Rebirth Part 13

She opened her eyes without moving and saw that Dor was at the table with Lester, dressed, his hair wet, reading a paperback book. How had she slept through everything-the sounds of people waking, dressing, making coffee?

Dor turned a page. He lifted his mug to his lips. Set it down.

Ruthie nestled close against Cass's chest and Cass tried to put everything out of her mind but her daughter. I am here I am here I am here for you. But only hours ago, there had been nothing in her mind but crazy rage as she bit down on Dor's hand and silently screamed, not five yards away.

She had to go to the bathroom. She wanted to clean herself and she had to pee. She grated her teeth against each other and got out of bed as carefully as she could, pulling the covers back in place and smoothing them down.

"Good morning," she mumbled, not looking at anyone.

When she returned a little while later with Lester, feeling a little calmer after a shower of lukewarm water in a public stall, Kaufman was there as well and food trays had arrived. Cass checked on Ruthie, who was still sleeping. Over on the other side of the room, Malena and her son slept, too. The woman had to be exhausted from her round-the-clock vigil. Well-almost around the clock, anyway, Cass thought. No one had been awake besides her and Dor, at least for a little while.

Malena was going to wake up sore. She had pulled a straight-backed chair close to the recliner where her son lay, and leaned against his shoulder, her head at an uncomfortable angle, her hands clasped in her lap. As Cass watched, the woman shifted in her chair, her eyelids fluttering and her mouth forming silent words. She woke with a start, a muffled exhalation, and her hands went straight to her son's face and her fingers danced under his jaw, searching for a pulse and then, when she found it, clasping his face gently. She caressed his hair as he slept on, unmoving. In the morning light Cass could see that his skin was sallow and waxy. He looked desperately ill, and if Cass had to guess she wouldn't expect him to live many more days, and the thought was too much and so she busied herself with making the bed.

When someone touched her shoulder, Cass startled and backed away, but it was only Malena. "You'll stay with him," she said urgently. Up close Cass could see the deep grooves in her skin, the bruise-purple smudges beneath her eyes, the sagging of the pale crepey skin under her chin. Her coarse hair was salted with gray, loose strands clinging to the fabric of her coat. She smelled of many days without washing, and her breath made Cass turn away.

"Stay with Devin. Please. I'll be just a minute," she repeated.

"Come on, Malena," Lester called from across the room. He sounded indifferent, even irritated, but Cass remembered the night before, his muffled sobs. Cass knew that equation well. He didn't have enough left over to care about Malena. "Come with me now, you can have a nice shower."

"I'll stay with him." Dor set down his coffee mug and book. "I'm glad to. I'll watch him, your boy. I'll make sure he's okay."

The woman's eyes darted back and forth between Dor and Cass. "But it has to be..."

Cass knew what she meant: a woman. It has to be a woman, a mother.

"No. You go with Cass. Take a little time for yourself. I'll watch him."

Dor said it with finality, firmly. It was his way, to take charge, to feel responsible. Cass realized she'd never seen it that way before; she'd always thought of the Box as his trophy, a symbol of his striving and his wealth. But it was also his sanctuary, one he shared with anyone who came along...unselfishly. Bravely. She had wanted to think his controlling and calculating was exclusively for his own gain. But maybe it really was for other people.

"Come on," she said, linking her arm with Malena's, finding it thin and bony. "Let's go. We need to go for a few minutes. It's going to be fine. Dor will take good care of your son."

Malena allowed herself to be led, like a child, looking over her shoulder at the sleeping young man the whole way. Lester walked in front of them and Malena leaned practically weightless on Cass's arm. "Devin will be nineteen next March," she said, and Cass knew that the boy would never see another March.

"He's a handsome boy," she said softly.

"He needs Beclosterone. Only twenty milligrams twice a day, that's not so much. And they have it here. You know they have it here, the Rebuilders? You know that?"

Cass nodded, though she had never heard of Beclosterone and while she was sure that the Rebuilders stockpiled medicine as well as everything else, she also knew that they would not spare medication for a boy who was this sick. After all, he couldn't work, and even though he looked like he was starving he was still a drain on resources.

"We find out today if we're outliers. We get the results today."

"Do you think...you are?" Even as Cass asked the question she knew it couldn't be true, that the woman's desperate hopes would be dashed.

"Yes," Malena said too quickly. "Yes, I'm sure of it. Devin, anyway. He's always been special, ever since he was born." Her eyes flickered and burned, and the skin at the corner of her mouth twitched with a manic tic. Cass wondered if she was losing touch with reality after her long journey, little food, little sleep. "Did you see him?"

