11/23 Chapter 19

Thank you @ImJustTesting for pointing out my mistakes in previous chapters! ❤

And oh my goodness, this chapter is… 

¹Tatay - Nanay is Mom while Tatay is Dad. ²Kokoro - Japanese for Heart. #AchillesHeels

“Bottled toxic feelings, when exposed, can lead vulnerability to own downfall.”

-x-

Breathing became a chore for Jhing—dragging the air in and out of her lungs, trying to get everything inside, especially the outside,  intact—and keep going like she did the past years. She can't escape from him any longer. Jhing must face her fear, her anger, her disgust which were the reason she kept everything bottled inside.

In writing stories, it’s a must that a writer creates conflict for the character to choose between two important things. They must have a hard time choosing what to do where even the readers will go insane because choosing either one will have consequences.

Conflicts will make a character dynamic, relatable and… human.

Jhing was a writer, alright. And she hated the fact that she couldn’t write her own life because she didn’t want to write the day she needed to choose between; to save herself from her Tatay¹ or save her Tatay from her.

She wanted to be selfish, but she couldn’t stand hearing her Nanay’s pleads, apologies, and cries anymore; like what her Nanay did when she gave her savings for his hospital bill.

“Thanks, Jhing,” her mother cried on the phone.

She can also hear her Tatay's screaming "I don't need any help!"

His sound decreased in volume. It seems like her Mother walked a distance to not let Jhing hear his words. "Thank you, Jhing, really. I'll pay it back in the future."

The call ended with Jhing’s silence.

There was no time for crying. She can't explain what she was feeling right now—everything was too much. Jhing needed to force herself to get up from the bed and work to get all the money she lost. The feeling was fucking hell when she withdraws all her money from the bank—she gave everything away for someone who won’t care for her.

Damn. Fuck. Shit Shit. Shit. Shit.

Her Mom was so worried about her Father that she didn't go home even though she already has a high blood pressure. Her brother texted Jhing two weeks after her birthday. Their parents fought the moment they got home so yeah…

Jhing wanted to curse, and she was going to hell for thinking: Fuck! We should've let him rot! but she ended up feeling nothing… She tried to feel nothing while all the emotions tried to escape from her. Anger. Fear. Disgust. Hatred.

But she didn't have time to be emotional.

Jhing dragged herself to the office and forced herself to smile when Miko sat next to her in the pantry. Looking at him as he chats with everyone happily made her envy him.

I hope I could smile like him.

“Are you okay?” Miko asked in the middle of lunch. “You're in a daze again. I'm already next to you and you still miss me?"

Jhing tried to smile. “I was thinking of ways to kill you."

It was Miko’s smile that forced Jhing to not think too much. “Wow, your words are so moving sometimes… just sometimes."

Jhing started OT'ing with or without pay. Working gave her the reason to not think too much and just go with the flow of reading the manuscripts even though some of them are boring. She's in Manila but her mind kept flying away as it worries about her family who's in the province.

When she asked how her Nanay was, the latter only texted: we're ok here. you? dont forget 2 eat and sleep. take care ok. i'll pay the money you lost asap.

But her brother said otherwise: i can hear nanay cry every night in the washroom. tatay hasn't been home either.

Her Mother is good at hiding her pain and it was pissing Jhing off but she can't complain when she was the same as her. Ah, like Mother like daughter.

“How can I be optimistic like you?" Jhing asked while staring at the manuscript she was editing.

On the cubicle next to hers was Miko who also stayed overnight. He was using his laptop while wearing earphones on. He's listening to Screamo so he couldn't hear Jhing's words.

“How do you do it? Cope with a smile?”

Jhing turned to Miko. He was busy drawing illustrations. She stared at his lips smiling and singing the lyrics of the song silently and at his relaxed posture that made Jhing thought: How do you do it?

Probably because she was staring too long, Miko noticed her. Without looking away from his laptop, the man gave a knowing smile as he said with a loud voice: "IS THIS THE MOMENT WHERE YOU WILL CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE FOR ME THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STARING? YOU'RE MELTING ME."

