Kokoro Connect
/ Kokoro Connect Vol 5 Chapter 7
As he was walking through the corridors, he bumped into Kiriyama Yui by chance.
Yui didn’t look over — didn’t look at Uwa Chihiro, and left briskly.
Yui didn’t stop by the Cultural Research Club today either, and probably headed straight for the dojo after school.
The Yui now possessed no memories of the Cultural Research Club. Or more precisely, she possessed no memories of the Cultural Research Club, or Uwa Chihiro himself.
Since she was acquainted with them outside of of the club, Yui still recognized the other second years of the Cultural Research Club from the same grade level, but Chihiro’s entire existence had been wiped clean from her mind. Probably because he himself was the main culprit of the incident.
In the few days after Yui and Yaegashi Taichi lost their memories due to the irresolvable paradox brought about by “Fantasy Projection”, Chihiro had profoundly realized his own utter powerlessness.
Chihiro had started with nothing. Yet one day, after meeting
If only it were just that. Even after receiving the power, he became obsessed with the notion of procuring more and more. Desire entangled his own feeble willpower, and Chihiro sank deeper and deeper, unable to be freed.
Then he committed sins.
Kiriyama Yui, who had always been here, was gone from his world.
Yaegashi Taichi, who had always been here, was also gone from this world.
Chihiro destroyed everything those two had received from the Cultural Research Club.
The two who had once been here were now gone. How was this different from murdering them?
Him, great? What a joke. He didn’t have the right to discuss such things.
The world was divided into manipulators, and non-manipulators; Chihiro was sure that this was true.
Chihiro was certain that, at least he should not become a non-manipulator.
But in retrospect, he had already been used by
Everyone should stay away from people like me, he thought.
He had also driven Enjouji Shino away, who kept trying to inquire about the details.
It was then that Chihiro discovered that
“Oh, Chihiro.”
Hearing someone greet him, Chihiro looked up.
It was Aoki Yoshifumi. Chihiro found it inconceivable that he kept running into Cultural Research Club members today.
“… You look awful, is everything okay? Dunno whether to call your face pale or muddy…”
Chihiro was utterly losing to someone who took him for a fool.
“Hey, I know you’re also worried about Yui and Taichi… Sorry, but in short, you’ll have to endure it for a bit; we’ll definitely think of something!”
His enemy was sympathizing with him, too.
“Hey, I wanted to ask you again: have you noticed anything strange going on around you lately? Like, someone you know doing weird things, or saying weird stuff…”
Whether he was black or white had always been predetermined for him.
He was pitch black.
“—and stuff like that… Are you listening? Chihiro?”
“You sure talk a lot, senpai. You can leave me alone, I’m fine.”
“Eh?”
Leaving Aoki with a stupid look on his face, Chihiro returned to the classroom.
He didn’t even see the value in living in this world.
“Hey, Uwa.”
Shimono, who sat in front of him, turned around and tried to strike up a conversation, but Chihiro said nothing and averted his eyes.
“What’s up? Look at those dark circles around your eyes, you stayed up playing games all night, didn’t you? Have you started playing online games? Those are bad news once you get addicted. Even I’ve blocked them because they’re too dangerous.”
Shimono was speaking in unintelligible gibberish. Chihiro decided to ignore him.
“No, huh? Oh, I see. Girl problems. You and Enjouji haven’t been getting along well recently, are you? Or did you find out that she already secretly has a boyfriend, and you’re like, they’ve probably already done it a lot, fuck! I get you, that super empty feeling.”
“What kind of virgin talk are you guys having?”
Tada chimed in. As the third person to lose at jankenpon and had to volunteer as Cheering Competition Representative, there was an inexplicable association that always seemed to attract him closer to them.
“Shut up, don’t get so cocky just because you’ve done it!”
“Whoa, Shimono, there’s no way I’d be cocky, you know? Is this virgin paranoia? I’m so scared~!”
“D-Damn youuuu!”
What a peaceful, moronic conversation. Chihiro had always thought them boring, even holding them in contempt, but now, they seemed completely out of reach. So far away, too far away. This was terrible.
Why did he meet that thing?
Why was he bewitched by it?
Why did he accept the power?
Why did he accept the conditions?
Why was he chosen to suffer this unfortunate fate?
“Hey, Uwa, I need your input! Even if he has a girlfriend he needs to be kinder to the single ones, or introduce us to some girls while he’s at it! Come to think of it, have you already reached home base without us realizing?! Uwa-san!”
“Shimono aside, Uwa is pretty much the perfect guy. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to introduce someone to… Uwa?”
Unable to bear it any longer, Chihiro stood up. He could never partake in these normal conversations again.
If he could still laugh in this situation, that would sure be a joke. This was too stupid. Damn.
He left the classroom.
What were Shimono and Tada’s expressions like? How much longer was lunch break? Was it reasonable to leave now? Should he tell them that he was leaving?
He didn’t even know anymore.
Since he didn’t have club activities, Chihiro went straight home after school. He hadn’t been going to the dojo lately either.
Pushing open the door to his room, Chihiro tossed his bag onto the bed. Empty, it landed on the soft bed with a faint puff.
There was absolutely nothing to do today either, only idly wasting away his life.
Chihiro suddenly remembered something and pulled a photo album from his bookshelf. There were several pictures inside from the Cultural Research Club, which he had gotten someone to develop for him. He pulled all of them out and threw them into the trash can. Then he laid back down on the bed.
“Chihiro, I’m coming in.”
His mother’s voice came from outside. Annoyed, Chihiro ignored her, but the door opened of its own accord.
“You’re laying down without changing out of your uniform…”
His mother said, concerned. Come to think of it, his parents rarely came inside his room at all.
“Chihiro, you’ve been coming home very early these days, don’t you need to go to your club activities? The dojo, too.”