"Yes, I did," Cass said softly.

"All he needs is just twenty milligrams of Beclosterone. Every day. But even every other day would help. It would be something. Do you know that when he was born he had a full head of hair? A fair child like him-do you know how rare that is?"

Cass murmured sympathetically, but Malena didn't seem to hear; she went right on talking.

"He took his first steps before he was eleven months old. Never crawled. Just that determined, he was. When they diagnosed his asthma, they said I'd always have to limit his activities. But I said no. I said, Devin will never allow that. He needs to be up and around, with all the other boys. He played varsity soccer his sophomore year. And that's on a team that went to State three of the five years he was in high school. And he never sat out a game. With his meds he does perfectly well."

They had arrived at the bathroom, Lester nodding at them to go in. Cass led Malena inside and she looked around as though surprised to find herself there. "I'll just be a moment," she said, with a trace of dignity, and Cass saw a shadow of the woman she must have once been-a suburban mother who had a weekly manicure and sat in the stands at every one of her son's games, cheering every time he even came close to making a goal.

But when Malena emerged from the stall, she began talking again, not even looking in the mirror as she made a halfhearted effort to wash her hands.

"They say if Devin's an outlier he can have his medication. Then he'll be just fine again. They do so much for the outliers."

"Like what?"

"They get all the best things. Everything they need. Medicine. Food. Everything. And they don't have to work, not hard labor anyway." She flapped her damp hands. "Devin's not cut out for manual labor."

"He's... You take good care of him."

"In Tapp," Malena continued, not listening. "We had the whole day in Tapp, all those tests, there was a lady who talked to us. She liked Devin. She could tell he was special. I think she could tell he was an outlier."

She was clearly teetering on the line between reality and wild hope. Maybe someone in the clinic really had talked to Malena, given her a false sense of promise. Felt sorry for her, no doubt-one look at her son's poor ravaged body would pull anyone's heartstrings. Cass wondered if it was worth trying to tease out the facts from the fantasy. "What about families? Do they break them up? I mean, if one of them's an outlier?"

Malena's face, which had been bright with possibility, lost some of its energy. She stared down at the basin of water, the thin film of grime on top, and frowned. "Well. I don't know. I mean. I think I would go with him, as his caretaker. I've been there for Devin his whole life. It wouldn't make sense for me not to."

Cass sighed, and decided she'd pushed Malena as far as she could without sending her into an anxious spin. She thought about the first time she met Evangeline, how excited she had been that Cass was an outlier, the promises she'd made for a privileged future. Was it so hard to believe that the Rebuilders would cherish their outliers, treat them with a measure of respect? Was that why Evangeline had come to despise her, knowing Cass had turned away from the privileges the Rebuilders promised? Privileges maybe even she didn't get?

They were still half a dozen paces from Ellis's front door when Malena suddenly stopped and clutched Cass's arm.

"Mr. Pace is back," she whispered, "There he is."

And indeed, Pace stood in the doorway, sipping from a bottle of water, looking well rested in a fresh, ironed camo shirt, his hair damp and combed back from his forehead. Cass could feel her hands tremble as Malena tugged her closer.

"This means he's in. Mr. Pace must be here to get him. Oh my God, I knew it, this mean's Devin's in!"

She broke away and ran the rest of the way, Cass close behind. Her anxiety swelled into full-scale dread. If Pace really was here to greet outliers... Suddenly she wished she'd been honest with Malena from the start, if only to have prevented this moment, this false gift of hope which now seemed like the greatest cruelty.

Malena rushed up to Pace as though she might embrace him, and then stood awkwardly with her arms hanging at her sides. Suddenly she seemed uncertain of herself.

Pace extended a hand. "Malena Fowler, isn't it? Welcome to Colima."

"Yes, yes, thank you." Hastily Malena shook the offered hand. Two other people stepped from behind Pace-Lester and Kaufman. Malena craned her head around the group, looking into the room. Cass could see through the open door: it was empty, except for Ruthie sitting on a chair at the dinette table, with a bowl in front of her. When Ruthie saw her she slipped off the chair and ran to her, darting around Pace and the guards. Cass picked her up and Ruthie held on tight.

"You've already taken him?" Malena demanded, her voice going high and shrill. "You've already taken my Devin? Can I go see him?"

Pace exchanged a pointed look with Kaufman. "You told them about the modification?"

"No-" he replied hastily "-I didn't say a word to them, I swear."

"Lester? What about you?"

"No, we were together the whole time. He didn't say anything."

"What are you talking about?" Malena demanded. "What modification? What are you doing with my Devin?"

