking reluctant, she took a step forward with her paper cup. Then, she raised her face with an invigorated smile. “We were able to successfully hold the prom due to the support of everyone here. To the collaborators, I truly thank you for your cooperation. And I would like to express my gratitude to the involved staff as well. Going forward, the prom will be adopted as another tradition of Sobu High School, and I pray that we, the third years, can be sent off in a similar fashion next year as well… Cheers.”

Her long-winded toast indicated she was in fairly high-spirits as opposed to her visible reluctance earlier. Afterwards, everyone cheered in unison. I held my cup up at a moderate height, and my neighbor Yuigahama extended out her cup.

“Great work today!”

“Yeah, you, too,” I said, and touched cups. The conversation, however, died from there…

Embarrassed and feeling awkward from the dance we had, I wasn’t able to make eye contact with her. I looked at her from the corner of my eye to see that she was sharing the same sentiment and was sipping her cup while fiddling with her smartphone. Then, in recollection of something, she tapped my shoulder.

“Oh, by the way, Orimoto-san sent me a message over LINE. She wanted to know what your plans are.”

“Huh…? Oh.”

I had no idea what she was referring to when she asked, but seconds later, I remembered. I had dragged Kaihin Sogo High School into my dummy prom proposal, so I could make it sound realistic. I had one meeting with them to discuss the appeal of the plan as well as the accomplishments it would give them, but had them on indefinite hold due to the busyness of the prom.

Shoot, I totally forgot about them…

Now that the prom had ended without incident, I needed to clean up after my dummy prom. Specifically speaking, as the planner, I needed to apologize in prostration, or in a well-done prostration, or in a juicy, fried prostration.

“I’ll talk to her. Can you get her mailing address, number, or whatever for me?”

“Mm, roger,” she said, and immediately contacted Orimoto. A melody played from her smartphone after receiving a correspondence within moments.

“Okay, sent.”

“Thanks…”

I checked my smartphone to see Yuigahama’s mail. I began pondering how I should go about apologizing until I realized my conversation with Yuigahama had stopped again. The fact that we were focused on our phones despite being right next to each other was like a miniature of modern Japan. But regardless, even this close-range silence was starting to bother me. I couldn’t think of a tasteful and witty topic to talk about.

As I groaned, Isshiki advanced to the center of the drawing room and called for everyone’s attention by raising her hand.

“Everyone, we have light snacks prepared for you, though I’m sorry to say they’re just leftovers from catering. We’ll have to throw them out if there’s any remaining, so please help yourselves and then some!” She merrily announced with a guts pose. However, that candid announcement caused everyone to shrink back.

“No one’s going to get hungry if you put it that way…”

“Ahaha… I think I’ll grab something, though.” Yuigahama formed a wry smile, and hurried over to the table. I rested my back against the wall as I watched her leave.

Well, when conversations weren’t going anywhere, food or tea were helpful in filling your lonely mouth. That way, you could have excuses like, “My mouth’s full right now! That’s why I can’t talk!” Cigarettes had a similar effect, because there’s data indicating that 80% of smokers took a puff when it was silent, or when they had nothing to say (self-research). These thoughts might’ve been the reason why I could make out the permeating heavy smell of tar in the air.

“Good job with the prom today. I had a lot of fun watching you.” Hiratsuksensei approached with the wave of her hand and looked to have finished smoking elsewhere.

“You were only watching? You should’ve just joined, then. It’s the prom and all.”

The prom was planned for all the people who were leaving the school. I felt Hiratsuksensei, and not just the students, also had the right to participate.

She shrugged. “My stage will be the farewell ceremony. I’ll be the star there.”

When she acted in theatrical jest, I let out a bitter laugh. Her farewell ceremony was scheduled at the beginning of April and was indeed a stage specifically prepared for her. Since it was classified as a school event, we wouldn’t be able to act as informally as we do now. We were one teacher and one student, and we would merely part ways in silence. That’s not to say that didn’t make me lonely, but there’s no point in bringing it up. I made the same sarcastic smile that pulled one cheek upwards like I would usually do.

“I doubt you’ll get to dance during that.”

“That’s true, which is a shame. I wanted to dance with you, too.” She smiled.

Something about her statement bothered me. “With you, too…” The instant I understood the implication, ripples formed on the surface of the beverage in my cup.

“You saw us…?” I kept myself from being upset and gave her a reproachful stare. She returned an implicating smile, and that made me realize the hidden meaning behind what she said earlier about having fun watching me. Oh boy, I want to die.

As I held my head from the embarrassment, I could hear upbeat chatter. I lifted my head to see Yukinoshita and Yuigahama walking together this way. Isshiki casually followed them from behind.

“Good work today,” said Yukinoshita, and she slightly raised her cup.

I nodded, and similarly raised mine. “Yeah… I’m glad everything worked out.”

“Thank you…”

We merely exchanged placid words, never touching our cups together. The liquid’s surface of my cup persisted in its stillness. An extremely peaceful period continued as Yuigahama and Isshiki similarly expressed their gratitude with smiles for today’s efforts.

With the core staff gathered here, it was only natural that the people making the rounds would find their way to us. One of them was, of course, Yukinoshita’s mother.

“It was a wonderful event.”

When she approached with Haruno-san in tow, Yukinoshita set her cup on the table, straightened her posture, and courteously lowered her head.

“Thank you very much for your cooperation. We were able to hold the event without any significant problems because of your guidance.”

“Not at all. I also want to thank you for listening to my sudden request.” Her mother returned with the same formality, and bowed her head. Upon lifting their heads, they looked at each other with a smile.

“You did well in managing the entire event. I’m quite impressed.”

Her mother placed her folding fan to her mouth and made a gentle smile. Her teasing tone caused Yukinoshita to fidget in embarrassment, but after noticing the attention she was attracting from everyone, she coughed. Well, it’s a little embarrassing talking to your mom in front of everyone, after all…

As everyone smiled and watched the mother and daughter pair with displaced warmth, a prominent laugh with a cheery tone interjected.

“I had a lot of fun watching, too. Yep, good stuff.”

