The Cartographer Of Memory 17 A Memento for the Forgotten

and don't work like I used to and

I am thrown away inside a pit and covered with red soil and father says my sisters must hush that I am dissolved

into memory now and must be forgotten because I am a little broken and don't work and it is dark inside this pit and it is hard to be alone and my head is banging

like there is a church bell singing inside my brain and I try to cry but the water is not coming through and there are voices stuck in my throat and I try to call the name of god

but he doesn't answer and I wonder if he doesn't like me too because I look like sin

but mama said he loves little children

and mama does not lie like pa and I don't understand why he wouldn't answer if I am truly a child

and flower and innocent and helpless and crying and I close my eyes because they are heavy and tired of fighting and remember all the times I was not in a hole smelling of death and looking like sin and it is December again and my room is blue and the flowers are red and god is shining his light through the window and smiling and the choir is singing
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Noel on radio and I want to melt into hymns and honey but this happiness

is suddenly too heavy for my heart

like I am carrying dead people in my chest and I stop thinking because it hurts too and I call the name of god again

and he still doesn't answer and I think maybe pa is right maybe I am truly dissolved into memory like an old dream

and this is where old songs come to die and this story is almost ending now and I am still afraid of the dark

but I still don't understand

why god's light wouldn't reach out to me if I am truly a child and flower

and innocent and helpless and crying.

Chapter end