“… It’s fine.”
“Really? You’ve been looking down lately, does it have to do with whatever this is? I think you can manage on your own, so I’ve been letting you deal with it yourself, but if there’s something wrong…”
“I don’t, so don’t worry about me.”
So annoying. So troublesome. Normally you don’t give a shit, but now you come running and pretending to be a mother. If you don’t plan to do anything, then shut the hell up.
“Well, you say that, but you’ve not been eating properly either…”
So annoying. Get out of my face.
“If you have anything —”
“Leave me alone, just leave!”
“… If you have anything, just say it, okay? Got it? Don’t keep it bottled up.”
His mother admonished him, as if coaxing a child, and left the room.
She doesn’t know anything at all, yet she pretends that she does.
He was furious.
The next day, everything was exactly the same, and Chihiro stepped out the front door. He seemed to be a bit later than usual, but he seemed to have left around this time yesterday as well. Has this time become “usual”, then? Whatever.
Time slowly passed.
Maybe he wasn’t alive now, but already dead.
By the time he recovered, he was already walked out of school with his bag. School was somehow already over again.
Chihiro was probably the first from the entire school to leave; there was not a single Yamaboshi High School student on the school road.
He was alone.
The summer weather ought to be blistering hot, but Chihiro hugged himself from a chill in his body.
Ever since that day, he had been like a criminal on death row, doing nothing every day.
The surrounding world left him alone, and he lived in a mediocre fashion.
After you’ve joined my side, I hope you don’t think that you can return to the original world if you only show me boring things…
Clearly, he was already no longer able to back out completely. No need to doubt that.
What exactly would happen? What would
Would his own memories be wiped as well? Would he be forced to do something Would be he used like equipment? Or would his existence be extinguished entirely?
He was done for.
After making that fatal mistake, his life was done for. He couldn’t restart his life; he could only press the “reset” button.
I hope that I’ll be naturally lucky in my next life, and that I won’t encounter the disaster that is
Let me reset myself; delete my current body.
Erase Uwa Chihiro from this world, forever — No, no, I don’t want to disappear!
“Chihiro-kun.”
He heard a clear voice.
It was a goddess-like voice.
A voice he had longed for, entered Chihiro’s ear.
Was it miracle?
It was a miracle.
This was a miracle.
Suppressing the urge to scream, Chihiro turned his head around.
A petite girl, her chestnut hair gleaming, her radiant smile exuding a brilliant warmth.
Kiriyama Yui stood there.
“… Yui-senpai?”
“Are you leaving now?”
Yui asked with an expression as warm as springtime wind.
Yui stared into his eyes, confirming his — Uwa Chihiro’s existence.
As though time had turned back to before he had stupidly failed.
“N-… Um, Yui-senpai…? Have you regained your memories?”
“Y-Yeah… after a lot of twists and turns. You have got to properly explain to me what is going on. I have the right to know, don’t I?”
Chihiro ought to be very scared and reject the idea of explaining, but now it didn’t matter. He could escape from hell, not need to fear his own crimes again, and didn’t need to disappear — what more could he hope for? Chihiro desired nothing else.
“I got it…”
Chihiro replied, and Yui invited him to discuss the matter in the clubroom.
“We know that this is all the handiwork of
They were in Room 401 of the club building, the clubroom of the Cultural Research Club. Although he had not been here in some time, the clubroom was still wide open for Chihiro.
“I didn’t think that the problem would be so easily solved, as if what had happened was merely a dream.” Chihiro mumbled, and Yui replied, “Yup, it really does seem like a dream. Chihiro-kun hasn’t done anything wrong, so that’s why you should tell me absolutely everything, from the beginning.”
Seemed like a dream — Hearing her say this, Chihiro suddenly realized something. That guy’s existence and the phenomena he incites were impossible after all, it was all just a dream… Thinking this, Chihiro’s shoulders relaxed.
Words and sentences tumbled from his mouth.
“The day I decided to join the Cultural Research Club, I met
“Some days later, he showed an unbelievable power to me, and asked me if I was interested.”
“He said, that he’d give me the ability to make the second years of the Cultural Research Club see illusions, and in return, I had to make those five people more interesting. If I did it well, he’d give me even more power. I was completely hooked.”
“I thought that my life, which isn’t that bad to begin with, could be dramatically changed with this mysterious power. I wanted to make this horribly dull world more interesting. I wanted power.”
“It went very well at first. But, things got more and more difficult later on.”
“Since it wasn’t going well,
“So I panicked, my mind weakened, and as a result, I caused an irresolvable paradox by mistake… then Yui-senpai and Taichi-senpai lost their memories… I’m really very sorry.”
“I was truly helpless… I lost myself, and couldn’t control my power…”
Inexplicably, he couldn’t stop this momentum, and Chihiro even exposed his own heartfelt emotions.
Yui nodded, listening to him quietly.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Yui inquired when Chihiro’s monologue was about to end.
“It’s a bit late for this, Chihiro-kun, but why did you decide to join the Cultural Research Club?”
Chihiro was a bit surprised; why was she asking this now? But it couldn’t hurt to respond… Hm, why, indeed? He had never seriously considered the reason behind his decision. Perhaps he could say that he was pressured by the circumstances… But before he could organize his thoughts, Chihiro’s mouth moved on its own.
It was as if his true feelings were exposed.
“Because I felt that, there was something I’ve always wanted here, yet could never quite get ahold of…”
Really?
Those words were his “honest feelings”?
Chihiro was a little embarrassed. Damn it, he’s going to let everything slip out.
“Is it because — there’s someone you like?
Yui tossed this question forward, her expression unchanged.
His heart began to pound relentlessly. What? What does that mean?
Just as Chihiro froze, Yui shook her head: “Ah, forget I asked.” Who asked? Chihiro complained in his heart with regret, but he said nothing.
