Distorted Agape short story 3

Another short story by Koyama Hidekazu (aka Vocaloid producer, Nanou) about the concept of human consciousness and what it means to think.

Note: The quote he references is by the philosopher, Pascal.

— 

“…”

“…..”

“…………. Hey.”

“You probably can’t hear me, but…”

“I’m envious of you.”

“Sometimes I think about how much better off I could have been if I had born as anything but a human being. When I mentioned that to someone before, they said something stupid like, ‘Hey, animals have it rough too, y’know. That’s being inconsiderate to animals if you really think you’d have an easier time living as one.’ How annoying. That wasn’t even what I was trying to say.”

“I feel like my head has grown so large that I don’t even know how to handle it anymore. And until I die and this body of mine stops moving, I’ll never be able to stop ‘thinking.’ Against any will that I have, my head keeps on thinking about something. Even my mind isn’t able to stop itself from creating some form of a thought. It’s as if my head alone is being controlled by something else, and it’s constantly forcing me to think of something. And like water in a pool, my head fills up with thoughts and overflows, torturing me. And as we, as humans, try to think of what to do with that overflowing water, we start thinking again, and feel anger, and despair, become violent, laugh and then cry, doing everything we can to keep the pool from overflowing. But no matter how much we try to empty our heads, it’s impossible to stop thinking completely. Before you know it, we’re thinking about something again. We even start thinking about things we don’t even need to be thinking about.”

“Someone once said, ‘Men are thinking reeds,’ but when I first heard those words, I didn’t really understand what was meant by comparing humans to reeds. However, that was only because I didn’t really know what kind of plant reeds were back then. Reeds sway when the wind blows, and though it may look like they’re being overwhelmed and bent over by the winds, as soon as it stops blowing, they slowly rise up to their original height and stand up straight again. That’s what I heard from somewhere. After hearing that, we naturally think, ‘Ah, truly, that’s the way that humans wish to live.’ However, when you think about the saying, ‘Man are thinking reeds,’ it feels rather ironic. Just consider it for a moment. Reeds only rise back up after being blown by the wind because that’s how nature made them to be. There’s no other reason why they do that. They aren’t able to decide on their own, ‘Alright, let’s just stay bent over like this now.’ All they can do is follow the laws of their nature, and live according to those laws. But this is the part where humans can’t help but think. They’ll ask themselves, ‘Why is that?’”

“Everyone thinks that our bodies are being controlled by our minds. When we think, ‘move,’ our body will move. When we think, ‘walk,’ we will start to walk. We think that the mind’s thoughts always come before the body’s actions, and that is how humans function. But that’s all wrong. There are times that our bodies react exactly how we think them to, but personally, I think that it’s own minds that are being controlled by our bodies. Your body comes before your thoughts. When I look at you, I become painfully aware of that. It’s like how  everyone feels lazy about cleaning their rooms, but once we start, we somehow just end up cleaning the whole room. Or like how people get together just to hook up, and then develop romantic feelings for each other after the fact. We’re just the same as reeds. We live according to the orders given by our bodies. Both our thoughts, and our minds, are unable to defy them. But once our bodies stop working, what happens to our minds? And what about that thing called our souls? Death is something that all humans will experience only once, and since there’s no one that’s ever come back from the dead, no one knows what lies beyond. Isn’t that terrifying? I feel that we’ve all had a very grave misunderstanding.”

“We are all thinking reeds. And unaware of the fact that we are being controlled by our bodies, we come up with meanings and reasons to explain how everything works. We even come up with reasons to explain something as simple as a reed standing up straight again after the wind stops blowing. We live our whole lives coming up with meanings to everything in this world, and then we just become either satisfied or discouraged, for no reason but our own. And then we tire ourselves out, and become fed up with things….”

“…………. Hey.”

“Open your eyes.”

“I’m tired of having to think anymore.”

“Why did it have to be you? Why did it have to be me? I wish it could have been me, instead of you. And yet, only I was saved, while you’ve ended up like this. Everyone is being controlled by their bodies, and now that you’re no longer in control of yourx, you’re no longer able to think, unable to hear my voice. And so, I continue thinking, and thinking, and thinking, but it’s useless. It’s useless now, but I can’t help but keep on thinking, against any will of my own. The body inside of my soul just keeps making me think of things. It’s as if my head alone is being controlled by something else, and it makes me keep thinking about you.”

“I want to hear your voice.”

“Because I’m certain, that back then…”

“I was possessed by you.”

Chapter end