“Bungaku Shoujo” CH 6

Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter6

A few days had passed after the incident.

Yesterday, Kotobuki-san asked me “Your girlfriend hasn‟t been coming to the classroom for a

to wobble her body. She sounded like she was very worried.

so she probably won‟t come ever again.”

much…that…so…”

“Nev-, never mind.”

But as she was walking away, she suddenly stopped and ran back to me.

She shouted frantically, and then hurriedly walked away.

time to time, she is probably not a bad person.

speeches on random life principles or book reviews, and write a 3 topic story as Tookosenpai‟s

“The topics for today are „staplers‟, „amusement park‟, and „lamb hot pot.‟ The time limit is 50

*Kachi*

pressed a button on her silver watch to start the timer. Her shoes were off and she was sitting

“What is „lamb hot pot‟?”

news report, the local business news section talked about a restaurant in Ginko. They sliced the

They don‟t have that funny goat meat taste at all. And they are so soft that if you eat them half

tasty as well. After a meal of hot foods, when you eat something cool and sweet, that‟s the best.

like the pudding.”

and magazines. Furthermore, how do you link random things like „staplers‟, „amusement park‟,

“*That* *Is* where a chef can show off his skills! Hoho, I am looking forward to this.”

In response to that Tooko-senpai raised her index finger and seriously said,

“What‟s that?”

“Bullshit.”

She was indirectly saying „so write with all your heart‟. She put her chin on the backrest, and

That‟s it. I decided to write the story about a lamb that, like a porcupine, had many staplers

witch‟s lamb hotpot.

“I can‟t write if you keep on staring at me. Go read a book please.”

Just as she said, she turned around. As she swung her legs, she started to read the old books in

At this moment, only the scratching noise of a pen rubbing against papers, and the creaking noise

After a while, Tooko-senpai, with her back towards me, said,

My hand stopped momentarily.

“Who knows…it‟s not my business anymore.”

Tooko-senpai turned her head and looked at me.

I was speechless.

“But, but, but, we promised. When the assistance ended she has to give me a report.”

really want to eat that tainted thing, Tooko-senpai can go and get it herself.”

Damn. I may have said too much.

right?

this? When you wrote the love letters, didn‟t you wholeheartedly want to help her?”

I remained silent and continued on with the writing.

I tore off 3 pages of the draft notepad and handed them to Tooko-senpai.

My „staplers carrying lamb became ingredients for a hotpot‟ story must have tasted pretty bizarre.

“Uu…nasty…uun. This is what I honestly think, wha-what a complex taste. Thi- this is really,

become delicious…uu….”

All those absurd stories that I wrote nonsensically, she actually swallowed them.

I intentionally wrote a story very badly. From start to end there was not a single punctuation, or

“Thank you for the meal. Let's see….punctuations are syntax symbols that are inserted into

punctuation will fragment the pace of the story, it might be better to write an excess of them right

Just like this, she idiotically gave me a serious review.

the next day, she would come to my class and say,

She would greet me with a smile.

people, and so she couldn‟t ignore me.

world and one who neglects things surrounding her. In truth Tooko-senpai is a stickler to her

I stayed with her for a year already; perhaps her influence has a greater effect on me than I

On the following day after school, I came to the library to find Takeda-san.

Tooko-senpai wouldn‟t stop talking about eating Takeda-san‟s report, so I have no choice but to

As I muttered to myself, I descended down the rusted spiral staircase that connects to the

*Kan**Kan**Kan*

I walked down the last step and knocked on the door. An alerted voice answered me,

“…I am Inoue from the Literature Club.”

From inside the room I heard noises of books falling, something moving across, mouse squeaks,

opened the door. She stuck her head out hesitantly.

“…Thanks.”

The storage room was just the same as when I entered before. The smell of old paper permeated

The lamp on the desk was like a street lamp on a long and deserted street. It gave out a dim light.

them laid a metal biscuit box.

Takeda-san lowered her head.

seem to lack talents in writing.

body appeared to be shrinking as she continued-

day of my life is so plain and boring…I thought that if I found someone I liked, I might be able

more enriched…but I remained an ugly duckling…I couldn‟t become a princess. At first I did

It was at that time that I found Shuuji‟s letter here.

I want to know more about this person.