They were mere pleasantries, nothing more. But since it came from her, from Yukinoshita Haruno, it wasn’t possible to take them at face value. I frowned, sensing the unsettling presence underneath her amicable exterior, and she jovially laughed again. She joined her family with a grin that resembled the Cheshire Cat.

“This is the kind of thing Yukino-chan wanted to do, after all. That’s your plan for the future too, right?”

“Wanted to do…?” Yukinoshita’s mother tilted her head and glanced at Haruno-san.

She sneered, and then immediately looked away. Then she muttered indifferently, “Why don’t you ask her?”

Her mother shifted her gaze from the older sister to the younger. Yukinoshita’s fingers twitched, a sign of her nervousness.

“About that… I’m interested in father’s work, and I want to get involved in the future.”

Her mother placed her hand to her mouth as she listened to her daughter slowly explaining her position, almost as if she had swallowed her words of surprise. Unable to bear her mother’s fixed gaze, Yukinoshita looked down.

“I’m aware that what I did today won’t directly influence my future, and I know it won’t be a guarantee for anything, either. I’m not talking about right now, but some time in the future…” She enunciated each of her words, and took a small breath. “But for the time being, I just want you to know how I feel on the matter.”

She gradually lifted her face to meet her mother’s eyes. After listening thoroughly, her mother folded her fan and narrowed her eyes. “Is that truly how you feel…?”

Her tone was chilling, something that even I could tell just from observing. Her gaze was devoid of the tenderness moments ago, almost as if she was sizing down a rival. Everyone present held their breaths from the tension. I could physically feel the icing atmosphere. That prompted me to avert my eyes, only for me to witness Haruno-san ogling her nails in tedium.

Yukinoshita visibly flinched for an instant from her mother’s piercing glare, but eventually mustered a nod. Her mother scrutinized her daughter’s hardened expression, but suddenly broke into a smile.

“I see… I understand. If that’s truly what you want, I’ll support your decision. Let’s take it slow and think things over from now on, because there’s no need to rush.”

Yukinoshita nodded back to her smile. Then, her mother readjusted her posture. “It’s gotten rather late, so I should be on my way.” She sent a glance to Haruno-san, who returned her eye contact and indicated to go on ahead. “Have a good night.”

Yukinoshita’s mother bowed, and Hiratsuksensei accompanied her.

“I’ll walk you out.”

“Oh no, here is fine.”

“Please, I insist. I’ll walk you to the gates.”

“No, no, thank you for the kind gesture, but there are still many students here.”

“Thank you for your concern. At least allow me to walk you to the door.”

“Oh, my apologies, and thank you. Once again, thank you for taking care of my daughter today.”

Hiratsuksensei engaged Yukinoshita’s mother in a courteous tug of war, both of them trying to compromise with the other, while slowing, but surely, making way to the door.

“We should call it a night, too. Umm, attention student council members, let’s send everyone home and ensure all the doors are locked.” Isshiki clapped her hands, and the student council members dispersed, politely expressing their gratitude to all the helpers while sending them off.

As for the three of us, we were assaulted by a weariness that induced a hearty sigh from us all.

“That was kinda scary…”

“No kidding… Mothernon’s frightening…” I said with a substantial tone.

“What do you mean ‘mothernon’…?” She made a dry laugh. That, however, dissolved the strain atmosphere, and she smiled at Yukinoshita beside her. “Anyway, it’s great things worked out. Right, Yukinon?”

“Y-Yes, you’re right… Thank you.”

Yukinoshita still had a stiff smile from her nerve-wrecking confrontation with her mother. But after slowly mustering her words, her shoulders began to relax.

“Nee-san, thank you, too…” Yukinoshita whispered.

Haruno-san acted obtuse and tilted her head. “For?”

“For a lot of things, like putting in a word for me.” Yukinoshita chewed her words out of embarrassment from her questioning clarification. Her sweet, but blunt manner of speech caused Yuigahama to broadly smile.

I recalled the promise that Haruno-san made some time ago to talk to their mother for her. Surprisingly, even she acted like an older sister sometimes.

Yet, when she was thanked, she had a blank look. If anything, she looked annoyed as she combed her hair with her fingers. Then, she opened her mouth indifferently.

“Oh, that? That really wasn’t my intention when I said I’d do that for you.”

Her voice was cold and sounded as if she had no recollection of the promise. The amicable attitude she had earlier went through a complete transformation. She ignored our bewildered reactions, and inclined her head to the side with her index finger on her chin. “Hmm, well, I guess mom seemed pretty convinced? I can’t say the same for everyone else, though. Right?”

Her words, contrary to her sweet smile, couldn’t be construed as anything but malicious.

“Why are you asking us…?” Yuigahama gave her an audacious glare, and Yukinoshita seemingly squeezed Yuigahama’s hand out of reflex. In response to the growing hostility, I found myself tensing up.

However, Yukinoshita Harunoa was unaffected by the animosity and maintained her cheerful tone. “At the very least, I’m not convinced.”

“What…?”

The words flew out of my mouth. I was sure I had an inane look on my face. Haruno-san let out a ridiculing laugh.

“I can’t accept it.”

The voice that uttered those words was undeniably Yukinoshita Haruno’s. Yet there was someone else who was afflicted by those very same words. The doubt that had lay dormant in my chest was something I had sought to drag by the wayside, put to rest, and leave to rot, and now, I felt it was verbalized. The hallucination of that doubt being hit on the nose robbed me of the energy to voice my objection.

My silence oralized more than any word ever could, and Haruno-san took that as a sign to add to her words. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I honestly don’t care what happens in the family. It’s not like I want to take over the family business or anything.”

“Then…”

Yukinoshita’s attempt to respond was cut short, and what was reflected in her gaze was Haruno-san’s scornful smile. Her lips still resembling that of a smile, Haruno-san continued.

“But you know? I’ve been treated on the assumption I would the entire time, so you can’t expect me to suddenly be okay with it. I resigned myself to the fact since there wasn’t much I could do and settled on a compromise. Now this is happens…? Don’t you think it’s a bit of stretch that I’d be so readily convinced after all that?”

Yukinoshita gritted her teeth, her expression clouded from a mix of bewilderment and grief. She hung her head and reverted to a childish tone. “Why are you saying that now…?”