“I sort of understand now. Thank you for telling me about this.”
“Ah, it’s nothing…”
Had he said too much? Chihiro began to feel uneasy. His confession had included quite a bit of extreme detail, but Yui hadn’t gotten angry at all, so Chihiro had accidentally told her everything.
But Yui hadn’t looked even a little unhappy. It should be fine, right?
“Can you wait a moment for me, then?”
Yui said, as she stood up. Was she going to the restroom?
Watching Yui’s departing figure, Chihiro’s mind suddenly realized something strange.
According to Yui, Taichi should have recovered his memory as well.
Taichi and the others would likely be very keen to find out the details of this incident, so why was Yui asking him alone? It felt a bit off.
Yui pushed the door open, walked outside, and closed the clubroom door.
After a moment, the door suddenly opened again.
Enjouji Shino stood there.
Her expression was a mix of apology and pity.
“I’m sorry, Chihiro-kun.”
Enjouji Shino said in a small voice.
Chihiro didn’t know what she meant. What’s with the sudden appearance and apology?
Wait, where did Yui go?
She’d left for less than two seconds before the door immediately opened again. These two should have bumped into each other…
— I’m sorry, Chihiro-kun.
It can’t be… Chihiro shook his head.
But Enjouji was apologizing, the door had only closed for a moment before opening. No matter how he thought about it, it had been the same person who had closed and opened the door, but Enjouji was standing outside now.
And like Chihiro, Enjouji had also encountered
All of this pointed towards a single answer; every theory came out to one conclusion.
In other words…
This meant…
“You probably already understand… That Yui-senpai just now, was me. I used the power that
He was played.
He, was played, by Enjouji.
And he had revealed everything.
“Heh, heh heh heh… AHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA!!”
For some reason, Chihiro wanted to laugh, and began to laugh loudly. Something in his heart dropped, slowly falling.
His malice, his crimes, his pettiness, his spite; all had been revealed to the world.
In this world, of course Kiriyama Yui and Yaegashi Taichi’s memories hadn’t been restored.
The other person had used the criminal’s own power to trick him and get him to confess.
He’d joined the Cultural Research Club because of something he wanted here? What kind of idiotic bilge was that. He was an enemy who had attacked the Cultural Research Club, and since he was an enemy, how could he be forgiven?
It was time to quit dreaming and realize the truth. Having hope at a time like this was purely wishful thinking. He had nowhere to run.
He really could only disappear.
The instant this notion flashed by in his mind, Chihiro shoved Enjouji aside from the door and ran off.
Without any goal whatsoever, Chihiro sprinted down the street.
He gradually grew breathless, and could only slow down to a walk. Sweat flowed down his head like a waterfall, and his shirt stuck unpleasantly to his skin.
He walked onto a bustling street in front of the train station. Chihiro’s eyes were immediately drawn to the karaoke bar, the fast food restaurant, the pub, and others in a messy flood of signs.
In the evening after school, there were many students strolling around downtown, probably preparing to have some fun after school. Other than them, there were quite a lot of people of different kinds: A young man wearing a formal suit despite the stifling heat, a middle-aged housewife walking back from grocery shopping, a girl in trendy getup, and a foreign couple.
A place filled with people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people.
Fortunately, there weren’t any Yamaboshi High School students around, and Chihiro exhaled. He really did not want anyone he knew to see his haggard appearance now. There weren’t any students from his school around, but was this… was this real?
Enjouji could have used “Fantasy Projection” again. She could become anyone.
In other words, anyone around him could be Enjouji Shino.
She probably wouldn’t have chased him all the way here — but she could have.
The hundreds of people he saw all seemed normal, but one of them could be an imposter. Anyone here could be the fake. Real or fake, virtual or actual, there was no way he could tell.
This meant that everyone was an imposter.
Now, he was trapped within the cage of “Fantasy Projection”.
The instant he realized this, everyone around him seemed to be wearing masks.
A man smiled at Chihiro.
What do you want? Who are you?
Chihiro stood stock-still, and someone bumped into him from behind. A woman clicked her tongue, then walked around him.
The only ones capable of “Fantasy Projection” should be himself and Enjouji. But since even Enjouji could use it, it wouldn’t be strange for other people to get the power as well.
A female high school student in uniform was staring unceasingly at Chihiro, whispering to a girl beside her.
A group of young men walked towards him. They scattered in the street, as though to surround him.
How could this be? But, now —
He was being watched.
He was being attacked.
The entire world saw him as an enemy.
Chihiro found it only possible to think of this, so he ran away.
Running was the only thing he could do.
He couldn’t live in such a horrifying world.
Chihiro fled into the nature park.
He wanted a place with no people, but he went deep into the park by mistake. At a dilapidated bench, Chihiro immediately collapsed into it, uncaring for the state of his clothes.
He was tired. He didn’t want to move. He’d had enough.
But finally, a little peace and quiet.
He felt great by himself. Although he disliked being alone, he wanted solitude now.
There was no one around him, so he wasn’t afraid to use “Fantasy Projection”.
Chihiro now fervently believed that the five upperclassmen of the Cultural Research Club, who could live peacefully even under the attacks of the phenomena, were practically monsters.
It must have been quite some time since the last renovation; his surroundings were a mess of disrepair. The desolate atmosphere suited himself quite well, so Chihiro decided that this would be his final resting place.
This was where everything had started: the nature park where he had met
And now, what was
Since Chihiro was already here, then that guy would probably show up too.
… Ah, well, this wasn’t bad.
What kind of ending had
Would his life meet its end with
If it was happening anyway, he didn’t really mind.
Very exhausted. Felt like taking a nap. Hadn’t been sleeping properly as of late.
That day, Chihiro did not return home.
When he woke up next morning, Chihiro felt waves of painful cramps all over his body. The bench was too rigid after all.
