Re:Zero Kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu Volume 4 Chapter 92 part2

(Thank you Angrym, Bobb, Aaron for helping me catch typos on the Live Draft! <3)

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{Puck: …………}

{Subaru: And silence you……? What're you talking about? Emilia's been calling out for you, wailing and in tears, asking for your help…… so how can you…! It wasn't mine, it wasn't anyone else's, it was your name that she was calling when she was exhausted and about to crumble! So why're you……!}

{Puck: ……Ah, that's right. You would be the first person to be upset to hear Lia call someone else's name before yours, Subaru}

{Subaru: ―――Tch!!}

Those words were utterly beside the point, but, realizing how they accurately captured the core of his thoughts, Subaru's throat clamped shut with an incomprehensible and violent emotion.
It was in hopes of becoming the foremost in Emilia's heart that he had toiled and struggled thus far. And the fact that he didn't hold that place in her heart was something that bothered him to no end. That was the truth.

At the same time, it drove him mad with rage to see that the one who did occupy that spot in Emilia's heart and who, despite possessing far more power than Subaru and professing to also hold Emilia above all the world, was failing to take any action for her sake.

And so, when he was told that it was not him, not Puck, but Emilia herself who was responsible for that fact, how could he possibly just accept it?

{Subaru: So, what… You mean to say that every time Emilia was broken by the Trials, worn down by loneliness, smiling in tears reminiscing on her painful past, every bit of that was just a performance and a lie? ――You expect me to believe that!?}

If those tears, those cries, and those laments had all been an act to deceive those around her, then Emilia must certainly be some gifted actress. Rather than aiming for the throne, she should be aiming for an Oscar instead.
If one could ignore the obvious fact that Emilia had neither the talent nor reason to deceive Subaru and the others, that is.

{Subaru: There's no way…… Nevermind constantly lying to fool everyone around her, she gets crushed by guilt just over telling the tiniest lie. That's the kind of girl Emilia is……}

{Puck: Subaru, calm down. I'm not speaking ill of Emilia like in your worst-case imaginings. So just calm down}

{Subaru: Worst-case imaginings……? What worst-case imaginings… You bastard, stop peeking into my head! That's got nothing to do with this…! No matter what happens, I'll never think of Emilia like……}

{Puck: ――NATSUKI SUBARU!}

Puck's penetrating voice struck through the roiled and agitated Subaru.
The intense emotion packed within that brief call was enough to, for a moment, freeze Subaru's trembling body still. At the end of Subaru's sticken gaze was not the figure of the small cat, but the stone quietly resting on Emilia's chest, glowing with its inorganic light.

{Puck: ……Have you calmed down?}

{Subaru: ……So you could raise your voice as well, huh. I always thought you're just a carefree fluffy furball who never gives a damn about the seriousness of the situation}

{Puck: It is very rare for me to shout like this. It's only when it's Lia…… or when I need to scold some disobedient brat, that I raise my voice this way}

{Subaru: Disobedient brat, huh}

At that unforgiving description, Subaru spilled a small sigh.
He couldn't deny it. He could see that his unsightly attitude was problematic here.
How many times since the start of this long-awaited conversation had Subaru failed to remain calm? And how many times did Puck have to rebuke him to get the conversation back on track?
It's pathetic how he couldn't restrain himself. That heart of steel he had so yearned for, was there not even a scrap of it inside him?

{Puck: But, to be honest, I am glad there is someone who could get so emotional over Lia this way. You must be providing Lia with no small amount of strength as well}

{Subaru: ――huh?}

{Puck: No one has managed to step this far into Lia's heart before. Not even Roswaal, who brought Lia out of the forest for the Royal Selection, has ever touched the deepest core of her thoughts. But, since that man only intends to place Lia on the throne as a means to another end, that is not so surprising}

{Subaru: ――Do you… know what Roswaal's goals are?}

{Puck: To follow the Gospel, right? Perhaps, he's a lot like Betty in that respect. Though, one has a lot written in his, while the other has nothing written in hers. Similar but different, might be a better way to put it}

It seems Puck already knew the details about Roswaal and Beatrice's circumstances. Subaru doubted that the information would have been passed to Emilia, and that only made him even more unsettled about Puck's reasons for keeping those facts to himself.
But Subaru could already imagine what Puck would say if he had asked him about it.