“That’s my line… Why are you saying how you feel now after all this time?”

Her admonishing words, stated with a soothing and gentle tone, were drenched with melancholic pity. Yukinoshita Haruno’s expression, for the first time, cracked. In seeing that face, Yukinoshita lost her voice. Subject to the gazes that watched with pity, Haruno-san narrowed her eyes to show her displeasure.

“Do you really think I can accept your decision to be even remotely equivalent to the last twenty years of my life? You’re going to have to show me something worthwhile if you seriously want me to relinquish everything to you.”

Her words sounded composed, but the aggression in her tone wasn’t subtle in the least. In contrast to her curved lips, her eyes were overwhelming, robbing our ability to even speak. She sneered at the abrupt silence.

“Anyway… I’m going to say hi to Shizukchan before going home. See you,” she said, and walked away with light steps. Before closing the door, she waved at me and left the conference room.

Until her faint footsteps disappeared completely, we were unable to lift a finger, nor were we even able to look at each other’s faces. It’s possible I was the only one with my gaze glued to the floor. With only the three of us now present, the room felt far bigger and colder than a few moments ago.

As silence and unease began to permeate, Yukinoshita muttered. “Um, I’m sorry… for the strange things my sister said.”

“It’s nothing new. I’m used to it now.”

“Oh, that’s true.” Yuigahama broadly smiled, prompting Yukinoshita to smile as well.

“I see. I’m relieved to hear you two say that.” The mood seemingly grew flaccid, but Yukinoshita still retained a cloudy expression. “But I think she was serious today. It just means those twenty years were that heavy.”

That was something only she could feel as someone who lived in the same space. But for an outsider like myself, I couldn’t imagine or even sympathize with the notion.

This clearly wasn’t the time to sneak in a boorish joke. I could tell that much. The only thing I could do was nod. However, Yuigahama chose differently.

She closed the distance between Yukinoshita and herself, one step at a time, and nestled by her side.

“Yukinon, the past year for you… for us is just as heavy. I don’t think it’s about the length.”

Yukinoshita raised her face to her gentle voice, and my eyes were similarly fixed on Yuigahama’s poignant expression. Then, Yuigahama inhaled, puffed her chest, and formed a fist with both of her hands.

“The year was just as weird, too!”

“What do you mean by weird…?”

I could feel the strength leaving my shoulders, and even my voice was pathetic by my standards. Yukinoshita also looked absentminded, but gradually began to giggle. In turn, I was able to manage a smile as well.

“Well, it was pretty weird. The Service Club was kind of insane from the beginning.”

Yukinoshita glanced at me. “Most of it was because of you, though.”

“Yep, yep. That’s why, it was a lot fun… You kept doing weird stuff all the time, so there were some sad things, some bad things, and some painful things that happened along the way, though.”

Yuigahama’s gaze slightly lowered, prompting Yukinoshita and me to follow. What we looked at were not our feet, but the trail that led us to this point. Our respective and unspoken memories populated that path.

Someday, we would reminisce on the time we spent together, a time that lasted for almost a year. We would laugh over it without touching upon what truly mattered, merely searching for the things that made us nostalgic. But for now, we reflected over the memories that strangled our chests, the experiences that agonized our hearts, and our fleeting feelings. And so, our laughter overlapped.

Yuigahama lifted her face and gave us a tender look. “But more than anything else, it was a long year full of fun, happy, and lovable things.”

“You’re right… I think I can that with confidence as well.”

“Yep.”

I retracted my jaw in response to their words. There was no need for me to say it, either. For me, this had to have been the longest year in my life. Soon, it was going to end.

Yukinoshita slowly looked over the empty conference room. “I suppose this wraps up our last job.”

Both her whispers and wandering gaze weren’t directed at us, but at various things: the long table for catering, the unused paper cups, the jet-black space beyond the window, the courtyard lights with their forlorn glow, the special building enshrouded in darkness, and the wall clock that continued to tick endlessly. In time, her gaze returned back to us.

“I think now is as good a time as any to end things once and for all, not because of what nee-san said, but because this is the best time to do so.”

“I think I’d be okay if we could keep continuing like we always have, but if that’s what you want, Yukinon, I’m fine with it, too.”

The two’s eyes misted over from their earlier transparency and were directed to me. It was as if they were waiting for my answer. But there was no point in posing the question to me, because I never had a say in the first place. I only started because I was forced by Hiratsuksensei, who was leaving at the end of the school year. The competition we were thrown into, too, ended on my loss.

That’s why, I didn’t raise an objection.

“I…”

This was fine. This was correct. There’s nothing wrong with this ending. I was convinced with everything. Just like the two said, this was what we wished for, this was the proper way for things to be, and this was our one conclusion.

In spite of all of that, I was unable to eke out another word.

My throat was lodged with my breaths and was in pain. I swallowed my moist breaths at an attempt of hydration, only to simultaneously push my words back into my lungs. I pushed against the back of my neck with my hand in hopes of squeezing out a word, but only my shallow sighs came out.

Both of them patiently waited. In the quiet room where our heavy breaths continuously echoed, I gritted my teeth. And there, a busy clamor interjected from the opening of the door to which we turned.

“Hello, everyone… Err, is something wrong?”

Isshiki returned with the student council and became startled after looking at us, perhaps sensing the abnormal mood in the room.

I shook my head. “Nothing. Are you guys done?”

“We are. We just have this room left. Anyway, thank you for your work today.”

“All right… I’ll be on my way, then.”

“Huh? We still need to clean up here…”

I hastily left the conference room without bothering to hear Isshiki’s reply. But it didn’t take more than a few steps into the hallway for my strides to begin slowing.

It was already completely dark outside, and the hallway was weakly lit by the overhead fluorescent lights. The dim space expanded before me, and I dragged my legs through it. And there, weak footsteps approached me from behind.

“Hikigaykun, wait.”

Suddenly, a distressed voice stopped me in my tracks including the weak sensation of a tug at my sleeve. I didn’t have it in me to turn around, but I couldn’t ignore it or shake it off. The fingertips that gripped my sleeve to keep me from fleeing, and only the sleeve had kept me in place. I stood still, and my lost voice turned to exhaled breaths, and I found myself gazing at the ceiling. After I was able to release everything from my lungs, I settled down before turning half of my body around.

