Faithful To Buddha, Faithful To You
/ Faithful to Buddha, Faithful to You Chapter 45
We look at everything in front of us in astonishment . There are decorations of gold and jewels everywhere . Even the curtains and tablecloths are woven with gold thread . In the middle, there is a massive table carved from white jade . Everything gleams under the sunlight, the brightness of which makes my eyes hurt . More than a dozen palace maids are lining up before us in a half-bow posture and all at once, they say:
“We are here to serve you, Master!”
I whisper to a maid closest to me: “What is this place?”
She is caught off-guard by my question for a second, before replying respectfully: “This is the chamber of the previous king and his most favoured concubine, Princess Wusun!”
I smile bitterly . Is that so? Earlier, when the Di guards told us to gather up our belongings and follow them, I had thought we were going to be put into jail or somewhere similar . Who would have thought that we would end up in this opulent chamber? Make no mistake, we are still being imprisoned, though this ‘jail’ of ours is rather lavish—a golden cage so to speak . It looks like Lu Guang’s first move in trying to win over Rajiva is to use jewels and beautiful women .
Rajiva appears nonchalant as usual and though he speaks without any inflection, his voice is firm in telling the maids that we do not need them to serve us and that they can go .
When there are only the two of us left, he glances around the room once before letting out a long sigh:
“This is too luxurious . Before mother left for Tianzhu [India], she had told the king that if internal affairs are neglected, outer forces will gain strength, the kingdom will weaken and eventually fall into a decline . ”
He contemplates for a moment before shaking his head: “Perhaps the king meeting such an end was inevitable . ”
“Rajiva, it’s quite clear what Lu Guang’s intentions are in moving you to this place . ”
I intertwine his fingers with mine and together, we look around this room filled with so much opulence it makes one’s head spin .
“He wants you to succumb to a life full of luxury and pleasures with all these possessions and beauty, so that your will gets weakened . ”
“Rajiva is confident in not being defeated by this devious plan . All these gold and jade are merely objects that exist separately from my body, no different than dust . As for beauty-”
He pauses and looks into my eyes, a gentle smile blooming at the corner of his lips:
“Rajiva was imprisoned with the princess for three days and did not make a move even once, so naturally, beauty cannot shake my heart . ”
He pulls me into his arms and uses one hand to caress the top of my head to my hair then down to my waist, before whispering into my ear:
“In this life, the only woman who can make Rajiva willing to break the precepts, to be cast into hell, is only you…”
My face feels hot . That sentence of his sounded sweeter than any sworn declaration; the words permeate my very soul and alight a strange feeling in my entire body .
The hand on my waist is holding me tighter . I rest my head against his chest and listens to the sound of our heartbeats beating in tandem .
“Rajiva,” I call out, but why does my voice sound so hoarse?
He suddenly lets me go and takes a few deep breaths before moving his eyes to the window .
“It’s late . You should wash up and rest . ”
This residence has a big bathing chamber . I blush as soon as I walk inside . Bronze mirrors are placed on all four sides of the wall, meaning your naked body will be seen from every angle, and together with the steam from the water, it makes everything misty and your imagination running wild . A palace maid comes in and offers to help, but I immediately refuse .
There are petals of various colours floating on the water surface, the smell of which is rather fragrant . While soaking in the bathtub, I cannot help but think about the fact that the previous king and Princess Wusun also bathed here, and how the scene must have looked like reflected in these mirrors… I dare not imagine any further . Shaking my head, I try to chase the thoughts so I can finish washing up quickly .
However, when I see the clothes the maid has prepared for me, my face gets heated up again . It’s a gown made from silk, powder pink in colour, and the neckline of it is so low than you can see my cleavage quite easily . It has a slit on the side of the skirt all the way to my thigh . Clearly this gown is made to seduce others! I am just going to put back on the Han dress that Pusyseda’s wife has chosen for me .
I keep my footsteps light when I come out of the bathroom, slightly worried about how things will fare tonight, but then I see Rajiva sitting cross-legged on the carpet and chanting mantras, his face calm . Ah, what was I being so nervous for!
Hearing movement, Rajiva opens his eyes and seeing me, his face suddenly turns red and his head turns down a bit .
“You are sleeping on the large bed tonight . I will take the daybed . ”
The large bed is lavishly decorated and placed conspicuously in the center of the chamber . Under the candlelight, the hanging pink curtains look even more alluring . Cheeks aflame, I step closer to the women’s daybed* . The bed is carefully crafted and quite beautiful, wide enough for two people to lie on .
