Iris
/ Iris 6 Iris 6
Shit.
Another shitty day needs to pass by before I can do what I want to do. Before I can be free of all this shit.
Naisip ko, ilang videos na lang ba ang kailangan kong gawin? Do I really need to film them all? Do I really need to do this? Hindi ba pwedeng hayaan ko ang mga natitirang taong hindi nabanggit sa mga naunang video to wonder if they're the reason why I'm giving up? Can't I be selfish for the first time? Hindi ba pwedeng ako naman yung manakit? Ako na lang kasi palagi ang nasasaktan eh. Para akong nasa priority lane kapag iyan ang usapan. Siguro, kung makikita natin kung anong emotion ang main driver ng utak ko, like that movie Inside Out, hindi si Joy ang main driver ko. May bagong emotion na lalabas aside from the five of them, a scrawny gay guy with the name of pain, and becomes my brain's main driver.
After taking a few minutes to have a breather, I sat up once more and tried to gauge whether the video camera can still record me fine and clear. Dumidilim na rin nga kasi and I don't want the people who would watch this to think that this clip is only a voice over. Kailangan pa rin nila akong makita. ito na nga ang isa sa huling beses na makikita nila akong buhay, ipagdadamot ko pa ba?
I turned the flashlight of my phone on para makasiguro na this video would perfectly see me. "Hello there! Welcome to another episode of Iris TV! I am your host, Iris Kyle Figueras. This will be another episode to help you see the guileless life of yours truly. You have to savour each and every episode for you wouldn't be able to ask for more dahil sa oras na mapanood niyo ito, I might be busy filming another show in heaven or hell depending sa kung saan ako mapupunta after I claim my very own life. So sit back, relax, and enjoy!"
"So, let's go straight to our topic. For this video, we would talk about friendship. You, my dear viewer, have you ever had a friend?"
Friend. Sabi nung isang joke na nakita ko sa social media, ang kaibigan daw ay yung isang tao na hindi ka hahayaang gumawa ng kalokohan mag-isa. Ang kaibigan daw ay yung taong nakakasama mo sa mga masasayang oras pero laging nandyan sa mga oras na walang wala ka. A friend is a partner in crime. A friend can be your anything; sibling, cousin, teacher, bank, nurse, parent, anything. By how the society pictures a friend, sobrang exciting magkaroon ng kaibigan. Sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam.
"You may be wondering how do I define a friend? Dahil na rin ito sa impluwensya ni Paul, a friend for me is like a star. Stars may not always be present in the skies at night but in your heart you know they're there. Plus, stars make the lonely black sky a little bit brighter and a little bit more wonderful. Friends might not always be around you but you know they're there." Soon, I will be facing the pearly gates of heaven or the fiery entrance of hell and the gatekeeper would ask me, what is the one thing that you are proud of when you were living? I will look proudly at the gatekeeper as I answer him that I am proud that I met people I considered my friends. Sobrang kaunti man, at least they're true. After all, it is not about the quantity of something, what always matter is the quality. "I would not underestimate you, my dear viewer, I know na alam niyo na kung bakit natin ito pinag-uusapan for this video. Matatalino naman kayo eh, alam na alam ninyo nga kung paano ako pahihirapan 'di ba? You should laugh, that's a joke. A bad joke. Like me, I'm just as bad as the joke I threw. But before we stray away further, yes, this video will all be about friendship."
"So let us all start. Ladies and gentlemen, let us all give a warm round of applause as we welcome my next guest." Saglit kong iniharap yung cellphone ko sa camera para ipakita ang taong bibida sa usapang ito. "You are next, Frances Arra Ramirez."
Okay. This is it. Another chest shall be opened, muli ko nanamang sasariwain ang mga dinanas ko. Again, the only consolation I am getting here is the thought that I am so close to what I want. I am so near that finish line. "I met Arra when we were still in our nappies. Well, our fathers made us meet each other. Best friends kasi ang mga tatay namin since highschool and they were initially hoping na yung mga anak nila ay magkakagustuhan para maging relatives na sila. But imagine their disappointment when they learned about my preference. Nasira ang mga pangarap nila. That came at a much later time though pero ayun nga, we met each other since birth and naging magkaibigan na rin kaming dalawa while we're growing up."