Standing before me was Yukinoshita Yukino. Her hair that streaked darker than the night was disheveled, and she combed it into shape with her hands. She was a little out of breath, looking as if she had hurried after me. She gripped the bosom of uniform to get her breathing in control and slowly spoke.

“Um… I wanted to make sure I told you this.”

Her eyes wandered as she tried to look for her words, and eventually stopped on the windows of the hallway. Unable to look directly at her white slender profile, I looked toward the dark window. The light of the hallway shined against the glass and reflected the two of us. I watched her steadily through the glass.

“Thank you for helping me today… but I don’t mean just today, but for everything up until now. I’m sorry for putting you through so much.”

“You don’t need to apologize. If anything, I’m the one who put you through a lot more. Why don’t we just call it even?”

In the glass reflection, I gave her a half-smile. When our eyes met in the reflection, she smiled.

“You’re right, you really were quite the handful. Even it is, then.” She teased with a buoyant voice. However, her expression reflected in the glass looked transient, though that may have been the fault of the lighting.

“Thank you so much for all the times you’ve helped me. But… I’ll be fine now. From now on, I’ll do my best to handle things better on my own.”

She strengthened the grip on my sleeve ever so slightly, and that prompted me to turn to her. The high beams of passing cars on the road the main building faced lit the dark hallway for an instant. I narrowed my eyes from the glare, and in that moment, I was able to catch sight of her expression that looked to be on the verge of tears.

“That’s why…”

The roar of the engines and the bluish-white lights disappeared into the distance along with her voice. Even though I wasn’t able to hear the continuation of her words, I had a rough idea of what idea what they were.

They were the very same words that had been on a repetitive refrain in my chest ever since the day from a few days ago when I had shut the door to the clubroom and released my fingers from the cold knob; the words, “It’s fine,” and “Let’s put an end to this.”

“Yeah, I understand. Don’t worry.” In truth, I really didn’t understand a thing, and they were merely words to end the conversation. “See you.”

Even though I gave her my parting words, her fingertips showed no sign of letting go of my sleeve. It wasn’t like she was gripping tightly. I could’ve easily shaken them off with a weak pull of my sleeve. But her fingers appeared so delicate, I didn’t have it in me to treat them in a rough manner.

That’s why, using my boorish fingers, I did my utmost to be as gentle as possible as if I was handling a broken object when I touched her fingers and gently, but surely, pulled her fingers away. Reluctant from making physical contact with her, my fingertips trembled. Or perhaps, her fingers were the ones that trembled from the sudden contact. But before I could confirm either, our fingers separated.

“Bye…”

I thrust my fingers into my pockets, feeling the chill at the tips, and turned. I left the place without looking back. But no matter how much time had passed, I could only hear the sound of one set of footsteps echoing in the hallway.

X X X

On the second floor of the main building, the lights of the entrance to the office for visitors were switched off. The light in the office that was visible from the left of the doorway was on, but due to its weak intensity, the entrance was dim.

Despite the darkness, the light that poured in through the small window of the reception room allowed me to catch sight of the woman pressing her back against the glass door. There wasn’t any need for me to guess who the stature belonged to; it was Yukinoshita Haruno.

Haruno-san looked to be passing the time by occupying herself with her smartphone. The backlight of her screen illuminated her well-kept and beautiful features. But she gave off an impression much colder than usual because of the apathy that filled her face.

Upon hearing my footsteps, she glanced in my direction. Because her eyes were aimed downwards and the glare of the street lights, I wasn’t able to perceive her expression, but it looked as if she was giggling.

It was only when she stepped away from the door that I could see her face clearly. With frigid eyes and a gloomy smile, she teasingly said, “You ran away, after all.”

My brow flinched in reaction, and I was on the verge of clicking my tongue. In seeing my distorted expression, Haruno-san cackled.

I really couldn’t deal with this person, because it felt like she could always see through my mind and intentions. In hopes of showing some semblance of resistance, I snapped back.

“That’s rich, since you’re the one that called me here.”

She merely shrugged, neither denying my words or looking fazed.

Right before she left the conference room, she deliberately hinted at where she would be while giving an implicating glance. Any would fool would understand those signals. I really could’ve just ignored her and gone straight home, but then she would’ve found a different way to get in touch, either through Hayama or through Komachi. That’s what she had always done in the past. To save myself the trouble, I decided to confront her now.

At the end of the day, I couldn’t ignore this person.

Her penetrating words, her dreadful tone that pricked at your throat, the glint in her eyes that were sharp enough to freeze over, her beautiful profile that resembled her little sister, her mature and cheerful mask, the occasional display of her innocence, and her lamentable kind smile were all things that weighed down my mind, something I was sure she knew as well. But even though I knew I was dancing in the palm of her hands, I still had to ask.

“Why would you say those things? Just what in the world are you trying to do?”

Irritation dyed my question, and I spat out the question that had been lurking in the pits of my stomach.

Yukinoshita Haruno’s conduct would always send ripples into my heart, or rather, our hearts. Even when we were finally trying to put an end to things peacefully, she barged in with a rock to introduce even more problems.

I wouldn’t stand for her making things messier than they already were.

My words became sharper than I had thought, and my tone turned rough. She confronted my glare with a collected demeanor.

“I already told you. Anything works for me, and I’m okay with one way or the other. I don’t really care about my family’s situation, either. It really doesn’t matter if it’s Yukino-chan that succeeds the family, or if it’s me.” In hearing something she had similarly spat out earlier, I sighed. That prompted her to look beyond the glass window. “I just want to be convinced, no matter the ending.”

Her additional words were almost a repetition of what she had just said, so they meant nothing. But there was a lonely timbre in her voice that resembled pity.

Once again, I could no longer understand Yukinoshita Haruno.

There were times where she’d hide her good intentions behind a veil of malice and act as the devil’s advocate so she could be detested or disliked. On the other hand, there were times when she’d talk in an extremely gentle way and show a sorrowful side to her. If this contrasting behavior was all an act, I could only throw in the towel. Regardless of what I did, I would always be in the palm of her hand.