{Subaru: Since it's unrelated to Emilia, you were in no hurry to do anything…… huh}

{Puck: If you mean Betty, I would have liked to do everything I could for her. But….. now that Lia is tangled up with Roswaal, I have no choice but to focus on that}

{Subaru: Well that's your own damn fault for not saying anything when you knew what was going to happen, isn't it?}

{Puck: I have nothing to say to that. Though I do think it was unfair of me to make you deal with the consequences}

Regardless of intention, it seems his refusal to prioritize anything besides Emilia was the primary reason behind all this. If his inaction was what brought about Emilia's present hardships, then that would be far too great a blunder to be laughed off as a simple mistake.

{Subaru: I'll be wrecking Roswaal's plans so nevermind that for now. And Beatrice…… I've no intention of leaving her to you. The only thing I'm conspiring with you about is Emilia}

{Puck: That's fine. Right now, I don't have the strength to spend on anyone besides Lia. Expending my efforts on anything other than what is dearest to me would be placing the cart before the horse}

{Subaru: Then tell me. What do you mean Emilia is preventing you from coming outside? I won't believe for a second that she's been lying to everyone}

Last time, he had been running off of his emotions, but those thoughts remain the same even now. Although there was no way he could possibly know everything inside Emilia's heart, she was certainly not the kind of person who would deceive those around her and spit on their considerations.

Hearing this thought, Puck transmitted what felt like a relieved sigh into Subaru's mind.

{Puck: I'm not in a position to say anything like "You needn't worry". But, while it is by Lia's will that I am prevented from going outside…… it isn't because Lia herself is trying to keep me from doing so}

{Subaru: ……Sorry, I don't understand what you're saying}

{Puck: It's hard to explain. Lia seeking my help, calling to the crystal, and being unable to hear my voice, all of it is real. The fact that she is scared to be alone and trembling without her support is also true. But…}

{Subaru: ――――}

{Puck: Lia's subconscious is refusing let to me materialize or communicate with her. The front and back ends of her heart are at odds… might be a way to describe it}

The front and back ends of her heart. Subaru gulped down a breath at those words.
Surely, he couldn't be talking about split personalities? That said, every time Subaru had experienced being chased into despair in this world, it had been a variation of being betrayed by his heart.
If this was the same with Emilia, then,

{Subaru: You can't influence Emilia from your end?}

{Puck: It's tricky. The back end's persistence is far stronger than the front end. And even if I do manage get through to the front, it will only spell trouble for Lia's mind}

{Subaru: What makes you think it'll be trouble? Like, would something upset her if you were to come out……}

{Puck: But you already know the answer, don't you?}

Interrupting Subaru's trailing question, there was almost a hint of ridicule in Puck's voice.
Receiving this thought, Subaru fell into a momentary silence before lowering his eyes,

{Subaru: ――It's just a guess}

{Puck: Hm, go on. Let's hear it. I did say this, didn't I? That I'm expecting great things from you, Subaru}

At Subaru's mutter, Puck gave this entirely ungratifying stamp of approval. Feeling his mood lighten somewhat even from that meagre assurance, Subaru continued,

{Subaru: If you're present, then Emilia will……}

{Puck: Mhm, mhm?}

{Subaru: ……have to accept some inconvenient part of her past. ――That's why Emilia's subconsciously stopping you from interfering}

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We've landed on Newfoundland!

I had to take my father to the emergency room this morning but thankfully there's no problem. We both fell sick over the last few days after getting drenched in rain climbing the Basilica in Montreal (I found out there were elevators after getting to the top… but I don't regret a thing >_

I'll leave this picture here for now ❤

Chapter end