If I can do that, then maybe I can transform myself into someone different. Even someone like

exciting stories.

“…It was you who cut out the portrait from the year book, wasn‟t it?”

the truth behind Shuuji-senpai‟s suicide.

deduct what had happened. Doing so made me very cheerful- it almost felt as if I had become a

If only I snapped out of it then…

I was stunned.

If I could somehow arrange a meeting between Konoha-senpai and the alumni of the Archery

Shuuji‟s death.”

her goal.

Takeda-san did repeatedly assert that.

he was a real person with blood and flesh.

Furthermore, Shuuji-senpai was a very important figure in Takeda-san‟s heart.

“It was my idiotic behavior that got Konoha-senpai into a lot of trouble. I am very sorry. Other

Takeda-san softly lifted up her duck mug.

Sakiko-san, got run over by a car-…”

The reason why Takeda-san was so obsessed with Shuuji-senpai was perhaps because, just like

thinking, I can understand a bit of what Takeda-san was feeling; my chest became a bit stuffed.

of our class. Compared to me, she should the one who lead a wonderful life…”

Her eyes, which were staring at the mug, were now mixed with sorrow.

common life.”

Takeda-san smiled lonelily.

“Do you know? Today is the 10 year anniversary of Shuuji‟s death. So I will…make myself a bit

Takeda-san started to clean up the stuff on her desk.

those tears from coming out, she tried to open her eyes as much as possible, so her expression

Takeda-san picked up her personal belongings, turned to me, and with a laughing tone said to

“I will be going then. I am very happy to have this talk with Konoha-senpai. Thank you for

“Takeda-san… it‟s best if you don‟t force yourself to write the report. It‟s not like it is a fun job.

In an instant, Takeda-san‟s face became a bit dazed. She blinked a few times and looked up. A

“That‟s right…even if I did write it…it would be filled with tragic stories…nothing would

Even though she was just repeating what I had said, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest when I

Ah, that‟s right. Even if the report was written, nothing would change.

Takeda-san softly said “Good bye.”

*KanKanKanKan*

to her fading footsteps.

And then, I remembered the smile Takeda-san had when she was eating lunch with her boyfriend

Soeda-san and Rihoko-san chose to carry the burden of Shuuji Kataoka for the remainder of their

And Takeda-san can finally graduate from the memories of Shuuji-senpai.

I sincerely wished that Takeda-san could live happily ever after.

Dazai, in his „Ningen Shikkaku‟, said that the passage of time is the cure, or the redemption, that

At that moment I was feeling a bit melancholic, so I decided to walk between the bookshelves

I read that book…I haven‟t read that book…I only glanced through that book… In the dimly lit

“Ah…”

“It‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟…”

I extended my index finger and tried to pull the book out. The book was stored in a box cover;

“Uuh, the book is stuck.”

“…Hm, is something sticking to the book...? Wah!”

*ba**saa*

A small piece of photograph was on the floor. The photo, which seemed to have been cut out by

Right beside the photo was a notebook with a duck printed on its cover.

Moreover, it was hidden in that „Ningen Shikkaku‟.

suddenly felt a sinking feeling in my chest.

When I saw the first line of the notebook, I felt as if I was falling head first into the abyss.

Immediately I cursed at my own stupidity, slammed the notebook shut, and dashed out of the

◇ ◇ ◇

The first time I noticed my deviancy was when my grandmother, who treasured me very

I remember after my grandmother had a heart attack, she had to stay on her bad all the

and say, “You are such a good child.” She would look pleased. Her eyes would form two

But I was not what my grandmother thought I was- an obedient and empathic child. Her

stench emitted from her body, all these revolted and horrified me to no end.

Every time she used that coarse voice to whisper to my ears, I would feel like she had laid a

If grandmother finds out I am not a good child; if she finds out that I loathe her- no doubt

yashya, red flames would come out of her hazes, and that would swallow me alive. I was

open, and cold sweat coming off my back.

how I thought and how others thought was increasing. Things that saddened or pleased

emotion.