The space surrounded by trees felt a little chilly in the morning. A stray dog passed by, eyed him, then quickly turned around and scurried elsewhere.
Chihiro swiveled his neck, relaxing his muscles as his head gradually cleared. It was lucky that he could even spend the night in this kind of place.
What time was it? About six in the morning? He could find out just by flipping open his phone, but he really didn’t want to turn it on just to see the messages that had accumulated last night. Chihiro had told his occasionally concerned mother that he was sleeping over at a friend’s place, so there shouldn’t be anything serious going on.
It was Saturday, so he didn’t need to worry about school.
Just as he was spacing out, the sun slowly rose.
Now what? What was the situation now?
There was no doubt that Enjouji had told Nagase, Inaba, and Aoki what he had done. Besides, there was no way that Enjouji came up with that stunt yesterday on her own. Inaba probably told her to do it. Did this mean that they now saw him as nothing more than an enemy?
Up until yesterday, Chihiro still had not been exposed, but now, he was a wanted criminal.
Maybe a real criminal would have it better. Even if he committed a crime, as long as he were sentenced under law and obediently accepted his punishment, then at least he could be reborn. But he, having committed a crime outside of law, might not even be allowed redemption.
What if he simply denied it?
I don’t know. I don’t understand. What’s
Then, there was only one option left.
Disappear.
After all, hadn’t he always thought this world to be horribly dull? Since he was so powerless, even if he knew his place and carried on, he’d only be suited for a muddling, perfunctory life.
No duties.
No accomplishments.
This world was horribly dull.
This world was done for.
Even if he lived on, there would be no light in this world.
So it didn’t matter.
He was already drifting along in this finished world like a sloth; why not end it sooner?
He’d been walking the path of the baddies, but in the end, he’d still go out with an explosion, like a massive firework.
“Heh heh… Heh… Heh heh heh heh…”
A great, big, ugly firework. Was that all that was left? His life would end, just like this.
End end end end end end end end end end end die…
“I’ve finally found you, Chihiro-kun.”
The voice coming from behind was unusually lively.
“I’ve f-finally found you! I don’t know how long I’ve been searching since yesterday… So you’re in the nature park after all… Good grief, do you know how many times I called and messaged you? At least reply!”
Enjouji barged into Chihiro’s sight. She looked as excited as though her mind was unusually clear from not sleeping all night. Chihiro thought it was kind of funny.
“Ah, you’re laughing at me! Why are you laughing? I couldn’t find Chihiro-kun anywhere, I even called your house!”
“… Why do you care?”
Chihiro couldn’t help but interrupt. He hadn’t spoken for a long while; his voice broke for a moment.
“W-Well, I couldn’t help it. Ah, your mom answered the phone, and she asked me, ‘Isn’t he staying over at his friend’s house? May I ask who you are?’ I could only tell her that I’m Chihiro-kun’s girlfriend, and that I was fighting with you because I was jealous… She seemed to buy it.”
“Make this all a little more troublesome, why don’t you?”
Where did she get this kind of drive and impulse from? It can’t be the normal Enjouji… An imposter!
“What do you think of Taichi-senpai’s voice?”
“Sexy and mature, but not without the sparkle of youth — my tentative review of Taichi-senpai’s dulcet tones! I’m accepting objections! Limited to compliments, however!”
Judging by her perverted voice-fetish, this was Enjouji all right. She was even more passionate than before.
But what was this? He’d fled here alone because he was afraid to be near anyone else, yet now he was talking normally to someone, and what’s more, it was Enjouji, who knew of his crimes.
When Enjouji had arrived, his thoughts of being done for, or wanting to disappear, had vaporized. He couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
“Whoo… Anyway, it’s good that you’re okay… I was like, you don’t know where you’re running… You’d die if you aren’t careful… That sentence doesn’t count! Forget it! That’s way too unlucky!”
“… Why in the world would you want to find someone like me? You can’t have searched for the entire night…”
“I went home when it got real late.”
In other words, she went searching for me into the late night?
“… What do you want from me, then?”
Even if he wanted to be alone, he needed to let Enjouji finish her business… Can’t be helped.
Enjouji looked down at Chihiro on the bench, and sucked in a deep breath.
“Chihiro-kun, come with me. Let’s go… apologize to our senpais.”
Ahh, so those guys sent her after all?
“Hell no.”
“Mhm, thanks. You may be a little hesitant, but since I called you desperately, ran all over the place, searched for you late into the night, and came to look for you first thing in the morning, you must be deeply moved… Eh? You don’t want to come with me?”
My god, shut up, just finish this subject.
“Everything’s already over and done with, what good will my apology do?”
“It’s, it’s not over! Wh-what’s over?”
“… It’s over, isn’t it? Yui-senpai and Taichi-senpai have lost their memories, and after you snitched on me, they all know that I was behind it…”
“No, I didn’t tell them… But you already told them, haven’t you?”
“H-Hell no!”
I can’t believe it, but she doesn’t look like she’s lying.
“Are you saying that after you deceived me by yourself, you’re coming to find me by yourself too?”
“Uh-huh, yeah.”
That petite, weak, stupid Enjouji, she, by herself —
“… I really did try very hard. I went to find
Chihiro was further stunned. Enjouji had not possessed her power from the beginning after all. She saw the tragedy Chihiro had created, and to crack the stalemate, ran directly to negotiate with
Chihiro asked Enjouji when she had discovered
“I… was lured by power…”
Although it was too late to say so, Chihiro felt nothing but regret for wallowing in desire at the time.
“I’m just… a coward, nothing more.”
Enjouji mumbled. For just an instant, she seemed to change back into her usual weak, useless self.
“But even if I am a coward, I also feel… that it’s wrong to do nothing. I clearly felt something happen back then, but I didn’t do anything. Taichi-senpai and Yui-senpai became like that because of me…”
“What do you mean, ‘because of you’?”