Arra was like any other young girl out there. Mahilig siya sa pink, she wears her hair in pig tails, she carries a barbie doll with her always, she likes squealing and talking and Arra never wanted to be alone. She liked pleasing crowds. Me, on the other part of the spectrum, is quite the opposite. I remember myself as that kid who didn't like other kids and vice versa. I enjoy solitary at a very young age, I am enjoying childhood better when I'm alone. I am a wallflower even from the very start. Two contrasting personalities yet became the best of friends growing up.
"Arra would admit this, when we were 8, she didn't stop bothering me until I agreed to become her bestfriend. Yes, siya ang nag-initiate na maging mag-bestfriend kami dahil daw sabay kaming lumaki and we practically know what each other liked and wanted. Tsaka, naiinggit daw siya kasi yung mga girls sa village nila may bestfriend, siya na lang daw yung wala. Ayaw kong pumayag noon, kasi naiingayan ako sa kanya. Eh 'di ba nga I wanted solitude? Tsaka ano, gagawin niya akong bestfriend dahil lang sa inggit? Pero ewan ko, iba ang convincing powers ni Frances Arra kaya napapayag niya ako hindi kalaunan. She nagged me like that's the only thing she knew, she didn't stop until I agreed. So at the 8th day of April 2002, naging mag-bestfriends si Iris Kyle Figueras at Frances Arra Ramirez."
After that day, hindi na tumigil sa kapupunta sa bahay si Arra. She liked telling me things and later on, natutunan kong mag-reciprocate to the gesture. She is a talking machine, sobrang daldal niya about all sorts of stuff na hindi ko mapigilang mapagod para sa kanya. Madalas nga, sa pagod ko sa pakikinig sa kanya, iniiwanan ko siya sa kung nasaan kami at magkukulong sa kwarto. Susunod siya and susubukan nyang kulitin ako para pag-buksan siya ng pinto. She maybe the most talkative person I met but she also is the most patient, hihintayin niya lagi akong lumabas sa kwarto matapos makapag-pahinga and she'll continue as if nothing happened. Arra also wanted the both of us to do things together everytime kaya parehas kaming nag-enroll sa playschool, parehas kaming nag-music tutorials, parehas kaming pumupunta sa dentist, our clothes matches each other, pati mga pagkain namin matching. Minsan napagkakamalan kaming kambal ng mga tao sa dami ng pagkakaparehas namin. I was letting her do all that she wants to do because not only do I want her to just stop nagging me but it also makes her happy. At least, one of us is enjoying.
"Arra knew me so well, I never hid anything from her kasi nalalaman din naman niya when something is bothering me or when something is not right. I was an open book to her and she already mastered reading me. She stood with me and defended me from my father when he found out na hindi na matutuloy ang pinaplano nila ng tatay ni Arra dahil sa preference ko. She became my living diary, alam niya ang lahat ng mga nangyayari sa buhay ko even the cheating of my father kaya nga lumaki din siyang hindi masyado pinapansin ang Dad. She didn't like the people I didn't like. She was there through thick and thin kaya rin siguro umabot ako hanggang ngayon. She became my life support. I am forever grateful that Arra presented herself to be my best friend. If not for her, I would have ended my life way earlier. Pero nagtataka ma kayo siguro, why did Arra become one of my reasons? Anong ginawa ng taong tumulong para mapahaba ang buhay ko upang piliin kong itigil na ang pamumuhay sa mundong 'to?"
Like what I said awhile back, Arra knew a lot of things about me. Alam niya ang bawat habit and mannerisms ko, alam niya kung paano ako magrereact to certain situations, alam nga din niya kung paano ko ididigest ang mga sinasabi sa'kin eh. I think she knew me better than how I knew myself kaya nga hindi ako sinuportahan ni Arra kay Aaron noon kasi sabi niya he will only just cause me trouble, that he's just like my father if mot worse. Masasaktan lang ako. Medyo hindi ko lang siya pinaniwalaan noon kasi sabi ni Aaron baka medyo naiinggit sa kanya si Arra dahil nga may bago akong kaibigan. And being blinded by the charisma of Aaron, I indeed thought na baka Arra is not liking the idea that I have another close friend. But then when Arra proved herself right, pinagkukurot lang niya ako pero niyakap at dinamayan niya ako all throughout. She comforted me like a dear sibling but I remember her storming to the cafeteria to confront Aaron and you know what she did? She kicked him to where it hurts the most, sinipa niya si Aaron sa precious jewels niya habang pinagbabantaang huwag na akong lalapitan kung ayaw niyang mapasama. She curtsied to the wildly praising studentry then strutted her way out of the hall.