Why do others feel sad?

their teams; or a classmate was about to transfer schools, when everyone sadly said

among others, and I felt unease spreading throughout my body. I would wane my body

know nothing of what they say.

emotionless when everyone else was crying, others would find it strange, so I must make

others noticed I am only faking my sadness, what should I do? I cannot lift my head, not

time everyone is laughing together. What is so funny about it? I really don‟t know. But, if I

friends.

for this should be laughter, I must react with laughter.

acted goofily, just to make others like me. Ah, I sincerely hope that no one will ever find out

silly and idiotic clown, just to make others laugh with me, pity me, forgive me. And this can

Until I entered high school, until I met S, I never realized I was merely a clown.

As I panted from the dash, I climbed up the staircase that lead to the roof.

How could I be so foolish?

Why was Takeda-san so determined to find S?

My imagination was too lacking.

puppy-like pureness, her naivety, her outgoing personality- all I saw was only the surface.

◇ ◇ ◇

S was the person that understood me best. She was my sworn enemy and my good friend.

With her fearful intelligence, she saw through my everything.

So, I was terrified of her.

In the classroom, in the club, I was always at S‟s side.

sweat.

And I am S‟s slave.

S said the duck looked as dense as I did.

continue on living like this.

I am just a monster disguised as a duck; this antagonized S very much.

few jokes.

stormed off.

If S abandoned me, She would tell everyone what a monster I was!

If I don‟t pull S back…

When I came to this conclusion, I intentionally tripped on the street.

Just as I eased up, a car came out of nowhere; it crashed into S‟s fragile body and pushed

The girl Shizuka Saitou had died by the hands of the monster known as Chia Takeda.

spread out on the pitch black asphalt road. I, with my hollow heart, stared at the scene.

Perhaps even God does not want to save me.

„I am really common.‟

„I am really common, and my I am not smart, I am useless. Dazai Osamu and Shuuji-senpai‟s

„Ningen Shikkaku‟ from front to back 5 times, yet I still don‟t understand…so at the end, all I

What were Takeda-san‟s true feelings when she said she couldn‟t understand „Ningen

„So at the end, all I could do was cry.‟

„This is-too strange. He rants too much. There is no point in living so painfully.‟

◇ ◇ ◇

That boy, just like a little puppy, shows an innocent smile.

He is just a naive, pure, kind hearted, positive, the blessed and beloved white goat of god.

my longings for his pureness.

People often say love can change a person.

Maybe from now on, I will no longer be a loveless, apathetic monster. I will become a real

Ah, I really want to be someone like that.

Fall in love with the boy.

◇ ◇ ◇

something completely different.

about the existence of Shuuji-senpai- on both occasion Takeda-san had that sad expression.

◇ ◇ ◇

that I love him.

Even if I still had that clown act as my disguise, my heart was as weak and tired as a dying

On that rainy day, next to the school building, when that boy‟s lips touched mine,

so much so that all the hair on my body stood up.

My vision was spinning all around me. I wanted to vomit something hot and solid from

the rain.

I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!

I can‟t take this anymore. I hate everything.

Shouldn‟t it be the other way around?

Wasn‟t it because that was what I long for, that I cowered next to S‟s feet like a slave, and

I hated and was afraid of S; but deep in my heart, I looked forward to being destroyed by S.

But S is here no more.

and discrimination. I can only live as a clown in this world for the rest of my life.

redemption.

“I think living a normal life is not bad! At least for myself, I am in favour of a common life.”

Why did I say something as insensitive as this?

When I said „living a normal life is not bad,‟ Takeda-san must have felt an indescribable amount

◇ ◇ ◇

It‟s like seeing another me. My chest was overwhelmed, without pause my tears kept on

Ah, I finally meet another person who feels the same as I do.

This letter was also written by imitating his letter.

◇ ◇ ◇

relentlessly tried to uncover the truth behind his death. She wasn't attracted because he had

She wasn‟t attracted to him because their personalities were opposite.

want to prove that this person once existed.

Who was his S?

If I can rattle S‟s heart, I would be able to dig out all of S‟s secrets.

How did he die? Did he choose to commit suicide, or was he killed by S? At his final

As one who has the same soul as he, what sort of answer am I looking for?

What‟s your reason for living? What‟s your reason for dying?

In all of my waking and sleeping time, my mind couldn‟t stop scheming this. Finally, from

◇ ◇ ◇

understood.

They both longed to be destroyed by their S- someone who understood them the best, someone

their schemes.