You feel guilty just at this level?
“I was a bystander, when I was really also part of the culprit.”
By that logic, what did that make him, the total, utter culprit?
Chihiro suddenly grew impatient. He wanted to hit someone. He didn’t want to talk cooperate with Enjouji anymore.
“… So, what then? What happens after we go and explain the long and short of it to them, then apologize?”
“Uhh… Um…”
“What can we do then? Can we solve anything? I don’t think so!”
Just by Chihiro probing her, Enjouji suddenly looked terrible; she was so easy to read.
“Y-You’re not w-wrong… But if we discuss this with the senpais, maybe we can find some clues.
“Are you saying that if everyone discusses this all friendly-like, we can work something out?”
How idealistic. This world wasn’t that reasonable, that simple. Chihiro was already familiar with this to the point of repugnance.
“But…”
Enjouji looked to be on the verge of tears, and hung her head.
This development again?
She seemed to be somewhat determined, but the embers of her passion were much too weak, and would disappear in a wisp of smoke with just one breath. This filled Chihiro with rage. If you can’t do it in the beginning, then don’t bite off more than you can chew, don’t have so much hope — these words could apply to his past self as well.
If a nobody tried to dabble in unrealistic dreams, they were only heading toward a tragic ending.
So he had to stop her, to prevent this from becoming a disaster…
Enjouji looked up, her expression firm, full of determination.
“We have to do something. We have to take action. We have to change.”
Chihiro didn’t get a chance to interrupt.
Ahh, I see.
“I will change myself, and I will fight hard to the end; I can absolutely solve this situation.”
Has Enjouji already changed? Already stepped into that world?
Thinking about waking her up before something bad happens, now that was stupid.
He wasn’t that altruistic. He just didn’t want to be abandoned.
Chihiro noticed his own attempts to justify himself, and his own weak state that was becoming rude and impulsive.
Sucked into the Cultural Research Club as he was, Enjouji had a basically similar personality to him; the two of them were birds of a feather.
But right now, Chihiro was forced to realize the definite difference between them.
Enjouji Shino had stepped on the righteous path.
Uwa Chihiro had been led astray.
If she could head towards there, he really wished that she could have told him earlier; if it was going to end like this, he wished so much that she could have warned him. That way, maybe, he too, just maybe, could also —
“So, Chihiro-kun.”
Enjouji, on the righteous path, called the name of Chihiro, led astray.
“Let’s fight together.”
She hoped.
“… Fight together?”
Why did she need him? She shouldn’t need him at all.
“I’ll try hard too, but I need Chihiro-kun’s strength. So let’s work hard together!”
She needed him.
“You talk about working hard, and you didn’t really do anything bad. That doesn’t matter, but I’m the main culprit! How do you expect me to have the nerve to ‘work hard’?!”
Ahh, what the hell am I saying? It’s like I really want to give it a go.
No, that’s it, isn’t it? That’s probably really it.
It seemed like something similar had happened before. His mouth had betrayed his true feelings before his brain could react.
Hearing Chihiro’s shouts, Enjouji hesitated for a moment, as though perplexed over whether she should have said all of that.
Then, Chihiro noticed something.
He was anticipating Enjouji’s reply. He saw hope.
There was a savior. Someone willing to save him. Someone who could save him.
Even if this world was utterly boring, even if this world was completely meaningless, even if this world was done for, no matter how fucked up this world was — he didn’t want it all to end now, he didn’t want to disappear like this! Even if he was splitting hairs over the matter, that’s how it was!
That’s why Chihiro believed Enjouji and entrusted his hope to her, waiting for her rescue, and her well-wishes.
“T-The enemy changing his ways and becoming your partner… p-pretty passionate, isn’t it?”
How he wished he could have said that with a straight face. Since he was embarrassed himself, he made that hackneyed phrase sound even colder, and the scene suddenly cooled. If he wasn’t used to this, then he shouldn’t have tried to show off.
Come to think of it, ever since the beginning, things had been going stupidly. What the hell were they doing?
“Um, uhh… I’ve done bad things too. It’d be too arrogant of me to talk about working hard… What’s done is done and you can’t change the past, but if I still do nothing because of that, I’ll just become even worse. If I know that it’s not okay, then I need to change, starting now.”
Change, starting now… But with things the way they were now, how would he change his path?
“If only we can get back their memories, we won’t become even worse… Probably.”
Was there still the possibility that he wasn’t going to become even worse?
How much more did he want Enjouji to say? What did he want her to say?
He’d already decided what he wanted to do.
Chihiro wanted to fight.
He wanted to join the losers’ counterattack.
Even if his crimes wouldn’t disappear, Chihiro still wanted to redeem himself.
And, if possible, he wanted to return to the beginning.
He couldn’t lie to himself about not wanting to return.
“I went through a lot to meet
She emphasized a strange point.
“So what? I don’t know how many times I’ve met him.”
“D-Don’t say that! You make my effort look really easy!”
Enjouji was genuinely upset. She really was amusing.
Chihiro pushed against the bench and stood up.
Watching him stand, Enjouji’s expression brightened up. He hadn’t said anything yet!
“Well, it seems like… I better apologize and explain.”
“H-Hooray! Thank you!”
Enjouji threw her arms up in delight. Her movements were very stiff; she was clearly not used to expressing happiness. Had she ever been this joyful in her entire life?
“I… can change Chihiro-kun, I… can change…”
Chihiro had no way of knowing Enjouji’s personal situation, but had he really changed? He didn’t know.
“… Do you want to change, Enjouji?”
“Yep, one day… I want to become like our senpais.”
Enjouji discussed her dream with a radiant smile. With the way she was now, Chihiro could no longer deny its plausibility, because she had slowly but surely, taken action.