"The very day I met Paul, the first person I told him about is Arra. I gushed at her about the man distributing flyers under the scorching heat of the sun. Naalala kong pinagtinginan kami nung mga student athletes na nagprpractice noon sa quads kasi nagwawala si Arra noong kinukwento ko, masyado daw siyang kinikilig para sa akin kaya ayun nagsisigaw si girl. She badly wanted to meet Paul, she said she wanted to meet the man I am being interested with, she wanted to know if the guy is safe, if I am not being interested to another Aaron Pascual. I told her that she needs patience dahil naisip kong hindi naman yata appropriate na magpakilala agad ako ng isang tao sa taong kakakilala ko lang din. Umoo naman si Arra dahil baka nga daw mtakot niya yung tao at hindi na ako i-pursue."
So I continued going out with Paul and everytime that we will, ikinukwento ko iyon sa bestfriend ko and she never failed to squeal everytime. Lagi niyang sinasabi na mukhang I found the one na daw for me at ang swerte ko daw dahil doon. The day that Paul told me he's gonna court me, napagalitan si Arra ng mommy niya dahil sa kasisigaw niya. She squealed like it was the only thing she knew. Kilig na kilig si ate girl. Now she insists na dapat magkakilala na sila kaya I did, I scheduled them to meet each other a week after Paul started courting me. However, when they met, Arra didn't live up to how ecstatic and giddy she was back then. Medyo weird nung reaction niya kasi nag-mukha siyang parang nakakita ng multo. Medyo kinabahan nga ako kasi akala ko baka may nakita si Arra kay Paul na mag-push sa kanyang ayawan yung tao. She was out of the mood the entire day and it made me worried, tinanong ko naman siya pero sabi niya wala naman daw 'yun. She wasn't just in the mood kaya hinayaan ko na lang.
"Medyo naging distant si Arra after that day, the word medyo is used to just put things lightly kasi hindi naman talaga medyo lang ang naging paglayo niya sa'kin. She would only talk to me kapag kaming dalawa lang which became a rare event since lagi kong nakakasama si Paul. Most of the time, she would only be accessible through texts na ikinabahala ko. She seemed to be avoiding certain topics as well. I tried talking it out of her pero wala akong nakukuhang sagot. Iniisip ko na lang tuloy na baka may personal problem siya or something. It went for weeks na umabot hanggang mga buwan. One day, I found out why she was being distant."
It felt like Arra was growing out of the friendship she had with me. She's opening herself up to people and I am being left behind. I wasn't used to not getting in touch with her, I wasn't used to not being pestered by the girl I consider my only friend. Hindi niya sinasagot ang mga tawag ko though nagrereply naman siya sa mga text ko kahit na maiikli lang ang mga iyon at medyo mahahalata mong she's not in the mood for a conversation. I went out of my way to try and invite her for a bond pero tumatanggi siya citing various reasons. Nagkikita pa din naman kami sa school, tabi pa rin naman kami ng upuan but it was never the same. She went colder, she grew distant and I don't have any idea why. Kung wala si Paul na madalas magpagaan ng loob ko, I would have sulked in the corner because I am losing my only friend.
Then I contracted the flu. I was half hoping na things would change and I would see my bestfriend in my room taking care of me. But no, I didn't see her for the duration of my illness. All I got from her is just a text message wishing me to recover soon. And so the bad feeling only became worse. Imagine what I had to go through that week. My physical body is in pain at ayaw magpatalo ng damdamin ko. Then I found out nga that Paul was not being loyal to the relationship. You can only imagine how bad I felt that I had no one to go to dahil nilalayuan na ako ng bestfriend ko. So sino ang mapagsasabihan ko ng sama ng loob? Yung tatay ko ba na hindi ko na nakikita madalas mainly because he's satisfying his manly needs? O baka naman si Aaron that I thought was a friend pero pinag-tripan lang ako? Or maybe, kay Paul ko ikuwento ang panlolokong ginawa niya sa'kin? Thinking of it now, I am surrounded by evil people na walang ibang iniisip kundi ang sarili nila. How fortunate am I. Not.