* somewhere between a daybed and a chaise, it’s a type of small bed in the Han dynasty that women lounge on .
“I will take the daybed . ”
Without waiting for his answer, I immediately climb on the bed and pull the blanket over me, turn my body to face the wall, and close my eyes . I do not hear any sounds for a long moment, but I can feel that he is standing very near me . The inside of my palm is sweating, but I do not know what exactly it is I am expecting .
A long while later, I hear the sound of footsteps near me, then getting further and further, eventually ending with the sound of the door closed . I open my eyes and turn around . He has left the chambers . Outside is a small courtyard, which is still within our range of movement .
I can guess what his intentions are so I do no try to follow him, afraid I would disturb his peace . I close my eyes again in exhaustion . I have not had a single night of good sleep ever since I return to the experiment lab . My nerves are wrung tight as a result . The road ahead of us is filled with thorns and bumps, I must get a good rest if I am to overcome it all .
With such thoughts, my body relaxes and I fall into a deep sleep . Some time later, in my sleep haze, I feel a light pressure on my forehead and a breeze-like sound passing through my ear:
“Sleep well, you have suffered much the past few days . ”
I utter a noncommittal reply and turn around unconsciously . I seem to have moved to something soft and pillowy . Happy, I fly to meet Zhou Gong* .
* a Chinese expression, meaning to have good dreams
In front of me is a close-up of a face, long eyebrows, pointed chin, eyes closed, his even breaths sliding against my face . Startled, I sit up, pulling my arm out of the blanket too fast that I inadvertently hit him . He curls up behind me, eyes flashing open as he grunts in pain, but then lies still and closes his eyes again .
“What happened?”
I lean over to look at him . I don’t know where I had hit him . He looks like he is still in pain .
“Nothing . ” He bites his lips, eyes still closed, his face flaming red, then turns to the other side . “You should get up first . ”
I remain on the daybed . So he has not slept on the bigger bed and instead gone to my side .
“How did you end up sleeping here?” I ask him with a small voice .
“Rajiva lives by the Buddhist precepts and cannot sleep on high and luxurious beds . But seeing that you were already asleep, not wanting to wake you up, I stay like that all night . ”
I remember that precept because he once mentioned it to me [T/N: see Ch . 13] . I wonder if he was as nervous as me when I first slept next to him . If he slept well . All these questions swirl in my head, intertwined with all kinds of thoughts, bundled into a feeling of warmth . I cannot help but smile . I want to tease him: “That is only an excuse, right? One look at you and I know . ”
He turns around, seeing me smile, his face reddens even more . Eyes cast, he barely gets his next words out: “You…still discovered by you . All night, reading sutras, it was all futile…”
I am stunned . He means… .
Involuntarily, my eyes drift over to his body . Even though he is covered by a blanket, I can still notice that something is different . Face aflame, I feel like digging myself into a hole then .
I know that his discipline and restraint are extraordinary, nobody can compare, because he did not touch me all night . But restraining himself like that all night long, he must have been very uncomfortable?
I gather my courage and ask him carefully: “D-Do you want to?”
He looks at me in surprise, then elated, he sits up and leans over me . His grey eyes, normally still as a lake in autumn, are now turbulent with waves . Breathing fast and visibly trembling, he finds my lips, but then suddenly stops, turns away and hangs his head low .
“Must not…” He closes his eyes, agonized: “You will get hurt…and bleed again…”
I am stunned once again . So he has been forbidding himself from touching me because of this . How can he be so pure! He joined monkhood at seven, became famous all throughout the Western Regions, but that was merely an achievement in Buddhism . When he steps on the dais, he is an esteemed master before the masses with unmatched wisdom . But he barely has any knowledge about sex, if at all . Perhaps in the past thirty five years, he has never thought that he would ever need to learn about this topic, or about women’s biology .
“Rajiva, look at me!”
I use one hand to push myself up, the other I use to gently tilt his chin so that he faces me .
“A woman will only bleed on her first time, but not anymore after that . So you don’t have to worry about me being hurt . ”
“Ai Qing…”
He does not dare to look at me, his lips quiver as he asks: “You are not repulsed?”
“Why?” I am taken aback .
“Because Rajiva is impure, unable to quell my desire . ”
He closes his eyes, his brows trembling .