Compared to her, he… Well, he needed to make amends first. For now, he’d forget about whether he would be forgiven, because if he didn’t resolve the problem right in front of him there was no way he could continue.
No matter the punishment, Chihiro was willing to take it. Even if it involved him getting beat up.
Once he became determined to accept punishment, a huge burden lifted from his shoulders, and he felt much better. Maybe what he was missing all along was the courage to face admit his wrongdoing. He had kept trying to dodge punishment, but was forced into a dead end instead.
Take it like a man, that was what he needed — the correct answer.
Even Enjouji had changed so much; maybe he could change as well.
Even for such a bastard who had been led astray because of
Then, Chihiro wanted to become someone he himself revered.
Although it was Saturday, the two of them still decided to ask Nagase, Inaba, and Aoki to come out. Since it was a bit much to have them come in uniform, they decided to meet in a park near school.
Chihiro and Enjouji stood at the meeting point, and twenty minutes passed in dead silence. At some point, neither of them dared to move; both stood utterly stock-still, their legs growing stiff.
“Ahem!“
Enjouji cleared her throat twice. Chihiro turned, only to see her face pale.
“Hey, are you all right?”
“I’m O-OK! Everything’s, fine… Uhguu…”
She slapped a hand over her mouth as though she were about to throw up.
“Uh, you don’t look fine. Why don’t you should go and rest somewhere?”
“That’s not much, coming from someone whose face is so white he looks near death.”
“That’s another matter…”
She was really pushing it. But was his face really that white?
“W-Will they go off on us? Um… I think they will.”
Enjouji’s words solidified the source of their unease, and made Chihiro realize this problem.
“Going off” was too soft of a description, she should have used something more intense.
“Wasn’t this your idea? And you had to call them out right now.”
How was he cheering her up now? Role reversal.
“But… Ah!”
The casually clothed trio walked before the duo.
Inaba, Nagase, and Aoki walked shoulder to shoulder. They couldn’t have bumped into each other by chance here; they probably met up somewhere else beforehand. What were they discussing amongst themselves?
Their expressions were not kind, but not overly stern.
What did he look like to those three now? Chihiro tried to imagine, but felt scared, so he quickly flung the image away from his mind.
Chihiro wanted to run far, far away, right now.
In this type of situation, those people would only express hatred and loathing. It was frightening; Chihiro wanted very much to run.
He wanted very much to run, did he?
Chihiro looked to his side, and saw Enjouji trembling, clenching her fists. Her lips were pressed tightly together, eyes brimming with tears, but she didn’t run, looking bravely ahead.
Enjouji was trying really hard.
So how could he leave her and flee?
Before she ran away, he would never. He couldn’t lose to her, absolutely not. So before that, endure, endure, endure it.
Enjouji occasionally cut in, but the explanation was mostly Chihiro’s doing,
“— So that’s how it is.”
As he explained, Chihiro felt himself becoming paler and paler.
Enjouji’s tensionless tone numbed him, and he somehow misread the severity of the situation. It was easy to say it, but they must actually do so — although they thought so at the beginning, in retrospect, it was absurd; this was no longer a matter of whether they were forgiven or not.
The trio’s expressions didn’t change: they occasionally closed their eyes and lowered their heads in contemplation, listening to Chihiro talk.
Their unchanging faces added to his unease. Enjouji looked to be feeling the same, her body shaking without end.
“I… I’m really very sorry!”
Chihiro’s knees sank to the ground of their own accord, and he prostrated himself in apology. Humans would naturally kneel down in situations like these, Chihiro thought in an inexplicably impartial manner.
Taking the punishment, edging closer to the righteous path, to go back to normal?
Boundaries existed for how carefree he could be. The more heinous the crime, the less likely he was to receive a second chance.
“I-I’m sorry… Um, I couldn’t… do anything either!”
Enjouji dropped down too, her voice becoming sobs.
No one spoke. The air was filled only with Enjouji’s nonstop sniffling.
It was the longest seconds in a lifetime.
“Hey, you two.”
Inaba spoke first.
He had destroyed her love with her boyfriend, and everything between them, creating an irreversible situation. So no matter what she did to him, it wouldn’t be out of the question.
“The hell are you pulling?! Stop kidding around, you idiots!”
Her voice was loud enough to rupture his eardrums. Every fiber of her being flew into a rage, but yeah, he couldn’t blame her.
He’d already prepared himself, but when he was really faced with her outrage, he recoiled, unable to move. Nagase and Aoki’s eyes overlooking him felt like he were sitting on a bed of pins and needles.
If only he had never started this whole twisted thing, if only he had never known Yui.
If only he had never been here —
Guilt gushed forth, assaulting Chihiro.
He felt as if guilt would completely consume him… He wanted nothing more than swift, severe judgment.
“Stand up, Shino.”
Inaba took Enjouji’s hand and helped her up.
“Look up, Chihiro.”
Chihiro gingerly lifted his head. Inaba’s face was right in front of his eyes. Chihiro shut them in fright.
“You bastaaaarrrd~~~~~! Take this!”
Thwack!
Something tiny and rigid struck his head.
“Ow!”
Chihiro opened his eyes and rubbed his forehead.
He’d been… flicked on the forehead?
“Get up and dust yourself off, Chihiro! You too, Shino!”
“… Eh? What… Eh?”
Inaba ignored the dumbfounded Chihiro and helped pat the sand from his clothing.
“Oh! That’s good, I thought for a second that Inaban was really gonna lose it! You okay, Shino-chan?”
Nagase sidled up to Enjouji and patted down her clothes.
Enjouji also looked confused:
“Eh? U-Um, seriously?”
Their upperclassmen’s reactions were completely unexpected. No matter how much they punished him, it wouldn’t have been out of the question. But he was only scolded and flicked on the forehead. That was it?