Damn! His voice is making her ears bleed!

Jhing pulled Miko's earphone off. She can clearly hear the loud music coming from the buds. "I realized that I wanted to melt you with my stare so you can disappear from this world," she said and rolled her eyes before shutting her computer down. "I'm going home."

Miko's smile widened. "Are you telling me this as a hint for me to walk you home?"

“Hah,” Jhing breathed. “It's a hint where one more word of your nonsense and I will push you off the building.”

Miko also turned his laptop off and put it in his backpack. They both walked towards the fire exit.

“Is that a hint that you will catch me when I fall?"

“Try it,” she said before stopping in her tracks. “Jump off.”

“Weh?” Miko raised a brow.

“How will we not know if we don't try?” she asked.

“You're really a sadist.”

Jhing was tired of talking, but talking to Miko was the only thing that made her sane the past few days. It was the only thing that can stop her unwanted thoughts from coming. She was clinging to him—something she didn't want to do in the past, Jhing ended up doing it today/

She didn’t want to drag him to her own hell… but she didn’t want to burn again.

“What are the most hateful words that have been said to you an Artist?"Jhing asked out of the blue while having dinner at a mall.

Miko didn't want to go home yet while Jhing also didn't want to be alone so they went out.

Miko smirked. “Drawing for free.”

Jhing grimaced. “For free?”

“Yeah. They treat me like a drawing factory as if I don't need money to live," Miko said while eating his spaghetti. “It's annoying. They think that being an artist is easy. They think that drawing and thinking of an original concept are easy—and they want me to do it for free. They even want to rush me! Sometimes I want to tell them: Why don't you draw it yourself if you think it's this easy."

Jhing smiled at Miko’s outburst. The way he stabbed the hotdog of his pasta looked as if he wanted to stab someone with a knife. “This is the first time I heard you rant. I thought I'm the only one that has problems in life."

His laugh made Jhing’s heart lighter. “Everyone has problems in life," Miko said. “I also want to complain about people who walk really slowly especially when I'm late for work. I almost got into a fight before because someone suddenly stopped walking while screaming Whaaat!? Over the phone." I bumped into her then, it was so annoying.”

“You get into fights too ah?”

“If only I can punch her in the face,” Miko said as he shook his head. “But she was a woman ah. My fists need to be respectful."

Jhing likewise shook her head and rolled her eyes. They both started chatting about random topics and shitty things until the happy night ended. And just like every night, she ended up alone in her apartment—lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling with thoughts that were far from the silence she wanted to have.

Thankfully, the book team got busy. Her work was keeping her alive. They organized a signing event in February. By March, their list of 2016 books increased, and April got hectic for editing manuscripts. May was the month where another book got adopted to a movie so Jhing further got distracted away from her problems. She was fed up asking her Nanay how she was because she kept spouting lies anyway.

She was tired of too much I’m okay lies so she stopped asking.

“My kokoro² is hurting!”

It was obvious that Fall was in a bad mood and she was trying to lighten up her mood by fooling around. They sat inside a coffee shop waiting for Jhing’s departure. She wanted to go back home to the province. She already worked hard for the money she lost anyway.

“Just let it be,” Jhing said.

It was nice for Fall to see her off in the terminal. Her home is nearby anyway so even though it's early morning, she still went for Jhing. Though the latter felt bad for her, she still jumped on Fall’s kindness so she won't get bored while waiting.

“I can’t! I just can’t!” Fall said dramatically. “They keep on judging me, us! It's mainstream so it's cheesy? Mainstream, that's why it's a shitty story? We can't win awards because we're a trash?" she said, ranting. “They seem to think that we will never improve. I’m trying to get out of that stupid mainstream idea, okay?”

“You’re trying your best,” Jhing said as she tries to lift Fall’s spirit. “Right?”

“Yes ah.” Fall sighed. “I just want to go back 10 years ago when I first started. They all told me that I was underrated—better than those mainstreams. Oh~ If only we can be as happy as before when there weren't any judgemental haters."