“Are you saying we should show our sincerity? Are you the yakuza of feelings…?”

I let out a loud sigh in complete perplexity at her and made a ridiculing smile. Fond of my reaction, she giggled. “I won’t deny that, but… I don’t think my mother’s convinced, either.”

“She seemed optimistic, though?” I said, remembering her amicable smile.

Haruno-san burst into laughter, giving me an inane look. “She’s not the kind of person who’d be convinced that easily. It’s why she only gave a non-answer, which basically confirmed nothing. I’m sure Yukino-chan’s aware of it, though.”

Her manner of speaking which merely demonstrated her understanding of the situation without a yay or a nay and postponed the issue for later was just like a form of diplomacy. And it seemed Yukinoshita must’ve caught on to that. It only hit me now that her tense smile and stiff shoulders were indicative of that.

“You’re not family for nothing…”

It was only because they had accumulated the time together that they were able to accurately interpret each other’s intricate feelings. Komachi and I were a testament to that.

Having known her for less than a year, I couldn’t read that far. When it came to her mother and older sister’s change in expressions, gestures, and meaingful words, reading them was impossible.

I had the sentiment that there wasn’t much I could do about that, but Haruno-san saw through that and added with a laugh. “Anyone could tell if they were there. It doesn’t have to be me, her older sister, or her mother, either. I’m sure as her friends, you could tell too, right?”

“We’re not close enough to be considered friends, so it’s hard to say.”

“That’s your answer after everything that’s happened? You’re the best… You really are stubborn.” Despite her smile, her gaze was as cold as ever. Losing interest, she let out a bored sigh and opened the glass door. “I doubt anyone was convinced.” She made a passing remark and went outside.

I followed after her and stepped down the floor plank. But I was still wearing my indoor slippers. I gave my footwear a bitter glare and clicked my tongue. Changing my shoes would’ve been too much work, so I went outside with my indoor slippers and hurried down the stairs.

“Um, why is that?” I caught up to her after descending the stairs and asked.

She stopped and slowly turned around to me. Her black pupils that reflected the glow of the street lights was thinly moist, and the gaze I could see directly looked as if it was in tears. “Because… her wish is just a form of compensation.”

That single word alone made me feel my legs shake, and I found myself stumbling.

Compensation; the act of gratifying one’s original desire through another goal because the initial goal could not be achieved due to some obstructing factor. In short, it was a form of deceiving yourself with something fake. If her wish was merely a means of deceiving herself over something, would I really be able to acknowledge that?

I stood there speechless. She looked at me, took one step up the stairs to level her eyes with mine, and gently whispered. “The three of you, Yukino-chan, Hikigaykun, and Gahamchan, did your best to convince yourselves, right? You tell yourselves for the sake of it, you find the right words for the sake of it, and you avert your eyes from it…”

Stop it. Don’t say anymore. I was well aware of it. But no matter how much I pleaded, she continued further, her gaze turning into pity, and her tone turning into consoling.

“You make excuses for it, and you rationalize it… You do that to look the other way just so you could fool yourselves, right?”

Her recitation was disinterested in any semblance of a reply from me, and I heard it all too well. Her voice, her breaths, and her words penetrated my chest as if it as being eroded by water.

A bellow that I couldn’t tell was my inhaling breaths or exhaling breaths clogged my lungs, making me unable to use my voice.

I knew all along. I gloated with some excuse like the pride of a man, yet what I did was ultimately no different from what I had been doing before. No, it was even worse, because I was coercing those two into swallowing a huge lie.

I gritted the back of my teeth with a strength that could shatter them. Haruno-san gently rubbed my cheek, moving her long and slender fingers as if she was handling a broken object.

“That’s why, I told you before.” She made a faint smile, slipped her finger from my cheek, and poked my chest. “You can’t get drunk.”

“I guess so…” I said, wringing out my voice.

Haruno-san formed a smile that resembled hers and twisted in sorrow. That ephemeral smile looked like it could even break into tears and stabbed at my chest.

Right before the stage blacked out, I looked down toward the opposing stage wing to see her wave back with a transient smile. The pain that tormented me then was now tormenting me once again.

“If you don’t end things properly, it’ll fester for the rest of your life. It’ll never end. I know, because I’ve been deceiving myself that way for the past twenty years. I’ve been living a life like some kind of imitation.”

Her repenting monologue was both fragile and fickle, and her eyes that looked into the distance were moist. Her maturity and alluring spontaneity were nowhere to be seen, and she seemed even more childish than me.

It felt like I was able to get a glimpse of who Yukinoshita Haruno truly was for the very first time.

Ignoring my perplexed state, she took a step back and turned her back. “Hey, Hikigaykun, does something genuine really exist…?”

The night wind carried her lonely words away into the darkness. She combed her disordered hair and walked away as if pursuing the direction of the wind. She descended the stairs and upon approaching the school gates, she turned back and waved with a gentle smile.

I could only stand there in a daze and watch her beautiful upright figure from behind. I didn’t even have the energy to wave back. When she completely disappeared from my sight, my legs buckled and I sank onto the stairs.

All I wanted was for Yukinoshita Yukino to make her choice, to make her decision, and to say her words from the bottom of her heart. But if those were all just part of her wish that amounted to nothing more than compensation as a result of her resignation, then her answer was wrong.

Her words contained no lies, but it was the process that led to her answer that was twisted. No, the one who twisted it was me, Hikigaya Hachiman.

I was well aware that there could only be one answer, yet I continued to avoid choosing it, I made excuses to push it along, and I forced a twisted deception onto her through an act of fallacious swindling.

I depended on her kindness, I indulged in her sincerity, and I pretended to be drunk on a momentary dream, all so I could insist that it was the right answer.

Calling it wrong at this point was beyond a simple case of being presumptuous. It was a hopeless imitation that disgraced your worth by merely existing.

X X X

As the shades of night covered the school building, I sat on the stairs inattentively, ignoring the chilling breeze. Several cars had driven by on the road in front of me, but beyond that, nothing else had moved. It was long past the time for students to head home, so not a single soul was in sight.