After Takeda-san lost her closest friend, Takeda-san was overflowed with the pain from her guilt

her out of this torture.

She let I, who looked like Shuuji, get close to the Archery club alumni to deduce who S was.

◇ ◇ ◇

gradually happened under my calm eyes.

S would constantly look around; S‟s voice would shake.

and then S would, as if frightened, turn around and look behind.

She wanted to find out what Shuuji really said before he died- was it the same as what she

How did he die?

Did someone kill him, or did he choose death by himself?

No matter what, she must know.

The time is near.

All that‟s left is to open the door with the key.

In Takeda-san‟s notebook where she put her confession in, on its last page she wrote-

Konoha-senpai has given me the answer.

◇ ◇ ◇

Third floor

I felt like the staircase is extending upward into infinity. The nervousness and fear of never

When I finish climbing the stair, what awaits me at the end? Would it be a tragedy that has

Just like that time with Miu? Would I stand there, motionless, only there to witness the sight of

My heart was about to tear. I felt so dizzy that I was about to collapse.

Just like that time, I won‟t make it.

increase my pain.

My lips and fingertips felt numb. I panted like a wild beast. My vision started to blur.

the roof, I couldn‟t do so much as to breath.

A painful goggling voice was released by my throat. I leaned forward weakly and I had to steady

This hurts so much.

Ah, I won‟t make it. It‟s too late. Even if I do reach the roof it‟s no use. It‟s no use. Everyone can

--No, it‟s not true.

Maybe it was Tooko Senpai‟s hand.

Tooko senpai never abandoned me.

not knowing anything anymore- she would gently said that I must find my own answer.

find my answer.

nothing else is on my mind.

shortness of breath and blurry vision bother me anymore. I put all my attention into reaching the

A heavy door appeared at end of the infinite staircase. I slammed into it to open the door.

Takeda san was standing outside of the guard rail.

“Don‟t! Takeda san!”

duck mug. Ah, the sight of her really intending on killing herself made my chest stiff.

Senpai! You are Chia Takeda! You are different from Shuuji Senpai! Just because he suicide

A grievous expression appeared on Takeda san„s face.

I leaned forward my shoulders to catch my breath, and word by word I said-

When she finally noticed the crumpled notebook in my hand, she bitterly smiled.

something like ten years later…That was a message to me ten years from now, just like how

“What the hell are you talking about?! You don‟t have to go on the same road as Shuuji senpai!

Drops of clear tears rolled down her face as if those were her bitterness about how no one can

“But Konoha senpai, I can‟t stand the shame and pain of living in this world anymore.”

Konoha, surely you won‟t understand.

“Hey, Konoha senpai, did you realize that Shuuji Senpai didn‟t choose to kill himself to escape

front of him, and he still couldn‟t feel anything from it. It was his apathy that made him despair

It‟s the same for me.

If I didn‟t fake the trip, then Shi chan wouldn‟t run back and get hit by a car. This is the same as

But, even with Shi chan bled to death in front of me, I still couldn‟t feel anything.

I put myself into a daze.

of my best friend dying in front of me must have traumatized me, and I have closed up my heart

That‟s not true!

No matter how I tried to remember my memories with Shi chan to make myself cry, I couldn‟t

anything.

at all, this is too abnormal!”

despair.

Using my common sense, I know what she said was deviant, so I couldn‟t counter.

my caring parents, I did not live through anything that can make me understand that intense

“I am not killing myself to escape from the guilt of killing Shi chan- I am killing myself because

Dazai said it as well, even if one continues on living, his filthy sins will only increase in number,

guilt!‟ I can not tolerate myself living like this any longer! Konoha senpai, do you think

me that death is wrong? I am not supposed to be relieved of my misery?”

Rihoko san wanted to relief the tortured Shuuji senpai of his pain, so she accomplished his wish

ButBut

once loosen hands tighten up even more.

“I don‟t know…I don‟t know! Maybe I am mistaken, maybe I said some pretty harsh things to

will help you think of a worthy reason to live! So please don‟t kill yourself in a rush! Try and

that!”

“Even if…you tell me this...”

“No…I am already…”

footing on the ledge.