“Last night, afraid that I will not be able to withstand it, I stepped out into the courtyard and meditated for a long time . But when I came back into the room, I could not help but want to touch you . You fell asleep on my arm, making me recall how when you first came back eleven years ago, you had also lied on my lap and slept . Thinking about it, my heart filled up with desire . Rajiva washed many times last night, but whenever you are around, I am unable to resist the spell of lust . I could not sleep and stayed awake until it was time for morning mantra… Afraid that noise would wake you up, Rajiva stepped outside to chant . I thought that if I don’t see your sleeping form, desire would not take a hold of me and I would be able to meditate . But some mystical power made me return and lie next to you again . You were right, Rajiva was making excuses to be near you . ”
He opens his eyes, finally willing to look at me, but his face is a mixture of shame and desire .
“Rajiva has dishonoured you, you must be repulsed?”
I smile . How can I not love this man! He only knew to bury his head in mantras to dispel his desires . If not because of extenuating circumstances, I am certain that he would have guarded his dignity to the end . Because he has put all his mind into spreading the words of Buddha, that is why, despite being thirty-five, he is still so pure and innocent . He has not changed in the past twenty years . I cannot help but be moved . Is there such a man anymore in the 21st century?
I want him to be able to experience the feeling of body and soul becoming one, so I must take the initiative . Even though my knowledge is based on books only, I am still a person from the 21st century, so my understanding is still better than his . I think I am similar to him in many ways, because since a young age, I have only single-mindedly pursue one goal: to read a thousand books and travel a thousand miles, so I have never fallen in love . Those R-18 books and films, I have also never seen or watched . Because that goal has consumed my mind, I never had room to think about anything else . Perhaps I can also be considered an odd one even by 21st century standards, a century that is all about desires and instant gratifications .
After thinking carefully, I tell him: “Sex is neither terrible nor dirty . The bodies of men and women are made by the heavens . Sex is part of nature, the most beautiful thing in the world . You desiring me does not mean you are dishonouring me, it means that you love me . ”
I pause and lovingly gaze at the face that I can never seem to get my fill of, then ask: “Rajiva, do you love me?”
He opens his mouth, wanting to say something but unable to utter any words, his swan-like neck completely red .
I place a finger on his lips and shake my head . “You don’t have to say anything, I have already known the answer . Sex is not a one-sided desire, it is two people loving and wanting each other . ”
My finger brushes over his brows, his eyes, then his high nose, and then finally stops at his quivering lips .
“I love you, so I also want to touch you . I also have dreamt of us together . I also desire you…”
I do not know how my voice can turn so alluring . Smiling, I lean down to kiss him . The soft feel and taste of his lips seem to imprint in my heart . He lets out a small sound, parts his mouth to let me in, and then it becomes a synchronized dance between us . He half-closes his eyes, his lashes fluttering, a tremor running through, then he moves a hand behind my back and presses me closer to him .
I suddenly lean away from his lips, and seeing disappointment flooding his eyes, I cannot help but laugh . I lay a hand against his cheek and whisper: “Listen to your instincts and wants . In this moment, forget about your status . Right now you are simply a man and I am your woman . As long as you want it, I would not deny you . ”
“Ai Qing!”
He calls my name with fervour . The hesitation and shyness from earlier are now gone, he flips over to cover my body . His eyes a burning flame, he brushes his feverish lips over my eyes, my nose, my lips, then plays with my tongue inside . One of his hands has moved to the buttons on my left shoulder, but he fumbles, unable to pop them open .
He moves away, carefully looks at the buttons, a look of helplessness overtaking him, just like how Rajiva in his youth looks twenty years ago . Unable to help it, I let out a small laugh, a feeling of warmth spreading all throughout me .
Finally able to conquer the buttons, he takes off the sash at my waist and pulls my arms out of from each sleeve . When my front is exposed, a cold breeze seems to brush past out of nowhere, but even that is not enough to cool down the burning heat of my body . I exhale loudly, beads of sweat pooling on my forehead, but I do not turn my face away, because I want to see him when he looks at my body .
His movements are careful, as if he is holding a treasure in his hands . I am still wearing my undershirt . He blinks a few times but still unable to figure out how to take it off, fumbling to find the knots at my sides . I turn around . He sees the buttons but now the difficulty level is higher than that of my outer robe . He tries again and again but still unsuccessful, then turns to look at me with pleading eyes .
I smile but my hands are trembling as I unclasp the buttons and by the time I am done, my hands are damp . Seeing his eyes fall onto that area, I feel embarrassed and move my hands to cover, but get stopped by his hands gently prying them away . His hand is also trembling as he carefully explores, then his lips kiss one side of my breasts .
“Ai Qing, you are beautiful . ”
His soft words, together with the gentle touches, make my entire body tremble . His hand moves in a slow caress all over me, and his lips travel from my breasts to my neck, then stop at my ear . The moment he bites my ear, I suddenly shudder and duck away .