I continued sitting, unable to muster the energy to rise, and the glass door behind me opened. I could hear the loud tapping noise of footsteps and I turned my head. I promptly received a light impact at the top of my head.

“Hey, don’t wear your slippers outside.”

I looked up to see Hiratsuksensei had just given me a karate chop. I rubbed my head thinking how it had been a while since I received one, and she sighed. She then presented her chopping hand.

“I was just about to lock up. Hurry up and go get your shoes.”

It’s gotten late, so I really shouldn’t loiter here all day. I didn’t check the time, but I knew a fair amount of time had passed. Urged on, I finally got to my feet and brushed off the sand on my coat.

I began climbing one step at a time, and Hiratsuksensei crossed her arms with a sigh, making sure I was on my way home. After making to the top, I nodded to her and entered the school building.

The lights of the office and faculty room were still on, though that mostly wasn’t the case for the hallway. It was easy to navigate through the darkness because of the glow from outside and the emergency exit lights, but my gait was heavy. With how late it was, it had gotten fairly chilly, so I had to hug myself to stay warm.

“Hikigaya.”

I was called from behind, and I turned to see Hiratsuksensei was quietly following me. On closer inspection, she was walking in only her socks and wasn’t wearing any footwear. She was prepared to head home with her court shoes in hand. She walked alongside me, wearing a coat instead of her white gown, and lightly patted my back to straight my back.

She smiled. “It’s gotten late, so I’ll take you home.”

“No, that’s okay. I have my bike.”

“Now, now, don’t be modest. Just leave your bike here.”

What’s with her? Was she some bike spirit or something? She pushed me along in a hurry without lending an ear to my protest. In the end, we made it to the entrance together, and then I was partly dragged to the parking lot.

The lot was empty with only about two to three cars present. One of them was a foreign luxury car that looked out of place for a school, and its headlights flashed on, activated by Hiratsuksensei’s smart key. When she walked up to her beloved car, she made furtive looks around and beckoned me over.

“Get in quick. Like, now.”

“Right…”

I sat in the passenger’s seat as she demanded and fastened my seat belt. She quickly took the driver’s seat and turned on the engine, which caused a low rumbling noise in my stomach. After pressing the gas pedal, the car accelerated forward. I rested against the seat. It’s been a while since she had given me a ride, but the leather seat looked to be well-maintained and was comfortable. The aluminum cover that surrounded the gearshift shined with a polish, making it clear she was taking care of her car.

It made me think of her messy desk in the faculty’s office. I was about to let out a sarcastic laugh at the thought, but when I realized that I wouldn’t see the mountain of things on there like documents, figures, and cups of ramen anymore, I felt a little empty and looked out the window.

As we traveled from the school to my home, the orange hue of the street lights came and went. Hiratsuksensei directed the car knowing where to go and hummed, which then suddenly stopped.

“First things first, good work with the prom.”

“Sure. I didn’t really do much, though.”

“That’s not true. You did well. I would love to celebrate over a drink, but I’m driving today.”

“I’m not old enough, though…”

She continued looking forward with a chuckle.

“Good point. Something to look forward to in three years, then.”

I choked on my voice. I could’ve just responded with a few words, but my mouth was left open in a dumb way. The car stereo filled the silence with a mellow tune.

“What’s wrong? Even I get hurt if you just ignore me.”

Her sulking voice snapped me out of it, and I looked over to see she was pouting.

“Oh, sorry, I was having trouble imagining it…” I tried to laugh it off.

She inclined her head and questioned me with a side glance. “You can’t imagine what? Becoming an adult? Or that we’ll still be in touch after three years?”

I would become an adult eventually, even if nothing happened. But the idea of becoming an adult was hard to swallow.

Working and having a family, to make a living was something that would work out as long you worked hard and had some luck. It was easy to imagine. But was that grounds for being considered an adult? I wasn’t really sure. If we accounted the inhumane people out there who had nothing to show except for their age and abused their own children, age and social positions didn’t make for good criteria for what constitutes an adult.

But well, you could live out your life without breaking laws or hurting others. Given a range of 10 to 20 years, there would be several occasions in your life where you would see a course correction. But the mention of 3 years made it hard to picture for how realistic of a number it was.

“Well, both… If I had to pick one, then the latter.”

It’s hard to imagine staying in touch with anyone considering my personality.. She sighed at my honest response.

She decelerated the car to a stop upon hitting a red light. While stopped, she made a small opening in the window with a power switch and used her free hand to place a cigarette in her mouth. There was a brief sound of scraping flint, and a spark lit the interior of the car. The small flame illuminated Hiratsuksensei’s graceful profile for only a second.

The light eventually turned green, and the puffed smoke escaped through the opening of the window, which in turn was replaced with the chilling night wind and her warm words.

“You don’t get it, do you? People don’t end their relationships that easily. Even if you don’t get to see each other every day, you’ll see each other at least once every three months, like at someone’s birthday party, or when you go out for drinks.”

“Is that how it works?”

Still looking forward, she nodded and continued, “Eventually, you’ll only meet once every 6 months to once a year. You’ll stop seeing other less and less, and then you’ll only ever really meet during family occasions or class reunions. And lastly, you’ll stop remembering them ever again.”

“I see… Hm? Wait. Things ended pretty easily there, didn’t they?”

Her slow and enunciating tone had me convinced, but no matter how I took her words, things clearly ended a lot easier than expected. Based on what she told me, human relationships were quick to end.

“It’s only if you don’t do anything.” She pushed her cigarette into the ash tray and laughed. “Do you mind if we take a quick detour?”

“Whatever you’d like.”

I had no right to complain since I was being given a ride. She triggered her signal in response and turned her steering wheel. I looked out the window to see where she was taking me, and we eventually entered the national highway and headed directly opposite from my home.

Hiratsuksensei hummed along with the car stereo in high spirits and pressed on the gas pedal. The engine roared, and all of the street lights, car lights, and tail lights of nearby cars flew behind us.

Large trucks and trailers became more frequent and factories in the distant became visible. She then decelerated and turned on her signal while turning into a facility on the left. We slowly entered a wide parking lot and stopped near something akin to an entrance. She shifted her gear to parking, enabled her emergency brake, and turned off the engine. We arrived at our destination.