The duck notebook dropped down onto the concrete floor; the strong wind rapidly turned the

I had my whole body on the floor, with me pulling on one of Takeda‟s hand.

in the wind like kites that are caught by power lines.

Takeda san begged me weakly.

My arm is breaking. Ah, if only I didn‟t lock myself in my house all the time, if only I am

“Please! Konoha senpai…”

No way am I letting you go. Letting you go? When Miu fell right in front of me, all I did was

Even if I didn‟t understand what Miu was feeling, even if I couldn‟t said anything that could

I could have extended my hands and stopped her.

“You can‟t die! Living by definition means going through humiliations! Even I had a secret

school and locked myself in the house. I had no future, and look! I am living fine now!”

“Gi-girl…..?”

But immediately, that hand was caught by another pair of arms coming from my side.

as well. I even ate the copy of “The Great Gatsby” I borrowed from the library awhile ago.”

frowning with pain. Both her hands were in between the guard rails and are now tightly gripping

I quickly used both my arms to hold onto Takeda‟s hand as well.

“…Ku, I just went to the library, and a library assistant girl told me that Konoha ran out of the

For someone like Tooko senpai, who stays in her house even more than I do, it‟s probably hard

Takeda san confusedly said-

Tooko senpai‟s pale forehead is dripping sweat now. She strenuously answered-

are one of the joys in life!”

It‟s probably someone on the ground finally noticed us and people were starting to panic.

her goal any good, Takeda san looked as if she was about to shake our hands off. Tooko Senpai

“Other than „Ningen Shikkaku‟, have you read any other stories by Dazai Osamu?”

This question caught Takeda san by surprise and she stopped struggling.

“Some people only read „Ningen Shikkaku‟ and thought that all of Dazai Osamu‟s works are

only read „Ningen Shikkaku‟, you haven‟t read enough to comment on the general themes of

agree that Merosu, who only went to the market to buy his sister a birthday present, but instead,

palace through the front entrance just so he can assassinate the king. That reckless Merosu,

feel excited by his sincere friendship with the mason? Merosu is so driven by his belief that he

Ah, what are you talking about, Tooko senpai.

But Tooko senpai, with sweat dripping off of face, continued in all seriousness-

embarrassing to run on the street naked. But Merosu disregarded all these and ran to his friend‟s

tyrannical and ruthless king!

remember, the Ethnic class textbook took out this line from the story; you should check out the

Not only Merosu, he has many other fantastic works that center on love and trust! You must read

touching! And it‟s ending is not solely consisted of sadness; it also has a hint of gentle aura and

bride to see the beautiful snow scene; and in „Hifu to Kokoro‟, the wife who loved her husband

Dourou‟, together they write a novel by relay. Everyone live together in harmony- it‟s like a slice

hug her!

„Guddo Bai‟, and the story about men who like to dress frivolously „Oshare Douji‟- they all are

you can even see Dazai comically imitating those who tried to provoke Naoya Shiga. If you want

show the trust and gentleness Dazai had for other people! They are all fantastic works that will

them!”

Would someone actually say this stuff to a person who is about to suicide?

Totally serious, tried her best, did her hardest, and even put her life on the line.

to something else. Her eyes became mistier and mistier, and it wasn‟t long before her tears

She must have thought this is too bizarre, too idiotic, yet at the same time she couldn‟t help but

anymore.

“After the war ended, among the heavily regulated literature works that was released, you must

was written under the same condition as well. I can guarantee you that your jaw will drop when

See! I told you Dazai didn‟t only write „Ningen Shikkaku‟!

readers gloomy and depress. Maybe „Ningen Shikkaku‟ was really the answer that Dazai arrived

But that‟s not his everything!

weak and common, but through their determination and effort most of them become strong.

„Shayou‟. In the story, the main heroin Kazuko lost both her noble family and her love one, but

the quiet early morning as the backdrop, Dazai‟s took the effort to describe the way the sun, with

Despite the fact that the sun always set below the horizon; when the night finally passes, the sun

The beautiful sceneries and story in his „Ougon Fuukei‟, you cannot die without ever

back a hundred times, before you write thousands of reports and analysis on his works, you can‟t

The tears streaming off of Takeda san‟s face fell into the duck mug she was holding.

The mug fell straight down onto the ground and smashed into a million pieces.

Chapter end

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