"Relax," Pace commanded, his face pinched with irritation. "The procedure is standard for the entire general population. Please don't worry. Your son is in good hands. I understand that he is ill, and he will be given his medication while he is recovering. He'll receive a standard dose for the next three days. And I'm sorry that we cannot provide medication after that, but your work evaluation will take into account his condition. We'll try to find a position that allows you to spend as much time with him as possible until his determination."

"But this is all wrong!" Malena cried. In Cass's arms, Ruthie whimpered softly and pressed her face against her neck, and Cass rubbed her back, trying to soothe her. "My boy is an outlier. Devin is an outlier! He's supposed to get his medication! You have to take care of him!"

Kaufman stepped forward and took a gentle but firm hold of Malena's arm. She tried to shake him off, but he held fast; she was no match for his strength. Pace stepped out of the way, trying to conceal the look of distaste on his face.

"We'll do everything we can for him," he said stiffly. "But medication for chronic conditions is available only for outliers."

"But Devin is an outlier!"

"No. No, he's not. His test came back negative."

"You're lying! Why are you lying? You wouldn't be here if he wasn't an outlier, you can't-"

"I'm here for them." Pace nodded in the direction of Cass and Ruthie.

It took a moment for comprehension to dawn on Malena's outraged face, but it was quickly replaced by fury. She wrestled her arm free and threw herself at Cass. "You? You can't be an outlier. You tricked them. You made them believe your lies! What did you tell them, you whore? What did you do?"

Kaufman moved quickly, pinning Malena's arms behind her and dragging her backward.

"Where did you take him?" she screamed, spittle flying. "Where have you taken Devin?"

"The same place every man goes who fails the test," Pace said impatiently. "To be neutered. Now, if you'll come with me."

"Neutered? What-"

"He'll be given a vasectomy under sterile conditions. He'll be made as comfortable as possible."

"Trust me, it's hardly the worst thing anyone's been through around here," Kaufman said. Malena stopped resisting and slumped against him.

"Only thing you need is a bag of frozen peas," Lester said, not unkindly. "I mean, if we had ice."

"Or peas." Kaufman winked at Cass, but she could only stare back, stunned. Was he trying to joke with her? Cheer her up?

"They run old movies off the generator," Kaufman said, leading Malena toward the table, but she went limp, her knees buckling. Cass rushed to help and together she and Kaufman lowered Malena into one of the chairs. "Get a bunch of guys lined up on the couch-they're all in it together, it's not so bad. And you miss a couple days off work. You know, not the worst thing ever to happen, hear what I'm saying?"

"But my son is a boy! He's not even a man yet!" Malena looked wildly from one of them to another, pleading, tears welling in her eyes. She jerked away from Kaufman but he held her wrists tightly. "Don't let them do this. You have to tell them. They made a mistake. Devin is an outlier. Tell them to do the test again."

"Ma'am..." Kaufman started. His face was carefully flat, not without sympathy. He exchanged a look with Pace. Cass knew what they were thinking: the boy would be lucky to survive a week, much less all the way into manhood.

And what of Dor? She knew she shouldn't care-after all, who wanted to bring children into this world? And she supposed the procedure he'd receive was probably no more dangerous than the drive down here. It might take him out of commission for a couple of days-but she could use that time to learn, to explore, to see if she could find out where Sammi had been taken.

She found herself unexpectedly thinking of Dor's tawny skin, smooth and hot under her hands in the cramped den of the house two nights ago. With only the single candle for light, she hadn't been able to see anything but shapes, shadows-but his skin was surprisingly silky under her fingertips, his chest muscular and practically hairless. Somehow she'd expected the tattoos on his arms and neck to have a texture, a surface that would abrade or pulse. But no...

Of course last night she'd seen nothing in the dark. With her hands pinned above her head she'd felt-well, of course she'd felt him in other ways. When he brushed against her, gritting his teeth and making a strangled sound in his throat. When he'd entered her in one pitiless thrust- Cass felt her face flame and tried to look away, but Malena was staring at her beseechingly. "Make them understand!" she implored.

"Malena..."

"Make them stop!" Her voice escalated to a scream as she tore one arm free and reached for Cass, her hand thin and grasping, her nails bitten and ragged. Cass lurched away from her, bumping into Ruthie, who had silently followed her back into the room. Cass saw that Ruthie's face was pale and anxious, her eyes wide with fear.

"Don't worry," she said hastily, picking Ruthie up and turning her, away from the sight of Malena, red-faced and desperate.