“We’re here,” she said, and got off the car.

I examined the building, and it looked to be a large-scale game center. A large green net surrounded a portion of the roof and occasional dull but pleasant cracking noises could be heard from there, which made it evident there was a batting center facility here.

I stood there absentmindedly and Hiratsuksensei motioned me over. I followed after her, who walked with a familiar gait. Upon entering the building, all kinds of noises that belonged to a typical game center could be heard. There were arcade cabinets, darts, ping pong, free throw, simulation golf, and all sorts of other games; there was plenty to do here.

However, Hiratsuksensei paid them no attention and headed directly for the center stairs, hurrying to the batting center above.

“Oh, we made it just on time for the time slot for metal bats.”

I looked at the information bulletin to see that the metal bats were replaced nightly for noise prevention.

Hiratsuksensei quickly purchased a stack of coins, removed her jacket, and tossed it to me.

“Hold it,” she said, and folded her cuffs. She slipped past the green net and into the batting box.

After inserting the coins, she positioned herself in the right batter box, gripped her bat, and practiced swinging. She had a good and balanced form. She then pointed her bat to the front, pulled up her sleeve, and was ready to bat. Ohh, she’s really giving off the image…

i-0299_01

The pitcher displayed on the LCD took the windup position… and there goes the first pitch!

“Hatsushiba!” Hiratsuksensei shouted as she swung, leading to the cracking sound of her bat. The ball drew a large arc past the machine, and I clapped my hands with a cheering voice. She grinned and assumed her batting stance again for her second pitch.

“Hori! Saburo! Satosaki! Fukuura!”

The pitches came one by one, and every time she made contact, she called out the names of past famous players from the Chiba Marines. In addition, she yelled out Ootsuka, Kuroki, and Julio Franco. The batting order she made was nonsensical, but the lineup was quite refined and was full of great choices.

She was screaming with all her might for every name, but her batting form was the exact same for each one, so it was hard to say if there was any meaning behind any of them. For one thing, Fukuura was a left-handed batter, and Kuroki was a pitcher… More importantly, the people she mentioned all retired from the team, so Hiratsuksensei’s age was a real head-scratcher!

With how often she was making contact, it looked almost too easy, but the pitches were going at 130 km/h. This person’s nuts, she should try going pro. Didn’t the Lotte Marines let anyone in? After working up a sweat from 20 hits, she made her way back through the net while flapping her shirt at her bosom. It’d be nice if she could stop doing that because it made it hard to look…

“Why don’t you give it a try, Hikigaya?”

“No, that’s okay…”

I tried to refuse but was unable to when she flicked a coin over to me. Now, I had to get in there… I had no experience batting, so hitting 130/km pitches was out of the question. Instead, I went to the booth that pitched at 100 km/h. When I started doing practice swings similar to Hiratsuksensei, I could see her watching me with crossed arms from behind me and mumbling like some kind of expert. She’s just making it more difficult to get into this…

I stood in the batter box, and the first pitch flew by; it was a lot faster than I thought, yeah. I swung with all my strength and completely missed. I couldn’t hit it… What was I supposed to do? I thought, and I was given some encouragement from behind.

“Keep your eye on the ball. Choke up on your bat. Your arm’s too far out. Don’t aim for a large hit. Take it slow as you get the timing down.”

She’s so picky… I thought. I tapped the tip of my bat on the home base and assumed my stance. I made adjustments according to Hiratsuksensei’s advice and made a compact swing. This time, there was a crack of the bat and the colliding metallic noise from the fences. Feeling the tingle in my hands from the impact, I turned around to see her nodding back with a thumbs-up and a wink. Either from glee or shyness, I let out a small laugh.

All right, I think I got the hang of this… I took my stance for the third pitch and got immersed in the batting. After going through all of the pitches, sometimes missing, sometimes making poor contact, and sometimes hearing the pleasant cracks of the bat, I let out a hearty breath. When I left the batter box, I could see Hiratsuksensei on the bench beyond the net smoking. In her hands, she had drinks and bakudan-yaki1 that she went to buy at some point.

“Mm.”

“Oh, thank you.” I accepted the MAX COFFEE and sat beside her.

“Feeling better now?”

“If moving your body was enough to make you feel better, athletes wouldn’t resort to drugs.”

With her gentle gaze on me, I couldn’t help but give her a mean-spirited retort from embarrassment. She took it in stride with a wry smile. “You really aren’t cute, you know that?”

“Right… but I do appreciate that you’re looking out for me. Sorry for being so much trouble at the very end,” I said.

She stared at me and then sighed. She brushed her long hair aside and placed her hand on my head. “The problem with you is that sometimes you show off that cute side of yours,” she said, and roughly rubbed my head. It was both embarrassing and awkward when she did that, but it was mostly painful. I took about a fist’s worth of distance to escape her hand, and she eventually released her hand.

The corner of her lips formed a smile, and she placed a cigarette in between. She snapped the flint on her oil lighter, puffed out a thin layer of smoke, and whispered, “What were you doing back there?”

“Ah… nothing much.” I stumbled over my words from her sudden question, but she gave an all-knowing smile.

“Did Haruno say something to you?”

“Well, a bit.” I uttered in distress, but she continued to gaze at me, waiting for me to continue. Knowing there wasn’t any point in trying to dodge the issue anymore, I bared my unsorted thoughts into the open. “She said I can’t get drunk, just like her.”

“Well, that’s true for Haruno… though it doesn’t sound like you’re talking about alcohol.”

To her slightly perplexed question, I nodded back. “I guess… she meant something along the lines of the atmosphere or relationships. According to her, our relationship is just a form of codependency. I didn’t want to admit it, so I tried to fight back, but… it’s hard, to say the least.”

Had she been any other person, I wouldn’t have said any of this. I wouldn’t have been able to. The thought of my weakness being exposed to anyone was just something I couldn’t handle, not because of my cowardly self-esteem, but because of my arrogant sense of shame. It’s why no matter how much someone hounded me, I would find a way to play the fool, sidestep the issue, and throw a smoke screen.