“Shino, you didn’t do anything wrong. Chihiro, I can’t help but reprimand you a little, but you’re not in trouble either.”
Inaba declared thusly.
Chihiro hadn’t revealed everything, but he had exposed the worst of his inner thoughts, and told them that none of it was out of his own control, but rather, Chihiro had lost to his selfish, feeble heart. That was obvious, so why was he guiltless?
Then Nagase spoke up:
“We are the ones… who must apologize. We clearly knew of
“Ah! In any case, it’s killing me to stand around like this, so let’s go find somewhere to sit down.”
Aoki quipped. He led the way as all five of them shifted positions slightly and each took a seat in a playset or beside a flower bed.
Then, Inaba and the others explained the relationship between
“In any case, we clearly knew that we would be involving you, but we still invited you to join the club. Although you weren’t involved in the worst possible scenario we could imagine, you were still dragged into this weird situation. We apologize.”
As Inaba bowed her head in apology, Nagase and Aoki also said “Sorry”, “I’m sorry”, and apologized.
“No… You don’t need to apologize, senpais…”
Enjouji looked terrified, and Chihiro helped to smooth things over:
“That is… No matter how you look at it, the guilty ones are myself and
“That’s right, Chihhi,
The instigator of everything was that guy moving in the shadows, so it was pointless for them to argue like this — this was the position of Inaba and the others.
“It’s just that, some things did indeed anger me.”
Inaba’s tone of voice changed.
Ahh, so he was going to be punished after all…
“I say, you guys… if it stressed you out that much, why didn’t you tell us? That’s got to be the most basic thing you can do!”
“She means that we really want you to depend on us, your senpais, more!”
“Inaba, Iori, you’re not wrong, but —”
The three second years chatted around like always.
What was going on?
This was too much; he was much lesser than they. They were actually able to take those kinds of actions, and forgive them as though he hadn’t done anything at all?
Even if the most basic culprit was
“B-But… Taichi-senpai and Yui-senpai…”
Hearing Enjouji say this, Nagase and Aoki’s expressions suddenly froze.
But after a moment, their frozen faces thawed.
Inaba spoke first:
“No worries. No matter when, us five got through those phenomena together. Although those two weren’t able to fight with us this time, similar situations have happened before. This time it’s no different…”
Then Aoki continued her sentence:
“That is, it’s not just us this time, but Shino and Chihiro as well! In other words, that’s us five! As long as it’s us five, we’re unstoppable!”
And Nagase finished:
“Well said, Aoki! Let’s work together, everyone, and become victorious once more!”
She grinned widely.
What was going on? What the hell was going on? What the hell was this?
Chihiro had already prepared himself for justice, but he’d just rushed at thin air. If it ended just like this, it was only forcing him to realize the crushing differences between them.
Chihiro thought he had understood, but with reality right in front of him, his heart remained perpetually frustrated.
A problem that stressed the hell out of them wasn’t even worth mentioning to these guys.
He wanted to become like them? Impossible.
Before these gods, no matter how much he, an imposter, tried to show off, it was all a joke. He was only being forced to realize that no matter how hard he tried, an imposter was still an imposter.
Chihiro noticed that he was always evasive, but when he had plucked up the courage to admit his wrongdoings and steeled himself to take it like a man, he discovered that he was facing an utterly towering precipice.
Chihiro knew that his upperclassmen had already reached a certain realm. He was clearly envious of them, but had never observed them closely, merely hazily imagining and thinking that he understood.
Right now, it was Chihiro’s first time facing this precipice.
He had absolutely no way of climbing it.
Just by looking at those three, Chihiro felt as though the world were discarding him, as though they were saying to him: You can stay over there for your entire life.
“… By the way, we’ve decided amongst ourselves that you guys’ll help. Is that okay?”
Nagase asked, restoring her serious expression.
Help?
Where did they need his help? What use would he fulfill? Chihiro thought, but said nothing.
The silence continued for a while. See, Enjouji is the same way —
“O-Of course! I-I’ll do all I can to help everyone!”
“Great, thank you, Shino-chan!”
Nagase grinned, as Inaba and Aoki smiled too. Enjouji beamed, and the atmosphere became peacefully warm.
Really? Enjouji is already on that side? She was once in Chihiro’s shoes, but Enjouji probably possessed that kind of aptitude from the very beginning. After all, she had an honest personality, and her soul seemed quite pure.
If these prerequisites didn’t exist, maybe it would be impossible to explain why only Enjouji had suddenly changed?
“Chi, Chihiro-kun… can we?”
Enjouji asked, glancing at him fearfully.
Chihiro was already no longer able to see her as a partner.
He was alone here.
“… It makes sense, I’ll… help too.”
Chihiro agreed; the current atmosphere didn’t permit a “no” anyway.
“Well then, we should think in detail about how to deal with this, but there isn’t anything we can write with. Let’s head home first, change into uniform and meet in the clubroom.”
Inaba suggested, and Aoki and Nagase immediately responded:
“Got it, Inaba!”
“All right, there’s no stopping now! Full steam ahead for today and Sunday tomorrow! When school starts on Monday, we’ll charge even faster!”
“I, I… do my best, too!”
Enjouji was also filled with enthusiasm.
Just as everyone was about to step away, Nagase added:
“Oh, right, we really need everyone’s strength to solve this problem now, and that’s why we asked for your help. But after all of this blows over, you can leave the Cultural Research Club if you want.”
They’ve already thought about what happens afterwards, and remembered to think of them, too; this completely surpassed Chihiro’s line of reasoning.
The five of them started home all at once.
Chihiro walked with the others for a bit, but since his route was different from everyone else, he said goodbye to them on the way.
Inaba, Nagase, Aoki, and Enjouji gradually drifted far away from him.
Now alone, Chihiro dropped shakily to his knees.
He no longer had the strength to stand and fight.