Her little girl whimpered against her neck. At the sound of her faint mewling Cass tried not to react, but she hadn't heard that sound since getting Ruthie back, save a few times while she slept. Slowly, cautiously, she pulled Ruthie away and examined her face. Tears streaked her cheeks and her hair was damp, a few strands stuck to her skin.

"Help him," Ruthie whispered.

Help him.

Help the boy who Cass thought Ruthie had never noticed, who had neither spoken nor moved since they arrived, the boy who was little more than a ghost lingering between life and death.

Cass swallowed the lump in her throat and pressed her cheek to Ruthie's. Of all the things she'd longed to hear her daughter say...her first conscious sentence was this, a plea for something Cass could not promise-for all she knew the boy was already gone.

What was she supposed to say?

She had vowed, the day she stole Ruthie back from her own stepfather that she would shield her daughter from all the ugliness in the world. No man would ever do to Ruthie what Byrn Orr had done to Cass-he had put his clammy hands on her and told her that she wanted it, that she was a dirty slut who needed a man to drive the sinfulness from her. That she was born unclean and his touch would redeem her. That had been the third-worst of his lies, after "I have to do this because I care about you" and "You made this happen."

Lying on her side, face turned to the wall, while Byrn pushed her nightgown up over her buttocks, Cass had promised herself once she got away, she would never let anything like this happen again. Instead she'd won her freedom only to squander it on one drunken, faceless encounter after another. But when Ruthie was born she realized that she could protect her daughter from the ugliness of the world, even after she'd failed to protect herself.

"Help him, Mama," Ruthie whispered a second time, and Cass felt rent in two. How to protect her now from the most basic ugly truth of the world? How did she tell her daughter that they could not save everyone? That they had to let some people die, Aftertime, because there just wasn't enough to go around? Not enough resources, enough time, enough energy-enough of anything?

"Oh, sugar," she heard herself say, and she held Ruthie close, rocking her against her body. "Sugar."

She could not make this impossible promise. She'd just make everything worse. She couldn't help Devin, and soon he would die, and she would be in the position of having to tell Ruthie that she hadn't been able to help him after all. Ruthie would know that Cass had lied. Cracks would form in Ruthie's trust. And trust was the only gift Cass had to give Ruthie besides her love. Didn't her daughter deserve to know there was one person on the earth who she could always count on? Even Devin had that-as unstable as Malena was, upbraiding Kaufman and Lester and even Pace, screaming about her son-she had never flagged in her dedication to him.

Cass had made one other promise, in a moment of weakness. Several months ago, when she'd first awoken after the Beater attack, she'd met a girl in the library that had been her shelter. Sammi-Dor's daughter. Sammi was lively and brave, and when she asked Cass for a promise, she could not say no. Sammi had asked Cass to find her father. And Cass, tired and lonely and unmoored, had said yes. It had simply been easier than saying no.

Cass never believed it would happen-but it had. The odds of finding one man in what was left of the little mountain towns dotting the Sierras...well, the odds were small. And yet she had ended up in the Box, with Dor, and she'd passed on Sammi's message of love and hope and longing for the father she never forgot.

Cass knew better than to ever imagine that she was blessed, that there was a lucky star over her or a divine shepherd looking out for her. Her own father was little more than a distant memory, a hazy dream that she'd relegated to the other memories of childhood, in a far corner of her mind. And yet, the thing she had promised had come to pass-she had found Dor. If it had happened once, wasn't it possible that it could happen again?

But try as she might, Cass could not embrace faith, not this time.

"It will be all right," she said to Malena, who'd sunk back into the chair. Cass chose her half-truths with care. "But we can't do anything now. I'm sure they'll let you see him soon-right?"

"Uh...yeah, soon," Kaufman said, hedging. "I mean, maybe not today, what with the...procedure and all. But tomorrow. For sure tomorrow."

"I have to wait here until tomorrow?" Malena wailed. "I don't get to see him?"

Pace picked up a sheet of paper. It was printed with a grid, handwritten words lined up in the squares. "Actually we got your work assignments. Devin...well, given his special status and all, they're going to do a special determination."

"What's that? What the hell is a determination?"

"All it means is special circumstances." Kaufman looked increasingly uncomfortable. "Look, I'm sure he'll get some sort of desk job. Or something."

"Yes, I can't make any promises but they're looking for a few people in the records department," Pace said, but he wouldn't meet Malena's eyes and Cass figured he was lying. "And you're not going to be too far off. You're in the receiving depot. Trust me, that's a good assignment. You should be happy."

"Shit, I started in demolition," Kaufman said. "Breathed mortar for two weeks. I would have loved to get receiving."

Chapter end