Jhing bit her lip. Indeed, if only they can go back to the past… "But we won't be able to learn our lesson," she said. “You won't be able to experience the things you have experienced until now. Maybe there’s one thing that you can do.”

“What?” Fall sipped her coffee.

“Don’t be scared,” Jhing said those words not only for Fall but also for herself. "Don’t let it get to you.”

When Jhing's ride came, Fall texted someone before bidding their goodbyes. Jhing also saw Fall riding a jeepney home. She texted Fall, thanks for coming and got a reply of Treat me in the future! Hahaha! 😀 Don’t forget Anawangin getaway!!!

She shook her head, smiling.

As they wait for the rest of the bus passengers, someone sat next to Jhing who was reading the comments on her stories. She posted three new chapters on her Wattpad earlier.

A few minutes later, the guy who was sitting next to her peeked at her phone. Jhing frowned, but before she could stand up and get to another seat, the guy said, “You're also a Wattpader?”

That question made Jhing ignore someone's clearing of the throat at the aisle. She was too busy chatting with her seatmate about Wattpad stories and books.

“Ehem,” another clearing of the throat.

The guy next to her looked at the newcomer so Jhing also glancing in the same direction.

And there, lo and behold— Miko with a big backpack, shades, and casual clothes.

“Is someone sitting here?”

Miko removed his shades. Why was he wearing it in the first place anyway? It's still dark outside. Before the other guy scooted near Jhing, Miko stopped him as he gave his backpack to him.

"Can you put this in the compartment for me oh," he said and sat next to Jhing. He left his bag to that stranger but he didn't care. "I'll just sit here. I'm the type to get dizzy during a ride whenever I'm not sitting next to someone else."

Jhing just stared at Miko, utterly confused. His words don't make any sense!

“What… are you doing here?”

Miko looked at Jhing with a shocked expression. “O, you're here too? I'm going to visit my tropa. How about you? Where are you going?"

The other guy sitting at the other side butted in. “You know each other?”

“No, ah. Can you introduce her to me bro," Miko said with a smile. “But how can you introduce us when you two also don't know each other. By the way, Miko—"

It was absurd, Jhing thought, but she was surprised when Miko and the other guy clicked as they talked about art and animation because of the stranger's shirt. The other minute, Miko was sending daggers at the guy, then the next - they were like bros.

Men… and Miko. So friendly.

The stranger went out of the bus first so Miko turned his attention towards Jhing who was staring outside.

“You're going back to your hometown,” Miko said. “Why didn't you tell me?"

Jhing raised her eyebrows. “Do I need to?”

"Not really.”

“Are you here because—”

“How conceited!” Miko’s defense. “I'm going to visit my tropa, okay!"

Jhing just nodded. “Okay, fine. Defensive.”

They both fell silent after a few minutes as they listened to music. Miko shared his earphones with her while they both looked at the window—at the starless night. After a while, Jhing’s eyes gradually felt heavy, so she closed her eyes.

But she was shocked when she suddenly felt a hand on her cheeks. Miko gently moved her head to lean on his shoulder. Jhing could complain… but she didn't. Instead, she let herself lean on Miko. The man even leaned his own head on top of hers and again, Jhing let him. They just sat there, earphones stuck in their ears, as they both fell asleep.

Jhing woke up when Miko poked her cheeks. Jhing looked up before checking her surroundings. Ugh, her neck hurts. She noticed that a few passengers had stood up to get their bags.

“We're here?” she asked absentmindedly.

Miko snickered. “Secret. Guess?” he said while massaging his neck and shoulders.

When they got out of the terminal, Jhing bid goodbye to Miko. She was expecting him to go in the other direction, but he followed her. Whatever path she takes, Miko was walking behind her like a dog. He even looked dumb because he probably thought that Jhing didn't notice because of the way he hid.

Jhing stared back at him with a creased brow. “Are you following me?"

“Huh?” Miko widened his eyes as he looked left to right. "Who's this woman talking to?"

Jhing’s cheeks flushed but Miko just laughed before pulling her to the closest eatery. He treated her food without answering why the hell he was there. While eating their meals, Miko called someone on his phone.

