Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? Past Reflections

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

A pre-translation note: A word comes up here that is basically impossible to translate since it's something from Japanese folklore. The word is “kodoku” (蟲毒), which was a method apparently used in 8th century Japan (and later) to curse people. The general idea is to put many poisonous insects (or creatures in general) into a pot, have them kill each other and become stronger, with the final one being the strongest and the one used for the curse. In a more general sense (and how it is often used in popular fiction), imagine confining many things and forcing them to fight each other to the death in the hope of creating a particularly powerful winner.

Past Reflections: Gyurie

Do I have regrets? I have an endless amount. If only I had done this here, or that there. Once I start thinking about them it goes on forever. Particularly in my case, as I had more choices. No, maybe it would be better to say that I didn't have any choices. If I could have made a choice, surely the future would have been different. When I think about that, my thoughts always get lost in a quagmire.

However, in the end, even if I ponder such things, I can't change the past. That being the case, there's nothing I can do but to accept the choices I made. It's not to Dustin's extent, but I must take responsibility for my past actions. But well, precisely because of that, I've still not made any choices though.

Whether it's Dustin or myself, our past choices have bound us and even now they are narrowing our freedom to choose. Dustin is single-mindedly continuing to walk down the path he chose in the past. No matter how thorny that path might be, no matter how much it exhausts his heart, he won't stop walking. Also, considering that he has not gone off track from that path even once, he is dreadful. In terms of force of will, that man exceeds me by far. He might not be a god, but on that point he's a monster that could even beat a god.

My choices? I have not made choices. I couldn't make any choices. Year in year out I take half-baked measures, and no matter what I do it doesn't change anything. Not being able to do anything I sit idly by, and even now I'm still not doing anything after all. The only thing I can actually say that I accomplished, was to go beg D for mercy. It's so pathetic that I can't stand it. Even then, I'm in the predicament of not being able to judge whether begging D for mercy was correct. I can't help think that there must have been another way.

Even I realise that D didn't help us out of good intentions. Or rather, I didn't realise that at the time. After a long time I began to think that she was suspicious, and I became convinced at the point when I was no longer able to contact her. I realised rather too late, didn't I.

I don't know what D's objective might be either. According to her it was because it seems interesting, and I am sure she truly feels that way, but I think that she might have other objectives apart from that. One of them, is probably some sort of experiment. I have heard about a thing called “kodoku” on Earth. This is the same. The System is an enormous “kodoku”. It is a device to make all living beings kill each other, in order to create even stronger beings. The final target would be, to create a god. Since the skills of the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Virtues have “reaching the gods” in the explanatory note, that point is obvious. The System is probably an experimental device designed to artificially create a god.

As for what's the meaning of doing so, I have no idea either. Maybe it's simply that interesting for her. Apart from that, I've spotted all sorts of specifications in the System that could be thought of as D's playfulness. I am not able to come up with a rational explanation for all of them. I'm sure I wouldn't understand them unless I asked D. But then again, even if I asked about them maybe I still wouldn't understand. That's just how she is. Gaining understanding would actually be my loss.

Yes, she was hard to understand. I had absolutely no idea what would stir D's heartstrings. Even now I don't know. If I take arbitrary actions, I might get on D's bad side. Due to thinking so, I couldn't do anything except to quietly do as I was told. Even here I have abandoned the right to choose. Or perhaps, considering D's personality, if I could have just gotten her to think that it was interesting, maybe I would have been able to have a greater freedom of action to a certain extent. However, this is me we're talking about, okay? Do you seriously think that someone like me can make someone like D think that something is interesting? Although I'm saying so myself, I don't think that I can. When I consider that I might ruin everything, I lose the courage to take a single step forwards. Because of that, even while D toyed with this planet, I couldn't do anything and simply did nothing.

That being said, even though she toyed with this planet, it is still the truth that it was saved by her. Considering the current situation, while I might have worried about whether what I was doing was correct or not back then, it's certainly the case that I had no other way and that this was the best option. Indeed, even if I could return back to that moment, I would likely still rely upon D. Hmm, when I think that, at the end of the day maybe this is the only future I could have selected. No matter how much I worry about this and that, it's all too easy to picture myself losing the timing to make a choice due to my worrying. So I accept being called a “loser”.

Sigh. Ahh, that's right. I'm always just going round in circles. I guess I have what's called a washed-up nature. I'm no different to the masses. I'm simply an existence that obeys the main course of events in the world, just going with the flow. If there exists those who are called heroes or protagonists, who go against that flow, who enforce their own will, who change the way the world is, then when all's said and done I would be called a minor character who adds some flavour to the story. However, although I can't change the course of events, I still have power. Therefore, I'm not even able to be a proper minor character, and instead I'm a half-baked existence loitering on the edge of the stage. Any way you cut it I'm half-baked aren't I.

However, half-baked I might be, minor character I might be, I am here as myself. I might not have made choices before, but that doesn't mean I'll never make choices. I might be only going with the flow, but I'm still flowing downstream. I might be D's errand runner, but unlike the System I wasn't created by her. I am here with my own will. I want you to remember that.

……Well, considering that we're drinking here, maybe you won't remember anything no matter what I say though. I still have plenty to drink. Hang out with me a bit longer, I still have some complaints.

Chapter end