But Hiratsuksensei was the one person I didn’t have to put up a front with, someone I didn’t have to step around. She was a far bigger adult than I could ever be, and she would always draw the line for me.

She continued smoking, choosing not interject anything unnecessary, and gave some thought to my words.

“Codependency, huh? It’s just like Haruno to use a word like that, but she’s using it like a figure of speech. She understands, but she chooses to say it that way, anyway… It sounds like she’s pretty fond of you.”

“Haha… that doesn’t make me happy at all…”

“I suppose you can interpret in the same way as Haruno if you look at it from a cynical perspective… Oh, then again, the both of you are good at that.” She jested with her trailing remark, and I let out an empty laugh. She smiled, stubbed her cigarette in the ashtray, and turned to me. “But that’s not how I see it. Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and you don’t have that kind of relationship.”

Th thin lingering white smoke vanished, leaving only the overwhelming odor of tar, something I had gotten accustomed to. One day, this, too, would turn into something nostalgic, because no one around me smoked.

“Don’t get caught up on a simple word like codependency.”

She extended her fingertips, doused with a smell I wouldn’t possibly forget, and held my shoulder.

“Maybe you’ve already convinced yourself that’s how things are, but don’t let those borrowed words twist a person’s feelings… Don’t let those feelings be summed up with some simple notation.” She gazed into my eyes and affectionately asked, “Is a single word enough to sum up your feelings?”

“No way… if it did, I wouldn’t stand for it. I don’t even think words can get them across right in the first place.”

Even now, they couldn’t even verbalize any of my thoughts, ideologies, and emotions in the least. If they didn’t mean anything, then they were no different from the cries of a beast. It would just be the act of curling your tail saying it’s fine that things didn’t get across, even though you were howling to not generalize everything into a single emotion and baring your fangs because there was no way things could possibly get across.

I unknowingly squeezed my coffee in vexation. However, Hiratsuksensei released her hand from my shoulder and nodded in satisfaction.

“You already have the answer, but you don’t know how to express it, that’s all. That’s the reason why you’re trying to put it into simple words that make sense to you. You’re trying to apply your answer to those words and leave it at that.”

That may have been true. I clung on to the word of codependency that encompassed all of the good, the bad, love, and hatred, because I felt it could express my emotions in the most straightforward way. I didn’t have to think about anything else just by touting the word. This was none other than ceasing thought and running from reality.

“But you see, there isn’t just one way to do it. A single word can be expressed in an endless number of ways.” She retrieved a pen from her breast pocket and elatedly waved it like a magician’s wand. She then began writing on a paper napkin. “For example, there’s a lot of things I can say about you, like how I think you’re a pain, a loser, too complicated, or how I’m worried about your future…” She would scribe each one she stated onto the napkin.

“Ohh, that’s a lot of mean stuff you’re writing down…”

“These aren’t all of them. I’ve got so much more it’d be too much of a hassle to say them all.”

Then, she stopped writing altogether and began to blot the words. She ran the pen across the napkin to smear it in ink. It gradually became stained from one end to the other, leaving only the center white. Before long, the center was also dabbed in the black and the remaining white space slowly took the shape of a word.

“But if I were to lump them all together…” Before I could ascertain what the word would turn into, Hiratsuksensei thrust the napkin toward me. “It means I like you.”

“Huh? Ah, r-right…?”

I looked at the napkin and in the black canvas was the word “Iike” written in white. All sorts of emotions welled up me like surprise, bewilderment, happiness, embarrassment, shyness, and many others, but I still couldn’t react properly.

“Don’t be shy. As far as I’m concerned, you’re my best student. In that sense, I really am quite fond of you.”

She smiled like a brat who successfully pulled off a prank and roughly rubbed my head again. Phew, close call. Seriously, that’s what you meant? Like, really close call. I thought she was being serious, and I was this close to saying I liked her back, too. My scalp was totally sweating.

I twisted my body away to free my head from her hand and felt relieved. She gave me a pleasing look and lit another cigarette.

“If a single word isn’t enough, keep looking. If you can’t trust words, then let your actions speak for themselves.” She exhaled smoke and followed it with her eyes, and past her profile, I did the same. “It doesn’t matter what words you find or what actions you take. Just keep at it like you’re gathering dots until you’re finally able to connect them all to the answer that suits you best. The words etched in white on your black canvas may very well be what you’re searching for.”

The floating smoke soon disappeared, and beyond it was Hiratsuksensei setting her gaze closely on me. “That’s why, show me. While I’m still your teacher, show me your answer after baring all of your thoughts and feelings. Show it off to me in a way that’ll make me speechless.”

“Everything, huh?” I asked.

Hiratsuksensei made a fist in front of her chest and pumped her head. “That’s right. Show me all the extrextra toppings.”

“What is this, ramen?” I let out a listless sigh, and she smiled, which relieved my body of its stiffness. In turn, I was able to make a lax smile. “Well, I’ll give it a try. I’m not too confident it’ll make me easier to understand, though.”

“No one would have it hard if it was that simple, but if it’s you, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Marking the end of the conversation, she patted my shoulder and stretched. “Anyway, let’s grab some ramen on the way back. How about Naritake?”

“Oh, that sounds nice.”

“Right?”

She made a nihilistic smile, smothered her cigarette, and stood up. I rose from my seat right after. While we were walking back and chatting, Hiratsuksensei was always a few steps ahead of me. In seeing her stature from behind, I stopped.

Her dignified upright posture exuded an elegance that I could never hope to reach. But as the one individual whom I respected and could truly call my mentor, I wanted her to watch me and to ascertain with her own eyes the answer I would arrive at.

No matter how unsightly, disgusting, and wretched it was, no matter how despicable and hopelessly pathetic it was, I had to show her the answer of Hikigaya Hachiman.

Indeed, there was nothing wrong with things ending. However, what was wrong was how they ended.

Our relationship that became dependent on borrowed words, accommodated a sham of a compromise, and was twisted beyond repair was something we had truly never wished for, a hopeless imitation.

That’s why, the least I could do was inflict enough damage to destroy this imitation, so it could transform into the one and only thing that could truly be called genuine.

I will put an end to my youth, the youth that became wrong by my own will.

Chapter end