“Co! I'm in Quezon now,” he said while looking at Jhing who was frowning. “Ha? What? Isabela?”

“What—”

“Dammit, are you serious? I thought you're from here!? Why are you in Isabela!? Can't you just come here in Quezon ah!?"

Jhing was embarrassed on his behalf because of everyone's stares. When Miko dropped the call, he stared at nothingness and sighed.

“What's with you now?” she asked.

“Everything was a lie,” Miko whispered. “I've been thinking that Marco lives in Quezon but… it's actually in Isabela? What's going to happen to me now?" he asked, brows furrowed. “Am I going to become a beggar in Quezon? Is this the place where I die? Get buried? Jhing, what should I do?”

Miko was acting… shit. He wasn’t a good actor for he couldn’t keep his smile from showing.

Jhing rolled her eyes, “Try crying. Maybe someone will pity you."

He clutched his shirt, near his chest. “Ouch.” Then he shook his head. “I can feel your concern, really."

Because they were done eating, Jhing stood up. Miko was going to start another spout of acting to beg, but Jhing stopped him and sighed before saying, “Fine. You can stay with us for now.”

A triumphant smile bloomed on Miko’s face.

After three hours of a boat ride, they finally reached Jhing's home.

“There's no lock on your gate?” Miko commented when Jhing entered their lot.

“Everyone's really kind here,” Jhing said. “Unlike in Manila.”

Jhing wasn't surprised when her Mom was so happy after introducing Miko. The idiot was talkative and it was a good thing because she saw her Mom smile when Miko joked about Jhing being too serious at work.

When she entered the bedroom, her siblings, Undoy, Yel, Enteng, and LetLet, were already awake and greeted her whilst smiling.

“Who's that guy talking to Nanay, Ate?" Yel asked.

“My co-worker.”

“Suitor?” Enteng asked.

Jhing shook her head and changed her clothes to casual. She wanted to sleep but her Mom forced her to eat breakfast with her siblings who were already getting mushy with Miko. Jhing looked around the house—nothing has changed since the day she last visited.

“I know how to create blood," Miko said when Enteng ranted about their film project in school. “I was even surprised to learn that the fake blood wasn't actually ketchup." He laughed.

“I thought it was ketchup po?!” Yel asked.

“Nope. I learned it in the past when I was still in production class."

“Eh Kuya,” Letlet, the youngest one, asked, “What's your job po right now?”

“Illustrator. Sometimes an artist… kind of.”

“COOL!” everyone chorused. Nanay smiled at them. “Can you draw me!" Enteng said. “Me too!” then the others followed.

Jhing thought that Miko will get pissed but he didn't. He even asked for paper and pen. Her siblings watch Miko draw and they were all amazed. They started asking about art stuff and Miko gave decent answers.

That was when she felt Miko was serious about his art.

Then Undoy dropped a comment that made Jhing’s heart leaped. “Your style looks similar from what Ate received before. Right, Ate?" he looked up at Jhing. “That gift—”

“It's gone,” Jhing suddenly cut off. She saw Miko grinning so she looked away. "I already threw it. I even burned it."

Yel added, “Oh, no, Ate! Weren't you taking care of it so gently? I even saw it in the cabinet—”

Jhing stood up. “Don't you have any assignments to do?"

She felt her cheeks burning up especially when Miko glanced at her before shaking his head. Jhing didn't get the chance to roll her eyes because Miko went back to drawing her siblings' faces…. But the idiot was still freaking smiling!

She needed to set Miko’s gifts on fire. But, you know…. It's such a waste. Whatever, Miko wouldn't find out. The gifts are buried deep in her cabinet after all.

After taking a nap, her siblings took Miko in the market and their backyard. Jhing decided to stay with her Nanay. It has been a long time since she went home anyway. They were silent for a bit so her Mother tried to break the ice.

“Jhing, tell me the truth,” her Nanay said while washing the dishes. “Is Miko your boyfriend?”

“Nay!”

Her Mom smiled. “I can see how that man makes you smile," she said. “He's kind. His background is also pretty good. I think you're the real reason why he's here, no?"