"A week after my sickness, as what you might remember from the last video, I returned to school as if nothing happened. As if I am not in pain for being cheated on by the man I call mine. As if I am not getting depressed by the fact that the only human being who showed interest on what I have to say is gradually removing herself out of my life. I took everything in and hid it all, I need to have the rest of the studentry to think that everything is fine. I needed to act like nothing is going on dahil wala namang makakaintindi sa'kin dito. They would just judge me as madrama at masyadong balat sibuyas and I no longer need more judgings, I already had enough that will last for 3 lifetimes. I weaved lies for Paul and I blinded myself against reality for my bestfriend. And again, just like what I am saying from the previous videos, Life either didn't want me to fool myself or gusto lang niya talaga akong nasasaktan 24/7."
If Dora has Boots, Steve has Blue, Spongebob has Gary, and Jimmy Neutron has Goddard, pain has me. It always felt as if I am the companion of pain. Pain seemed to be acting like a hostile element that is immensely combustible makanti lang. Eh sadly, madalas makanti ang chemical na 'yun kaya hayan, hindi tumitigil ang pag-sabog.
"To be brutally honest, I cared more for the salvation of my relationship with Paul than trying to figure out Frances Arra's cold shoulder towards me. I assumed kasi na kahit papaano, hindi babaliwalain ni Arra yung years of friendship namin. I assumed because if the tables would be turned and it was me giving the cold shoulder to Arra, I would still consider the years we've gone through together. So when given the opportunity, I chose to find out who I was sharing Paul with. I needed to know the person I would need to beg for para layuan yung taong mahal ko, yung luluhuran ko sa pagmamakaawa if kinakailangan ibalik niya lang sa'kin ang buong atensyon ng boyfriend ko. But at that day, at that most unfortunate day, I found out that the woman I am sharing the man I love is actually my bestfriend. Yes, Frances Arra Ramirez is the woman of Joseph Paul Rosales. Ain't it funny? My boyfriend is cheating on me with my bestfriend."
Everything is still so clear to me. Naaalala ko kung gaano nanghihina yung mga tuhod ko sa pag-sunod sa kanilang dalawa hanggang sa makarating sila sa park. I can still picture out the look of concern by the people who saw me that day because I think I looked like I saw a ghost. Sino bang hindi magugulat kung makikita mo yung lalaking mahal mo at yung kaibigan mo mula pagkabata na magkahawak kamay at malawak ang ngiti para sa isa't isa habang naglalakad? That day, hindi ko alam kung anong una kong dapat maramdaman. Dapat ba akong maging masaya dahil masaya silang dalawa sa isa't isa? Should I feel betrayed because they're fooling me? I considered getting mad at them for doing this to me. Actually, feeling ko galit nga yata yung pinakamatindi kong naramdaman. I mean, I was putting so much effort on restraining myself from creating a scene and clawing their faces out. I tied myself on an invisible leash for me to just stay to my place and watch them be happy in the arms of one another.
I gave a bittersweet smile at the camera after wiping out another set of tears. Damn. I am starting to feel like a leaking faucet here. "But you know what I ultimately felt that day while I was watching you both? I felt sorry for the two of you. Kinailangan niyo pang itago ang nararamdaman niyo for my sake. Tanga ko din naman kasi talaga eh. I knew right from the very start that Paul is as straight as he will ever be pero heto pa rin ako, isang baliw na tao na ipinilit ang sarili sa isang taong alam naman niyang hinding hindi siya mahahalin. I am so stupid. Anong laban ng isang bading na napakaraming emotional baggages sa isang babaeng wala man lang problema? Sa preference pa nga lang wala na talaga kong laban eh. Again, I fought a losing battle."
"Frances Arra, my one and only bestfriend, I would never hate you for loving. I am actually proud of you. Pero alam mo ba kung bakit ka parte ng video na'to? It's because you lied to me. You of all people should know that I will never appreciate any form of dishonesty. Sabihin mo mang white lies ang bagay na ito, still, you lied. You are on this list not because you fell in love but because you didn't trust me enough to understand. You dared to break our friendship. Was I that fragile in your eyes? Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko magagawang maging masaya para sa'yo kahit na iisa tayo ng lalaking mahal? Friends do not lie to each other, Arra. They support one another. And because of what you did, you made me doubt the concept of friendship. You wrecked the very few shards of trust I was stitching up. You broke my concept of honesty. Frances Arra Ramirez, you are on this elite group of people for you have trampled on my spirit."
Chapter end
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