“What’s wrong?”
He lifts his head and looks at me in worry .
“Nothing . It’s j-just that,” I stutter, embarrassed, “just that…my ear, I’m very sensitive there, so as soon as someone blows on my ear, my whole body would turn numb . ”
This is the first time I have told somebody this weakness .
He is stunned for a moment, then he laughs out loud, a happy sound . Before his laughter has subsided, I can already see his eyes turning sly (a look that I have never seen before) as he observes me . His voice is not as gentle as before:
“Then…for the first time, Rajiva wants to do something terrible . ”
I get the feeling that something is amiss and try to move away, but immediately get surrounded by his arms . He blows on my ear, a breath of air that feels like ice water travelling down my spine, which tickles me so much that I cannot help but burst into giggles, asking him for mercy . He stops teasing me and smiles at me with an indulgent gaze full of warmth and gentleness .
I put my arms around his neck and pout: “Not fair . You have seen all of me…”
I cast my eyes over his body: “Where I live, equality between men and women is very important, so…I want to see you too…”
He suddenly looks up and in his eyes that are like pools of water, my reflection is akin to a small boat in them . He gazes at me for a long moment before he slowly nods .
“All right . ”
He sits up and takes off his robes, his eyes never leaving me . Sunlight is pouring into the room through the thin curtains and casting its glow on his honeycomb skin, highlighting every line of his thin body . My eyes travel along those lines . Filled with emotion, I exclaim: “Rajiva, your body is also beautiful…”
He casts his eyes and suddenly turns away . A look of embarrassment appears on his already red face, making one’s heart flutter again . He is already at a mature age, but he is still shy like a teenager . As confident as he looks when he gives lectures from a high platform, he is as now hesitant and shy in equal measure . Inside, I am overwhelmed with emotions and gratitude that the heavens have granted me such a wonderful man!
“No, do not hide,” I say gently, stilling his arms . “I want to see all of you…”
“Ai Qing…” His eyes still seem to avoid me: “Rajiva looks terrible right now…”
“Do you like my body?”
He finally turns back to look at me, his eyes gently roam over my body before he nods shyly: “I do…”
I smile and use my hands to caress over his smooth skin, feeling his muscles tensing underneath my palms .
“I also like your body, very beautiful… So you should not feel embarrassed . Let me look at you, this is a gesture of your love for me . ”
He bites his lips but a smile is forming . He turns around to face me fully, his face still flaming red, but looking increasingly more confident and like his usual self . His body is beautiful, his smile is beautiful, and even that confidence of his, his willingness to show all of him to me, is also beautiful . I love everything about him…
We lay ourselves bare and face each other fully as we bask in the other’s loving gaze and touch . The feeling from my fingertips travels to my heart in gentle waves . I guide him to enter my body, and once he is inside, I let out a whimper . He stops, his eyes assessing me .
“I am fine…”
I think I should tell him how I feel: “It’s just, I have never felt as happy as this…”
Joy lights up his smile . He leans down to kiss me, then whispers into my ear: “Rajiva feels the same…”
Time begins to lose meaning . Hours, minutes, seconds, they cease to nothing . Only the measure of depth remains . I am no longer alone in this world . There is now a man here with me, for me .
Looking at the beads of perspiration as he pants with exertion, listening to his groans and gasps as he reaches his climax, my eyes become wet with tears .
“What’s wrong?”
He supports his body on one arm, still breathing hard, hurriedly wiping the tears on my cheeks .
“I hurt you, didn’t I? I am sorry-”
“No, don’t let go of me, continue . ”
I hook my ankles and my arms around him . I want to create a string to bind us together . I move close to his ear and say, my voice choked: “I am not hurt, I am happy… I am not sad, I am elated…”
My voice becomes more choked, but I want to put into words all that I am feeling now: “I am very happy, extremely happy, happier than I have ever been . You and me together, becoming one, I love this feeling…”
“Ai Qing…” he calls out in a ghost of a breath, then kisses me with renewed passion .
Perspiration pools on my forehead, on my lips, then lands on his tongue and seeps into my mouth . That salty, cloying taste is just like the smell of roses in the garden . His never-ending, fervent kisses make me feel as if wings are being attached to my body, lifting me high up into the wide blue sky . I flap my wings furiously, diving and spinning around, then fly straight to where the sun is .
I think to myself: Those moths, at that moment when they throw themselves into a flame and allow their bodies to burn, do they too perhaps experience a feeling of incandescent happiness like I am right now?
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Chapter end
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