“He's just crazy, Nay,” Jhing said. “He doesn't have anything to do with his life, that's why he came with me.”

“In the middle of work? Didn't he also took his day off?"

Her Nanay smiled, but Jhing was too sure the glint in her eyes weren’t tears of happiness. She thought of him. Jhing wanted to avoid the topic but she couldn’t, could she? No matter how much she turns her world around, she would always come back to the person she hated the most.

“Nay, how are you?” she asked. “Tatay—”

Jhing and her Mom turned to the telephone which was ringing loudly. Jhing was the one who answered the call from an unknown number. Her heart thumped when she greeted and no one answered, but she knows that someone is on the line.

“Hello?” she repeated.

Nothing.

“Who's this?” she asked her Nanay.

When she saw her Nanay gulped, smiled, and looked away while saying “Maybe it was that person who loves to prank,” she knew her Nanay was lying.

Afternoon came. Jhing was confused why her heart was beating fast like something was about to happen, and she was right.

The man she must call Tatay entered the house, drunk as fuck.

Her Mom quickly caught him and asked questions full of concern. On the other hand, Jhing was too angry to fucking listen. She should smile at him, kiss his hand as a respect, and greet him but fuck, all she could do was remember that man’s voice shouting at her with anger and disgust, the last time they saw each other.

The man glared, a familiar stare Jhing wanted to forget, that made her frozen. Both of her feet were stuck as if it was drilling a hole on the floor until Enteng ran inside their house calling her.

“Ate! Ate!” Enteng pulled Jhing towards the backyard. "It's kuya Miko!"

“What happened?”

She was too angry with his Tatay’s presence that she couldn’t understand what was happening and Enteng’s explanation.

Climbed a tree.

Fell.

Hit his head.

Her heart was pumping like mad, hands sweaty, and her head was aching when she saw Miko lying on the ground with eyes closed. Under his head… liquid was oozing.

Blood.

Something inside her felt like it exploded. Jhing quickly kneeled on his side while her whole system panicking. Her little sister kept talking but she couldn’t hear a thing.

She felt the blood - but - something was wrong.

The smell.

The blood didn’t smell like rusty iron.

It was coffee.

A few seconds after, Miko’s smile appeared. With eyes closed, he whispered, “You care for me too much, Jhing.” The man who was supposed to be unconscious opened his eyes.

Jhing stared at him.

There were no emotions inside of her when she let go off him and stood up. She wanted to go back inside their home but her Dad and her foolish Mom were there. But if she stayed with Miko, she… she… fuck.

Miko held her arm. “Did we prank you good?” he asked. Her siblings also laughed. "You all can act ah! You made your Ate believed you."

“You're the one who’s good at this, kuya,” Yel said, laughing.

Everything… was too much.

“Jhing—”

“Fuck you!” Jhing shouted that wiped Miko’s smile in a blink.

“You’re like a kid! Everything is a game for you!" She forcefully removed Miko's hand that was holding before wiping the tears that were forming in her eyes. “Do you know what your problem is? You take everything as a joke! Always a joke!”

“Jhing—”

“I understand your personality, but you can't always fool around!" she shouted again.

Her heart ached, just like how her head throbbed. She wanted to get away. Too much… but she didn’t mean it!

“When will you get serious?” She looked at his eyes, and whispered, “For once?”

Jhing ignored everyone; Miko’s call, her siblings’ cries, the man she loathed sleeping on the sofa when she entered the house, and even her Nanay who asked her what was wrong.

Everything was disgusting her. Everything was pissing her off. Jhing ran to the bedroom with her knuckles turning white. Her skin almost tore off from the way she dug her nails into her cheeks but she didn't care. The physical pain was much more bearable than her heart screaming I'm scared!

Her whole being which was forcing itself to be strong… felt weak at this moment.

Everything she had done was useless.

Jhing wanted to get out of this place—away from everyone; away from him who made her like this, and away from herself who was hurting everyone else.

Fuck everything and the monsters inside.

Boop Pilosopotasya at:  Facebook: Twitter: Wattpad Account: Wattpad Story: Email: [email protected]

Chapter end