“I don’t think… I can carry on…”
Chihiro thought, at least if he could receive his punishment, it would be okay. That way, maybe he could have closure in his heart, bid his current self farewell, and be born again.
Even though Chihiro had taken it like a man, he’d only experienced despair, let alone find escape.
The world will not change.
He couldn’t do it today. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything.
No, Chihiro understood that he had things that he absolutely must do, had important matters that must be attended to, but he couldn’t do it now, yet he had to do it. So, yes — he’d begin working tomorrow.
Even when the meeting time came, Chihiro did not leave for the clubroom.
After Sunday came and went, Monday arrived, and the Athletics Festival was only a week away.
He felt dead the entire day yesterday, and still felt terrible upon waking up this morning.
Utterly terrible. He was supposed to meet in the clubroom on Saturday, but Chihiro had left them out to dry. On Sunday, too, the Cultural Research Club seemed to have some kind of activity, but Chihiro had failed to participate.
After missing the first opportunity, he was even more scared of going to the second. The difficulty of it had increased far too much, and it was already too late — his whole body was bound by such thoughts.
No, it wasn’t that. He hadn’t gone for a specific reason. Chihiro had been losing sleep, spent a night outside, and had ruined his health. His body ached and he couldn’t put on any weight… he didn’t have a fever, though.
If he properly explained that to them, they’d understand, right? They were definitely willing to forgive something even worse, so it’d be okay, right?
But could he bring himself to ask them to let him join at this time? Where would he get that kind of courage?
Why hadn’t he taken action that day? Why did he think it would be fine if he did nothing?
From the bottom of his heart, Chihiro despised what he did back then.
Although he was afraid even to go to school, his body still automatically prepared itself. Chihiro had always held in contempt those types of mindless drones who knew only how to go with the flow, but he was actually one of them.
When he left the house in the morning, his mother, specifically coming to the vestibule to see him off, had said:
“By the way you look, it seems that your problem still isn’t resolved, so you need to really talk about it with your girlfriend.”
Apparently, Enjouji had pulled an intensely bizarre excuse with his mother.
“Uh, that was…”
“Sometimes both sides can be too emotional, so there’s no harm in spending some time away from each other, is there?”
She was actually making suggestions spiritedly.
“Hey, listen to me…”
“When you guys make up, you can bring her home as a guest… Ah, if it gets out of hand, just cool down for a while, and find another girl; you’re high school students anyway, so even if you have as many relationships as you want —”
Since it was too troublesome, he decided to ignore her and leave the vestibule.
After arriving at the classroom, Chihiro immediately scanned the scene, discovered that Enjouji had not come yet, and exhaled.
“Uwa.”
Shimono, sitting in front of him, pointed at Chihiro’s bag with his mechanical pencil.
“… What’s up with my bag? Huh?… You want me to put my bag on the table and open it?”
Although he couldn’t understand him, Chihiro did as he was motioned anyway.
Uwa quickly pulled out something wrapped in a paper bag from his own bag, and stuffed it into Chihiro’s.
What was he doing? Astonished, Chihiro peered at the contents of the paper bag —
“Hey, stop! Don’t take it out here!”
— There was a cover almost completely plastered with the color of human flesh; a so-called “A-movie”.
“… The hell are you trying to do… Hey!”
Just as Chihiro was getting more and more suspicious, Tada, who had just arrived, came near Chihiro’s seat.
“Hm? Oh, Tada, listen, I just gave Uwa a wonderful present.”
“Really, well, then… I suppose I’ll need to give him a present too? Uwa, let’s hang out together some time. Although we haven’t decided on a date yet, there’ll be girls involved.”
“Wh-what the hell is that ‘present’?! That’s no longer just a present!”
Shimono reacted before Chihiro could.
“Anyway… Why are you guys giving me stuff? It’s not my birthday or some kind of holiday.”
“How do I put it? Because you’ve been looking really down lately. But it’s already good that you can talk normally like this.”
Hearing Tada say that, Shimono continued, grinning: “Indeed, you were pretty bad for a while.”
“Are you guys… comforting me?”
“Don’t say it aloud, it’s embarrassing.”
“Maybe we are.”
Why were they suddenly doing this for him? What good did it do? What was their goal?
“So Shimono’s giving me a movie… and Tada’s giving me a real girl…”
“You don’t need to criticize even that, do you?! I feel empty too!”
“Ha ha ha, not bad, Uwa.”
Tada chuckled at Chihiro’s quip.
Chihiro suddenly realized that he was also entering the circle of laughter, very naturally at that.
It was much too natural, much too simple.
He’d obviously been abandoned by the world, but what now?
A warm atmosphere surrounded Chihiro.
Were humans really such warm beings?
“Well, what do you think, Uwa?”
“… Huh? Ah… Well, let’s pick a day after the Athletics Festival ends.”
Chihiro could not bring himself to coldly reject Tada’s invitation, so he accepted it.
“Great, then that’s decided. But… Athletics Festival, huh?”
Tada smirked bitterly, and Shimono spoke in a low voice:
“How do I put it~? Since a lot of classes are unusually serious about it, I think we’re gonna lose badly.”
“In other words… With things the way they are now, we can’t save our asses anymore.”
Both chuckled, as though they had more to say.
During class, Chihiro ignored the teacher’s endless torrent of a lecture, and thought.
He was once under the despairing impression that it was over; he thought that he would be facing the worst world imaginable today.
But the world was unusually gentle.
Chihiro discovered that, even though he wanted to reject everything, there would still be someone concerned for him, and would help him.
Whether it was Enjouji, Inaba, Nagase, Aoki, his mother, Shimono, or Tada.
For everything wrong that Chihiro did, the world did not blame him. Instead, it tried to protect him, vile as he was.
This was different from how he knew it before. This world s
Chapter end
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